||annoyed with me life, suicidal
||no doubt- spiderweb.
i feel as though my raft is stuck in the middle of the atlantic. honestly, nothing is working. i honestly have problems that i can not handle anymore. im thinking about sitting down with my parents and just telling them everything and explain to them that i am willing to do anything. in a way, i want to be sent away. maybe it would help. i dont know, i just know that this isn't working anymore. i have marks all over my body. everywhere but my lower arms and from the neck up basically... and the pain in my stomach. i just can't even take it. every single time i see something anywhere near sharp, what comes to mind? any time i see food, or am told that i must eat, what comes to mind? every single time i get seriously hurt by someone, what comes to mind?
yesterday was jake and i's third month. well, friday. we had been planing to do something on saturday basically the whole week. so, i call him at about 10 to see what the plan was and he's like 'would you care if i went to phils'. and of coarse, i say no, because thats just how i am. meanwhile, this is tearing me apart inside. this is the third time he has done this to me. but no one understands. everyone is always telling me to break up with him, but they just dont understand...
my family, i swear the only reason i put up with them is to see joseph. every single time i'm around them it's like i am nothing. i dont know, just the way they talk to me, like they're already expecting anything coming out of my mouth to be something even worse then what i did the last time. i mean, dont get me wrong, i love them to death, but sometimes i just cant take it. and then theres the fam that doesnt even bother coming around. i havent seen my pap since last september because of his stupid, idiotic girlfriend. and then, my dads side of the family i only see on major holidays. they even forget my birthday. they dont even care that i exist.
my jake-a-poo is the shit. hes one of the most greatest people i am ever going to know. he makes me feel like i have a reason to be alive... tonight, i went to my uncles house to watch these really old films. they were on like slide show/film strip type deals. films of my mom and uncle howard and joe and aunt brenda and pap and my grams that i never got to know. that i never got to have in my life... it was so depressing. and im sitting in this room full of my close fam, and i dont even feel wanted. but then, jake sat with me, and he knew exactly how i was feeling and he let me lay on him and he was there for me. he cared, and he really did help. i love him to death.
its so funny when people ask me why i have no faith in myself, why i think so poorly of myself. maybe because all the people that i would've liked to have been able to look up to, i can't. the people that i love and care about have no confidence in me, so why should i have confidence in myself?
right now, im sitting here all alone. its 4:30 in the am and im sitting here crying my eyes out. my entire body stings every time i move... and theres no one here. no one even knows that i sit here and do this every single night. its not like i can sleep. the stress just eats away at my soul. pretty soon, i'll have nothing left.
the one thing that i have had so much passion for, for such a long time, i am losing. im finding mself not even wanting to play music or write any music. i have no inspiration, no reason, to be good at anything...
i just wish people could understand. they always look down on me. im the kid that walks through halls with the look of depression on her face and everyone thinks i do it for attention. they don't understand why i am the way i am. and i just wish so badly that they could. i mean, i honestly dont care what people think about me, its just starting to bother me how people that i dont even know or give a shit about, are telling people stories about me and stuff. i dont know... im just so friggin confused. and i have no one to go so ill just type to my journal and act like its helping...