lets stand here in the rain forever *'s Journal
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Monday, April 5, 2004
8:34PM - im so tired of being here *
omg... i just had thee longest weekend of my entire life. jonathans best friend ben died wednesday, quite possibly the best kid ill ever know.. i never thought anything like that would hit so close. ben was an example for all of us to live by. he wasnt afraid to die, and he said so just last week. he said God has a plan. i really wish i could be comforted with evidence that he is okay, and in paradise. i guess my faith is all i can rely on, and lets just say that hasnt been the most secure part of my life.
thursday i didnt do any of my hw... and i dont care. i went to bens house with jonathan and the posse.... i never saw so many people trying to fit into one house. people came and went all night. his parents looked like zombies, i couldnt look his mom in the eyes without feeling like throwing up. i didnt eat that night. we tried to keep the morale up by remembering ben at his worst and best and his funniest. i really miss that kid. i miss counseling him with his relationship matters. we went home around 10... i felt so uncomfortable and i felt so much pain... i had no idea what to do to make jonathans pain go away, but theres nothing you can really say to make it stop.. i just held him and held back my tears... i need to be strong for him. it hurt so much when ralph hugged him and started bawling and told him he had no idea how he was feeling and not to give up and holy shit did that hurt... omg...
at their school they didnt do anything all day... they madea shrine on his locker and all of the surrounding lockers... they all jsut stood around it and cried all day... the kids at the junior high stood around the flag pole and cried...
friday i went to the viewing with the guys.... the first one was supposed to be over at 4 but it extended to close to 5... we went to brads for a while and then to the 6-8 viewing and left around 9 30... we went to gregs after that... at the viewing i backed offfrom jonathan for a while, i stood with this one girl ive never met, but she knew who i was.. she was like "he loves you so much" .. i felt like bawling, but nothing happened
saturday was the funeral.. ive only ever been to one of those... this was by far the worse, and i cant imagine one that will top that unless something similar happens. its not like it was expected... he wasnt sick or old, he was 17 years old and healthy. it was so hard to watch the guys through the procession... we went to jonathans for a while... some of the guys and i waited downstairs while jonathan went to get fresh clothes... the guys have been staying at each others houses... we watched music videos... i couldnt talk when my immortal came on, ben used to call me amylee, and tell me every time he heard "me" on the radio... the song is so sad as it is, it came on in the car the day before and had the same effect... it hurts jonathan more... i went upstairs after that to see how jonathan was doing... he really opened up to me about how he felt, and told me how much it meant that i was there... some things got carried away, but not far... then he felt like shit.. i had to talk him out of feeling bad about himself... that led to more in depth conversation... he needed some alone time.. or normal time, and he said being with me was what he did on his own normal time... we went to brads after that... his parents have been so good to us, providing us with food and providing extra vehicles when we didnt all fit in eachothers cars... we went out to bens later on too... his family asked every one to come out for the basketball game... i went home around 11 30, it felt so weird leaving the posse....
i went with my mom to caseys moms fiftieth bday party... then iwent to bobbys with jonathan and the guys again... its comforting to be around them... im an honerary member of the posse now (: i just know that things are shitty for them right now, and theyll never be normal again, but they will get better... they wont go back to normal, but there will be a new normal, and things will be okay.
i just needed to let all that out... im so worn out and emotionally tired... im glad were off thursday friday and monday...
Current mood: 
numb
Current music: evanescence- my immortal
Tuesday, March 30, 2004
5:01PM - wow haha
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Current music: lost prophets-- last train home
Monday, March 29, 2004
7:04PM
school has finally slowed down!! the past couple weeks were crazy.. the other weekend i went to williamsburg, VA to compete in the ECA's national cheerleading championship... that was exciting... we placed 7th out of 19... considering the difficulty level of our thing, and the amount of people we had tumbling that was awesome... i watched the video and thats the best we've looked... now im happy to get a break
people at school havent been quite as annoying.. maybe thats just because ive been getting more sleep. i feel so much better now that ive had sleep and i dont have as much homework... today i helped paint in my neighbors house (: it was nice... my joints hurt now... i think i have arthritis :-/ well yeah.
i was actually social this weekend and had my friends over to watch movies.. we watched a little tv but you know how that goes... then we watched these dvds our crazy guy friends made and sold for the brian morden foundation (our friends brother died of cancer and now they raise money for research... check out the website!) ... they are crazy, i never get sick of watching those videos... then we watched bowling for columbine and gothika... woah what a mix (: sunday i hung out with my boyfriend and watched school of rock.. then we went to a mexican restaurant and went back to his house; tomorrow will be a year!! i wrote him this big letter/note about how i feel, and gave him a black and white picture i took of us. he loved it (:
its finally nice out, and im in heaven !
Current music: ill nino-- how can i live
Saturday, March 6, 2004
11:11AM - i shot the pilot and now im begging you to fly this thing...
after months of not feeling like myself, i finally feel like me again ( : it's so great... it used to be that i only felt comfortable around jonathan because he is the only person that doesnt remind me of my stressors.
What is really sad, is that the other day in health we were handed worksheets (as usual) and they said to circle all that applied to you. I circled all but two on this list of like... 30... then i found out that they were the signs of depression. great. Sometimes i feel like i should go to a doctor for anti-depressants, but i disagree with them, theyre only for people with severe problems. for me they would bea crutch, and all i want is independence, not to be hooked on a pill just to make it through every day.
In Lit we're reading The Great Gatsby, I Love It. It's all about the jazz age, and all of the corruption, and how it eats away at every one. Great symbolism, i HIGHLY recommend picking that one up.
Current mood: 
artistic
Current music: frank sinatra- new york new york
Tuesday, March 2, 2004
2:43PM - quizzes
You are a Romantic Realist
Okay, so you fall in the middle.
You know that love isn't like a greeting card…
Yet you can always find a greeting card to describe your feelings.
You are the best of both worlds
Girly yet independent, dreamy yet serious.
Almost any guy can find balance with you.
Are You Romantic or Realistic? Take This Quiz :-)Find the Love of Your Life
(and More Love Quizzes) at Your New Romance.You Should Date An Italian!
You love for old fashioned romance, with an old fashioned guy
An Italian guy is the perfect candidate to be your prince charming
If your head doesn't spin enough, just down another espresso with him
Invest in a motorcycle helmet - and some carb blocker for all that pasta!
Which Foreign Guy Should You Date? Take This Quiz :-)Find the Love of Your Life
(and More Love Quizzes) at Your New Romance.
Your Hottest Body Part is Your Eyes!
Jeepers creepers, where'd you get those peepers?
Your eyes definitely have IT.
You bat those eyes at any man, and he comes running.
Making eyes at men you crave is your specialty.
You can even cry prettily with tears in the right places.
Celebs who work their eyes as hard as you do include: Mandy Moore, Jennifer Garner, Heather Locklear, and of course, Heather Graham.
Want to play up your eyes even more?
First of all, make sure they're visible - by keeping your hair away from your face and by wearing subtle makeup everywhere but your eyes!
Invest in an eyelash curler, a good brow job, and some quality mascara.
What's Your Hottest Body Part??More Great Quizzes from Quiz Diva
Friday, February 20, 2004
7:24PM
wow, it's been a while. things have been pretty crazy since after break, but that's how it usually is any way. i'm finding myself wondering about my friends again, it's hard to say who i really feel like being around any more. the only person i feel comfortable around, and able to express my feelings completely, is jonathan.
last weekend we went to seven springs with his dad and step mom. it was so relaxing; i don't think ive ever had a better time. we were kind of afraid it would be weird, but it's actually even stranger being apart.
we got to go roller blading!! it was so much fun; ever since they took the roller rink away here, i've been in withdrawal from my roller blades. we talked the entire time, one of those talks that dry out your mouth and you cant talk any more until you get a drink.
i missed him so much when i went to bed monday night and i didnt have any one to snuggle with. we werent actually supposed to sleep in the same bed, but we would stay up together until 7 am and then i would go back to my room... and when 12 rolled around i would go in his room and lay with him for a while. when i had to wake up for school it was like uhhh i should be going to bed right about now!
yeah, but enough with the mushy stuff, because i know that no one really wants to hear that. when the semester changed, i had to change my lunch period and most of my friends are in different lunch, so i have one or two people i talk to in my lunch and then the rest are just annoying. my ex boyfriend is also there and i cant say much good about that. he confessed his love for me a week or so ago, i told him that he ruined any chance he ever had, and i'm as happy as i've ever been, and i can't imagine life any other way. maybe that was a bit harsh, but who's to say that he wasn't harsh a year ago?
well i better get back to my homework, i'm really procrastinating.
You're: Wondering eyes. You're not quite focused and
your quite the day dreamer. You're a bit odd and
as many say "You're head is in the
clouds."
What type of eyes do you have?
brought to you by Quizilla
Current mood: blank
Current music: taproot
Tuesday, January 6, 2004
2:53PM
Instructions:
1. Copy this whole list into your journal.
2. Bold the things that you have in common with me.
3. Whatever you don't bold, replace with things about you.
01. I miss California.
02. I like stars.
03. I wish I could play guitar.
04. I'd rather be too hot than too cold.
05. My hair is not curly and not straight.
06. I love swimming.
07. I want more CDs.
08. I want to take a roadtrip to California.
09. I want a car.
10. I like being by myself sometimes.
11. I like love songs.
12. I always have music playing.
13. I want to learn to play the piano.
14. I love summer.
15. I love accents.
16. I love Dunkin Donuts.
17. I love eyes.
18. I love kissing.
19. I love hats.
20. I like my hair.
21. My room is a mess.
22. I have an amazing boyfriend.
23. I love New York
24. The 4th of July is my favorite holiday.
25. I like fire.
26. I only use AIM.
27. I day dream, a lot.
28. I don't have a life.
29. I don't want to grow up.
30. I listen to rock music.
31. I like observing people.
32. I love photography.
33. I like to read but don't enough.
34. I like to admire from afar.
35. I like to read lyrics.
36. I need to figure out how to get out of here.
37. I spend too much time on the computer.
38. I love music as an art form.
39. I want to go to France.
40. I wish you were here.
41. I am proud of my father.
42. I never wear socks to bed.
43. Cold weather sucks.
44. I love sporks.
45. I want to make something of myself.
46. I have hair.
47. I keep my finger nails short.
48. I used to want to be an astonaut
49. I hate high school.
50. I think about negative things too much.
51. I like breaking traditions.
52. I love life.
53. I think too much.
54. I love band shirts.
55. I watch the Super Bowl for the commercials.
56. I can't draw.
57. I always try to look at things from a different perspective.
58. I am very impatient sometimes.
59. I give in too easily.
60. I love sleeping.
61. I love apples.
62. I love dorky romantic things.
63. I'm too emotional.
64. I love pillows.
65. I like to run.
66. I love dreams.
67. I feel the cold too easily.
68. I want to travel the world.
69. I want children some day.
70. I want a tattoo.
71. I love my bed.
72. I don't have twin siblings.
73. I hate lifting weights.
74. I love going to the movies.
75. I want to travel the US.
76. I like to write.
77. I love the sun.
78. I love volunteer work.
79. I need to do more productive things with my time.
80. I wish I had more will power.
81. I don't have a Mr. Potato Head.
82. I get overwhelmed by my own thoughts too much.
83. I like toys.
84. I listen.
85. I wish I wasn’t so damn lazy.
86. I don't want to shave my head.
87. I like being short.
88. I wish there were more hours in the day.
89. I love camping.
90. I love to be social.
91. I miss people.
92. I trust people too easily.
93. I wish I had more time.
94. I think people need attitude adjustments.
95. I hate being sick.
96. I really should stop being a procrastinator.
97. I like to watch music videos.
98. I love to sing.
99. Music is amazing.
100. I want to stay happy.
Current mood: 
crappy
Current music: incubus
Friday, December 19, 2003
11:35AM - at school
TODAY IS MY BIRTHDAY!!! YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSs... hahha (: yay for me... sorry i havent updated in so long... things are so crazy but i finally have xmas shopping and homework out of the way...
tonight i have to cheer and then im going to the new chicago style pizza place... i want to go to rock n bowl then but i dont think i am.... sunday night im having my birthday party... i cant wait but im still kind of half afraid because i invited the "crew" from last year and just about no one talks this year... gay... oh well...
i have a german test next period... it wont really be difficult... then the next period i have a test of the scarlet letter... i actually liked it but the ending was horrible..
last weekend i had my family birthday party... and i babysat... my little cousin freaked me out... she was bouncing on my bed and being all cute and stuff and then she stopped and started looking around all funny and whispering something (shes 2) and then she got all scared and ran to me saying "uppy, uppy!!" ... my aunt said shes done that before... idk but i was dead tired.... my brain has been sooo fried from studying and homework... i need a break... the other day we had a two hour delay so it held a bunch of things behind... now i dont have to write a narrative essay about what happens to pearl after she grows up until break...
some peopl in my 4th period are ANNOYING... yea... hicks... ajhfalkdfadjlaks
ill comment on people journals later!
Current mood: 
amused
Wednesday, December 17, 2003
5:07PM
you are plum
#DDA0DD |
Your dominant hues are red and blue. You're confident and like showing people new ideas. You play well with others and can be very influential if you want to be.
Your saturation level is low - You stay out of stressful situations and advise others to do the same. You may not be the go-to person when something really needs done, but you know never to blow things out of proportion.
Your outlook on life is bright. You see good things in situations where others may not be able to, and it frustrates you to see them get down on everything.
|
| the spacefem.com html color quiz |
Monday, December 8, 2003
7:10PM
I FUCKING HATE SCHOOL... i wish i could just die
Current mood: numb
Wednesday, December 3, 2003
10:05PM - updates updates
yea... things have be so incredibly crazy..
last tuesday i got my hair cut at a different salon and i love it (:
thursday night i watched beauty and the beast [my absolute favorite movie ever... the quality is horrible because of how many times ive watched it... when i was little i watched it once a day... i drove my mom nuts] i also watched 101 dalmations... the old one... because its the best one...
friday i didnt wake up until 12 and when i did i did some homework and got ready... then i went to my boyfriends house around 3 30... we stopped at the grocery store first and i felt like a newly married couple.. it was odd.. it made me laugh and i couldnt tell him why because i would have felt pretty stupid... any way, we layed around for a while and went up for dinner... yum... his sister got a hair cut and his grandma told her it made her face look chubby... it was so rude... but i love his family thank God... then we watched Gold Member... ive never seen it-- ive been so deprived. Ben came a little later because his brother was having a drinking party and he knew it was going to be busted because their neighbors are cops... then i went home and slept happily (:
on saturday i did a little more homework and jonathan came out... i was so spoiled... we watched fival goes west and aladin... he ate dinner with us... i got to see him for 14 hours this weekend.. it was so amazing (:... sunday was 8 months... hurrah for us...
on sunday sam and casey came out to my house around one to work on a project for english... we talked a little... watched dvds our friends made with "stupid humor" and then ate dinner and talked more etc... we stayed up until 6 am without starting a single thing... woops... we woke up at 12 and ate pancakes and then finally started working and finished around 5 in between we took breaks and watched www.badgerbadgerbadger.com i suggest you go there and see just how pathetic we were feeling... we were supposed to work on a chem project with 2 other people but we decided jsut to do story assignments in a chatroom bc thats all we were going to do any way... yea.. and itwas my dads birthday so i had a really nice dinner.. and cake (:
not much to say about school besides it sucks and now that basketball season has started im not going to have any time... were cheer jv and varsity so ill be gone from 5 45- after 9 00 almost every night... AHHHH its so nuts... i wanted to go to the mindless self-indulgence show on saturday with jonathan but my mom said no... so i might not get to see him this weekend... today was crazy.. i wont even go there... but it sucked... and yay for tomorrow.. basketball game and basketball game friday too... sunday we have a cheerleading christmas party... wow... im going to have to become very good friends with these people...
well i thought id just update since i probably will be a while unless i procrastinate like im doing now... i kind of probably seemed like i fell off the face of the earth.. sorry!
Current mood: 
rushed
Wednesday, November 19, 2003
6:08PM - ...
i cant say anything without pissing my mom off ),:
Current mood: 
irritated
Current music: the news in the kitchen
Tuesday, November 18, 2003
5:04PM - woo..
last night was fun (: it was the hollidaysburg [my boyfriends school] vs altoona [my school] ice hockey game and of course i was supporting hburg... it was great.. no one gets into hockey at my school but they go all out at his.. moshing and wutnot... they won 2-0... it was so cool... todays his bday and he said it was the best birthday gift (: haha i got to give him the puck
at practice a few girls got in trouble... saturday night they went to a party at this guys house and it got busted... oops... 2 girls are suspended (from cheerleading) because they were caught for under age drinking and one girl is kicked off bc she has had warnings in the past... she had to be taken to the hospital for alcohol poisoning... ick.. she asked for it
today was okay... this guy and i were talking about my ex bf and we were walking past the boys bathroom and some guy walked out that looked like him and it scared me... i feel bad bc i made this shocked/scared face at him... i apologized.. then after school, i was getting in my neighbors truck and he walks over "hey brad, can i get a ride?" woo hoo it was funny... yea.
well just a stupid, catch-up entry... i have a few essays to write now... uif. cya
Current mood: 
okay
Current music: greenday
Saturday, November 15, 2003
11:55PM
we took third at states!!!!!! wooo
Everyone is changing
there's noone left that's real
so make up your own ending
and let me know just how you feel
cause I am lost without you
I cannot live at all
my whole world surrounds you
I stumble then I crawl
one of my close friends moved to north myrtle beach... we talked online for months.. stopped... talked online for months... and stopped before school started... he was so against drinking bc his uncle was killed by a drunk driver.. tonight he told me hes been getting drunk and drove home drunk tonight... i feel so weird... its kind of a reality check
Current mood: 
shocked
Current music: juliana theory
Thursday, November 13, 2003
3:36PM
hurrah (: today was so much better than yesterday... i barely have any hw so there is hope that i can go to jonathans hockey game... woohoo!
my history teacher must be on something... yesterday he used the term "hump day"... which was odd bc hes such an authority figure... and now he told us theres not assignment for tonight!! ahh its nuts
my friend sam said this... i thought it was fun:
american [uh-mar-eh-khan]- a capitalist that belives the world owes them something, they are more superior than God himself, and also one that has no ability to think on his/her own.also displays the ability to milk every person, place or object for its last offering. loves money, sex, and power. easily described as greedy; satanic.
yay (:
Current mood: 
thankful
Current music: incubus-- nowhere fast
Wednesday, November 12, 2003
9:29PM
im going to cry... i hate school ):
i just started my hw so it looks like another near all-nighter... fuck.
practice was so difficult today... i ache.
done bitching (:
Current mood: 
pissed off
Current music: idk.. too much noise in the house to hear myself think
Monday, November 10, 2003
1:54PM
Protector
The ULTIMATE personality test
brought to you by Quizilla
| The Big Five Personality Test |
| Extroverted | |||||||||||||||| | 62% |
| Introverted | |||||||||| | 38% |
| Friendly | |||||||||||||||| | 68% |
| Aggressive | |||||||||| | 32% |
| Orderly | |||||||||||||| | 54% |
| Disorderly | |||||||||||| | 46% |
| Relaxed | |||||||||||| | 46% |
| Emotional | |||||||||||||| | 54% |
| Intellectual | |||||||||||||||| | 66% |
| Practical | |||||||||| | 34% |
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12:51PM - tempid water chase the pills w turpentine and chamomile
wooo i finally got to see my boyfriend ::smiles:: woohoooooooooooooo... i feel like dancing! ha! yea.. haha he came over and we watched the end of revenge of the nerds and then office space.. the man show came on and we were just laying there relaxing and it sounded too gross in the background i changed it to the food network... mmm candy scupltures. no wonder i never watch tv... besides lack of time, it just doesnt amuse me any more... yea any way... we just kind of layed around because thats all we ever do... were lazy people and he wasnt feeling well.. damn sinuses.. i wish he would be allowed to spend the night some time.. we so wouldnt do anything... just lay together bc its so relaxing... its always nice to go to bed once he leaves bc my bed is still warm and smells like him... ::sigh::
practice went well today.. we almost have our slightly difficult mount.. tonight were going out to fridays and i cant wait... theyre actually paying for our meals... then case and i are going to a friends house bc hes haing a lan party [local area network... they set up 2-4 tvs and hook x-boxes to them... so theres like 16 people playing at a time and its really cool... i suck so i just run around like a freak... halo phh] i actually get to see my friends... its a miracle... jonathan has a hockey game tonight against marion center but i havnt hung out with my friends since summer so im really looking forward to this... (:
hopefully tomorrow i can hang out with jonathan tomorrow again... i dont have any free time next weekend. so depressing. people at school bitch at each other if they cant hang out every night or every other night.. poor us... pitty us... lol jp... we survive but it sucks... it hurts that all i can think about is hanging out or at least talking but im constricted to the computer desk typing reports, essays, and speeches, trying to make my journalism deadline, and reading hours of literature a night... im in effing high school, this is ridiculous.
Current mood: 
indescribable
Current music: dc-- morning calls <3
Saturday, November 8, 2003
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