Blurty for Erika.

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Tuesday, July 20th, 2004

Subject:.oO(SO F'N BORED!)Oo.
Time:2:34 am.
I feel so pathetic. I want someone interesting and fun to talk to.. my AIM is: xxSchoneleichexx and my yahoo is:XxSchone_LeichexX.. somebuddy entertain me, PLEASE! (-_-)
Comments: Add Your Own.

Monday, July 19th, 2004

Subject:.oO(YAY! HEATHER!!)Oo.
Time:6:16 pm.
Mood: excited.
Music:HIM.. scrumptious Ville Valo...
i'm so happy! My bestestestest friend in the whole wide world is in town until the 18th of August! Yippeeeeee! I'm so happy!!! YAY! WA-HAHAHAAAAA!!!
I cant wait to spend all of my time with her!! heehee! Ok, i'm a dumb ass I know.
Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.

Sunday, July 18th, 2004

Subject:.oO(happy birthday baby)Oo.
Time:11:53 pm.
Mood: sleepy.
Music:George Michael: I want your sex.
Today was John's birthday. We slept in pretty much all day. It was *super duper* sleeping with his arms wrapped around me all nite. I'm so glad I got to spend my whole weekend with him. I am, howver, sad it's over.
Anyway, like I said, today was john's birthday. We went out with his friends Alan and Maggie. I honestly thought before today, that maggie was a total bitch and that alan hated me. (-_-)... but, after tonite, i actually found that Maggie is actually really nice, just kinda odd, and Alan is OK. I dunno.. I really dont have much else to say except that I already really miss john, and I'm scared that i'm not going to be able to see him for another week. I dont have much else to say.. so, i'm gonna go finish my peanut butter sammich. (^_^)
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Friday, July 16th, 2004

Time:4:32 pm.
Mood: blah.
Music:None: my winamp wont work :(.
Uhg, lastnight after going to bed early and trying to save my brain from these awful sleeping patterns, i woke up after only having 6 hours of sleep..this being around 2 am. I couldn't get back to sleep until around 6:30. GRRR! My body hates me!
Tomorrow is Johns birthday and I have no idea what we're going to do. Sometimes, I really dont understand him. I mean, maybe I'm just a big kid or something, but I'm always excited about my birthday, no matter how shitty life is treating me. He doesn't really seem to care, and it kinda confuzzles me.
I dont remember when the last time I saw him was, i'm thinking it was last sunday. It amazes me that I haven't been bitching and crying about how much i miss him. Dont get me wrong, I do really miss him.. but, i think i'm learning to better cope with the situation.
I wish I could get ahold of John. I have no idea what the fuck he's doing. Maybe he went into work today. I dont know how the hell he got there, but maybe he did.
I have to go kill some little kids, they cut the legs off of a pair of my pants to make cut off shorts. FUCKING BRATS!
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Thursday, July 15th, 2004

Subject:YAY for ME!!
Time:6:34 pm.
Mood: ecstatic.
*sigh of relief* I just took a pregnancy test.... and I'M NOT PREGNANT! YAY!!!!!! I dont think I've ever been this happy in my life to find out that I'm not something!.. I tried to call john and tell him, but apparently he's asleep. :(.. Oh, well.. i just wanted to share the SUPER GOOD new!
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Subject:I cant ruin my life.
Time:2:00 pm.
Mood: scared.
Music:Marilyn Manson: AntiChrist Super Star.
I woke up again this morning feeling sick, around 5 am.. this is like the 7th time i've done this. I'm sick of it. I'm really worried though, because I told my mom about it and immediately, she asked "Are you Pregnant??".. I really hadn't thought of that at all, but it makes sense. I'm scared. If I am, I'm having an abortion, though. There is no way possible I'm going to ruin my life and have a kid.
It makes sense that I would be pregnant, because I havent had a regular period in about 2 months. I'm so scared. I dont want this to happen to me. I mean, I'm on birth control, and I take it like I'm supposed to. I dont understand any of this. I really hope I'm not.
My mom is bringing me home a pregnancy test, so I guess I'll know soon enough. If I am I am going to be so fucked up. I dont want to have to go through all of this bullshit. DAMNI! I've already cried enough today for an entire month, and i think I can no longer physically cry, at least for today
Like all girls my age, I really dont want this to be happening to me. I'm so fucking scared. If my dad finds out, I'm dead. i can't do this.
I dont know what to do.
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Wednesday, July 14th, 2004

Subject:Pill Popper.
Time:5:27 pm.
Mood: worried.
Music:The Cranberries: No Need To Argue.
Ahh, it feels so much better to be back into my moms cramped, hot, little house. ^_^ My visit with my dad actually wasn't that bad. I kinda enjoyed myself, believe it or not. Tuesday night, right after my dad picked me up we went to a going away party for all of the people he is going to Nicaragua with for a mission trip. He leaves tomorrow, and will be gone for 10 days. Even though I absolutely hate church people, usually, it was ok. I think it was because i just didn't think about it at all. Actually, I think that's the only reason why I somewhat enjoyed myself, the entire time i had a total "i dont give a shit" attitude.
I couldn't sleep at all lastnight, literally. I'm really tired of all of this manic shit. Part of me wishes i would just hurry the fuck up and get to the depressed part.. atleast then i can sleep, and not give a shit about anything.. it's a lot easier to be depressed than it is to be manic.
Anyway, I went to the psychiatrist today.. fun fun.. He changed my meds.. he decided that my manic stages have become serious enough to medicate now. woo hoo.. now i'm on a SHIT LOAD of pills!! yee fuckin haw!.. i really dont think he should give me all of these medications. Lately, I've noticed that if something doesnt feel right, or isn't going my way i start popping whatever i think'll make me feel better. I never really thought I would become a self medicator, but,... *dun, dun, dun!*.. i think I am.
In all seriousness though, I'm not sure what to do. I cant stop taking my meds or i get crazy, and i've kinda gotten to the point where i fein for them.. that makes me sad. I'm addicted. I was so afraid of this happening when i first started this shit back in 7th grade.
I really dont know what to do.. I'm going to see how long i can go without self medicating. A little self-experiment, if you will, Am i truely a fein?
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Tuesday, July 13th, 2004

Subject:icky vicky
Time:4:52 pm.
Mood: nervous.
Music:SugarCult: Wrap me up in plastic.
My dad is supposed to pick me up in less than 10 minutes, and it is finally starting to sink in that I am going to be stuck in a house with my step-mother for almost 24 hours... and to make things even worse, it's her fucking birthday today.. that means, because i *try* to be a nice person, I have to be nice to her.. or atleast, somewhat speak to her.
Tomorrow, I go to see my psychiatrist, with my dad. I always hate going, but tomorrow i'm especially not looking forward to it. I think I might tell my psychiatrist that i'm not moving back in with my dad when school starts back up, that i'm staying with my mom. I know I'm going to do this, I AM staying here at my moms house, but I have no idea how to tell my dad. I know it's really going to hurt him, and that's the last thing i want to do. I know he's going to take it personally, and he isn't the reason i am leaving, i'm leaving because of his fucked up in the head wife, with bad hair. She ruins me when i'm around her, and I think it's best for me, mentally, not to be around her. I still want to see my dad after I move out officially, but i really dont want to see her. I also want to be able to see my little sister, but I know she wont let me see her, if she isn't around. I'm kinda afraid my dad is going to just cut me off completely when i leave. I guess I'll just have to deal with it when it happens.
He should be here any minute now, so i'm going to go.
Wish me luck!!
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Subject:I, the selfish creature.
Time:5:13 am.
Mood: awake.
Music:Radiohead: Pablo Honey.
*BLAH!* here is it 5 am, and i'm already awake. I felt like shit all day yesterday, so i went to bed early, around 9.. and of course, as soon as i got 7 hours of sleep I was WIDE awake. I fucking hate mental alarm clocks. I wish I could just sleep, like a normal person. Crazy fucking brain!
Ick. Today is going to be hot as hell, just like yesterday. Maybe I should just sleep it all away. It's not like I'm going to miss out on anything, anyway. Today was a bad day for John, and I feel so bad for him. Some asshole cut him off, and to avoid hitting the guys car, John swurved, and ended up with two flat tires and bent axles, meaning he no longer has a mode of transportation.
I really feel awful for feeling this way, but immediately, the first thing i thought when he told me, was "GREAT.. now we wont be able to see eachother hardly at all!" I know that him getting to and from work is an even bigger issue, and i should worry about things like that.. but, how can i? Im human, and humans and selfish creatures. I mean, i know we're going to be able to see eachother, he hasn't really had the truck for the past two weeks anyway, and we've still seen eachother.. but, now i feel like it's going to be even harder.
I really do feel like, somehow, everything is working against us. I feel like the entire fucking world is trying to tear us apart... and just because he doesn't feel that way, it makes me feel like he doesn't really care. i know that's not the case at all. Finally, in our relationship there is nothing that i doubt, finally i feel i can truly trust someone, and that's him.. but, now everything on the face of this planet is doing its damndest to keep us apart.
I know, I should be more grateful. I do have an awesome relationship. Not only do i feel like he's my entire love, but also my bestfriend. We're comfortable with eachother, and we like eachothers company, even if it means we're not talking, just sitting on the couch together reading, or what ever it may be... i just wish I could be with him all the time. Every fucking moment. Maybe, i'm being obsessive. Most likely. (haha, he's moving in, in 4 days or so!!)

UHG.. today is the 13th. I have to go to my dads this evening, and stay the night. I'm really not looking forward to it. I'm not getting all shaky and nausiated thinking about it though, like i was earlier in the week. I guess I'm just going to stick it out, and avoid conversation as much as possible with my evil step mother.

HOLEY FUCKIN SHIT!!! I just realized john's birthday is in four days..I have to get him a present.. oh no! I dont know what to get him!!! HELLLLP!!
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Monday, July 12th, 2004

Subject:woo, 120 mg celexa!
Time:8:58 am.
Mood: high.
Music:Garbage: Version 2.0.
I'm a dumb ass, haha. I couldn't sleep and i dont want to get tired so i took 120 mg. of celexa to keep myself from going to sleep. I really dont think it's going to hurt me, it's not that much more than my regular prescription, it's just making me act kinda goofy, and wobbly. haha.
Man, today is going to such, but i feel great right now. It's gonna get up to a fucking 110 degrees, and we only fuckin have window units. I guess that's a hell of a lot better than no a/c at all though, heh? WOO.. it's gonna be a hot tamale today. hahaha.. i'm so fucked up. The weird thing is i know exactly what i'm doing and it's not really any more difficult than it is usually, but I just feel wooky. haha wooky. i'm fucked.
I'm hot! I'm really really HOT. HOTCHA MAMA. haha. I'm obviously scraping for things to talk about so, i'm gonna go find something else amusing to do while i'm in this state.
I love you guys!
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Sunday, July 11th, 2004

Subject:Drama, Drama Everywhere...
Time:9:15 pm.
Mood: aggravated.
Music:NIN: Broken.
UHG. This weekend was awesome. I ended up spending the entire thing with John. That made me really happy. We really couldnt do much though considering that his parents pretty much stole his truck, and we're both broke. But, I think we made the best of it.. plus, Lovin' dont cost much ^_-... hehe. Yeah, so my weekend, overall was grrrrreat... that is until today.
LET THE DRAMA BEGIN: Today, the Window Units at my house just weren't cutting it. It was fucking hot, and it's going to be even worse tomorrow (heat index of 110*..ICKY!!).. so John asked me to go to his parents house with him. It was awkward, but not as bad as i thought. It just kinda irritated me being there, because you could tell that his mom really didn't want me to be there. But, i guess it could have been worse.
Ok, the really annoying shit happened when i got home. I come home, get online to check my mail, and see if anyone worth yapping at is on; i dont have AIM on my computer anymore. WHAT THE FUCK?! My freakishly strange step-father deleted it AGAIN. i dont know what his deal is. Somehow, he's gotten the idea that our SBC DSL connection is fucked up (not my fault) is because of AIM on our computer.. so now, everytime i want to get on aim i have to reinstall it.. that's such bullshit. I mean, this computer is ACTUALLY mine.. John built it for ME, not them.. i'm just letting them use it because there's really no way to connect it in my SHITTY basement room, that they've decided they want to charge me rent for. I'm barely legal and they want to charge me rent! I mean what the fuck, it would be one thing if i used up all of their electricty, took 5 showers a day, and ate up all of their food.. but, I DONT! I rarely ever eat any of the food they have in the house, my room is in a part of the basement NO ONE uses, and it doesnt even have a/c! I mean, wtf! Assholes! All of them!
*BLAH!!!* I have to go to my dads in 2 days, and spend the night because i have an appointment with the shrink the 14th. I really dont want to go. Thinking about it makes me sick to my stomach, and I know Vicky (my step mom) is going to try to make me feel bad the entire time i'm there.. and my dad probably will too because the last time i talked to him i was hung over as all hell and probably not too nice. I really dont think I can deal with my little sister either, she's the only one i really miss, and they wont let me see her, unless they are around. Last time I visited she cried when I left, i felt so bad. I feel like crying because of what i've doen to her. I've left her there with *THEM*.. they're evil, and i'm so afraid that their going to treat her the way they've treated me my entire childhood. I dont know what to do. I dont want to go.
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Friday, July 9th, 2004

Subject:I'm sick of this bullshit.
Time:7:25 pm.
Mood: sad.
Ok, fucking forget it. John isn't staying the weekend with me. Something else has come up. I'm so fucking sick of this shit. I know it's not his fault, and im not mad at him at all.. I guess maybe i'm just mad at the whole fucking world for doing everything it fucking can to keep us apart. Every fucking time we make plans to do something, something else comes up. I fucking hate this shit! I'm sick of it. I'm so tired of getting my hopes stomped on. I dont understand what the fuck i ever did to diserve this shit.
I'm going to bed.
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Time:5:35 pm.
Mood: bored.
Music:Sublime: gReAtEsT hItS.
I'm bored out of my skull right now, and my damn head feels like it's going to explode. I really hope this one doesn't turn into the migraine from HeLL! Aside from all the pain i'm in i'm actually in a really *super duper* mood. John's coming over around 8 tonight, and staying!!! WOOO! Fun party time for meee!
There's absolutely positively nothing to do except sit here and listen to music, or watch tv (*ERRR* WRONG! I HATE TV!!) and it really sucks. I wish someone would call me or something.. that it someone BESIDES my mother! Holy fucking shit! she's called me like 1,000 times today. i dont know what her deal is. she's all like , "just checkin' in". What the fuck is that? Why does she need to check in 4 million times a day? I think she's going mental, even more than she already is. She's really getting on my nerves, and she needs to stop before i do something drastic like cut her tongue out. tee hehe ^_^
OK, i really need to find something constructive to do. I looked for a job yesterday, though. I mean, i think thats enough 'constructivness' for today too. Ha. i'm so lazy.
HMMM.. well, there's nothing really to bitch about. So i think i'm going to , in the words of my fellow 'wigger' human beings, *BoUnCe*.
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Subject:'Hot Pocket' is the *new* word for Vagina.
Time:5:16 am.
Mood: excited.
Music:The White Stripes : 3L3PHANT.
Yeah. Today. Today.. hmm.. what's the fuck happened today. Not a damn thing, really. John came to see me. I found out today that if his parents find out he's here he can't even use his truck to go to work. I think that's total bullshit. It kinda hurt my feelings when he told me that. HE didn't hurt my feelings, but it hurt my feelings that his parents would do that. I mean, I never did anything to them. I'm not sure if he can't come see me using the truck, or if it's that he cant go see any of his friends. Maybe I should have asked instead of feeling hurt. Why cant I think of these things when I'm actually in the middle of the situation?? I'm really sick of feeling like i'm a pain in their ass when I havent done shit to them, or their son for that matter. Maybe their just pissed because we have better sex than them, who fuckin' knows!
YAY! Today while i was crying about John's parents trying to keep us apart he told me he was going to spend the ENTIRE weekend with me! I'm really excited. It's just going to be me and him, nobody else except for out kitten. It's going to be so great, and we're going to be NAKED the whole time. ^_^ hehe. Actually, I really dont care about the naked part, i just want to be with him, sleep with him, wake up with him, shower with him, make dinner with him, talk with him, watch tv with him, EVERYTHING WITH HIM! I just cant wait until Friday night when he shows up at my front door. UHHH- looking at him through the little window on my front door is one of the best feelings in the world. Actually, the best feeling. I'm just kinda scared he's going to get into trouble for staying with me. -_-... apparently i'm worth it to him though.
I really dont know what else to say. I should probably go to sleep.

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Wednesday, July 7th, 2004

Subject:Maybe I shouldn't worry so much.
Time:11:27 pm.
Mood: anxious.
Music:Manson: Mechanical Animals.
I'm really bored right now. There's absolutely nothing to do, except for eat something that i really dont want or need, listen to stupid assholes bitch about their pathetic lifes in chat rooms, or go back to sleep. Suprisingly I am kinda tired, but i slept all day, and I dont really feel like I can lay in a vertical position anymore.. atleast not for a few more hours.
This morning John woke me up BEATING on my door. I must've been totally out. I mean, he was really beating on it hard, i thought he was going to break the damn window. After I let him in he said that he called and let the phone ring forever.. I was way out of it. I guess it's a good thing though considering I havent been able to sleep for the past four days or so. I should go to bed at a decent time tonight so i dont sleep all day tomorrow.
I feel really bad. John woke up and drove out here to see me this morning before he had to be at work... and I pratically just slept the entire time he was here. I feel so bad. I told him I was sorry, and he said that it was fine, that he just wanted to be with me, whether i was awake or not. I think I'm more mad at myself for wasting my time with him. Our time together this weeks feels so limited, and here i am sleeping on his lap, instead of talking to him and being a the girlfriend i should. I guess if it doesn't bother him, it shouldn't bother me though. I mean we were together and we were both temporarily happy being together, and that's all that matters. Maybe I shouldn't feel so bad.
I got really upset. John was supposed to come back over after his interview today, but he couldn't because his truck broke down. I wasn't mad at him.. but, at the time i seriously felt like everything was working against us. But, maybe it was for the best. I caught up on my sleep all day today. I'm just afraid the cycle is going to start all over again tonite since i slept all day today.
I'm afraid that is going to happen again to us tomorrow. it feels like everytime he and i make plans to see eachother something happens and we dont get to see eachother. I dont want to worry about it though, because i'm sick of being depressed about this. It's only a temporary thing. I need to get over it. I mean, it's not like he's ditching me. He is making an effort to see me practically everyday. I need to be more thankful, i guess is the word. I mean we do still talk to eachother everyday.. and i have seen him for the past two days in a row.
I dont really know what it is. But, it feels like the last couple times i saw John they seemed really fake. Kinda like he wasn't really there. I guess maybe too good to be true. All i know is i want him back for my own altogether.

My dad called today. *ICK*. I dont know what it is.. but, just the sound of his voice, or even the idea of talking to him makes me sick to my stomach. I think it's because i'm so afraid that he's going to force me to come back to live with him. I'm so miserable there, and i'm horrofied of going back. Atleast living here I feel like i'm living a some-what normal life. I mean sure, my mom and I argue about stuff.. but, at my dads house i was constantly at my step mothers throat or visa versa. i never want to go back there. But, i have to.. and just thinking about it makes me want to die. I can't stand it there. They're seriously my problem. i have anxiety attacks just thinking about being in that house. I feel caulstrophobic. My throat is closing up just thinking about them.
I dont wanna go back! I dont want to! Dont make me! I feel like kicking and screaming. I mean, I dont have to go their for another 6 days, but it's still too close. I know i'm going to make myself miserable until then.
UHG. When he called today he did exactly what he always does; make me feel guilty for no reason. I know I did nothing wrong, but he still made me feel awful..and then half assed accused me of being on drugs because i sounded 'out of it'.. FUCKER! YOU WOKE ME UP! what does he expect?
I wish I could just kill him.
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Subject:I hate annoying fuckers.
Time:2:41 am.
Mood: annoyed.
Music:NIN: Halo_Fourteen, right.
Today started out seeming like it was really going to suck. I didn't get to sleep until around 8 o'clock this morning..and even then it was completely forced. So, yeah I woke up around 4, because some asshole was beating on my door, AGAIN. He was some annoying ass christian trying to get me to give him money for his church, i just rolled my eyes and slammed my door in his face. Fucker, woke me up.
I got rid of 'Mr. God Loves Me' and sat down to check my email, and then I called John. I swear, not five seconds after i left him some retarded ass message like "hey baby its me, I miss you, call me when you can" (they all sound the same, i dont even see the point of leaving messages anymore, i dont think he even listens to them, i know i wouldn't) someone knocked on my door. I looked up from my desk to look out the window, and all i saw was this huge straw cowboy hat... immediately i thought "oh shit, more christians, but this times they're all honky", and then i noticed the eyes under that retarded looking hat. Those eyes were Johns.. YAY!
So, yeah, today didn't suck. It was actually pretty good. I got to see my baby. He has a job interview tomorrow and i'm excited for him. I hope he gets the job, that way he can get the hell out of his parents house even sooner.
I seriously thought today was going to be worse than yesterday. All night after i talked to john i just kept thinking about how pointless and pathetic today was going to be. I felt really awful, and it was really aggrivating. I feel pointless without john being with me, and it irritates the fuck out of me. I love him so much, but sometimes i feel like he is all there is to my life, especially now that school isn't in session. I feel like a total loser, because of that. I really think I need to get a hobby or find a job. I'm sick of existing only for John. I kinda miss school, if that makes any sense.

I dont know what the deal is today, but the entire world seems to be over flowing with outrageously annoying assholes. I swear I had atleast 5 people IM me and give me shit about my sn, schone leiche, which in Deutsch means "beautiful corpse". So fucking what! Im a morbid bitch! Leave me alone, it's not like i'm turning you raging ass fuckers into beautiful corpses. ACK! Then the asses have the nerve to call me pathetic. Who is the one that is looking up peoples sn's and iming them to start shit?.. oh, well. I love the iggy option. I swear i have like over 500 people on my ignore lists combined. I'm so sick of people judging me. I wish they would all just shoot themselves in the face and send the pictures to me.

Ok, well, i'm done ranting for now. I'm going to go back to listening to NIN and fanatsizing about Trent Reznor and John. I cant wait to fuck him until he bleeds after the interview tomorrow. ^_^ hehe.
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Tuesday, July 6th, 2004

Subject:these feelings need explaination
Time:12:35 am.
Mood: depressed.
Music:Manson: Antichrist Superstar.
I havent had any sleep for 3 days. I'm sick of everyone except for John... and I can't even see him. I'm stuck here at home, with no sleep. I have thought about cutting myself atleast 5 times alone today. I miss John so much.. even though it's only been 3 days since they last time i saw him, but 3 days is a long time when you've been living together for the past month. I'm so used to him being here all the time. I'm used to him sleeping next to me. I just want him back.
I know he didnt leave because he wanted to. He was forced to. I fucking hate his parents. I wish they would die. They're the reason why he has so many problems. They abuse him so much, verbally. I dont even think they know they do it, but they do. They've ruined his self-esteem. But, they dont see that.
John says that they're not doing all of this because of me, but I feel like they are. I feel like they are trying to keep us apart. I've always felt like they hated me, and this isn't helping at all. When John was in the hospital I worried they blammed his destructive behavior on me, and now because of all of this I really think that they do. I know none of it's my fault, but I feel like they think it is... which is just as hurtful as thinking it is my fault, if not more.
I dont understand why this is bothering me so much. This is totally between John and his over-reactive psychotic parents, it really has nothing to do with me... but, i'm taking it as a personal blow. It's so stupid, and I can see why John finds it slightly annoying... I feel like I can't stop though. I feel like i am totally involved in this, and i can't get out. I think I feel this way because I truly am afraid that they are going to split us up, as my dad and evil step-mother tried to do before. Now, i know how it feels, and i feel so awful for my family treating him the way they do.
Because of this situation, I don't know when the next time i'm going to be able to see John. I hate not knowing when the next time i'll see him will be. I hate being away from him as it is, but not even knowing when i'll see him, is KILLING me. I mean literally, self-destructive thoughts have returned, and it's so aggrivating, because this really isn't that big of a deal. I know John loves me, and he's doing everything he can, but i'm always so scared of losing him. I know he's not going anywhere, and i know all of my worries about losing him are false, but I still worry. I want to stop, but i can't! BLAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I want to stop feeling this way. I'm so afraid that because of the way i am acting and feeling that I am going to annoy the fuck out of john and make him want to get away.. so, i'm just going to get over it as best i can and go on with my life. HE iSn'T GOING TO LEAVE ME, DAMNIT!
I'm so pathetic.
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Blurty for Erika.

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