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[05 Jan 2005|11:56am] [ mood | calm ] Now that the New Year has come, i think of all the things that have happened this whole year. this year really was great. i graduated, went to Florida, Washington, and Virginia, my best friend had a baby, went to the Dave concert in July, partied a lot, and made a lot of new friends. the only things that really made me depressed were summer school, work, and of course, boys...i have been through sooo many relationships this year that im really starting to wonder what is wrong with me. i always get the guys I want, but it always ends up terrible to where we end up not talking again. You think u know someone but when ur in a certain situation, then u really find out who they are. i can honestly say that the only guy who treated me good was ken, for the most part. he screwed up a lot but always made up for it. i miss him a lot... i am no longer blonde. i now have brown hair. i look different, but a lot of people told me i look good. Sunny came back for new years with Sam. i was happy to see some old friends that i spent most of my high school years with. we went to Dan’s house and crashed there. i was feeling kind of down cause this was the first year since i was like 15 that I didn’t have a guy to share the new year with. you just need a guy to share that holiday with, but im glade none of the other girls did either, so we all stuck together, smoked a blunt, and laughed about the old times. I miss those days...

[12 Oct 2004|12:14pm] [ mood | depressed ] Everytime I feel alone I can blame it on you...And i do You just bring me down So I'm counting the tears 'til I get over you You never tried... We both know we can't change it But we both know we'll just have to face it If only I could give you up We both know that we want it But we both know you left me no choice You took all there was to take, And you don’t care about it And I am givin' up this game I’m leaving you with all the blame cause I don’t care Could you look me in the eye? And tell me that you’re happy now Would you tell it to my face or have I been erased, Are you happy now? i don't know, and i don't care if i ever will see you again. i don't know, and i don't care if i ever will be there. It feels like I'm starting all over again The last three years were just pretend Goodbye to you Goodbye to everything that I knew You were the one I loved The one thing that I tried to hold on to

[12 Dec 2003|09:19am] [ mood | rushed ] alot of things have happened since the last time i've written in here. i've had a party....which the cops broke up an hour into it. then my bitch neighbor (who called the cops) told my parents when they came home from vacation. my mom was actually kool about it and didnt kill me. i went to a party with jess and met these 2 guys who are kool. we drank our asses off and of course im the one who throws it all up. i havent drank since then. i met jess's friend ken (not my ken) whos really kool. we've all been chillen alot. i got into a fight in school and was suspened for 4 days. i should've kicked her ass. my kenny moved. im happier now. i didnt and couldnt go to homecoming this year because i was suspended, but i still showed up to see my friends. they all looked great. i went to hollywood dinner after and saw my ken. i miss him. he went with some loser from our school for homecoming. i've been with rochell like every weekend. were fuckin losers. we lie to our parents and tell them were sleeping over eachothers houses so we can drive all night, but then we end up sleeping in her car to 6am then go home. usually a big group of us go to boodymill road to chill but that place is just fucked up with some scary shit. we havent gone in awhile. tonight im getting with this guy i kinda like. it's gonna be my first time drinking in awhile and my first time getting with him so im alittle nervous. were all gonna smoke, so i know we'll all have a great time. i cant think of anything that exciting in my life so thats what i've been up to since i know so many of you read this shit and have been telling me to update. peace. -xtina-

this is my goodbye to ken [22 Sep 2003|07:09pm] [ mood | disappointed ] [ music | never: the rock project ] it's been along time since i've updated... i found out the other week that ken is moving...at first i was sad, but now im happy to end it for good and move on without all his shit. this is ken's "goodbye" to me in his journal Kristina- ok we have been through a lot of shit more shit than i could have ever imagined. and i am sorry for always being an asshole.. cause thats what i do best.. i always screwed things up and im sorry i will miss you.. thats nice and everything, but look at his latest ex-girlfriends "goodbye" Jamie harper - ok well we had a relationship for a good 7 months of my stay in west deptford and i know we have had some bad times and we have also had the good times too .. i know u wont forgive me for what i have done. and i am sorry.. but thank you for those 7 months of my life. i will miss you more than u believe. -does anyone see something wrong here...her's seems way longer then mine. wow 7 months... try 2 years with me. he didnt even mention how long we were together, which doesnt even compare to jamie and his time together. but whatever, im over it. here is my "goodbye" to you ken... ken-thankyou for 2 years of lies, cheating, and tears. you never were there for me, and because of you, i am now a bitch. you made me into what i am today. you forgot to mention the important parts in your "goodbye" to me...how about how you fucked me over literally with the "baby" incident, or how about how you dicked me over for those girls the other week, and the shore, and beer, and weed. you never were there when i needed you the most. at least i can look back and know that i did my best to make things work, but you, you can only look back and see what an asshole you were and how you fuck everything up. like this weekend? wtf was that about. i have yet to hear from you about that. i will never forgive you for the pain you caused in my family. you were the biggest dissapointment in my life. i always forgave you and everything you did in the past. i gave you all of me and everything i believed in, i just threw it away for you. saying i regreat you would be a lie, in a way you made me stronger and prepared for other jerks out in the world. your a compolsive liar, who will probably never find another girl like me to deal with all your bs, i did love you and do remember "some" good times that we had shared. thats all in the past now, and i wont look back and wonder how it was supposed to be. you always tell me your going to make everything up to me...you told me last week you were going to change for b4 you moved away. your leaving in a month, and look how it's ending up. goodbye ken -now thats a paragraph i cant be with you again dont remind me of the good times that we had i learned alot from us instead and i never want these feelings to ever come again please dont tell me that you've changed dont wanna hear on how you lost your evil ways the one whose changed this time...is me and i dont want to go back to feeling helpless and decived to think you had me fooled every now and then you had me believing that i was the reason that you left but i wont fall back in love with you again i dont even wanna be...your friend

[09 Sep 2003|07:38pm] [ mood | in need of getting drunk ] [ music | crush: dave matthews band...cause im getting fucked up 2nite ] for the past few nights me and some friends drank our asses off...except ash, cause the beer wasnt good enough for her...lol...well let me start off by saying that this weekend was a total waste. i went over ken's thinking that we were going to the dave matthews concert, but no. nothing ever falls through. we totally got dicked on our ride, so we were both pretty disapointed. and i kno that it was more of my falt because it was some1 who i knew who was "supposed to be" taking us. and i apologize for that. we had a good time for the most part at his house cause we hardly see eachother, but at the end of the night, like usual, we fought, but thats a whole other issue. oh well. i'll get over it cause i always fuckin do when it comes to him. after that night, i just drank away to make up for the concert. and tonight...god only knows. im hoping to have a great time, but like usual, ash cant come out. this our our last real night of summer which fuckin sucks cause i hate fuckin school, so we shall see if im gonna get wasted like planned... for all of you assholes and bitches who didnt contribute to our need of a ride to the concert, i wanna thankyou all very much cause the majority of you, who i called, im always there for you when needed...thanks for the disappointment jerks

[02 Sep 2003|10:15pm] [ mood | lonely ] [ music | till i get over you: michelle branch ] today i woke up at 7am thinking i had senior pictures at 9am. so i get ready and around the time i have to leave, i get called into work. so i tell them i'll give them a call after my pictures to see if i can work. it turns out my pics werent till 4:45pm so i woke up extra early for nothing and already did my hair and make-up. i call work and tell them i cant work cause of my pictures then i get changed back into my pajamas and hang with drew for alittle while. after that i had to get ready all over again for my pics, and my make-up looked bad and so did my hair. when i get there i start sweating to death cause im so fuckin nervous on how i look and how my smile is and the beautiful guy taking my picture. then i go home and watch the vma's for the hundreth time and take a nap. so now im here, all bored, all alone, ash is a dumbass and is punished again like every other day. i miss shannen:( ...and gina told me that my buddy icon looks like me...lol...i love her for that one. well that was my night so far. peace brokenheartscar: is that christina aguilera as your icon? idream2much4u: yea...why brokenheartscar: if you look at it fast, it could be you. i think its funny because everytime i see it, it reminds me of you -xtina-

my summer [01 Sep 2003|08:48pm] [ mood | calm ] tonight im goin to write about my summer...all of my original entries are lost that went up to july so ill start off with everything that has happened since then. ok well i dont kno bout everyone elses summer, but mine seriously blowed. i didnt accomplish anything that i wanted to. i was hoping to meet a realy kool guy and have some kinda relationship with, but they all turned out to be losers. i went to the shore a few times which was kool cause everyone knos that i love the shore. i didnt realy get to hang with my girlfriend shannen as much as planned. she works on days im off and i work days shes off and she also has a boyfriend which makes everything harder, but i totally understand. i hanged with ken off and on this summer which was great for the most part. we still fight but i think its just cause we've been through alot with eachother and are hurt about alot of things. i realised that i didnt want to be with him in terms of him being my boyfriend, because he just really changed his life alot. not so much with me, but on what he does with his life now, which i dont approve of. i smoked weed for the first time in 2 years when i went to ken's with ash. shhh. it was pretty gross but it was fun. we drank alittle because ken always has some kinda alcohol in his little fridge. im just really glad i got to spend some time with him cause god knows that he means everything to me after all those years. we just dont really see "eye to eye" all the time. i just hope one day, we can go back to the way it was, but im not holding my breath on that one... i went to a party which totally makes me never wanna party for the rest of my life, and im very young, so thats such a lose in my teenage years not to get wasted...lol. yea so i go to this party with sean from work and we bring shan and she leaves around 11pm. i wasnt planning on leaving till i had to go home which was 1am. well im fuckin stupid, surrounded by only boys, and just drink away to look like i can drink just as much as they can. well i find myself in the bathroom on the toilet trying to pee, which im sure i didnt shut the door, and as soon as im done, the boys bring me on the deck to get freash air. and there is where i let it all out. blahh. i feel bad for the guy who cleaned it up. it was pretty fuckin sick. so i must've passed out cause i woke up at 4am. im scared to death to go home now cause im probably dead so sean tries to get me home without my parents seeing me walk in but im fuckin locked out. i had to sleep at sean's for the night, to find myself the next day with throw-up all down my bra, in my hair, on my pants, just everywhere. i finaly get the balls to go home and my mom just assumed i slept at shan's for the night. so i got out of that one, thankyou jesus. hmm....what else did i do....worked alot, which i hate that place. dont ever work at a wawa. it sucks dick. the only thing good bout that place is all the hot guys that come in. i got suspended the other week, which was just more vacation time b4 school starts. im back now because it was a big misunderstanding, and i was informed that im going to be a shift runner after x-mas. thats only if im still there. dave matthews concert is next weekend. i went last year and it was amazing. i hope i see other pple that i kno there or i hope more pple wanna go with me and ash. were going to tail-gate and buy our tickets off the street...fuck yea. we WILL get in. i got my hair dyed a few weeks ago. she didnt get close enough to my roots, so it really doesnt look like i just got it done. it looks like i need it done. i got my hair cut today cause the lord knows i needed it to be trimed. it looks exactly the same. lol. tomorrrow is my senior pictures. cant wait....no actualy i can. my new favorite show, besides "the real world" , is now "newlyweds". i love jessica simpson and nick lachey. my new favorite cd out this summer is michelle branch's new one. all her songs are so true about guys and how they make girls feel, so i listen to that shit everytime i feel down. but the highlight of my summer is been hanging with ash. it's funny cause we are from a totally different crowd of pple and we never really talked before, but now were like best friends. but best friends have their falts, including me. she went through everything that i went through this summer when it comes to certain guys. i spend more time there than home and we just always have fun. well those are just some of the things i did with myself this summer. i wanted to keep this at a "pg-13" level...lol. well im out and have typed alot so, until next time -xtina-

[31 Aug 2003|11:54pm] [ mood | depressed ] [ music | walk away- christina aguilera ] today was fuckin gay...work sucked, like usual, my whole weekend sucked, just everything sucks. i feel like i never do anything right anymore. when it comes to my family, friends, and even with ken. i always think im right, which i kno half the time i am, but i still never get what i want. i dont even fuckin ask for much. whatever. guys suck. i just dont get it. what i dont get is how u can tell someone that u love them and always will no matter what, but then continue to lie and just rip them apart. thats not love, well not to me. and if you love me, then why arent we together? to tired to write anymore. peace -xtina-

[30 Aug 2003|09:43pm] my wonderful journel is back since i kno just about everybody is always so concerned on what i do with myself. i cant find my old journel entries from earlyier this summer, so now im stuck doing this shit all over again. im not really in a typing mood tonight, due to a hard day at work, but im definantly and eventually going to write about my kool boring summer. -xtina-

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