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.x. MaY .x.

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ohhhh ive had it up to here. the moment that i step outside so many reasons for me to run and hide. [16 Mar 2003|12:04pm]
[ mood | alone. ]
[ music | no doubt. ]

Write your favorite song by each artist, or whatever comes to mind first. Then, add your favorite band(s) the bottom of the list.

112 – what?
3 Doors Down - that one song that makes me cry.
98 Degrees – that one video that has sckreetch from saved by the bell in it!!
Aaliyah – the plane crash deal.
Adema – The way you like it.
Alan Jackson – no.
Ashanti – no.
Avril Lavigne – "skater punks" dont wear ties, buisness men do ya fuckin dumbass. YOURE NOT ORIGINAL AND YOURE NOT PUNK!
Backstreet Boys – aj's a drug addict.
Bad Religon- chyea dude.
Blink 182 – dammit.
Britney Spears – *caugh* whore *caugh, caugh*
Bush – anthony....?
Camron – what?
Christina Aguilera – she was just on saturday night live.
Creed – one.
Dave Matthews Band - excuse me while i friggin puke. i want to rip out that guys voice box and stick it up his bum hole.
Dixie Chicks – in that one video, the chick that hasnt been pregnant yet (?) has long hair but then she walks through the red door and it magically becomes short. its weird.
Dru Hill - riiiiiiight.
Eagle Eye Cherry - um...
Eminem - i like his tatoo but thats about it.
Eve - eve 6, yes. eve, no.
Faith Hill – breathe.
Fat Joe - is really fat.
Finch- w00t w00t, they kick.
Fuel - gasoline.
Garth Brooks - friends in low places, tehe.
Get up Kids - chyea dude.
Good Charlotte – there are more then two people in the friggin band ya retards. that pisses me off...
Hoobastank - x-fest last year, friggin rained the ENTIRE day.
Incubus – whats that one song... crap. theres like this chick in it and she goes to all these places and screams and they stare at her like shes crazy. and then everyone disappears. CRAP! SOMEONE TELL ME WHAT THIS SONG IS CALLED! thats gunna bug me...
Ja Rule- no comment
Jagged Edge - no comment.
Jessica Simpson – i watched that thing on mtv where they redid a room in her house and made it like a friggin movie theater. it was rad.
Jewel - old school.
John Mayer – OMG! he sings like he has a pile of shit in his mouth. ooo, it gives me chills. it makes me get all evil-ish inside. not cool, not cool at all.
KC & JoJo - um... ill pass.
Kelly Osbourne – "papa dont preach, the only friggin reason im on this stage is because you're the shit. i know i cant sing and i know i look like shit, but oh yes, my dad has the big bucks and i got the fame and you dont!"
Kelly Clarkson - she seems like a bitch...?
Korn - life is peachy.
Leann Rimes - back in the day.
LFO - haha, what the fruit cake?
Linkin Park - w00t w00t.
Ludacris – hah, that area codes song. is that ludacris?
Madonna - beautiful stranger.
Mandy Moore – grr, she really pushes my buttons.
Marilyn Manson - is my sexy beast. lol, allan.
Michelle Branch – that one song that goes, "if you want to, i can save you, i cant take u away from here" or something. ooooo, that gets on my nerves.
N.E.R.D – hah.
Nelly – "im cool cause i wear a friggin band aid on my face!"
NOFX – YUM! theres so much to say, god they've dont a lot havent they.
Nsync – i used to be mad obsessed. like, im talking OBSESSIVE to the core.
O-Town - jacob is the shit.
Orgy - ORGY ALSO ROCKS MY WORLD! i friggin love em. and theyre dead sexy.
Outkast - is that the one with real funny song. shit, how does it go...
Papa Roach – between angels and insects, the pepsi blue comerical.
Pink - i watch a thing on vh1 about her. her life wasnt chaotic or anything...
Puddle Of Mudd – erm...
Queen - prince...?
Reba McEntire – um... isnt she on the little rascals movie? no wait, i dont know if thats her or not...
Red Hot Chili Peppers – dont really like them.
Shakira - she looks all trnedy in that one video lol.
Sublime - way too much comes to mind when i think of sublime. they remind me of a lot of people like anthony and greg. heh, thats funny.
Sum41 – that one guy is hot.
Taproot - IS THE SHIT. their music is friggin awesome, i cant even put it into words.
Tim McGraw – riiiiiight. isnt he married to faith..?
Trust Company - is gunna be at ozzfest. i do believe.
Tupac - right.
Usher – hes dating the chick from tlc.
Uncle Kracker - my moms obsessed with him.
Vanessa Carlton - is she the chick with the piano?
Violent Femmes - hmph....
Xscape - ...yea.
Xzibit - jeez....
Ying Yang Twins - what the fuck? lol

THE USED- w00t w00t, and thats all i gotta say about that.

this sorta cheered me up just a tid bit, but i slowly feel that draining out...

.x. wRite me A LetteR .x.

elizabeth: i luv u macayla... [16 Mar 2003|11:49am]
[ music | coal chamber- something told me. ]

I ____ MaY.
MaY is ____.
MaY thinks a lot about _______.
When I think of _________, I think of MaY.
If I were alone in a room with MaY, I would _______.
I think MaY should _____.
MaY needs ______.
I want to ____________ MaY.
If I could describe MaY in a word: _______.
I want MaY to __________ and ___________.
MaY has to ____________.
If ________________ was in MaY's life, he/she would ____________.
I think MaY can __________________.
MaY _________ me.

fill this out and comment it.

im really lost right now... dont quite know what to do with myself.

2 SignAtuRe s| .x. wRite me A LetteR .x.

you forgot me long ago.. [16 Mar 2003|04:21am]
[ mood | annoyed with me life, suicidal ]
[ music | no doubt- spiderweb. ]

i feel as though my raft is stuck in the middle of the atlantic. honestly, nothing is working. i honestly have problems that i can not handle anymore. im thinking about sitting down with my parents and just telling them everything and explain to them that i am willing to do anything. in a way, i want to be sent away. maybe it would help. i dont know, i just know that this isn't working anymore. i have marks all over my body. everywhere but my lower arms and from the neck up basically... and the pain in my stomach. i just can't even take it. every single time i see something anywhere near sharp, what comes to mind? any time i see food, or am told that i must eat, what comes to mind? every single time i get seriously hurt by someone, what comes to mind?

yesterday was jake and i's third month. well, friday. we had been planing to do something on saturday basically the whole week. so, i call him at about 10 to see what the plan was and he's like 'would you care if i went to phils'. and of coarse, i say no, because thats just how i am. meanwhile, this is tearing me apart inside. this is the third time he has done this to me. but no one understands. everyone is always telling me to break up with him, but they just dont understand...

my family, i swear the only reason i put up with them is to see joseph. every single time i'm around them it's like i am nothing. i dont know, just the way they talk to me, like they're already expecting anything coming out of my mouth to be something even worse then what i did the last time. i mean, dont get me wrong, i love them to death, but sometimes i just cant take it. and then theres the fam that doesnt even bother coming around. i havent seen my pap since last september because of his stupid, idiotic girlfriend. and then, my dads side of the family i only see on major holidays. they even forget my birthday. they dont even care that i exist.

my jake-a-poo is the shit. hes one of the most greatest people i am ever going to know. he makes me feel like i have a reason to be alive... tonight, i went to my uncles house to watch these really old films. they were on like slide show/film strip type deals. films of my mom and uncle howard and joe and aunt brenda and pap and my grams that i never got to know. that i never got to have in my life... it was so depressing. and im sitting in this room full of my close fam, and i dont even feel wanted. but then, jake sat with me, and he knew exactly how i was feeling and he let me lay on him and he was there for me. he cared, and he really did help. i love him to death.

its so funny when people ask me why i have no faith in myself, why i think so poorly of myself. maybe because all the people that i would've liked to have been able to look up to, i can't. the people that i love and care about have no confidence in me, so why should i have confidence in myself?

right now, im sitting here all alone. its 4:30 in the am and im sitting here crying my eyes out. my entire body stings every time i move... and theres no one here. no one even knows that i sit here and do this every single night. its not like i can sleep. the stress just eats away at my soul. pretty soon, i'll have nothing left.

the one thing that i have had so much passion for, for such a long time, i am losing. im finding mself not even wanting to play music or write any music. i have no inspiration, no reason, to be good at anything...

i just wish people could understand. they always look down on me. im the kid that walks through halls with the look of depression on her face and everyone thinks i do it for attention. they don't understand why i am the way i am. and i just wish so badly that they could. i mean, i honestly dont care what people think about me, its just starting to bother me how people that i dont even know or give a shit about, are telling people stories about me and stuff. i dont know... im just so friggin confused. and i have no one to go so ill just type to my journal and act like its helping...

2 SignAtuRe s| .x. wRite me A LetteR .x.

just to let you friggin people know. [14 Mar 2003|04:24pm]
[ mood | pissed off ]
[ music | social distortion. ]

for starters, just because someone has certain problems such as an eating disorder does not make them "phsyco" and shit. maybe if you took the time to look into their lives and see why they do the things they do you would understand. but seeing as to how most of you are stupid you probably wont understand.

and just let you know, aubrey doesnt have to do anything to fit in with me. she is me. from the first time i met her, BEFORE SHE KNEW ME, i knew she was awesome ok. she doesnt copy off of me. she is her own person. shes BEAUTIFUL and strong and i love her TO DEATH!

AND, the next time anyone even tries to do shit to my boyfriend i swear to GOD i will beat your head into the ground and it will not be fun. and if you think im kidding, i dare you to try again.

people think they can mess with me, and ill just keep forgiving them because "thats the type of person i am" yea, well for those of you who think that, you better think again, cuz ive changed. too many people have fucked with me and im sick of it.

and i do update matt, you just cant see it cuz most of my entries are gunna be friends only so make a journal and such and you can read them.

3 SignAtuRe s| .x. wRite me A LetteR .x.

[12 Mar 2003|07:21pm]
[ mood | frustrated ]

(When this began)
I had nothing to say
And I get lost in the nothingness inside of me
(I was confused)
And I live it all out to find
That I’m not the only person with these things in mind
(Inside of me)
But all that they can see the words revealed
Is the only real thing that I’ve got left to feel
(Nothing to lose)
Just stuck, hollow and alone
And the fault is my own, and the fault is my own

I wanna heal, I wanna feel what I thought was never real
I wanna let go of the pain I’ve felt so long
(Erase all the pain till it’s gone)
I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I’m close to something real
I wanna find something I’ve wanted all along
Somewhere I belong

And I’ve got nothing to say
I can’t believe I didn’t fall right down on my face
(I was confused)
Looking everywhere only to find
That it’s not the way I had imagined it all in my mind
(So what am I)
What do I have but negativity
’Cause I can’t trust to find the way, everyone is looking at me
(Nothing to lose)
Nothing to gain, hollow and alone
And the fault is my own, and the fault is my own

I will never know myself until I do this on my own
And I will never feel anything else until my wounds are healed
I will never be anything till I break away from me
I will break away and find myself today

I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I’m somewhere I belong
I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I’m somewhere I belong
Somewhere I belong

.x. wRite me A LetteR .x.

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