| well... |
[06 Dec 2004|08:00pm] |
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nothing...i wanna hear snow patrol tho... |
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since this is my journal i think i'm gonna sit here awhile and ramble about shit thats still bugging me even after its been done and over with for at least 2 months now. the one thing in particular im gonna ramble about is fucking field hockey aka the love of my life. here goes nothing...
i was so damn excited for hockey this year. its my junior year i was gonna be an upperclassmen and bla bla bla be one of the highest of the team and bla bla bla... hockey at some point not that long ago was the only thing i was living for..literally so when things started crumbling i had no fucking klue what i was gonna do. i told myself in advance that if hockey was starting to look like another sophomore year of basketball i was gonna save myself alot of time and energy and cut things short. but i didnt actually think i was gonna hafta do that afterall field hockey is one of the only things im good at. then the unexpected happened...i miss most of preseason..coach decides she never wants to fuckin play me..and i was giving everything i have and more into something where i guess i wasnt deserving of anything in return. so then i start having the thoughts i thought i would have never thought "should i quit hockey?!" i mean how the hell do you walk away from something you love? something you've worked so hard for for over 5 fucking years? how do u just walk away from that? so after one closecall or as other people wanted to call "threat" of quitting i decided to finally go thru it. i took the cowards way out completely and i'll admit it to the world. quitting sure as hell was so hard. i fuckin hate that people look at it as if i were the asshole and taking the easy way out. quiting wasn't easy and i knew it wasnt gonna be easy i was prepared for it but it didnt make it any easier. unfortunately i saw the horrible side of hockey that i wish i was never exposed to: the girls side. the playing favorites (including coach.) i tried to tell myself that wasnt possible but i realized i was still having coach hold preseason against me even after a month into season. im sorry but u just hafta get over it, u gotta let go of shit and i realized that i guess women have a hard time doing that. when u have a coach who just never liked u, ur not gonna play, no matter how good u r and i learned that the hard way. but im still just so angry. why did i work so hard? why couldnt i get a fucking break for once? why is this world plotted out for me to fail? its so un-fucking-fair :(
this is why i can never take risks or make efforts with anything coz i never stand a chance.....
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2 comments|  unleash your mexican from inside
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| bla bla bla....heres your update people!!!! |
[23 Nov 2004|07:06pm] |
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shakira: objection! (tango) |
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not much to update about....not sure if im even gonna continue with this journal...i knew something like this was gonna happen sooner or later hahaha but yeah taking back sunday this saturday!!!! woot woot. i will be going shit... i may go to the tsunami bomb show december 3 i think it was...i hope its not the 4th coz i gotta babysitting job then and yea i need that $ really bad. my job search is only leading me into the fucking ground bla bla bla ok thats enough for now...
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1 comment| unleash your mexican from inside
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| uh huh! |
[21 Oct 2004|07:21pm] |
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war all the time by thursday |
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there rachel i wrote my two word update but now its even more than 2 words now that im putting this here so now its like 20 words!!! sooo many! lol im only kidding but uhh yeah me brittany and kristy are some crazy people oh yeah and kerin too....and homecomings in like 2 days...this saturday...yeah i guess thats 2 days oh god w/e i cant believe im going to homecoming ugh i dont really wanna go...to any homecomings.... i hate bitches who bullshit. all homecoming is is a bunch of bullshitting before and then it gets closer and ppl get more and more unprepared..myself included. i swear im not doin this whole homecoming shit next year unless i actually get forced into it which i wont. maybee its like the more homecomings you go to the more sick of them u start to get. but it might just be me. rachels homecoming sucked...so did chelseas....if mine sux ill fuckin kill someone. but yeah i think theres quite a few ppl out there mad at me at the moment...dont know why...actually i aint even sure coz its not like they say anything even if they are mad so whatever if they cant say anything to me then it aint nothin......
im in love with this victory records sampler thingy!! its got hawthourne heights and silverstein and atreyu and bayside and action action its really good...and im in love with robert smith and taking back sunday and uh yeah im done with all of that for the time being
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1 comment| unleash your mexican from inside
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| i wish the weekend wasnt over... |
[26 Sep 2004|09:34pm] |
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failures not flattering by nfg |
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hmm whats been going on since my latest depression...well on thursday i think it was we were playing golf in gym and me and matt were playing sword fights!! it was too fun! lmao and matt m and matt l and colin and me were like playing hockey with our clubs and stuff. that was like the funest shit ever haha.
ummm....friday i had my game against gateway and we got our asses kicked which is pretty sad but o well thats coaches fault coz if she played me we wouldnt of lost but i wasnt at practice all week so yeah i knew i wasnt playing but neway rachel dwayne and me went to the sterling paulsboro football game and paulsboro got beat and we went to wawa and we were stranded so dwayne got hott ass ron to pick us up and he dropped off rachel at paulsboro high skool then the 3 of us we went to rons so he could get changed and i got to see all of rons tattoos which meant he had to take his pants off since he was already technically '1/2 naked' lmao but yea i deff enjoyed all of that...LMAO dwaynes gonna be so mad if he sees this since thats his friend and everything hahaha so then we went to this chick nickys apartment shes in the kingswick apartments i think and um we were chillin there and they were all really nice so that was kool and we were just drinking and stuff and then after 11 i guess i realized i left my purse in front of that wawa coz i didnt bring my purse into rons car so yea that makes me the most absent minded person ever lmao but thank god i had no cash in there lol. then me ron and dwayne went to drop me off and we were completely jammin to taking back sunday it was soo fun. theres nothing better than just rocking out! ron was getting more into the singing stuff then he was was watching the road o well lol.
so then saturday i woke up at 730 not by choice and i had to go to practice at 930. and then i went home stripped and went to bed and i laid around the whole afternoon and i didnt feel good at some point and then at like 7 my cozins came over and i had to babysit. then brit came over at like 8 and then rachel came over around 9 i guess and then we were all chillin. fun stuff
so sunday i went to the mall got a thrice shirt and a application for hot topic...since im putting my social security # down this time they best to hire me haha
so now i guessin the middle of all of this i took a shower got offline and now it is monday night instead of sunday when i was orginally supposed to update this...o well *laughs in silence* hahaha
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2 comments| unleash your mexican from inside
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| well i will never make another promise.... |
[20 Sep 2004|09:58pm] |
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set phasers to stun by taking back sunday |
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im so tensed up it sux so much. just an hour ago or something like that=complete breakdown. i havent cried that much in a very very long time. well failures not flattering and im a failure so that could possibly be why i cant be flattered. im so pathetic damnit. o well i dont care and i dont mind that nobodys gonna read this its fine with me. its my journal i can bitch if i want to. i hate sounding like i have so much self pity. i dont care that im depressed and nothing or nobody seems to care or help me when im depressed. o well u get what u deserve and if i dont deserve comfort alright then i dont deserve it. im such an asshole o well its ok with me.
i think i might have just watched my dreams fall apart right before my eyes.....
i have alot to think about...
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3 comments| unleash your mexican from inside
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| quizzes from rachels blurty |
[05 Sep 2004|09:41pm] |
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somebody told me by the killers |
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some of that is...weird, some of that is untrue, and other parts are possibly honest but what do i know?
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unleash your mexican from inside
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| ...... |
[04 Sep 2004|12:50am] |
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silence n me getting kinda upset about the ppl in this world |
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past few days have been rough...um my birthday deff didnt feel like a birthday at all. i wish i could of just lost one thing and not two...so yeah the emo in me has been showing its true colors lately. i dunno if thats a good thing or a bad thing. w/e
on a lighter note rachel is in west deptford!!!!!! im really really excited about that coz now it'll be easy to meet my darling mexican!!! woohoo!! lol
oh yeah i got my belly done which im very happy about and it couldnt have gotten better as far as pain and stuff goes coz the only pain i had was the needle first being shoved thru and that pain only lasted for about 5 seconds if even that.
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unleash your mexican from inside
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| *sigh* |
[26 Aug 2004|01:16am] |
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just like you by 3 days grace |
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well i came home at like i unno 1130 or or something like that and i came home to find out my mom was at the hospital coz my grandmom was there. i now know not to ever listen to a serious thing my brothers say coz they (or at least one of them) are the stupidest ppl ever. they told me something that happened to grandmom which was completely not true in fact it couldnt have been farther from the truth. what dumbasses. so my mom just came home and told me she wasnt staying and that my grandmom might have phemonia or however u spell that weird word. my mom told me she doesnt know when she'll be back but she told me not to wait up but im prolly still gonna wait up coz its not like i can ever sleep anyway so what difference does it make? ahh i gotta wake up at like 8 tommorrow ewwwwwwwwwwwwww thats not kool. but anything for the money. hah that kinda sounds shallow but i really need the money right now. im so tired roar. and my dogs goin crazy coz she knows somethings goin on...
um on another note dwayne and mal came over today. then we went to ritas and then we went to tim putnams house and chilled for a while. then mal had to leave and then me n dwayne went over to eds and we went around driving and we went to this empty parking lot in woodbury heights and ed was makin doughnuts with the car and doin crazy shit like that and he showed me where they do their races lol and then we went to gregs house and chilled there for a while. then ed brought me home. so yeah that was basically my day except the fact that i had to mow the lawn which sucked ass i hate mowing the lawn and getting sweaty smelly and dirty and then needing a shower.
**
i could mean
i could be angry
you know i could be just like you
i could be fake
i could be stupid
you know i could be just like you...
you thought you were standing beside me
you were only in my way
your wrong if you think that i'll be just like you
you thought you were there to guide me
you were only in my way
your wrong if you think that i'll be just like you...
**
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unleash your mexican from inside
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| bla bla bla... |
[17 Aug 2004|09:50pm] |
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wish i was listenin to new found glory... |
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ay yi yi im sooo tired! i woke up at the oh so early 1100 am today lol.
im watching big brother 5 right now. its starting to get dramatic and funny their makin fun of eachother and stuff lol.
i slept over mandas dad's last nite which was fun. we went to clemington park today which was also fun
I LOVE YOU RACHEL MY WONDERFUL MEXICANO! i wish u could move to woodbury...but when u get to ur house u wont be too far which is good. i really hope that plan pulls thru...
I DIDNT GO TO THE TSUNAMI BOMB SHOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! yeah im more than disappointed about that....*big sighs*
hmm nothing else to say unless its a complaint or self pity stuff.....
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2 comments| unleash your mexican from inside
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| oh ok |
[15 Aug 2004|07:50pm] |
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take me out! by franz ferdinand |
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so it turns out my thing did update, i didnt need ur prayers anyway!!! hahaha
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unleash your mexican from inside
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| but if i built u a city, would u let me? would u tear it down? |
[14 Aug 2004|12:31am] |
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down by something corporate |
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ok this is my second attempt at updating my journal in the past 24 hours since my first attempt failed so lend me your prayers for a little while... syke j/p lol
anyways...on monday i guess it was, was when the whole persons 1 2 and 3 ordeal happened....so on tuesday alishia came over and she needed some things at this place so we went there and i soon discovered that i had caught person 1 in at least 1 lie!!!! muahahaha! whos the best? thats right i am! j/k j/k but yeah person 1 deffinitely lied about at least one thing..probably about everything but i have no proof of that just proof they lied once. which i still dont understand coz i dont even know them so why do they gotta lie to me? thats fucked up. its things like that that remind me just how much i hate ppl these days...
so then on wednesday i went to my orthodontist and i cant remember what else i did and then on thursday alishia came over and we went to robins house and i got to see baby josh for a second time. hes too cute. the first time i saw him he hated me. he wouldnt lemme hold him or nothin and then yesterday i was the only person he would go to lol. i felt so bad coz when i was leaving he started crying i felt so bad :( lol
and today tiffers and me went to the mall and the movies. we saw collateral. it was good. it was funny as hell. then again tho i found dawn of the dead the funniest shit too...i remember i went and saw it the day it came out and there was all these ppl there and ppl were like screaming and i remember i was cracking up. i think i was the only person in the theater laughing but i couldnt help that it was too funny. i guess thats my sick humor...o well but yeah collateral was funny and u should go see it
OMG RACHEL HAS THE GREATEST BACKGROUND EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!! it has doritos!!!!! now how can i get any better than that? it cant!!
um...im listening to my north cd from something corporate. thats where i got the whole subject title thingy lol. i have the biggest crush on andrew mcmahon their singer/piano player lol. i cant help that tho hes gorgeous. **** looks just like him too! its so scary sometimes lol. but not that thats a bad thing or anything coz their both gorgeous so its alright lol
ok im done babling on about my week im gonna get out of here
**but i hear sound echo in the emptiness
all around but u cant change this loneliness
look what u found
i've fallen down...**
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unleash your mexican from inside
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| but just take a look at this....! |
[13 Aug 2004|12:43am] |
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lover i dont have to love by bright eyes |
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well the whole thingy with the person 1 2 and 3 thing happened all on monday i think...so on tuesday alishia came over and we went to our place-place and i soon discovered i had caught person 1 in at least 1 lie!! haha whos good?! j/p but yeah i knew it couldnt have all been true there was just no way...i actually think that none of it was true but she insisted it was or is or w/e. thats fucked up. this like old lady i dont even know is tryin to lie to me! what reasoning does she have behind it?!?!?!?! i dont understand. she cant just lie to me like shes somebody coz thats not right. that old bag....
TSUNAMI BOMB SUNDAY!!!!!! i better be going shit....i will be an unhappy person forever if i dont go. i need to find out how im gonna get to philly...
hmm..i was talking to steve...but he just signed off. he didnt even say bye!! *tear* that wasnt very nice
alishia came over today and we walked around and we went to robins and we saw robin and tasha and the baby josh. josh likes me now yey!!! the first time i saw him he hated me he wouldnt let me hold him or nothing lol. next time i see him he will probably hate me again lol. it was funny coz i was holding him and he wouldnt go to anyone but me and when i was leaving he started crying i felt soo bad!! lol
my mom went food shopping and she didnt buy me doritos rachel!!!!!!!! im so insulted!! how could she do this to me? but i mean she did buy hot pockets so at least theres one good thing rite? lol.
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unleash your mexican from inside
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| i dont think i like this... |
[10 Aug 2004|12:30am] |
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the horrible silence of me and my shattering pride... |
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well i went to my allergist appointment today and my mom woke me up at 1030 for that!! god thats too early...and then she bought me mc donalds coz all the sudden i had the biggest craving for chicken but u can never have enough chicken!! preach that lol. and then i came home layed around then went outside with kerin and at some point during those 6 hours we were out we chilled with shanay taja and other ppl and ppl.
but like always my days are never good so with everything alright that happens during my days theres always something bad to back it up....
i heard some unpleasent things from a somewhat unpleasent person today. i will now refer to ppl as person 1 person 2 and person 3 so things dont get too complicated....now as much as i could possibly believe this really bad truth from person 1, i cant seem to let myself do so. it really just doesnt make any sense to me. this person (person 1) has no reason to lie to me but the things they said just sounded so outrageous. me being the person i am i know i these days u cant ever really trust anyone..especially someone u dont know. if what im hearing is in fact true well then its a fucking shame coz that person (person 3) is a HOT MESS no wait they r a MOTHERFUCKIN HOT MESS!!! i dont think i cant stress that enough. i dont want to be involved with this person (person 2) if what i heard is true coz thats sooo nasty. it is degrading and thats horrible. if person 2 doesnt mind being a degration to their generation well then more power to them but it really is a got damn shame coz they can do sooo much better than that (keyword THAT refering to person 2). HAHAHAHA im so mean but o well get over it
maybee person 1 made person 2 get somewhat involved may i say with person 3 as a whole 'if u dont then i will fire u and u will be jobless' but this is only what i want to be true. i want to think thats the way its going down but it probably isnt going down like that at all.
everytime i play it over in my mind it becomes more and more gut wrenching. damn im gonna get sick to my stomach at this rate....
its just too gross...i know that im not a great person inside or out but holy hell if u stoop that low (to person 3) i question whether i could ever truely respect u as a person (person 2)
so now all i can do is wonder...do i even care if person 2 is degrading themselves? and what makes person 3 better than me? this better not be some sick joke coz if so im not laughing. i swear im about to choke. this world makes me soo fucking sick i cant stand it anymore.....
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1 comment| unleash your mexican from inside
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| hmmm.... |
[09 Aug 2004|12:39am] |
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take the reins by tsunami bomb |
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syd's surprise party was fun and i got to see my mommy (chris)!!!!!!!!! so that was kool. i cant wait for my birthday!! omg its gonna be soooo great altho i have no klu yet what im doin but thats ok coz i gots time.
trying to get over the fact that i missed the second best concert (warped tour coz tsunami bomb in philly will be the BEST concert this year!!!!) of this year is going to be so much harder then it sounds.. waiting a whole year for it to come around next year isnt gonna be fun. i wish i could of went...yeah im more than happy shelley took me to six flags it was really great i just feel like i missed out on alot and everytime i see someones info or something sayin how wapred tour kicked ass and all this other shit it makes me so mad..possibly extremely jealous. i wish it would of rained so hard so that it could of been post poned and then maybee i could of had a better chance of going...thats kinda mean of me to say but oh well im not a nice person get over it...
OMG I JUST REALIZED I MISSED THE MICHAEL JACKSON MOVIE THAT WAS ON TONITE!!!!!!!!!!!!! man this sux. how come everything i seem to look forward to never works out? thats why i stopped counting on people coz i learned that when u count on no1, no1 will let u down. so thats makes things much easier. but even tho i've learned not to count on things and not to look forward to anything and not to ever expect things from anyone..i still seem to get let down..
i get let down too much...
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1 comment| unleash your mexican from inside
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| oh nooo!!!! *big sigh* |
[06 Aug 2004|12:00am] |
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this horrible silence shakes me... |
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well i know you all just adore my new journal! well ok its not new but it may as well be, it had an exteme makeover!! HAHAHAHA lol yes rachel has done a marvelous job on my journal i cant except any of the credit in any of this coz i didnt do a damn thing. THANK YOU SOOOO MUCH RACHEL!!!! yeah i cant thank her enough. i have robert smith the man im in love with on my background!! how kool is that? lol
well onto my next point rachel isnt moving to woodbury now!!!!!!!!!!! this really sux ass cheeks man :'( im praying that a miracle will come along and save us from this misery (or at least my misery since i dont know if rachel is as upset as i am). *lets out big sigh* god help me
i cant go to warped tour now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! omg i cant fucking believe it. i had my hopes up for over 6 straight months. i really thought i was gonna go..in fact i knew i was gonna go..but then other shit came along and my mom says no u gotta watch the dog and you messed this up for urself and bullshit bullshit bullshit!!!!!!
omg im so depressed right now im gonna end up getting pissed. god i dont want to be pissed...i dont want to be depressed either....god damnit shit fuck hfseuigweri;vgruo;q
sorry im really stressed pay me no mind.....
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1 comment| unleash your mexican from inside
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| waaaay too tired... |
[24 Jul 2004|01:21am] |
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asthenia by blink 182 |
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well as if things couldnt get any worse...so yeah um my life sucks and then tuesday i got grounded which has now made my life suck more. what could be worse then getting grounded in the summer? i really dont know. i cant be grounded that long i just cant. staying in the house during summer is already taking its toll on me and its been...3 days?? so yeah i got grounded. for what..? well im keeping that on the d/l coz if anybody else ?s me i mite end up punching them in the face. we'll just say me n ppl were doing some straight ganster stuff lol. but it was. oh god i have no klue how long im in for. im really hoping its not that long coz i NEED to go to warped tour and tsunami bomb in august and im not beat for missing them. i've never been grounded during summer. its unheard of. i dont get it. how could i have been so dumb? none of this really makes sense. like yeah i know i deserve to be grounded but im not sorry for what i did. its all just 1 complicated mess. thats all my life is..just one big complicated mess. damn if nething else goes wrong im gonna break...
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unleash your mexican from inside
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| well fuck you..fuck you in the asshole |
[05 Jul 2004|01:46am] |
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wish i was listening to the cure... |
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i was almost about to have a good day *surprise surprise* but then ppl had to come and fuck shit up. i hate ppl. they can go to hell. i got family members up my ass about shit that they really need to get off of and i got friends accusing me of shit i aint do. then i told them the truth of how i didnt do wut i was accused of coz i didnt and then they dont wanna believe me. well hey if they dont wanna believe me fuck them too. i cant force anyone to believe nething nor will i try to. they wanna sit there n say ok like they believe me when they really dont which is fucked up but w/e. i just wanna give them a big thanks for making my day sooo much better *sarcasm*!!! ur such a fucking wonderful person. keep being urself u'll go far in life, stepping all over ppl so u can get ur way. and to my family..oh yeah u guys are just the best *more sarcasm*. i love how drunken idiots can come at me with bullshit and attitude n then when i get the attitude all the sudden theres a problem.
thanks to all the assholes out there who just keep pushing me closer n closer to my edge i want u guys to kno i apprieciate it *ends with sarcastic remarks*......
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1 comment| unleash your mexican from inside
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| well fuck you..fuck you in the asshole |
[05 Jul 2004|01:46am] |
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wish i was listening to the cure... |
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i was almost about to have a good day *surprise surprise* but then ppl had to come and fuck shit up. i hate ppl. they can go to hell. i got family members up my ass about shit that they really need to get off of and i got friends accusing me of shit i aint do. then i told them the truth of how i didnt do wut i was accused of coz i didnt and then they dont wanna believe me. well hey if they dont wanna believe me fuck them too. i cant force anyone to believe nething nor will i try to. they wanna sit there n say ok like they believe me when they really dont which is fucked up but w/e. i just wanna give them a big thanks for making my day sooo much better *sarcasm*!!! ur such a fucking wonderful person. keep being urself u'll go far in life, stepping all over ppl so u can get ur way. and to my family..oh yeah u guys are just the best *more sarcasm*. i love how drunken idiots can come at me with bullshit and attitude n then when i get the attitude all the sudden theres a problem.
thanks to all the assholes out there who just keep pushing me closer n closer to my edge i want u guys to kno i apprieciate it *ends with sarcastic remarks*......
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unleash your mexican from inside
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