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mood |
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John Lennon-Imagine |
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Hey Journal. I can't sleep, and I realized I didn't write in my journal and update you on my oh so interesting life. A lot of things have happend and I have a lot to say. So here it goes.
I finally talked to Evan. Incase you don't know who Evan is, or if I didn't mention him;Evan is this guy that I am like..crazy about. Evan is 16, he's in my Math class. I've liked him since last year. But I didn't like him this much last year. It took me 3 days to get up the nerve to say something to him. My friend Mandee told me he liked me, but I wanted to find out for myself. Evan is EXTREMELY shy, so it was up to me to do all the talking. I went up to him and asked him if he liked me, he got embarressed and shy and said "I don't know" and then I said a few things and he admited that he liked me and that I was "cute". I was so happy after that. Now, all I have to do is get Evan to be..atleast a little un-shy around me. Get us to call eachother, hang out. Then if all goes well, go out.
As for everything with Tom. I truely hate him. I just can't get over how incredibly bad he fucked me over. Matt went to his mom's boyfriend for Thanksgiving, and he came here until dinner time. I didn't want Tom to come so I told Matt to say something, and he did. He told Tom that if he came to my house, that i'd beat the shit out of him. It was true, I did say that. So Matt was leaving today, and I was walking to the front door with Matt, and I was laughing about something. I get into my living room and I look up; and Tom Gray is standing in my fucking living room. I was about to KILL him. My family got scared because the look I gave him looked like I was going to rip him apart. I hate him so much!
My daddy came home today, I am grounded. Oh well, I don't really mind, because now I can really concentrate on my school-work. Which I really want to do. I want to show my parents that I'm not a complete dumbass. I think I just might be grounded until progress reports come out, which is cool. Because it isn't that long from now. I wouldn't want to go out now, because i'm sick. My stomach hurts, I feel like i'm going to throw up, my nose is stuffy and all, and my throat hurts. I told Luke..he told me to drink cat piss..haha. He's so stupid. But I love him.
Speaking of Luke..me and him kinda..drifted apart lately. As well as me and some other people. I miss Luke. We're gotten into a lot of fights lately. I hate that me and him aren't as close as we used to be. I miss me and him being stupid, and switching clothes; and making forts on my tredmill. And him pretending i'm his mom and saying "mommy and daddy have the same mommy and daddy..". I miss my hunny bunny. Hunny Bunny, where did you go? Where's my bestfriend? Where's that loser that I hid in a shed with for 3 hours?
Not only have I drifted away from Luke, but Tyler,Johnny,Louie, and a few others who had a big part in my life. It sucks when you drift apart from people that really mean something to you. Me and Johnny talk every once in a while, but not as much as we used to. I actually talked to Tyler today, he's with Liz. I'm glad. They're both happy. I wish me and Tyler we're like we used to be. He's the only one of my ex-boyfriends that actually stayed good friends with me. He was there for so much, I got arrested when I was with the kid! Did he go and talk shit on me for it? Nope. I love his parents and his little sister. Me and Tyler have so many memories. I miss you Ty!
I just recently started talking to Paulina and Liz a lot. I love both of them. As soon as I'm ungrounded i'm hanging out with both of them. Me and Paulina plan to have an "80's party" since she's obsessed with the 80's. We all have to dress like we're from the 80's. Me and Liz have a lot in common, i'm not really sure about me and Paulina but we ger a long really good.
*sighs* The holidays are here. Finally. At the moment I'm not that excited. I'm hoping i'll be with Evan by Christmas. I'm getting a bass for Christmas. I love playing guitar, bass. It's soo...relieving. Ever since my cousin Ryan taught me how to play, i've been in love with the guitar.
I've been thinking a lot lately. And Johnny was right. Its IS my fault that my life is shit. I'm the one who got bad grades and got grounded. It's not just my parents being gay. My parents are rude to me because i'm rude with them. I always end up fucking myself over because I don't think things out before I do them. Today, When I walked in and saw Tom's gorgeous face and his pale blue eyes glistening in the sun, I felt as if I we're under a waterfall. When I saw him, all the "love" that I had for hom came tumbling down, but at the same time, all the hate and jelousy I had came down too. I felt weak and I felt like I was going to fall.
I've realized life is like building blocks. You know, the ones your parents give you when your like, 3. You try to make them stand as high as possible, not knowing that eventually they'll fall because of too much weight. Yes, thats what life is like. "What gpes up, must come down". Thats so true. You spend so much time trying to make things perfect and make things right, and you finally do, and just when you think you have it, it all comes tumbling down. Yes, Life IS like building blocks.
Not only do I feel as if i'm drifting apart from friends and family, I feel like i'm drifting away from the world. I feel like, i'm not here. I feel like, while world is spinning fast as hell, i'm standing there and its going right through me. If that even makes sense. I don't know. I want to make things better for myself, I don't want to lose myself.
Love Always,
Nicole
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