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[11 Jan 2003|10:23am] |
You have to decide for yourself who you are. You can't ask someone who you are and expect the truth.
I don't know who or what I am. And the more I look the more contradictions I find. I'm too much of a freak to be a prep and too preppy to be a freak. So what the fuck? I guess I'm just another nameless face in the sea of poser, wannabes and losers. There is no unifying theme through out my life. I have always been this way, a little too weird to be anything that people can define. But I dont want to be defined, I just want a straight answer. I want someone to say that I am a cool person. I don't care about the cliques the socail crap like so many others, but sometimes it gets to me, how can I be so out of place. How come I never fit in? Perhaps it's because I refuse to change who I am to fit in anywhere. I did that for awhile and everything turned out like shit. These years in highschool I have been myself more than ever and things have been better yet no one really knows what makes me tick. Neither do I. I am looking for a nice little word to describe myself, something that I can hold on too, so in those times of indecision, when I am falling apart I can at least say: I know for a fact that I am ______. But I don't know, answering that I am me isnt enough anymore. I know I don't act like "me" the entire time, and sometimes I dont feel like myself. And if I am not "me" and dont even know who "me" is; then maybe "me" isn't me? Does that make sense? I feel like I am in someone else's skin half the time; looking at the actions this girl takes going 'wow I would never do that' but it was me. I cant form this in coherant sentences, I tried all night. Even this journal which I have poured my heart out to isnt really me, completely. It is missing stories pictures and god knows what else. I feel like I have 3 people living inside my skin. One that writes in here, one for school & socail crap and the last is somewhere in the middle trying to hold it all together... I think that the real me is the one in the middle, not the extremes. But, for one reason I think that there has to be more to me than that. Than all of this combined...
But in the end I know that... I dont know at all... After all this blather all I can say is I am me.... whatever that is..
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[10 Jan 2003|05:26pm] |
Ack evil muthafucking stress. It's fucking FRIDAY and I am stressed. I had two impossible tests today, I should have studied more but my attention span is shit to say the least so even what I did study I forgot. Go me. And this weekend is going to be a mad hell rush of events.
1) I have to do a complete history project/presentation on the Holocaust and the last person that went was amazing so mine is going to look shitty no matter what I do. I just want a freaking B
2) Saturday an all day swim meet. 7.30 call so I cant sleep in. Damn my dedication, I can't believe I'm such a fucking good manager waking up early to time even though I SHOULD be swimming. But that would be even more stress
3) Sunday is hell: bagging 3-5 6-7 coaching and finish/do project
Do I have time to sleep? No. Time to have fun? Not really. Is everyone being distant? Yes. Do i feel shitty? Yes.
I hate this muthafucking stress.
my head already hurts.
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[09 Jan 2003|09:47pm] |
I was okay. I was fucking fine. Then me and my parents got into a little fight. Whatever, decided it wasnt worth it to be upset over... and tried to stop the whole negitive "nothing is important I'm nothing" thing from starting, which I did. Yay me. but I poured wax on my hand it burns but it also mosturizes really well. So anyway, I continue... and now all of a sudden at least an hour after the 'tiff I am starting to feel worthless and hopeless again. But it doesn't matter. Honestly this is something I know not to get worked up about and I refuse to let myself get upset or be upset from another minute. This is life it's not always fabolous more often than not it sux but it's life and I plan on living it.
Wow, I sound kinda positive. Yay me
It's so cold I'm shaking.... bah coldness.... my hands smell like the candle over poweringly so, bahness
Now I feel nothing... not in a bad way at all, its a content nothingness... slightly empty... welcome back to normality for me.
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[07 Jan 2003|03:55pm] |
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finger 11- walking in my shoes |
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So, I am just a worthless piece of crap that doesnt stop complaining. And I annoyed her... or pissed her off... I dunno and yea it does matter to me and it has potential to stop me from talking to her for while, but I dunno. I really don't. Fuck I dont even know if it was me. probably
I am very tired and I think I'm gonna go to bed at like 8 tonight. maybe I'll actaully sleep.
Last night was hell, when I am at home everything gets worse because I have the ability/time to dwell on stupid shit. So I finally broke down to the point of tears, and unfortunatly I cut. But I also wrote all stream-of-conscious about everything that was running through my head. I got a little sick (mentally) towards the end and... kinda exagerrated certain points with blood... ergh not good. not healthy. not me. but basically I realized I feel very alone, unloved, unwanted... and worthless.
worthless
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| your past is the breeze suffocating me inside-crush66 |
[06 Jan 2003|08:16pm] |
I feel so dead.
I feel so broken.
I feel like I am about to cry but I don't feel anything.
I already cried today... I am weak.
I dont want to exist anymore. I'm tired of this bullshit.
I want to cut, how healthy.
I think I should go eat dinner, but then I'll throw up, I can feel it in me bones.
I am such a fool
I use the word "I" too often.
Feeling dead never knew how it feels to live... something is missing, to bad it will never be found, but thats "life"
Let's go kill "life"
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[05 Jan 2003|02:56pm] |
There must be something fucking wrong with me... or maybe this is the new "normal"
got in a fight with the mother over bookshelves for my room, I wanted one I would like but they didn't have any so didn't want her to waste money buying one that just wouldnt work. She yelled at me how we're poor (duuuhhh) and that I was being a bitch by saying our house looked bad (which I never said, me being a dumb twit was enthralled by a sparkly counter-top thing for 5 minutes) So, bleh we leave, I get lectured at in the car about how she wants a pretty house and me looking at counters shows that I must not love her because I am throwing our poor-ness in her face. wooo fun. I kept saying, I didnt mean it like that I just thought it was snazzy blah blah. This worsens my already bad mood. I wanted to cut and I have a vicious headache (taking 5 painkillers the night before somehow did not help this) soooo I took 300mg of prescription ibprofen wheeee (people shouldnt leave their nifty meds all over my house)... my head still hurts bahness... but dear good that adds up too around 800 mg/g of painkillers I have taken in a little over 12 hours... I don't think that canbe too good, well if my head stops hurting it will be... Stupid stupid head.
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| I would describe how I feel, weeping wounds that never heal |
[05 Jan 2003|10:31am] |
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mood |
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 discontent |
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placebo-day before you came |
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.... It's all my fault
I shouldnt have bothered her, I cant talk emotionally or be emotional around people Im such a fucking moron, all I do is waste people's time.. I tried fucking failed, what a surprise. I was shaking the entire time, but I couldnt be all emotional and upfront, just kept shaking... damn am I a stupid fucker
Burning is definatly interesting, but I don't think I'll be doing it again any time soon, unless I find a lighter.
I think I finally slept a bit last night... after I cut. but it was a little cut, small and hidden. I am worthless
I cant cry I am not supposed/shouldnt [to] cut, and bahness.
I have too much homework, no attention span, coaching, and tons of chores fuck having fun I'm screwed.
I need to get the hell outta here..... too bad that's not gonna happen... fuck I still want to cut
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[04 Jan 2003|11:27am] |
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mood |
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the cure-watching me fall |
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Well, even though I really wanted to cut last night I didn't. So I finally made one day. Yea big friggen accomplishment, but maybe I can make a week, then a month... I want to make a year.
So what else should I write about? Hmm. how bout the story of the first time I cut... that has never been written, it's really blurry to me... it was this month four years ago. wow thats a long ass time. Well, I was really upset about losing a friend because she believed in a rumor. This was not the first time, you see this chick had been spreading rumors that I had said shit behind people's backs, something I never did. I was basically outcasted cuz of this girl's lies. And on top of that my 'rents were yelling at me for not being social enough. I was depressed, and I wanted to disappear. And then I honestly considered suicide, but I still wasn't sure; didn't know how deep to cut and whatnot. So I took the art-blade that I was using for a college and tested it's sharpness on my shin... it cut but I wasnt pressing hard so it didn't bleed, but the skin tearing apart was enough. I still felt shitty but not as badly... I made to more small cuts and went to bed. So after that I began to cut.
Wow, I am pathetic.... but that's why. I'm sure there is more to the story that I don't remember...
Self-harm started early, I would pick scabs until they bled or tear mesquitoe bites with my nails. I would hit myself or dig my nails into my skin when I did something wrong or was nervous (I thought I was stupid to be nervous)... but it wasnt serious or even really self-harm just a kid being a kid... right??
ugh, I'm still tired
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[03 Jan 2003|04:37pm] |
Working on breathing again
trying to remember how to trust... god thats was long ago... did it ever happen?
I did IM her, confrontation, its okay.. found out I am a bit more neurotic than once thought. but it's alright
My chest feels really tight.
Im nervous about tonight, I need it to work out.
7.30 met up w. reba but first I need to talk to jen about when we are leaving.. and how we are gettin back and forth. I hate scheduling nervousness. I hate my paranoia.
Maybe its because I havent been confrontational that has forced me to keep so much inside. I don't know... I didn't sleep last night, well maybe for an hour. I am really out of it. I think I'm gonna go take a shower, again. I need something to wake me up.
The plans are set, it's all good.
Heh, Justin was a cool kid today, we talked about driving to school like he'd give me a lift once he gets a car (march) if I give him on b4 hand.. yea but like everyone else he seemed kinda down, probably just tired. Rich wasn't though, rich is cool cuz he is a funny kid. Sam doesnt like to be touched, just like me but I have gotten muchus better, I like hugs now, she doesn't still. Poor Sam
Wow, hows that for gossip and drivel... but it was my day... I'm tired and I don't want to eat dinner...
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[02 Jan 2003|05:23pm] |
I don't understand it. Why do I fucking bother? I am only a replacement friend to her that's all I'll ever be. Just wait once anyone else comes along, I get pushed to the side. There is no fucking reason why I should keep talking to her. The only fucking reason I can think of is because she knows how mentally fucked up I am... well kinda, she has a better glimpse than most. Still, and because of that she has the ability to hurt me more, and I dont want to give anyone that power. I want this to be the last entry that mentions her, but I know it wont be.
I hate you mel so fucking much for being like that. I hate that I care what you think. I hate how everytime I see you I start to second-guess myself. I hate how you never replied to that fucking email.
I was a bitch to her today, and I won't apologize. Our fake friendship is fucking over, I'm not bothering anymore. Watch me IM her later, what the fuck.
The star is realllly obvious, it was the first time I cut a shape... Once I came close to writting a word kinda dug out the first letter and then got freaked... so I cut over and over it until is was just one huge bloody scrape. This month marks 4 years of cutting. For four years I have hated doing this to myself, but I couldn't stop for more than a month or so. I want to stop... I want this to end. But cutting is just a coping mechanism... so what the hell am I coping with? I feel alrite... I guess. I feel nothing I think. I don't ever know how I feel... except empty always. There is always a piece missing, it's hard to explain without sounding like a moron so that will have to suffice.
Well, that's me basically. Hello new journal...
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[01 Jan 2003|08:26pm] |
I cut a star into myself...
realized I couldnt talk to Mel b/c she doesnt care, big fuckin surprise...
I hate setting myself up for this
falling for days now...
Im waiting to hit bottom and shatter..
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