| when he lied it meant he loved me; |
[15 Jan 2004|07:58pm] |
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mood |
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 complacent |
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music |
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James - Sit Down |
] |
Wow. It sure has been a while since my last entry. And I've been upto so much!! Let's see. Notts was really, really boring. There was absolutely no alcohol involved!! What a shambles. Anna was there though - she is so cool! And Mike...talk about sexy, lol, although I really don't think of him in that way. Col is really really nice in real life, and Poz gave me another one of his amaaazing hugs <3.
For xmas day, Mother Dearest and I went to Natalie's for dinner. I got a DVD player, some sexilicious boots, some sexilicious shoes for school. Some DVDs, Pink's latest album, and a load of other bits and bobs. Boxing Day I went to my dads, as usual. Shirley and Michelle were there. I swear it is so strange that girl acts so young. I mean, how many ten year olds do you know that put up with their mothers calling them "duck"? Oh well, her choice I suppose.
New Year's Eve I went to Mike's for a party. Helen and Mart went as well. Unfortunately I had waaay too much to drink, and ended up passing out on the sofa. Embarrassing...but what the heyho. Oh, and I split up with Ray ages ago. This journal is so out of date!! I still like him though, which sucks. Damn my stupid unreasonable feelings!!
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| behind blue eyes; |
[28 Nov 2003|11:52am] |
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mood |
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 determined |
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music |
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adia, by sarah mclachlan |
] |
I'm sorry I haven't written much lately. I really feel as if I've neglected this journal. it's bad, because this used to be the only place I ever vented my feelings. I don't talk to anyone like that anymore, and I think I just need to let off steam sometimes.
ignore my last entry. it was kinda silly, getting all worked up about that. I'm over the Josh thing. Matt's acting weird with me, but to be honest I don't care. if he doesn't like me then fine, and if he wants to act like a retard, then that's his problem too. Mike apologised, and we're fine now. he's having trouble with his family..I was going to go out with him, Mark, Karl, and Scott tomorrow night, but I don't have the money for the train. ah well.
tomorrow I'm going to Notts. it's Col's birthday, and it's turned into a kind of mini-meet now. I get to meet Reaper Mike!! it should be fun. Daddy's taking me shopping tonight, to get some new clothes. -w00t-. oh, and I'm going out with Ray. he doesn't trust me, because of the whole Matt thing, but I swear I'm not gonna do anything else like that. I am so incredibly sick of everyone thinking I'm a slag. I just...I do stuff on the psur of the moment, and then totally regret it later. Josh would be one of those things, Matt would be another. and I'm so sick of feeling shit after it. so; I'm just gonna stop doing it, keep control of myself. and -hope- that it works out with Ray.
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| revelations; |
[23 Nov 2003|09:25pm] |
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mood |
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 angry |
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music |
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me against the music by britney spears ft madonna |
] |
a. Jackie slept with Josh. two weeks before I did. how did I not see that coming?
b. I kissed Matt. for nothing..
c. Mike kissed me. when I didn't want him to..
d. all of this makes me feel like shit..
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| pale september; |
[03 Nov 2003|05:48pm] |
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mood |
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 melancholy |
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music |
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every you every me by placebo |
] |
why do I keep thinking about him? I don't know why I waste my tears over someone like him...and I don't know why I bother thinking up scenarios in which I could cry over him with some justification.
.
I bought both fiona apple's albums on friday. and cyndi lauper. fiona apple is just amazing. in fact, they both are. I wish I was somewhat like them...
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| and if I'm crazy, I'm just crazy for you; |
[25 Oct 2003|02:17am] |
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mood |
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lonely |
] |
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music |
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High or Dry by Radiohead |
] |
happiness is when you ask me to sing
even though I can never remember the lyrics to any of my songs, and I start laughing before I can finish. you still smile and say you don't mind that I can't remember, and even when sometimes I can't sing in tune. happiness is when it is silent and you are looking at me while I drive. even though I can't look back.
( but you know, my heart is looking. )
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| ten things I hate about you; |
[22 Oct 2003|11:25pm] |
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mood |
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 chipper |
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music |
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Adia by Sarah McLachlan |
] |
I hate the way you look at me
and the way you cut your hair.
I hate the way you drive my car
I hate it when you stare.
I hate your bug dumb combat boots
and the way you read my mind.
I hate the way you're always right
I hate it when you lie.
I hate it when you're not around
and the fact that you didn't call.
but mostly I hate the way
I don't even hate you..
not even close, not one little bit
not any at all.
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| self-analysis; |
[15 Oct 2003|01:27am] |
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mood |
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 thoughtful |
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music |
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Disguise by Lene Marlin |
] |
if feelings were flowers, I'd be a rose. a dead one. with all the connotations of love and death alike. my mind is constantly chattering,with thoughts and commands and harmful emotions. it badgers on at me,and I am arrogant in that I take it upon myself to assume what others are feeling. eventually I end up regretting things I did, simply because I didn't ask that person how they really felt about me. the world spins by in a charade of fake 'I Love You's' and broken
promises, many made by me. I wander throughout life looking for some-one to love me, and I end up giving myself to anyone who wants to take me home.life is hard, but I survive through sister haze songs and buying black underwear from camden market. rebellion is a phase, but one that lasts your whole life. and we all want something beautiful.
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| wilted and faded, somewhere in hollywood; |
[10 Oct 2003|10:35pm] |
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mood |
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 creative |
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music |
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My Love by Lene Marlin |
] |
hmm. it's been five days. I thought I should probably update. to think I used to write in this thing every day! I just don't have anything to write about anymore. I still have no life...my days are pretty much spent at school. it's been hard, but I survive by singing to myself and decorating my exercise books.
.
i want to paint. i want to paint a picture of love and i want you to be in it. i want the swirling colours to harmonize the beauty in your eyes. i want a canvas. i want acrylics. i want to show you what you mean to me. i want to know what i mean to you. i want to get away. i want to run away and i want you to miss me.
.
don't cry your shallow tears.
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| maybe that's what it takes; |
[05 Oct 2003|10:34pm] |
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mood |
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contemplative |
] |
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music |
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Maybe That's What it Takes by Alex Parks |
] |
we went to London today. we didn't get much time up there, because the trains were fucked up. I met up with Mike, which was okay; and I bought Lene Marlin's new album. I felt sad though. Layne got told off by her mom on the way home; and was crying. it made me sad because I don't like seeing my friends unhappy. especially not my bestestest friends whom I love dearly. I also feel bad because she goes to Australia in twenty-six days. I feel like I haven't spent enough time with her. and soon she will be gone. I'll probably never see her again.
I spoke to Tori. apparently she was going out with Josh. but they broke up last night. it brought back some memories, which also made me sad. but, that's life. and shit happens.
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| imagine; |
[05 Oct 2003|12:11am] |
imagine there's no heaven
it's easy if you try
no hell below us
above us only sky.
imagine all the people
living for today.....
imagine there's no countries
it isn't hard to do
nothing to kill or die for
and no religion too.
imagine all the people
living life in peace...
you may say I'm a dreamer
but I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
and the world will be as one.
imagine no possessions
I wonder if you can
no need for greed or hunger
a brotherhood of man.
imagine all the people
sharing all the world...
you may say I'm a dreamer
but I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
and the world will live as one.
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| the end is extremely fucking nigh; |
[28 Sep 2003|12:40pm] |
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mood |
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happy |
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music |
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You Weren't There by Lene Marlin |
] |
last night I had my sleepover. the usual gang - Maddie; Kat; Maz; and Layne - came over. we watched 28 days later. it's pretty good, although not scary at all. I think the appeal of it is mainly the origin; low-budget British films are better than Hollywood blockbusters anyday. the end was a bit of an anti-climax though.
Katherine bought me these cute bead keyrings for my birthday. they spell out 'I love my Aimee Horsey'. it's so great...such a thoughtful present! thankity Katherine. and Layne got me this pretty gel candle that has real roses in it..it smells so pretty! I love roses...and Layne! I will miss you so much!
thank you for the birthday wishes. I could not be happier to know such wonderful people.
{and now I feel like a soppy fuck}
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| i am; |
[24 Sep 2003|09:11pm] |
1. I am a woman.
2. I am scared; of everyone and everything.
3. I am something less than the world.
4. I am passionate.
5. I am a writer.
6. I am a daughter.
7. I am an artist.
8. I am addicted to life.
9. I am what I can never be.
10. I am emotional.
11. I am not what I seem.
12. I am mortal, and I will remember that by seizing the day.
13. I am a rock star yet to be discovered.
14. I am waiting for someone else to explain myself to me.
15. I am terrified no-one loves me.
16. I am stained by everyone I ever met or touched.
17. I am not bi-sexual. I am not homosexual. I am not heterosexual. I am love.
18. I am cynical.
19. I am someplace between the gutter and the stars.
20. I am me.
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| this is my kind of hell; |
[23 Sep 2003|09:09pm] |
and there was nothing. literally, nothing. just a huge grey expanse,stretching forever onwards as far as the eye could see. limbo, it seemed like. it was terrifying. it was terrifying being alone in this..nothing. but i was not alone. for after a bit...i started to see it. feel it. the faces rushing out at me from the greyness. the burning tickle of a thousand cobwebbed spirits breaking across my face.
and in that moment, i lost my mind.
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| you learn to love the pain you feel; |
[22 Sep 2003|04:46pm] |
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mood |
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happy |
] |
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music |
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Flagpole Sitta by Harvey Danger |
] |
thankity and lots of love to Jadey, who made this gorgeous layout for me! I love it! Thankyou! {gives many a hug and kiss}.
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| only happy when it rains; |
[22 Sep 2003|02:00am] |
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mood |
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bouncy |
] |
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music |
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Vow by Garbage |
] |
yay! tis my birthday! or at least it was...yesterday.
twas funky...I went over to Natalie's on Saturday night and watched A Beautiful Mind while eating Chinese. today I went over to Milton Keynes with my mom..she went to work and I went shopping with my Vater; my nan, and my dad's girlfriend and her daughter...those two gave me a £20 voucher for New Look and a £5 voucher for Miss Selfridge. I bought a Felix the Cat top with the New Look one. my mom bought me..an Elizabeth Arden gift set, some smellies and stuff. Uncle Colin gave me £10 to get some phone credit with..my nan and Aunt Lynne are giving me money. Kath and Fred gave me £5 and so did Uncle Reg. Karen and Howard apparently sent my card and £10 to the wrong address...retards. my sister gave me a necklace, some earrings and a funkay Quiksilver bag! I love it!
Anyway, over in MK...we stole lots of helium balloons from McDonalds and made our voices go all funny...and then Maddie popped one and like...squeezed one of her hands into half of it...she looked deformed and was doing the whole 'take ma strooooong hand!' thing. and then I stole it off her, so I was then the deformed personage!
next weekend I am having my sleepover, which reminds me - I need to email the others about it. I think Friday I'll ask if I can sleep over one of their houses, and then Saturday we can go to London...Camden Market \o/. then Saturday night they can come back to mine and have our sleepover! huzzah!
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| you can't write me up; |
[16 Sep 2003|05:54pm] |
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mood |
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depressed |
] |
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music |
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Sad But True by Sixpence None the Richer |
] |
my life this year has changed so much, and so much has gone on. it's all gone so fast. after the move; there was the problem with school, the suicide attempt. looking back on it, it seems so unreal; and saddening. the thought that I was that depressed, that fed up with life that I tried to end it. and now I just don't know why I'm still here.
you know what? I thought at first that maybe it wouldn't be so bad at this school. but now, after two weeks of it, I fucking hate it. the work's not so bad, granted, but it's the people. sure, they seem nice enough. but it's the fact that every lunchtime I'm left tagging along with Marie, hardly saying anything and looking like a complete retard. the comments in class. the way people laugh at me. it's so hard to take. I hate feeling this way, I really do, and I don't want to make my mom feel guilty. but what can I do?
I miss my old school so much. okay, so it was unrealistically strict, but so what? I had my friends there. I was happy there. before all this happened. I was fine. maybe not perfect, but I could deal with it. and I miss Layne, and Maddie, and Katherine, and Marian so much. there's no-one I can really relate to at my new school.
and I just wish things would go back to the way they were before. wish I could begin all over. do things differently. but wishes aren't enough. wishes are never granted, not even when you wish upon a star.
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| the steel made my tears red; |
[11 Sep 2003|01:29am] |
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mood |
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aggravated |
] |
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music |
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Strawberry Gashes by Jack Off Jill |
] |
"Some people wear their smile like a disguise. Those people who smile a lot -
watch the eyes. I know it cause I'm like that a lot. You think everything's okay,
and it is . . . til it's not."
- Ani DiFranco
haha. enter extreme fuck-up. aka me. do I have some kind of curse? or is there just something in my eyes that says, 'please! give me something else to mess up!'? either way; it seems to be working very very well.
question: why did I sleep with Josh? answer: because I wanted to. I thought it meant something, okay? so all you people out there who think I did it simply because I'm a little slut, you're wrong. believe it or not, I actually thought he liked me. I am a retard, remember?
and I'm sorry. to everyone I hurt, including myself. that's all I have to say. I'm sorry.
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| what drives you on can drive you mad; |
[02 Sep 2003|01:47am] |
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mood |
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creative |
] |
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music |
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Secretly by Skunk Anansie |
] |
lets steal a boat. lets sail the seven seas like we wanted to. lets tour the world on a raft. lets see Europe on foot. France and Italy. lets stay in Venice, build a home.
let me write a song. a song you'll never forget. a song for you. all i want is to write a book. a book about you and me. a book about how it can never be. i want to be able to cry. i want to be able to make you smile.
lets watch the sunset. lets watch the rain. lets travel the world. i want to find the end of the rainbow. i want to find eternity. i want to find happiness. i want to find love. lets find you, lets find me.
i want to find the goblins in the underground caves. i want to find the hobbits and i want to find diagonalley. i want to find the leprechauns. i want a shamrock and i want a pot of gold. i want to find the 3.7 trillion pounds of gold at the bottom of the ocean. i want it all. i want to give it all away. i want to give it all away to you.
i want to learn how to fly. i want to soar in the sky. spread my wings and learn how to fly. i want to fly into another galaxy. i want to touch the stars. i want to feel freedom. i want to feel passion. i want to feel love. i want to feel pain. i want to taste your tears. i want to taste the rain in the amazon. i want to feel the thunder. i want to feel your pain.
i want to learn how to play an instrument. i want to learn how to strum and i want you to smile when i do. i want to speak another language. i want to speak the language of love. i want to live life for a day. i want to live yours for another. i want to change the world. i want to change you.
i want to watch you sleep. i want to watch you laugh. i want to watch you forever. i want to watch my life play itself out on a big screen tv. i want to sit back and count the stars. i want to meet the world. i want to meet Ewan Mc Gregor. i want to meet Sondre Lerche. i want to see Incubus live. i want to snog Chris Martin senseless. i want to shoot Avril Lavigne. i want to cry when Oasis plays wonderwall and i want to hug them all and kiss them goodbye. i want to meet the Queen. i want to meet Prince William. i want to meet you, i want to meet me.
i want to speak blasphemy. i want to make sense. i want to run like theres no tomorrow and dance like it's never going to hurt. i want to run like the wind. i want to hide. i want you to find me. i want to find you. i want to do what you do. i want to hold your hand. i want to kiss you goodnight. i want to love you. i want to be you. all i want is you. if i had you, i'd have the world.
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| and there are many who wait for death; |
[01 Sep 2003|11:39am] |
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mood |
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 blank |
] |
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music |
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Rabbiteen by Jack Off Jill. |
] |
I suppose that; even though I only updated...yesterday; was it? The day before? Either way; there's still news.
Hm. I was still mixed up yesterday about that thing with this guy; who happens to be Josh. And then erm...let's say I kind of found out something about Davey..which slightly freaked me out..but I didn't do anything about it. We talked and I decided that I needed to think about whether I want to be with him for good or not.
I was talking to this new girl in chat; Tori, and wahey; she fancies Josh too. So we were sort of having this contest to see who could phone him the most (she's winning - grrr!); and I suppose I was sort of rubbing it in Davey's face; which makes me feel like such a bitch now.
Anyway Davey suddenly said that he couldn't stand feeling so jealous and being so far away from me all the time; and basically, that it's over. So....in other words; I am now single again.
At least in theory. Cause I then told Tori that Davey dumped me and asked her out..she said yes....she seemed to take it pretty seriously. And she added me to her conversation with Josh; and asked him to join us in a 3-way relationship...and he said yes...so now we're supposedly having this mad relationship pmsl. And he sent me and Tori 'pictures' lmfao. Very nice they were as well [grin].
Meh; I don't think it's hit me yet that I'm not with Davey anymore. I haven't cried..I haven't felt very upset at all; which either makes me a complete cow or just means that it hasn't got to me yet; I hope it's the latter.
cause when he lied it meant he loved me
and when he lied it meant he cared
and when he lied it meant he loved me
and when he lied it meant that; he was there..
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| but life went on in spite of it all; |
[30 Aug 2003|10:59am] |
| [ |
mood |
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bored |
] |
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music |
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1,000 Oceans by Tori Amos. |
] |
Hmm. Today is the day of the meet. My mom won't let me go. Apparently I'm 'too young' and it's 'too dangerous'. Doesn't matter that there's going to be a policeman with us; oh no. Personally; I think she's just trying to stop me having fun. She doesn't like the fact that I have friends off the internet, she doesn't like the fact that I have friends at all.
I'm also having a big dilemma. There's this guy...and I kind of like him. And yes, I have a boyfriend. That's not good; right? But then I'm not sure if it even matters; a) because he's off the net and lives in London; b) he would never be interested in me anyway; and c) he likes Jackie. So where does that leave me? I feel guilty for liking someone else when I'm going out with Davey; but then it makes me feel bad when this guy flirts with Jackie. Hmm. I doubt anything will come of it. After all; I love Davey.....right?
Thanks to someone. You really do help me; even by just being there and listening to me you help me feel better. You know who you are darl'. Love you.
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