Star No Star's Blurty
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Monday, January 27th, 2003
| Time |
Event |
| 3:41p |
It's gone...
Already I can not talk to her, I cant bring up what I am dying to say. It's kinda weird, it took me monthes to open up but only about a day to basically close back up. I kinda want to just IM all the shit running through my head at her at once, when she is away so she cant reply, so I know that everything that need to be said was brought up and I can completely forget about it. However when ever I move to type it out I get shakey and sick, can't do it... but I want to. Maybe I will just copy and past a bit of it out of here that refers to the isse and tidy it a bit.. I dont know. She is closed up already too... so much can change at the hands of the uncaring. I feel like I should care less but at the same time more. I know that I hardly ever care enough especailly concerning deaths, I am going to lose a member of my family for the first time this year most likely and I dont know how it would feel, I dont know how I will react and that scares me. Shouldnt I be upset and shit? A friend of the family, a guy I have known since I was little died awhile ago, and I didnt cry I just kinda forgot ever hearing the news. I dunno I guess that was my examples of how I dont care enough, or how I lack the proper emotional response.
My chest feels tight...... | | 8:04p |
how does it feel?
Im so fucking pissed off...
now just feel this anger, seething, not boiling...
ebbing.... still miffed
At myself of course..
dumb little girl tried to talk again didnt you? ha u fuck. You know you can't, go back and play with your toys and fake the laughter. Thought you could escape from the plastic smile? No you cant you cant talk you cant do anything right. You should know that little girl, its been this way for years. Go fix the pink ribbons so at least your outsides are pretty and wipe away the tears... never let them see you cry. But you cant cry like a normal girl, you gave up your humanity a long time ago. Go play along with there games, there's no room for you here
fuck me.. its all my fault, shoulda known that I would not get anywhere. I never get anywhere always the same song-and-dance tracing out the same patterns on the floor, worn way by the time it was repeated. Over and over rip out my tongue forget that I have a heart. Leave it all behing. Time to grow up.... but the same patterns will still be traced and will wear a hole into the ground.
I hate this |
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