Saturday, January 11th, 2003

Time	Event
10:23a	You have to decide for yourself who you are. You can't ask someone who you are and expect the truth. I don't know who or what I am. And the more I look the more contradictions I find. I'm too much of a freak to be a prep and too preppy to be a freak. So what the fuck? I guess I'm just another nameless face in the sea of poser, wannabes and losers. There is no unifying theme through out my life. I have always been this way, a little too weird to be anything that people can define. But I dont want to be defined, I just want a straight answer. I want someone to say that I am a cool person. I don't care about the cliques the socail crap like so many others, but sometimes it gets to me, how can I be so out of place. How come I never fit in? Perhaps it's because I refuse to change who I am to fit in anywhere. I did that for awhile and everything turned out like shit. These years in highschool I have been myself more than ever and things have been better yet no one really knows what makes me tick. Neither do I. I am looking for a nice little word to describe myself, something that I can hold on too, so in those times of indecision, when I am falling apart I can at least say: I know for a fact that I am ______. But I don't know, answering that I am me isnt enough anymore. I know I don't act like "me" the entire time, and sometimes I dont feel like myself. And if I am not "me" and dont even know who "me" is; then maybe "me" isn't me? Does that make sense? I feel like I am in someone else's skin half the time; looking at the actions this girl takes going 'wow I would never do that' but it was me. I cant form this in coherant sentences, I tried all night. Even this journal which I have poured my heart out to isnt really me, completely. It is missing stories pictures and god knows what else. I feel like I have 3 people living inside my skin. One that writes in here, one for school & socail crap and the last is somewhere in the middle trying to hold it all together... I think that the real me is the one in the middle, not the extremes. But, for one reason I think that there has to be more to me than that. Than all of this combined... But in the end I know that... I dont know at all... After all this blather all I can say is I am me.... whatever that is.. (Comment on this)
9:07p	Spill your heart on the floor, try not to slip I want to cut. Why the hell do I want to cut? Why has it been running through my head all day? Perhaps it's because I have been doing a history project on the holocaust all day, or because I messed up call time and missed the swim meet. Maybe cuz my parents and I are fighting. Whatever it is it has been eating at me. Maybe cuz I know we are not "best friends" because everything is a fucking lie. But they are all opening up, I know their life stories and fuck all I do is lie... or hide from the truth. I have lead a sickeningly sheltered life. no sex no drugs no nothing... well there is cutting, but that doesnt fit into the equation. I dont fit the fucking equation. I shouldnt fucking exist... That's what's bothering me. I dont belong, Im not wanted and I wont be missed but nothing bad has happened I wont be missed ash has her clique and jen has hers, sara and suz will forget and move on. My family will be happy they dont have to pay college tutition. and perhaps feel bad for a week. I know half of this is just in my head. I hope to GOD that half of this is in my head, because fuck if life really is this worthless, and I am nothing I dont want to be a part of it. Im losing the will to be 'good' I want to stop eating again, I feel like I am going to throw up I want to bled. I want to hurt so badly physically that I cant think. I want to be so gone....... I dont want to feel this way. I dont know if all of me feels this way... just right now hurting seems like the thing to do, so I will keep myself here away from anything... surrounded by people who dont care. I will hold in the tears and lie through my fucking teeth. You wont know I fucking hurt until I am dead... I want to persevere just to prove to myself that I can make it but I want out so badly. things have to change I dont want to be like this forever i have no reason to feel this badly I dont want there to be another day where I have to lie. I want to live I want those stories to tell... For all the years I have lived on this earth I dont think I have ever truly live and that scares me... because what if I never live? what if I die before living? or whats worse it that this shit could be living. and it this is living then it really isnt fucking worth it. Now all I feel is dead..... a waste of space... I dont feel human... I... I want to cut (Comment on this)

<< Previous Day

2003/01/11 [Calendar]

Next Day >>