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[23 May 2003|11:07pm] I can't handle it when angels fuck and devils kiss

make your way down the face of everything we know [12 Feb 2003|08:45pm] [ mood | distressed ] [ music | early novembers... & AHA take on me ] Dont let it get to you... its not worth it. Is it? the glances, the feel of uncoming tears, is it worth feeling your heart tear into two every day? Is it worth the feelings of lonilness of worthlessness. Is it worth it to love anyone? No, it isn't, not when they dont love you in return, not when they dont care, not when you know you will never have them. The pain of wanting something unattainable is not worth wanting it. Give up already you stupid little heart. Stop trying to believe that someday they will care, stop it already. Why do I even care? Sometimes I dont, but somedays I am concerned, and I want to be with them but... no, I have to stop this. I have to stop loving them. They dont care, so neither should I. And I am tired of people who cut for attention, and I hate those that immediatly assume if someone cuts its for attention. I am tired of being silent about it... When people start saying "so-and-so cuts for attentiont they are so moronic" I hate having to be quiet because how the hell is sheltered little me supposed to understand cutting?? Yea, so I kinda tried today, but had to back off dont want them to think that I might cut. no not that. Also the person in question may have been cutting for attention, so I didnt know if I should have even bothered. Kinda doesnt matter, the people I was talking too have a set veiw of things that is usually impossible to change. I just can't stand all of this, those people need help. Yea 'those people' I dont include myself because I am fine, therapy won't help me anyway. That's right I am fine. I havent cut in awhile only burned but I can only handle that in small amounts. So there has not been any real damage done in awhile :-D But right now I want to bleed, badly lots and lots of blood. no real reason why, and I wont, I just want too. Argh I really want to cut...... and burn. But I CANT NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO. I have to change for gym now so cutting up my stomach is no longer an option like during swim season... BAH. I want to tear it all open again... and... but... no. Guess I am stuck here at the computer away from all knives/sharp objects/matches/lighters until this urge passes. bleh. I'm tired too. oh well this is for the best. [1] you kill me with a single word *when angels fuck and devils kiss

i am another waste of everything you dreamed of [11 Feb 2003|06:53pm] felt like fucking shit today, from 2nd period till a bit after school. I felt like I was going to pass out or vomit. Then by english, everything was spinning and I could hardly see straight. So in bio I proceeded to take tons of medication... at least 4 extrastrenght pills... stupid me my headache tomorrow will now be worse than today. BAH sicknesssss and this week is my concert. Thus for the rest of the week I have to suck it up and not complain in the least or I wont be able to go and that would just suck ass. so im healthy im healthy and if I repeat it enough I will be. Mind over matter.... felt like shit in history and bothered her... and them..... foooooook.... tomorrow is a day in the library yay easiness and yea no tests which should be rocking. CBA meet, saw hott guys. alex said something to a dude that I didnt want her to say.. basically saying I called him a moron, cuz he was. and wow is she not good at crap like that, ah well I didnt like him and i wont see him again so no stress. stress not allowed b/c cutting & burning are not allowed. No.. no ..no dont kill kittens when angels fuck and devils kiss

and you'll never hear their voices, you'll never see their faces [06 Feb 2003|10:01pm] [ music | pink floyd- final cut ] Could anybody love him Or is it just a crazy dream? And if I show you my dark side Will you still hold me tonight? And if I open my heart to you And show you my weak side What would you do? Would you sell your story to Rolling Stone? Would you take the children away And leave me alone? And smile in reassurance As you whisper down the phone? Would you send me packing? Or would you take me home? Thought I oughta bare my naked feelings, Thought I oughta tear the curtain down. I held the blade in trembling hands Prepared to make it but just then the phone rang I never had the nerve to make the final cut -pink floyd- feeling like shit, its too deep for tears, for knives or fire... I cant reach it to pull it out. It is dissolving me from the inside and I dont know what to do anymore. The tears dont come, the blood doesnt quell it, the pain cant burn it out. Get this thing out of me man I cant deal with this right now. Depression isnt crying it is being so sad that you are incapable of tears, of anything.... I have nothing to talk about because I dont have the words anymore... I lost myself a bit ago and the words even the incoherant meaningless ones have stopped coming... I dont feel like how I should... maybe I should have died, then all this could be better, and prettier. And then I may have lived..... when angels fuck and devils kiss

I dont believe what she had to say [02 Feb 2003|08:38pm] cut cut cut cut insicion fucker. you have some fucking nerve. fuck you... you dont understand. you couldnt understand... how could you when Im not even sure what is going on. Stop throwing it into my face, stop it stop it stop it cut cut cut cut... get it away just please go away.. i want to go back to bed, never should have woken up today. never should have woken up to begin with. I cried today did you know that?! I fucking cried after months I fucking cried.. do you think I can deal with this today?! then what we go away and shit is left unresolved. Fuck you fuck you. I tried to be nice, bit my tongue and you, you make me feel like shit and I said nothing. And you... god I try I try so hard to help you. But you pushed me away like he is pushing you away. It fucking hurt me but I still stood by you, I didnt complain.. So dont get mad at me please just dont become all silent and closed up. I cant loose you all over again. I never should have woken up. my mother said she didnt love me today, again. my father just yelled at me, muttering I am stupid. And then my friends hurt me... thank you so much really thank you.. Im crying again... Im going back to bed... Im going back to the one thing that has never let me down, Im going back to cutting... sleeping and bleeding.. thats all there is anymore... I want to leave all of this pain behind, but I need help... but everyone around me only digs the knife in deeper... Im going back to bed. when angels fuck and devils kiss

magenta feeling taking place in the base of my spine [01 Feb 2003|02:41pm] [ mood | bouncy ] [ music | savage garden-cherry cola & fountains of wayne ] Im such a whore. haha. She has a profile on Planetout and I looked at it and just laughed and laughed. Im such a horrid person. And to top that off I was a bitch to her last night, never let me walk over you I wont know when to stop. Left w/o saying goodbye how typical, probably blocked. But hahahahaha personals hahahahahahahaha Im such a whore. I want to create a joke one just for the hell of it, but too damn lazy. Cut on thursday night/early friday morning. And I refuse to let anyone else ever get under my skin. Life has been mellow except the whole vicious moodswings of PMS. whee now there is fun. Her mother said she could see how I could act so crazy yet be such an intelligent/hardworking student. Ha anyone can get into NHS and all the other shit. Furthermore having fun is fun (dont I sound smart?) so act crazy live it up without drugs or other substances of course. Sheesh Im still laughing it was waaayy to funny, must the lack of sleep thing making it so funny. Aw I love her though, no wai I hate her. no maybe not I dont know, nor do I care. And I refuse to care ever again. Also I promise not to fuck with her head anymore, not nice. However I will say that I never have ever cut. tehehehehe. Im a whore when angels fuck and devils kiss

how does it feel? [27 Jan 2003|08:04pm] Im so fucking pissed off... now just feel this anger, seething, not boiling... ebbing.... still miffed At myself of course.. dumb little girl tried to talk again didnt you? ha u fuck. You know you can't, go back and play with your toys and fake the laughter. Thought you could escape from the plastic smile? No you cant you cant talk you cant do anything right. You should know that little girl, its been this way for years. Go fix the pink ribbons so at least your outsides are pretty and wipe away the tears... never let them see you cry. But you cant cry like a normal girl, you gave up your humanity a long time ago. Go play along with there games, there's no room for you here fuck me.. its all my fault, shoulda known that I would not get anywhere. I never get anywhere always the same song-and-dance tracing out the same patterns on the floor, worn way by the time it was repeated. Over and over rip out my tongue forget that I have a heart. Leave it all behing. Time to grow up.... but the same patterns will still be traced and will wear a hole into the ground. I hate this when angels fuck and devils kiss

It's gone... [27 Jan 2003|03:41pm] Already I can not talk to her, I cant bring up what I am dying to say. It's kinda weird, it took me monthes to open up but only about a day to basically close back up. I kinda want to just IM all the shit running through my head at her at once, when she is away so she cant reply, so I know that everything that need to be said was brought up and I can completely forget about it. However when ever I move to type it out I get shakey and sick, can't do it... but I want to. Maybe I will just copy and past a bit of it out of here that refers to the isse and tidy it a bit.. I dont know. She is closed up already too... so much can change at the hands of the uncaring. I feel like I should care less but at the same time more. I know that I hardly ever care enough especailly concerning deaths, I am going to lose a member of my family for the first time this year most likely and I dont know how it would feel, I dont know how I will react and that scares me. Shouldnt I be upset and shit? A friend of the family, a guy I have known since I was little died awhile ago, and I didnt cry I just kinda forgot ever hearing the news. I dunno I guess that was my examples of how I dont care enough, or how I lack the proper emotional response. My chest feels tight...... when angels fuck and devils kiss

this I ask [26 Jan 2003|04:12pm] me(15:55:51): would u tell me if ur upset? her (15:56:20): no, because ive decided to no longer discuss that with anyone because it only causes problems me (15:56:43): thats bullshit her(15:57:38): no, its not ive realized....if i say im upset/pissed/angry/etc, i get bitched out because everythings my fault, im a dumbass, and i just do it for attention of course her (15:58:01): this has been brought to my attention by numerous people in the past week or so me(15:58:15): and when have I done this? or are you just basing all this on a few other random people? her (15:58:48): im basing this on emma, holly, and matt me (15:59:45): k m**, fine go lock your emotions away just so you dont "fuck things up" go right ahead. but I cant see how it could be a good thing her (16:00:13): because then i wont get bitched out everytime i open my mouth me (16:01:05): so based on 3 people ur never telling anyone how u feel? her (16:02:02): id ont know, i try not to think about it too much me (16:02:45): u'll never live if you do that... her(16:04:15): i dunno....brb Lordy that is so fucking dumb, that doesnt help. Doesnt she realize I'm here? Fuck stuff like this makes me feel so worthless, like I am. Just if she does that she would be doing something I have done for 4 fucking years! And do I sounds happy? Do I sound stable? NO I DONT. she isnt gonna fucking live and I know that. Guess what I bet if she keeps it up she'll committ suicide; she has tried before it wouldnt shock me if she tried again. Fuck. But there is nothing I can fucking do! She wont tell me anything, all locked away.. dying like that. Fuck chica thats fucking dumb open your mouth, tell the truth and live your damn life. Please live, please dont die. The sad part is I do care and she'll never believe me, she'll never trust me. All I can do is watch thats it, i hate not having control I hate not being trusted. I hate you for not being smarter than me. Please please don't die when angels fuck and devils kiss

"we held back the tears when they needed to flow, but were we once stood lie only footprints" [24 Jan 2003|03:14pm] Fuck you. I HATE YOU MUTHAFUCKA But you hate me more dont you? Watch me throw you away just wait, Im building up the courage, and ur gonna be gone. I wont care and I wont notice and I wont need you. I dont need anyone. feel like going to sleep... that aint happening. last night didnt work kept waking up. I want to hurt you so severely, not physically because you could recover I want to mess u up mentally. You'll never get back up. I am too cruel in nature. Dont worry it will be held in, only fake smiles displayed. You'll be fine, my conscience wont let me. Aren't you happy? I saved you from me. ME ME ME I did it ME you muthfucker that doesn deserve any of this. Your just a dirty nasty whore. I hate you, but I wont hurt you... I wont even tell you how I feel. I just want to throw you away. throw you away... fuck you when angels fuck and devils kiss

tell me something that is sure to break my heart [23 Jan 2003|05:29pm] [ mood | blah ] [ music | fenix tx-all my fault ] I don't remember the date, perhaps tuesday, I cut a gash into my leg. It's deep semilong and was very nice. The only problem was how to explain it to everyone. And today I came up with the perfect excuse ran into a broken wire fence wearing capris. They believed it AHAAHAHAHA. The only scary moment is when Sam asked to see it, I was like "fuck" but she believed me still! She said it looked really gruesome, I dont think it was thaaat bad. :D but everyone is believing me. The only bad part was when Mel kicked it :/ that hurt a bit but how should she know that it was there..... yes. Life is smelllllly. Actually it aint that bad. I have midterms but the ones this week arent hard rather easy., next week is gonna kill me but oh well. This weekend is hectic again with set, bagging, and coaching not to mention SLEEP and studying. I swear to god I have been sooooo tired lately it doesnt matter how long I sleep for Im still so dead tired. Bah. At least swim practice (which I have been skipping anyway) has been cancelled till wensday due to exams :) dude Im so fucking tired and its onbly 630... im so going to bed soon. naw knowing me and my dumbness I'll stay up past 11 and wake up a bajillion times during the night when angels fuck and devils kiss

tell me something that is sure to break my heart [23 Jan 2003|05:29pm] I don't remember the date, perhaps tuesday, I cut a gash into my leg. It's deep semilong and was very nice. The only problem was how to explain it to everyone. And today I can up with the perfect excuse ran into a broken wire fence wearing capris. They believed it AHAAHAHAHA. The only scary moment is when Sam asked to see it, I was like "fuck" but she beleived me still! She said it looked really gruesome, I dont think it was thaaat bad. :D but everyone is believing me. The only bad part was when Mel kicked it :/ that hurt a bit but how should she know that it was there..... yes. Life is smelllllly. Actually it aint that bad. I have midterms but the ones this week arent hard rather easy., next week is gonna kill me but oh well. This weekend is hectic again with set, bagging, and coaching not to mention SLEEP and studing. I swear to god I have been sooooo tired lately it doesnt matter how long I sleep for Im still so dead tired. Bah. At least swim practice (which I have been skipping anyway) has been cancelled till wensday due to exams :) dude Im so fucking tired and its onbly 630... im so going to bed soon. when angels fuck and devils kiss

Im not between you and your ambition, Im a poster girl with no poster [21 Jan 2003|04:16pm] [ music | ani difranco-32 flavors ] I'm playing a dangerous game, longing to play waiting for the moment to start. Perhaps this will fade, and I will regain the logic I know isn't here. I want to play... cutting in obvious places, waiting watching, proving that no one sees it. Proving that I am insignificant. I dont want the attention, because if they notice I lose; but if the don't I win. The prize is the ability to cut whereever I want whenever. Dangerous game, if I blow it, it's possible my future will be blown too... No one will notice, not that many chances, safe safe, fun game to play. Stupid girl wanting to throw your life away............ seems like fun, something to do. No one noticed the small cut on my upper arm, true my t-shirt covered it mostly, so see it is unlikely for them to notice. I'll be safe, I promise; just let me play Or make my mind stop, stop hurting me in those little ways. Promise to stop and then I'll think twice about playing. I want the world when angels fuck and devils kiss

A cheap fuck for me to lay something takes a part of me [20 Jan 2003|03:31pm] [ mood | blank ] [ music | korn.... ] Korn eh how mature? Lookie at the journal new arrangement? nifty no? took me forever and a day but hell for not reading any hmtl i think it looks pretty decent. Im tired of onesided conversation that I seem to have with everyone. I just want there to be someone that I can go to when upset, someone that wont ask questions but just hold me while I cry this all out. SOmeone who realizes something is wrong without me having to say a word... someone that makes me feel safe. but I havent found that person yet, will I ever? I don't know, I honestly dont. I thought I could be happy being alone, but hell I still want that "other half" relationship with someone, like everyone talks about... bah. Damn you My hands are so cold they are turning purple. I really dont wish to go to school tomorrow... I wonder if there is swim practice, and will I go? Is reba about? I wonder how ohio was. been wanting to cut up my arms lately, I want to tear them apart, gash after gash. mmmm. But no I cant too much of my wardrobe is short sleeves, and the whole swimming thing is a little problematic. Aww welll.... perhaps a window broke on my arm could work? tehehe no. Honestly its sick, the idea of taking a large shard of glass and plunging it into my wrist and watching the blood boil forth is very very tempting.... and I dont have a reason to, just this want . Oh well... I won't.. hell I probably wont cut at all today... does that make you proud of me? when angels fuck and devils kiss

Walls of fire, all around.. [17 Jan 2003|04:51pm] [ mood | calm ] [ music | divinity destroyed- the sleeper has awakened ] Welll I'm still emotional. and she never replied, let's act like it didn't bother me. I dont feel well. Didn't cut last night... only that morning. Haven't cut today... will I? no? I dont think so. Perhaps I will keep it together, maybe it never fell apart. Just to let you know Im doing fine... basically I am 'alive' numb and dead to the core. THe deadness has just set in, this usually last a week, few days or so. I'm scared of Christians.. those born-again and other freakish sects that just preach and preach thier religion, who think Harry Potter is satanic, they frighten me, my mother frightens me. I have no problem with Christians who believe in God, Jesus and go to church; but dont shove it down my throat dont think that I have to go to church to be saved or anything like that. It's my problem if I end up in hell, not yours. Actually I am scared of anyone who thinks their religion is all there is, the best of the best, the final authority.. I dont know when people are so focused on that they are 'right' and everyone else is 'wrong' and that they need to 'save' the 'wrongdoers' its fucking scary.. Religion kills tolerance so many times, and so many lives are lost. It scares me.... when angels fuck and devils kiss

[16 Jan 2003|09:00pm] I hate being ignored, I hate when they dont reply. And havent you ever noticed that it ALWAYS happens when you need to talk to them? Fuckers. fuck me. it gets to me waaay too much. I should grow up. I cut again... 4 times... now by 4 times I mean I cut on 4 separate occasions with a certain amount each, I don't count cuts, thats kinda sick... I did count scars once, last year cuz I was REALLY bored... over a 100 visible is all I remember, a lot more now :/ I need to get over this.. I need her to reply. come on goddammit am I really the replusive? oh wait I am. Feel like crying again, but didnt really before. Feel like cutting again but the new ones still hurt. Feel like throwing up again, but the house is too quiet. Feel like running again, but I'm not allowed too. I want to go to sleep... but still have to study. Im so stupid. Erck, I really feel like I should be hurting... fuck. I'll get this right one day. Longing to slit my wrists, but I know it wont kill me, and dont want to have to make up an excuse about the scar... might as well abstain. God there is nothing to do... she still hasnt replied, dont I feel fucking loved. what else should I expect. Im so dumb... Why dont I kill myself and get it over with? Why am I too scared of failure to take that plunge... A bottle of asprin bottle of stackers and I'd be fucking gone. Why dont I? I know I am a failure, I know nothing will get better. Why the hell am I still here? All this is fucking useless, I want out. when angels fuck and devils kiss

[14 Jan 2003|06:45pm] I'm shaking, shuddering... can hardly breathe.... Ill be okay.. I didnt cut. havent in a bit.. perhaps a week? maybe? I wonder... told myself if I made it through today I could cut, if I still felt like shit... dont think I will. I want to make a month.. and fuck it seems like cutting is cool so now I DONT want to do it even more b/c if people find out now they will think it is just for attention, screw the other 4 yrs its been going on. Last year for swim pics I had 4 noticably scars on my arms... and more on my legs but we were wearing pants so it didnt matter. If you look at the pic you can see, i think, two of the cut on my arms. This year there were no visible cuts, none. I'm kinda proud of myself... yay.. Wish I didnt feel this... blah [1] you kill me with a single word *when angels fuck and devils kiss

now its time to make a choice and all I wanna hear is ur voice [13 Jan 2003|06:37pm] I still have been good. I have had amazing amounts of anxiety attacks today, felt amazingly sick... but I didnt do anything I'll regret Got Manson's holywood finally which kicks major ass.... made my day muchus better... wrote something in my other journal, spur of the moment... was told it was beautiful captured reality and the world. it was fucking bad. I dont know how people can tell me I write wonderfully when all that I write is trash. Look at my english grades, no essay higher than a B, that is not talent. I can not write beautiful, wrist_water could, but he went away... everyone does in the end.. that's how I ended up here, but I keep up the facade over there.... I'm not fine.. I feel dead, I am dead on the inside. I dont have a great passion or a dream, I just want to be happy and secure. I want to help people, but how I dont know. Wanted to be a lawyer but scared what I would do if I lost a case, want to by a psychologist but what if one of my patients commit suicide, and how can I help them if I already have all these problems.. what about being an artist? no I would be too impatient and I dont want fame; just good friends...I cant be a housewife I'd go crazy and Ill end up unmarried... music? no talent there... business no Im not interested in any of that. Maybe business law. I wont care as much when I lose but I would be so fucking boring, and I want to help people directly. I always thought I had direction and plan in place but it seems that all I have planned is that I want to be in Boston for college or UNC but that's as far as I have gotten. All I want is to be happy, I dont want to die bitter.... I want to be pretty... I'm too chubby to be pretty, always the ugly fat girl, always alone. I would say lets just stop eating, but I have no willpower (btw it would not be anorexia because this would be healthy, until I get to a good weight)... there is throwing up but thats fucking gross. I do exercise, everyday for an hour swimming, and I eat rather healthy but no fucking change. I am always fat, always ugly, always alone... could anyone love me? No you fucking moron no one will love you ever. YOU ARE A WORTHLESS PIECE OF SHIT. DEAL WITH IT when angels fuck and devils kiss

fall into the clouds grab the closure you need to breathe [12 Jan 2003|11:43pm] Fuck? No, not quite... I held it together. I didn't cut. I want to say I've been feeling fine, but I dont want to lie to myself. I feel kinda sad. Asked her thousands of questions this weekend, found out new and old info... but then she left, better people came along. But I was okay, ran out of questions anyway. Didn't want her to ask me any... I am not an open person. I hear all the horror stories from my friends, tales of pain. I hear of abuse, suicide, rape, eating disorders, cutting and so much more. I dont want them to hurt. I dont want anyone to hurt. Everytime someone hurts I wish it was me, I am meaningless they on the otherhand are wonderful amazing humans who dont deserve that treatment. As long as they are smiling/happy/okay/safe I dont care about me. Hurt me not them, Im just worthless no one will notice.. no one needs to notice. I will make it through I promise, just let them be. I think everything is over... just over no other way to say it, its over... but I dont know. I cant explain how it feels to know that this is it, nothing more will ever come of this. This is as good as it gets. It cuts deep knowing that these are the best four years of my life, and I cant wait for them to be over.... but I am over. Choking on the english language..... goodnight to me when angels fuck and devils kiss

Spill your heart on the floor, try not to slip [11 Jan 2003|09:07pm] I want to cut. Why the hell do I want to cut? Why has it been running through my head all day? Perhaps it's because I have been doing a history project on the holocaust all day, or because I messed up call time and missed the swim meet. Maybe cuz my parents and I are fighting. Whatever it is it has been eating at me. Maybe cuz I know we are not "best friends" because everything is a fucking lie. But they are all opening up, I know their life stories and fuck all I do is lie... or hide from the truth. I have lead a sickeningly sheltered life. no sex no drugs no nothing... well there is cutting, but that doesnt fit into the equation. I dont fit the fucking equation. I shouldnt fucking exist... That's what's bothering me. I dont belong, Im not wanted and I wont be missed but nothing bad has happened I wont be missed ash has her clique and jen has hers, sara and suz will forget and move on. My family will be happy they dont have to pay college tutition. and perhaps feel bad for a week. I know half of this is just in my head. I hope to GOD that half of this is in my head, because fuck if life really is this worthless, and I am nothing I dont want to be a part of it. Im losing the will to be 'good' I want to stop eating again, I feel like I am going to throw up I want to bled. I want to hurt so badly physically that I cant think. I want to be so gone....... I dont want to feel this way. I dont know if all of me feels this way... just right now hurting seems like the thing to do, so I will keep myself here away from anything... surrounded by people who dont care. I will hold in the tears and lie through my fucking teeth. You wont know I fucking hurt until I am dead... I want to persevere just to prove to myself that I can make it but I want out so badly. things have to change I dont want to be like this forever i have no reason to feel this badly I dont want there to be another day where I have to lie. I want to live I want those stories to tell... For all the years I have lived on this earth I dont think I have ever truly live and that scares me... because what if I never live? what if I die before living? or whats worse it that this shit could be living. and it this is living then it really isnt fucking worth it. Now all I feel is dead..... a waste of space... I dont feel human... I... I want to cut when angels fuck and devils kiss

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