...scream me something beautiful...<3333's Blurty -- Entries

...scream me something beautiful...<3333's Blurty Entries

...scream me something beautiful...<3333

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Yay! The weekend! [05 Jun 2005|10:52pm]

[ mood | cheerful ]

[ music | Fall Out Boy "Sugar, We're Going Down" ]

Okay..so my weekend was pretty busy, but relaxing, finally. Ive been praying for a non-hectic weekend for a while, and here it is. So Friday, Jt told me he liked me a lot, and that I should call him, I was like yay! Because I like him to and all that good stuff, just because Im cool like that. Saturday I had softball practice at 1:30, I didnt get up till 12:30 though, heehee. Anyways after that I went to Mara's and me, her, Tara, and Chelsie all hung out. Then Chelsie went home, she lives right next door to Mara, and Mara, Tara, and me came back in and opened my presents that they hadnt given me yet. Tara got me some bath stuff, Mara got me a toy car. We had been joking about me wanting a car for my birthday, so I knew this was coming! But it was funny. Then we all watched movies. Monster-in-law and the Breakfast Club, my movie, I <33 that movie. Judd Nelson is so..*drool*..Okay, anyway. Today Tara left after we all got up, then me and Mara went to her dads and swam. I finally got caught up on my tan! Yay. So we hung out at the pool for about 5 hours, and then I came home. Now Im just kinda chillin, enjoying the fact that I can sleep late. Such a funfilled weekend...Now, Im just going to go and relax...Probably do some of that face mask stuff Tara bought me! Fun!

xo,
Lexi

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boooooys suck....sometimes [29 May 2005|10:48pm]

[ mood | drained ]

[ music | Home Grown "Cross My Heart" ]

So I went to the lake over the weekend. I met a boy. He is really pretty. heh. We hung out, and stuff. He was Denny's brothers son. So no relation to me! yay. heh. Well so we went back to the cabin, he was staying there too, go figure, and me and him hung out some more. We played the nervous game. It was cool. Today I got up at like 10 something. Urgh. Then we went out to the house boat, and then rode on the pontune boat, which broke down. How fun. So we had to go back to Hickory Star, going 5 miles an hour. It was sooo slow, but gave me a chance to catch up on my reading. Lol. Then we went home. At this point I dont want to think about Drew, the guy I met, I just want to forget about it. Didnt want to get attatched. He lives a long way away. So yea. Anyways. Im just kind of drained, probably from getting up so early. Im talking to Kayla, she broke her no cutting record. Im really happy she got this far. Its so hard to stop. I dont think I could ever stop. Not until Im ready, which at this point will be never. It has to do with boys. They really are nothing but trouble. I hate them sometimes too. Meh. I keep thinking about Andy, I keep wondering where we went wrong. I mean, when we broke up he still wanted to come down here, now all we do is fight, so it seems. I dont know anymore, I just want to slap him or something. Gawd. Well, whatever. Im going to try to relax, I need that. Dont know how good it will go, but I can try.

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[23 May 2005|11:22am]

[ mood | bouncy ]

[ music | Hellogoodbye "Shimmy Shimmy Quarter Turn" ]

Nothing much is going on. Andy came back. I dont know if Ive already said that..but oh well. Everything is ok with us, unless I talk about what happened before. He says he just doesnt want to bring back all the pain. I dont see how I put him through that much pain, but thats not the point. The point is, and what he doesnt seem to get, is that if we doing sort out all the bad stuff first, we cant move on to the good stuff. He is just so stubborn. gah. Anyways. I went to see a move last night, I went with Ct and Taylor. It was ok. I would have rather gone to see a different movie, but whatever. It was something to keep me entertained, and actually make it look like a did have a life. I havent gone to a movie in a really long time. I should really make more friends, that actually do stuff. Take Meghan for example, she never goes to do anything. I know its her dad, he is a major ass. But really, he cant keep her with him all the time. I mean dont get me wrong he's a good guy, but he was actually considering sending her to boot camp because she made a couple C's. And the only reason he pushes her so hard is because he dropped out of highschool. Its so stupid, if you ask me, he wont let Meghan live her life and make mistakes. But I guess its not my place to talk about if I agree with what her dad does or not. If he was my dad I would flip out. Anyway. Dane didnt get to come to the movies with me and Ct and Taylor. Which sucks because I like Dane, and he is Ct's boyfriend, so I cant go anywhere near him, but hey. It would still have been cool if he came. Well, I guess thats about it. Back to boredom. yay.

<3
Lexi

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First Day of My Life [15 May 2005|10:15am]

[ mood | cheerful ]

This is the first day of my life
I swear I was born right in the doorway
I went out in the rain suddenly everything changed
They're spreading blankets on the beach

Yours is the first face that I saw
I think I was blind before I met you
Now I don’t know where I am
I don’t know where I’ve been
But I know where I want to go

And so I thought I’d let you know
That these things take forever
I especially am slow
But I realize that I need you
And I wondered if I could come home

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An Endless Haze [27 Apr 2005|04:14pm]

[ mood | drained ]

[ music | Hawthorne Heights "Desolve and Decay" ]

Over the past couple of weeks or days, I really cant seem to keep track of time anymore, everything has just been a big haze. Like everything is moving in slow motion, and Im stuck on fastforward. I think my grades are slipping, but I feel like theres nothing I can do about it. All in all I feel like Im falling apart, and no one is even noticing, maybe Im just doing a good job of covering it all up, but it seems to me that no one cares. I guess their just all wrapped up in their own problems Im just slowly becoming invisible, and I have no control over it. I dont know whats wrong. Layla says Im depressed, but I seriously doubt it. It just seems like Im drowning and I cant stop, I just keep going deeper and deeper, into this big black hole, and then eventually Ill just detererate into nothing. I just dont know what to do anymore. I know if I told someone, who actually cared enough, which Im sure would be hard to find, would just send me to a shrink. Even though I dont need one. I have decided that if I do get sent to a shrink, Im not talking. Its weird though, because all I want to do is talk, just not to a shrink, god! I just dont know whats wrong with me, its driving me insane. I guess I just have to keep going with the motions, staying on fast forward, as my life just floats by, me going unnoticed. As usual.

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Alone and Ignored [22 Apr 2005|04:29pm]

Ok, well last night I talked to Lay on the phone and according to her if I keep doing what Im doing with the Tylenol Ill get addicted to it, and she also said that if I take more than nine I could overdose and end up in a coma, well that raises a lot of "issues" for me, it makes me really think, if I want to end up in rehab. I dont know, its not like I care. Anyways today Joslin was ignoring me, she didnt say one word. So meh. That makes me really mad. It made me want to cut, to be honest. Mara found out today, she made me show her my arm. -.-'
Then she told me that I couldnt do it again or she would tell, Im not even going to go into that. Anyways, I feel like my new "friends" dont like me, or maybe Im just being over sensitive. And like my old friends dont want to be my friends anymore..like Nikki for instance. Gah! I guess I have to think, really think.

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Whats been going on.... [19 Apr 2005|08:45pm]

[ mood | indescribable ]

I havent written in a while. Im such a slacker! Gah! Anyways..Since its been a while I cant remeber every detail, but Ill just say the ones I remember. So there was a dance last Thursday, for about the first hour, I just hung out and danced with Megy and yea..and got pictures made. Then Joslin started dancing with Alex, the guy I like, and I thought I told her I liked him, so I accused her of knowing and I didnt call her a slut, but I was thinking it. So it actually turned out that I told Mara, not her. So I felt really really bad, because she got upset and started crying, and I told her I was so sorry, and that I didnt mean to accuse her like that, its just..If you know Joslin, she is like a look alike of Regina George, but like nicer..once you get to know her. Anyways Im just afraid that Im going to end up being like Cady..but not end up being a bitch, just end up getting played and be left friendless, but seeing as she tells me a lot, like how her mom gets drunk at night sometimes and beats her, and that she cuts..I dont think she will, unless she is lying which I dont know...But I doubt it. Anyways, I have a new obsession, if you could call it that, I do. lol. I have made it official, to anyone that will listen, that I am going to marry Conor Oberst..if you dont know who that is, its the lead singer of Bright Eyes, which happens to be my favorite band. Anyways..I <3 him. Ok, now moving on because I dont want to obsess about him..I have enought today. I FINALLY got the book I wanted, its called Cut by Patricia McCormick..So far its amazing. I mean normally I cant find books about things like that ( the title should make the subject obvious, but for those who are going to read this and happen to be a little bit blonde, Its about a girl who cuts herself, and ends up in a looney bin.) , but Im glad I did. Its weird though, it makes me feel like I want to cut too. Sometimes when I watch a movie and the person is going through pain, and stuff, sometimes it makes me feel the pain for that person and that makes me want to cut. I know its sounds crazy..but I do. Its the same with books, etc. And like the only person I feel I can tell that is Nox, I love her to death, I can tell her anything and she will listen, and we seem to think along the same lines, so that helps us understand eachother. Well, I guess thats enough for now.

<3 always,
Lexi

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Bleh... [30 Mar 2005|07:09pm]

[ mood | cold ]

[ music | Maria Mena "Your Glasses" ]

Ok, well everyone wanted me to break up with Andy....so I did, but it wasnt because everyone wanted me too, well that may have been part of it, but thats not the point! Anyways...Its just I think we're not as close as we were before..and I mean its just hard, with the age difference, and such. But I mean, i feel really bad, because I broke his heart...and well yea. I mean I always thought it would be him to break up with me, but it wasnt...I guess life is full of surprises, huh? But he said that he still wants to come down here, and I want him to too...so I hope he does. Anyways...I dont know why it like tripled itself on me, the last posts I mean,I guess I pressed that buttons to much. Well...I have to do my homework, yay! not...so I shall go...
<3
Lexi

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[27 Mar 2005|06:24pm]

[ mood | blah ]

[ music | Maria Mena "Fragile" ]

Well Kayla came over this weekend! Yay. We didnt really do anything Friday...that I can remember. Saturday I has a softball tournoment...we lost every game...Oh how that sucked, but I guess its ok, considering it was our first tournoment. When I got home me and Kayla watched Mom At Sixteen and Unwed Father, they were both really good. Today dad made breakfast, which was good, counrty ham, buscuits, sausage, etc. Anywyas while we were eating breakfast Diane called, and dad answered it, normally he would just be like well we're eating dont answer it, to anyone else...I know he would, but no not Diane. I was sitting there thinking oh well forget us apparentally me and Kayla are no match to Diane, but I guess Im being selfish, but oh well. Anyways after that Kayla took me to go get ice cream for Baskin Robbins, it was really good. She also let me burn her Maria Mena cd! Yay! And her TBS cd! Yay too! And now dad is being all....well, how he gets at night..I really hate it, and Im worried about him...
Happy Easter!
Love,
Lexi

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Life is annoying, and people are just to damn dramatic [24 Mar 2005|11:23pm]

[ mood | crappy ]

[ music | Linkin Park "My December" ]

Ugh! Sometimes life gets so annoying. Kayla wants me to dump Andy, but I love him. And yes oviously Kayla will see this so she can just listen....Anywho, I love him so much, I really do. Sometimes I wonder though, if this really is love, and I really think it is, why does it have to be so dramatic. Its annoying, really, everything these days is so dramatic, its like every little thing is blown out of proportion, speaking of blowing things out of proportion, Kaylee is mad at me, just because Kayla thinks I need to break up with Andy. Kaylee actually thought I would, Im not that shallow, and she should know that by now. I think the truth is is that she is mad at Kayla and wants to take it out on me, so now she wont talk to me. Ugh. Dramatic people! I mean dont get me wrong I love my sister, but she just doesnt understand. Its weird though, I want to be mad at her for telling me that she will tell my dad about Andy, but at the moment I just want to talk to her, tell her everything. I think Im feeling this because I havent talked to Andy all day, he hasnt been online, that I know of atleast, and he isnt picking up his phone...Im really worried about him, I hope he doesnt do anything to stupid, but knowing him...ugh. Always.

Lexi

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[21 Mar 2005|10:08pm]

TELL US ABOUT YOURSELF - The Survey
Name: Lexi
Birthday: May 21
Birthplace: Knoxville
Current Location: Knoxville
Eye Color: Brown
Hair Color: changes
Height: 5'9"
Right Handed or Left Handed: right
Your Heritage: er....Cherokee Indian..I think
The Shoes You Wore Today: chucks
Your Weakness: to many to count
Your Fears: losing someone I love
Your Perfect Pizza: peperroni and sausage
Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year: dont know..
Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger: jup.
Thoughts First Waking Up: I wanna go back to bed!
Your Best Physical Feature: smile
Your Bedtime: whenever
Your Most Missed Memory: Anything with my mom
Pepsi or Coke: pepsi
MacDonalds or Burger King: dont really like either
Single or Group Dates: single
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: Lipton Ice Tea
Chocolate or Vanilla: Vanilla
Cappuccino or Coffee: Cappuccino
Do you Smoke: sometimes
Do you Swear: often
Do you Sing: I think I can...
Do you Shower Daily: jup
Have you Been in Love: Im not so sure I know that it really exsists
Do you want to go to College: jup
Do you want to get Married: yea
Do you belive in yourself: not really
Do you get Motion Sickness: sometimes
Do you think you are Attractive: hell no!
Are you a Health Freak: kind of
Do you get along with your Parents: sometimes
Do you like Thunderstorms: love them
Do you play an Instrument: jup
In the past month have you Drank Alcohol: nope
In the past month have you Smoked: nope
In the past month have you been on Drugs: nope
In the past month have you gone on a Date: nope
In the past month have you gone to a Mall: yea
In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos: yea
In the past month have you eaten Sushi: nope
In the past month have you been on Stage: nope
In the past month have you been Dumped: nope
In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping: nope
In the past month have you Stolen Anything: nope
Ever been Drunk: nope
Ever been called a Tease: ..dont know...maybe
Ever been Beaten up: no, but I beat someone up..does that count?
Ever Shoplifted: nope
How do you want to Die: I dont care, I just want to do it soon
What do you want to be when you Grow Up: writer
What country would you most like to Visit: I dont know....

CREATE YOUR OWN! - or - GET PAID TO TAKE SURVEYS!

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I didnt mean to do this to you [21 Mar 2005|08:00pm]

[ mood | disappointed ]

Well Andy came back yesterday, we only talked for a little. We talked a lot today, we got into a fight, well you couldnt exactly call it a fight considering there was no yelling done, but still. We mainly talked about a promise that I made to him along the lines of "If you die, I die" Well I told him that I didnt know if I could keep that promise I mean I love him more than anything in the world, but I just dont have the guts that he does, I mean sure I have thoughts about suicide often, but I know Ill never do it. Which makes me mad to an extent, because sometimes I feel so worthless, but thats another story. Anyways, Andy was really upset about it, he isnt really one of those guys that holds in his emotions if he's sad about something he'll cry and I love that about him, whenever he has something on his mind he'll tell me, most of the time atleast. I felt so rotten afterwards, because he's gone through so much, I just dont see how he keeps going, even if he says its only because of me, I've put him through a lot of shit in the past couple of weeks. I literally wanted to die, I think I should, because I know I dont deserve a guy like him, he is just to good for me, but he wont admit it, even though we both know it. I just wish that I could take all his pain away and go through it myself, I think I really deserve it for what I put him through sometimes, I dont want it to be like this, I dont want it to be about me, I want it to be about him for once, he just cares so much about me I feel that he puts me first, and I dont think thats good for him. Well, I just have to sort through all this mess...I hope this works out. I really do.

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Im sick of this! [18 Mar 2005|10:04pm]

[ mood | aggravated ]

[ music | Unwritten Law "Save Me" ]

Im so fucking sick of everyone saying, "Oh, I got a 100 on this! I bet you couldnt do any better" Or whatever the fuck they say. Everyone is making me feel like a fucking piece of shit! I did nothing to them, nothing! I tell you, the next time someone says something of that nature Im ganna fucking rip someones head off! Even if it is a joke, its not fucking funny anymore! Im so tired of this..I was actually having a good day! I havent been happy in so long, and then this happens! What the hell!!! I know that sounds selfish because I dont want anyone to rain on my parade no matter what their problems, but so be it, Im a hipacrite, but arent we all? Gosh I just want...UGH! Trying to calm down. Ugh...I have softball practice tomorrow, I dont wanna go, all I want to do is lay around the house and be lazy, since its spring break. Speaking of which I also am going...NOWHERE! Just because someone has to work, you know if I could drive I would go myself! But seeing as I cant, Im screwed, what else is new? And to top that all off, my boyfriend, the only one who seems to understand me, is on a ski trip. Ugh. Sometimes I feel like he is the only one who gets me, and yea sometimes I treat him bad, and I hate myself for it, trust me, I mean when he isnt here and things go crazy I just about die! I hate it all, at the moment atleast...

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[16 Mar 2005|04:02pm]

[ mood | bored ]

[ music | The Used "All that I've Got" ]

Ok well....this is my first entry,I guess I should use this like a regular journal....except one that everyone will see. -twitch- I wonder how you get someone to make you an icon..-blinks- i mean.....bologna... Anyways nothing is really going on, my History teacher is a dick, as always and I got to come home early...yay! I guess thats all...how boring..-sigh-

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