It's not often that I have awesome days, but sometimes I do.

What did I do today? I lived my awesomely stable, domestic life.
A friend of mine from California came down and helped me get set up with a hacked Xbox 360.
My work went great today, a 2 month project I've been on came through an amazing breakthrough...
... like, as in I may be able to get out of a project I fucking hate, and into one I might love.

I came home to my wonderful fiancee who...
... Well, she played the role perfectly... because she respects me so much.
She didn't get angry that my friend (who I never see) made a trip out to see me,
and didn't get jealous about the hours we spent doing shit she can't stand.
But for me, she stifled it. And she didn't hate me for it.

She said to herself, "Well, this is something he really needed, I'll let him have it."
It's amazing.

I'm starting to come to grips with Gemini closing.
Here's hoping it's not temporary...
... But a lot of things are gonna change...
Everything in my life is gonna be more convenient, and even more intimate.
I'll hang out with Mike more at his house, and maybe other people will come
to my apartment. Sure, maybe to play some IIDX or the other arcade games
coming into my spare room, but they'll stay because I'm not a shitty person to hang with.

Gemini will hopefully reopen.
I'll be at home to do my projects...
I'll keep performing just fine at work...
And Natalie will have a space to make her personal goals a reality.

Everything's gonna be fine.
I'm slowly becoming one of those adults who does their things,
works nice with the rest of the world, and is generally a net-positive
on the rest of humanity - that automatically makes me feel good about myself,
and it possibly even makes me better than the rest of humanity.

The best thing to have is hope.
Maybe the worst thing is to not have any.
At the very least, hope tells you that you don't have to settle for complacency.
Maybe it even says that the path you've laid out for yourself is working out.

2012 was the year that the plan I made in 2010 proved itself to work.
2013 may hopefully be the year I prove that I can continue to expand on what I've done.

It's a great feeling.

There's something about wanting to find a place
in your local community, being important to a society as a whole.

For some, it means making a large network of friends
to hang out with.... people who accept you for you.
For others, it's a case of finding people who think
you're special just for being yourself....

What do you do when you're none of those?
What do you do when the only thing you latch onto
is, itself, either corrupt, or just plain saturated?

I've surrounded myself with an entire network of people...
And all of these people simultaneously reach out to the entire
rest of the world around them for attention and sit there bashing,
berating, lashing at a bunch of other people doing the same thing.

A bunch of sad, pathetic, miserable fucks....
Friends with only sad, pathetic, miserable fucks....
All of them trying to satisfy their egos...
By trying to inflate their own self-worth to society
And simultaneously saying anyone else's accomplishments aren't
really all that special... no, they're not special at all.

Fine. Fuck me.
I admit it. I'm in their group.
I'm with them.

Naturally, I feel like all I need to do to get out is to simply be the best.
But no. That doesn't solve it.That doesn't end it.

The end of the day has to be this.
I need to just be here for myself.
For the things that make me a better me.

You know what phrase keeps coming up?
"It's lonely at the top."

Fine, so I graduate to the top of the class of worthless shits.
So I become King Of Shit.
What then?

I don't even want to talk about my anxiety problems.
The terrible fears that cripple me and stop me from
even doing relatively simple things...

Because I want to be perfect.
And you know what? My description of "perfection"
falls along the lines of "Hey, okay, that was pretty good!"

I don't even know where to turn now.

I need to stop being a little girl.
Or something.
Ask me if I even lift.
Whoops, I don't.

Who do I even talk to?

My entire body.
Flooded with feelings.
Most of them negative.

WELP, time to be that strong figure everyone else complains about
they have to be all the damn time even though they really aren't...

One of the things I hate about life and other people.
Is that if I want to manipulate other people into doing what I want,
is that 99% of that is simply being what I want them to be...
... that way, their untrained unconscious forces them
to mirror that back at me... you know, so they don't feel weird.

So, that's cool that I'm really good at that.
You know, twisting people so I get what I want.
But what if Idon't want to have to pretend... then what?

Is there I can just tell people: "Be happy."
Without having to take the painful step of me being happy for them?

I don't think there is.

So, 2013 starts off with a BANG for me.
The cab that Kenchan bought and that I've been maintaining at Gemini
is now officially mine - So, my pet project is now my baby.

It turns out that I can get a brand new 2 player control panel,
with the buttons and the harness for a delicious $200...
So, yeah, that's on my list of things.

PC Gaming is cheaper than ever now...
Budgeting for a nice PC pretty much right now.
Q4/Q1 is the best time to buy electronics as people clear the shelves for new models.

I'm probably going with an AM3+ or an FM2 build.
I actually talked with one of the design engineers for Intel.
I asked him if they were going to continue to support LGA 1155...
Even though the first new mobo design from Intel in 5 years is coming out this fall.
5 years in computer years is like 50 years in people years.

He said they may plan to continue support for the enthusiasts.
But really, will they? Also AMD's prices are way too fucking sexy.

Speaking of sexy, I finally bought a new car.
This next gen Altima is a bit weak, and an Accord was out of my price range.
We ended up kinda splitting it down the middle and went for a Mazda6.
It's roomy, drives fine, got a lot of great reviews.
Also, the cost of repair for this generation Mazda6 is almost
guaranteed to be cheaper than the cost of repair of an equivalent Altima.

The kicker was the crazy price and the mileage.
4801 miles on it, and after a fatty down and badass financing,
I was able to get it for $209 a month for six years.
Obviously we'll pay it off sooner, but if the badtimes hit,
I know we'll be able to breathe a little easier with such a low payment.
That and my Sentra is totally paid off and running fine.
==================================

My work has FINALLY gotten out of shit mode.
Kinda.

We just got out of version 9.7.9, but now the bosses
are spitting flames at us for not having 9.8 in alpha.

Really? Even though they knew we were ironing out shit in 9.7.9,
they thought the schedule for 9.8 would stay the same?
Either way, my boss is taking a ton of shit.
And until we get 9.8 into the field as first ACTUAL release,
we won't be getting a break... let alone raises or anything else.

I finally learned to calm down a bit.
I had to lower my anxiety by just YOLOing through things.
And you know what? The 95% approach works fine for most things.
Not only that, but I forgot my own capacity to blaze through things.

I'm really slow getting the 100%, maybe slower than most people.
However, I sincerely believe that my ability to hit the 95% in most
things has become really good... just gotta get that ball rolling.
======================================

Project managers can suck a fucking dick, though.
I have way too many project manager-type friends who
hit me up with their business ideas... they basically think:
"Look, I call the shots and you do all the work."

They don't realize they're saying it because the planning part hurts their brains.
Oh yeah, don't worry, you just come up with a vague idea
and I'll just flesh out all of the details and implement the entire solution.

Right.
Yeah, that sounds fair to me.
Fuck that. If I'm going to be that - if I'm going to do a 1099 for shit like that?
No fuck them. They can pay me $90 an hour for that shit.

Because really, they think this is shit I'll do for fun -
With more time than I have to spare, and still be able to do my job?

And then they give me shit along the lines of
"Man, you could make so much more money."

What I never say is that I really feel in my heart of hearts that
I'm smarter than they are... that if I could find a way to make big
money JUST like they said I could, I would already be fucking doing it.

Oh yeah, no, I'm just some dumb programmer.
I'm a dumb guy who just slings code.
I don't learn the verticals for which I'm working for.
Nope. You be the brains and I've got the looks, let's make lots of money.

Sure.

What it is, is that I'm tired of my friends projecting their desperation onto me.
The poor ones pissed because they can't make the money they want...
And then they give me shit like "Well, you were smart, you stuck through college."
Yeah, no fucking shit I stuck through college... how else could I NOT be
in the exact same situation you are?

And then the ones who tell me I was lucky.
Fuck them. I know exactly how much privilege I enjoyed.
Still, not nearly as much as others.

But I'll say this - there's a reason why I got a job and others didn't out of college.
I didn't just go to classes then go right home.
Nope, I went to classes, I learned my shit at home,
I made myself marketable to REAL employers with SERIOUS needs.
I learned to use the tools people use in the field.
I trained myself to get the jobs I wanted.

Other people didn't.
When I read articles on WSJ or the internet in general..
They reveal dumb shit like "Employers can't get enough workers."
It's not because there's a lack, but because there's something
DISTINCTLY unfair happening - employers want skilled workers.
They want people they can drop into projects and hit the ground running.

And it's true in MANY industries.
Accounting, finance, business management, computer-anything.

It's why Tushar Chopra got a job straight out of ITT.
Even though his computer science degree is worthless,
and he literally can't even program, let alone DO actual computer science,
He got a job before he graduated which pays more than mine does.

ONLY because he:
1.) Got into an industry where there's a LOT more money flying around (gaming)
2.) Can manage the teams in India on account of him being Indian.
What specific Indian? I don't know, but the Indian he says he can manage.
3.) His family runs a chain of convenience stores.

Done. Those are all skills he has I don't.
Not only that, but for people looking for project managers in any tech industry,
he's actually WORTH more than me in these kind of things.
Gaming is a shoddy business because they want things done quick and cheap.
They don't care so much about "Good" just HURRY HURRY HURRY.

He's perfect for it.

So, between, him, Alex, a coworker of mine, my friend Erick,
Gemini and my own research into opening a small business...
I am downright STEAMED about trying to do any business shit at all.
=====================================

I quit Facebook for a few weeks before Christmas and New Years.
I just got sick of everyone's cycle of being lonely, hating life,
then drinking and everything being fucking amazing.

People get bipolar during Christmas.
And really, that desperation shit.

Like I said, a lot of people come to me with their personal problems.
Part of it is because I'm open and I don't judge.
Part of it is because I know when to open my mouth,
and when to be a sounding board...
More than anything, I'm friendly and people feel comfortable opening up to me.

I'm doing less of that now.
This is going to sound disgusting, but I really don't care:
I know how to empathize with people, and I do so for favors.
If I win someone's favor, great I got them in my book.

But I'm friends with way too many self-absored people.
I don't sincerely think I could ever ask anyone to do ANY favors for me.
Hell, people can barely remember to invite me to parties,
but hey, Remy, I notice it's 1AM and you're drunk and playing
Facebook games - let's talk about my quarterlife crisis for 2 hours.

I changed that.
And the funny bit is that these self-absorbed people didn't even notice.
So, it's fine with me.

I've gone from "I do nice shit to people so I can make friends."
To "I do nice shit for people so I can be really creepy for fun."
I'll probably get sick of watching people throw up.
But let's stop pretending I care so much.

The attitude now is "I do this for fun, but I don't owe you shit."
I do have legitimate friends, and even people who are friendly
for me because they want to tap me for knowledge, advice or favors.
But they always thank me, and I'm cool with that.

It's everyone else.
I'm straight-up saying that I'm in it for the beer and miniskirts
and they don't get that I'm joking. And I don't care.
============================

So, life is good.
I've become a much nastier person over the last year.
And it's fine. It's okay, I think.
I don't lose anything by being nice.

And you know what?
People are fine with fake nice vs. genuine nice.
Even if I'm fake nice, no one wants to be a jerk to a nice guy.
And I don't stick around long enough for strangers to get what I'm doing.

Yeah, maybe it's a bit sociopathic.
But it's the kind of sociopathic that doesn't hurt anyone.
It's the kind of sociopathic that lets me bathe in my narcissism...
... And nobody stops me because no one THINKS they need to stop me.

It's gross.
But it works better this way.
I'm certainly happier now that I'm a little more in touch with myself.

That, and society is certainly rewarding me handsomely.
I have a great apartment, I got Gemini, I got my Astro City there,
I've got Natalie, I try to keep her happy as best I can, and I've got
a pretty solid foundation to continue being happy.

I used to always feel like I was the bottom of the top of the class.
Like, I was up there with the very best, but the worst one there.

Over the years, it's shifted because of the people I hang out with.
I rolled my own personality-wise, and let it ride.
I refined a lot of the rough bits and now have a very polished
set of behaviors regarding how to handle situations so that results
are in line not just with my own personal expectations,
but also ending in a way that works for both my ego and the people I'm manipulating.

Oh wait, did I just write that?
I mean, I work things out so that everyone is happy.

Lately, with things normaling out...

...

I think if I just work on my personal projects, I'll feel better about myself.
I'll have a track record of small achievements, a whole ton of
"Oh yeah, I did that once, let's compare experiences."

So, yeah, let's do a little every night.
Better than just getting drunk, I guess.

If that doesn't work, I'll just start doing projects drunk.
Yeah... a beer in one hand, a soldering iron in the other...
What could possibly go wrong?

So, I got a letter from the Hard Rock.
It was written like a form, but the timing seemed like a trap.

Basically - they've noticed I haven't been working there.
I missed the Halloween Party but will probably make the Christmas Party.

They basically gave me 8 hours to say "Are you still working with us,
if you don't reply, we'll move ahead with your mandatory resignation."

Really? Me? Resign.
No, fuck you people.
You people give me 2 days or less notice to prepare for your shows.
I know your tactic - keep on the people desperate enough to CONTINUALLY
check to make sure they don't miss a goddamned minute.

But by pure, stupid luck I saw it.
I saw your opportunity to cut me away.

No. Fuck you.
I suffered 3 long years... desperate... clinging to your teat.
We're gonna play a little game, whether you like it or not.

You tell me to resign so you can hire more desperate workers.
But I know your game revolves around "never firing" anyone.
It's how you get your executive bonus, it's how you justify your budget.

So, here's my proposal.
I do the bare minimum.
I become your WORST employee.

Someone so jaded, but technically prepared enough to execute.
I become that guy, that fucking asshole.

You deal with me.
You get uncomfortable around me.
The air around me is this; I don't give a fuck.

The game we're gonna play?
I play by all the rules.
And you can't fire me.

You're too scared to fire me.
And I play a game where you literally can't justify it.
All the meanwhile not giving two shits about how good of a worker I can be for you.

In 2009, if you had told me that I was going to have to
be this sick, disturbed, desperate motherfucker.
I would have said "No Thanks." I would have gone with anything else.

The fear of not finding anything else,
the fear of anything interfering with my commitments to you.

No more.
Suck a dick, Hard Rock.

You're playing my game now.
A game where I have seniority -
A game where anything you have against me is YEARS old.
A game where you can't justify what you really want.

Fuck you.
You set these stupid-ass rules.
But you did it in a way where you thought you'd be free
from some ASSHOLE like me learning the rules,
and making them work for me.

Every goddamned time I said I understood combinatorials.
Every single fucking time I said I could help,
but you told me I was an idiot - every time you burned me...

Nope.
Not anymore.

I'll play your stupid-ass game.
And no, I won't resign.

I will make you tarnish your reputation.
I'll make you FIRE ME...
I'll do everything I can to walk the line.
Everything I can to make you the bad guy.

And I'll make $40 at a time.

It's not even about money.
It's about the fucking principle.
Even 1 dollar for me to not do ANYTHING for you.
You pay me, I fuck you.
Not a goddamned thing you can do.
Not a single fucking move you can make.

Nothing without fucking your record.
Without tarnishing that spotless piece of shit.

Oh, you finally fired those guys coming to work drunk?
Fire me. Try it.
I'm polite. I work well. I do the job I'm told.
Come up with a reason better than "I just don't like him."

I worked so hard for you, and for so many years.
My reward: "Go Fuck Yourself."

Remember when I asked for that full-time at a convenience store?
Me, a college grad, a goddamned scientist.
Remember when you said I wasn't good enough?
Remember when you called a month later.
My piece of shit nothing-wage, when you TOLD me
to come into an interview for a PART-TIME job?

You didn't ask if the time was okay.
You simply said "This piece of shit is desperate,
He'll take anything because this is Las Vegas."
Remember that slap in the face?

I do.
I remember saying "Should I do this?"
Wondering if I'd ever find anything else?
The possibility of blowing it?

I said no.

I'm so happy I said no.
I gambled. And I won.
I was hired by someone who saw my talents and my potential.
Never mind that it's kind of gone down the shitter there...

The absolute truth is that they pay me literally 18,000%
more than you've ever paid me in a fucking year there.
I'm not even making that number up, that's the actual percentage.

You wanna peg me as desperate?
You think I'm a piece of shit?

Every promotion, every position up you've shit on me.
And this stupid gimmick, trying to get me to "resign?"

Suck a dick.
I DARE you to exercise your right-to-work in Nevada.
Oh, you won't because YOUR BOSS' record will be tainted.
Because the executives will blame YOU for losing an employee.
They'll blame YOU for needing to hire "new people"
and waste money on training, rather than keeping existing employees.

Well, haha, fuck you guys.
I saw this coming, and I'm ready to FUCK YOU.
I'll bleed you. I'll finally make you work for your shitty salary.

Fire me.
I dare you.
I have enough money to hire an attorney to fight you now.

No, I won't quit.
This is my come-uppance.
This is my revenge.

Remember how you shit on me?
I WILL MAKE YOU PAY.

What kind of a monster am I?
Every little treasure anyone else can worship...
Any little life experience I can say "So what?" to...

I feel like I've become jaded to humanity.
Like everyone else is just less impressive just because
I can empathize and say "So what?"

It's like I'm not special.
And I'm not impressed by special.
And everyone else, everyone else doesn't get it.
At what point do I transcend that and say "Okay, what's next?"

The more I think about my ambitions.
About what I really want out of my pathetically short life...
The more I think "Why is this even special at all?"

Why am I fixated on special?
I've never been. No one really is...
Life is just a set of fleeting, rare occasions.
And there's now enough humanity so that nothing is really rare.

All I am is human.
Is that really so much anyway?

I never remember these moments.
That moment when the entire world is just me.

Well, here it is.
I'm alone.

It's just me.
No one else cares but me.

The worst part is that when it's not just me.
All I do is worry - All I say is "What makes this better for you?"

I ignore myself.
But what do I want?
Too much. I always feel so selfish.

You know what?
Someone else say it's okay.
Someone else, anyone else, tell me it's okay.

I'm fine right?
Am I right?

Either I'm at the top and it's lonely -
Or no one else cares enough to tell me otherwise.

Haha, I always thought I wanted to be able to give stuff away.
And now that I am, I'm finding weird things.

Two of my friends are now actually, literally using me.
They talk to me ONLY when they want to impress a chick.

It's like "Hey, this is Remy, he's awesome and blah blah blah."
Then I'm expected to entertain them a bit with my awesomeness.

Hey, buddy, thanks for making me your go-to entertainment for the night.
Is that what I am? Some character... I'm charming enough to make
your date have a good time, so you can go home and bang her?

No. Fuck that.
Fuck ALL of that.

I am NOT going to do that anymore.
Watch me do the exact opposite.

Next person who does this to me....
I'm just gonna be a sleazebag. And not a funny one.
Just a sleazebag. And if they have a problem with it -
They can suck a giant fucking cock.

It's weird enough me having the problems I have internally.
And then you present me some delicious, naive 19/20 year old girl...
and then expect me to "do my thing" so she can be entertained,
so her spirits can be lifted... so you can do that thing where you say
"Hey, let's go over here for a bit."

No, fuck that.
I should just out and out say, "You know,
you agreed to go out with this guy because
the shit he presents to you is kind of a new thing to you...
But hey, lemme say this, he's not that interesting and he's not
that interested... in you, like, as a person... you're just now
developing an identity for yourself, and this guy is telling you
that it's fine that you're doing something like this...
But really, all he wants is to feel your young, supple body
pressed against his... 5 years or more of working out,
getting some mediocre but stable job... all so he can convince
you that he's ok, that he's pretty much all you'd need...
Not because your expectations are low, but because
you haven't really made a list of things you want for yourself.
But really, honestly, baby... he's just trying to bang you.
And once he bangs you, he's gonna be a lot less interested."

Then I should follow it with:
"Look, I'm not gonna fuck with you.
I'm not gonna lie to you. And I'm not going to tell you that I'll call.
How about this: How about I tell you a little about your relationship with me...

Why don't you consider this: come out with me,
I pay for a bunch of shit, I make you laugh,
I share my experiences that help you craft your own decisions,
and then you let me plow you. And after that, we don't talk much.
Except for when you need a life-affirming approach to misery,
and possibly when I want to plow someone else..."

Because no, that's not romantic.
But let's be honest...

Is there ANYTHING more real than two people...
Having just fucked... not looking at each other,
not talking to each other... smoking a cigarette in bed.

That moment of "Hey, we're naked and chilling a bit."
Right before "Hey, uh, you want me to spot you some gas money?"

You know what? I'm all in.
I'm 100% confident of myself.
I can tell this to someone, and see what they think.
Hell, even my fiancee is... she's DARING me to follow through.

"His conscience would stop him from banging another chick."
Maybe, but really, what chick wants to stoop so low...
Who wants to look at the really real life.

Yeah, I'll bone someone else.
But I'm not gonna sugarcoat it.
That person has to be ready for zero lies.
I'm done playing games. I got other shit to do.

I guess it's really, only when we're teenagers that we're ready to believe lies.
How would this world be if people like me told the truth?

A little sad, but eventually ready to solve their problems.
Oh wait, it's easier to avoid problems than solve them.
So, fine. I'll just be an asshole.

And my friends - please stop rubbing it in my face
that you're about to fuck a young girl by lying to her.
Because I can't bring myself to be the same piece of shit you are.

Maybe one day I'll find a girl who's willing to play this whole
"Well, I don't mind literally being a piece of shit."
But until then, stop telling me to help you LIE TO WOMEN,
so that you don't have to feel guilty about how much
of a shitty human being you are.

Oh that's right. No one reads my blog except Dana, Lily, and Natalie.
I'll just out and out name them: Josh "Danger" Gamboa, and Darl
maniguiantlyahgyyhg whatever fucking Filipinos you douchebags are.

I've been spending more time than ever being busier than ever.
I spend my every moment being busy.

And at the end of the day, I don't feel like I've been productive...
... Just busy.

What am I running away from?
What bugs me?
Can it be helped?
I don't really know.

I blame myself.
For not being content.
For not having more than everyone else and being okay with it.

How am I supposed to feel?
I don't even really know.

I'm too ambitious in how much time/money I give away.
I want to do too much, for too many people.
I want too many nice things to happen.

Everyone wants nice things.
Nobody wants to contribute to make it happen.

So, fuck everyone.
It's on my dime, it's on my time.
If it happens, I'm glad it could.
If it doesn't - DEAL WITH IT.

There's very few people I owe shit to anymore.
And really, it's mostly my fiancee, my parents, and my company.

Do I owe anything to anyone who doesn't actually comprise my life?
No. Not really.

Really, it's just for the sake of my vanity.
My ambitions are just stuff that I think are cool.
That's it, that's really it.
So, fuck it.

I don't need to be hunting so many opportunities to be doing anything for anyone else.
I'll just make me happy.

I'll just get really good at Tetris, and Popn Music.
I'll spend the time with Natalie that she wants so badly.
I'll visit my parents, and coach my brothers.
I'll work at my job.

Why the hell not?

I don't need to have a "there's more to life" moment.
I know exactly what's important in my life.
And if I ever need to do anything else to fill any other niche.
Nothing stops me.

The last two burdens stopping me from doing anything were time and money.
Now I have enough of the latter. I need to start using the former more wisely.

I don't tell anyone who I feel.
I don't even write about it in my journal.

I can't.
I can't ever.

Because me talking about how I feel.
Me saying anything.
It would just make everything worse.
The whole world is worse place when I open my mouth.

It's a human thing, though, isn't it?
Some people just don't hold back, or can't.

Maybe I'm not allowed to be human because maybe I'm not human.
I'm starting to feel like I'm some sort of freak.

Uh-oh, it's happening again.
I hate everything.
Everything is pissing me off again.

Why?

I just don't feel like I should be giving anyone respect.
Pretty funny thing to think about, a couple of friends who were
a couple broke up - more like she just got tired of his shit.

Now, I've been friends with the guy since high school.
And I've ACTUALLY been friends with the girl for the last 3 years.

Here's the thing though, just because you've been friends
with somone for a long time, it doesn't make them a sincere friend.

I still call him Rob, I haven't gotten used to this whole Afro business.
Why? Because I've always treated him like a colleague,
and not so much in the realm of the partygoers he flirts with.

But... all the history, all the moments shared.
Even all the times we've partied together.

It's funny how close you can NOT be to someone after that.
And it's not me for being a shitty person, it's HIM for being closed off.

I realized that I have whole slew of closed-off partier friends.
And a lot of them do the same exact shit.

They don't open their mouths about things that bug them,
they bottle it up until they explode, and they don't fix things.
They just complain, they don't actually better themselves.

Bobby, Elaine, Rob Chavez...
It's the same shit - underdeveloped EVERYTHING,
they bottle it in until they blow up, then dumb shit happens.
And all of it always revolving around the next time that
they can be in a place with liquor/drugs and music.

Rob's a flake. A giant fucking flake.
I came to accept it as part of him.
But you know what I didn't like.

I didn't like what he actually thought of me.
He'll drop shit to hang out with his REAL friends,
but me, I can't be a real friend because I don't GET HIM.
And no one gets him.

But I get him plenty fine.
I get that he can't hold himself up as a person.
That's fine -
But what he doesn't get is that I'm not just white noise.

I couldn't get him?
More like he can't get me.
A lot of people can't.

My favorite question from people is "Why do you try so hard?"
Because I want to make things right, I want to make things better.
If I feel like I can make a positive impact in most things, I will.

The other thing I don't do is simply SNUB people.
I don't go "Oh he doesn't get it, he's an idiot."

What do I value in people?
More than anything, thoughtfulness and the ability to self-inflect.
And a lot of my so-called friends distinctly lack these.

I've heard more than I ever wanted to hear to confirm this.
Not just from one person, but several.
The "histories" align.

These are people just floating, directionless.
They don't get that they're directionless because they don't
understand what direction is - life is just the wait between the next party.
There are no longterm goals, and no objectives to become more human.

Nothing.

But here's what gets me.
One of them, one of them actually let someone die.
He's not my friend, this one.
But he's everyone else's friend.
Everyone else knows this, too.

You let someone DIE because of your weaknesses?
Everyone knows this, and YOU'RE the victim?
Fuck you, you piece of shit.

You're not a victim, you're irresponsible.

It's not just that.
He ran away, he let the guilt consume his personality,
and not only chose NOT to resolve it, or let it get away.
But he decided to just BECOME mysterious.
Do enough drugs and you're part of the gang.

But here's the thing - here's why this guy is a piece of shit.
All of this proves that someone's LIFE can't be left to him.
He's incapable.
He's weak, and we're all playing a game of not hurting his feelings.

Fine, that's good.
But there's a limit.

Maybe you shoplifted once...
Maybe even you almost raped someone who passed out.

But when you let someone's life END...
When someone's life ENDS because you were too irresposible...
When it's YOUR FAULT, and you do nothing to absolve.

I'm not sorry - I don't feel bad for YOU.
I feel bad that you get to keep going.
I feel bad that you're around to just BE a piece of shit.

And part of me wants to fix it.
Only to make stuff better.
But you know what?
There isn't fixing that piece of shit.

And I've realized that a lot of these people would do the same for me.
It's why I don't do drugs, it's why I CAN'T do drugs around these people.
I can't trust I'll be okay with these people.

I've only ever truly wrecked myself at a party.
And you know what? Bunny's the only one who helped.

To this day, she doesn't say much about it.
Mostly because she doesn't want to embarass me.
But it was her.
She's the one who helped me when I drank myself SO
stupid, that I actually became completely incapacitated.
Nobody does as much for me as Natalie.
And no one short of my parents care about me as much as her.

But at least someone could try.
If you have a friend and you want to help, you try.
And when they help, you thank them.

People rarely help.
How many of your friends stick around when you become an inconvenience?
I've been a decent friend to a lot of people.
And to some people, I'm their only real friend.

You know why people like me?
Because I meet every situation with thoughtfulness.
I'm empathetic, and I don't judge.

But some people, I'm just going to have to judge.
And I'll HAVE to say no to.
And I simply can't side with them. Not until they change.

Wait, I didn't accept you because you're a piece of shit person?
Oh hey, don't you know that I'm a goddamned saint?

I seriously am.
I will GIVE people a goddamned chance.
And they always blow it.
They always blow it, but at least I tried.

I want people to be better, I want everyone to improve.
I want the world to be better, and I'm GENTLE in my push to get there.

But what I can't do is just have someone be a complete
piece of shit, and then they expect me to respect them.
It just can't happen.

Very few people are on my shit list.
And with the exception of EXACTLY two people in this world...
I absolutely will give everyone another chance.

Ex-girlfriends who have owed me an apology for the better part of
the last decade... who extend a hand to become amicable when
they previously wouldn't - they get that chance.

Then people specifically -
Marie Hagerman: If she could give me a commendation for
what I did for her - that would be enough. Her not calling
me a piece of shit for HER failures - that'd be enough.

Faith Anderson - an out an out apology,
and the promise to not be a piece of shit,
to condemn her attitudes that put her on my shit list.
If she could put the first foot forward, I'll meet her on the rest.

Rodanielle Kitsha-Choy -
I never knew you, and I'm probably a little better for it.
If you ever want to meet me, you apologize for what you did to my mother.
Should you ever approach me for MONEY, I want nothing to do with you.
I may be your biological son, and I can respect that to the exact
point that I share your genetic material. Maybe I could say something
to you - but you'll never be my father, and I owe you absolutely nothing.

People I can't forgive -
Steven Beverly - the aforementioned piece of shit.
I don't need to be your friend, a LOT of people don't need to be your friend.
The next time you attempt suicide - please succeed.
I'm not even kidding.

Did you know you're the centerpoint for a community split?
You cause so much bad juju, that in your short few years here,
you're the major split of the community I'm trying to build?
Kill yourself.
I will out and out say it, you fucking weakling.

Kevin Miranda - you can't ever give us back Angela.
I'll never let you forget it. She was worth 200 of you.

Probably have a few more. Whatever.
======================================

So, yeah, if I have to choose between Fro and Bunny,
I'm choosing Bunny. Whatever, deal with it.

This whole thing has made me take a hard look at who I'm friends with.
And I said it a long time ago, maybe I just forgot it...

I'm friends with most of these people for the simple
reason that they get drunk, I get a few laughs.
And... that's probably really the end of it now.
It won't be funny forever, and we're nearing the end.

What's at the end here.
What happens when I'm done.

I go back to my life as a husband, provider, professional...
More than anything, someone contributing to the world.
At the very least, I make enough to have to PAY taxes.
I fund the welfare programs that a couple of my friends live off of.

Maybe the choices I made sacrificed the times I could party.
But for all of the stories when everyone else has about partying,
for every funny tidbit - it's just memories... good times, yes.

But good times don't pay your fucking bills.
I worked pretty hard, although I could have worked HARDER.
I definitely had to take more blows from the real world to
be where I am - I worked hard to grab all the opportunities I did.

And they didn't.
They didn't try as hard.
They didn't search for those opportunities.

And it's starting to show.
In a year I went from the shit in the bunch.
From being laughably broke...
To realizing that even their pocket change was borrowed.

And it took 8 months to play catch-up.
They all have real goals, they just won't sacrifice
the good times to make it happen...

Your dream girl, who you wanted to be better for to get.
Someone who would love you, maybe even someone
who would take care of you when you got sick...
Maybe even someone who could care enough when it was your fault.

I have mine.
She carried me through a crowd of people when I destroyed myself.
Sure, maybe she hates that she had to, but she still loves me.
She did it BECAUSE she loves me.

And these other people - you're tired of your soul-crushing job?
You want to work somewhere with security, where you have fun,
where your skills and passion dictate where you go?

But you have no skills, you have no passion in any form of profession,
and you're not willing to bunker down, bite the bullet,
get the training and education you need,
align yourself up with a support network to get you there
(because a lot of you burned your bridges with your parents,
and none of you are married to someone who can pay for everything)

All the years I spent trying to get there,
you reminded me how much of a bummer I am because I
had to put everything into finishing my degree.

Where did your good times get you?
A monthly squabble over how to split a bill 5 ways?
Every FUCKING month?!

Like, you've been doing this for 5 or 6 years now,
and you haven't figured out how to avoid this?

Oh that's right, you avoid the pain.
You try to get away.
You never suffer and thus you never learn.

For the very first time, I can say,
THIS is what my degree got me.

I literally, actually put my arms up in the air.
And everything around me.
Every PHYSICAL thing around me was that product.

I have my own home that I can afford.
I have a nearly 1100 sq ft apartment that's all paid by me.

I don't need anyone else to help me do anything.
I make it just fine by supplying my time to the company I work for.
That's it.

This is where it's gotten me.
I got to skip over the drama of shitty roommates.

AND I was able to singlehandedly care for my fiance
in the time that she's needed me the most.
I've succesfully fulfilled my goal of giving her a comfortable,
and nurturing space for her to do her absolute best.

She studies in her new home, without being bugged by anyone...
In a comfortable desk (okay, in a not so comfortable chair, I need to fix that).
She not only has every thing she needs, she has enough conveniences
that she doesn't need to leave the apartment.
And I try my damndest to make it easy.
I'm good about that about 95% of the time.

I'm glad I can make this easy.
And I'm giving back to the community, too...
I can spend the time with people like I couldn't before.
I can give back to Gemini.

I can not only pitch in for kickbacks, in some instances
I'm actually providing about half the liquor.

And, I can do this without being a douche.
It's understood that if I give a gift, it's that.
Friendship means a lot to me.
I wonder how long people will stop just being
glad I'm doing well, and start thinking I was just lucky.

It wasn't all luck.
It was a combination of diligently seeking opportunities,
doing as best as I could at everything.
And varying degrees of working hard...
Ranging from "barely enough where it doesn't matter much"
to "nearly hitting the absolute limit for what I could physically accomplish."

I'm not self-made, no one is.
But I can only feel like I'm having a breather because of how
hard it is that I actually work - at least compared to others.

It's fine to me, I guess.
If someone just treats me like white noise.

Guess what? You're not really that important.
And when you finally get over yourself, who'll be there for you?
Maybe I will be. But you'll need to apologize to me first.

And these idiots - they never do.
They can never say "Look, I'm just gonna stop being so shitty."
They just can't.

Am I being an asshole - imposing a condition
I find nearly impossible to fill for the people on my shitlist?

No. it's a nearly impossible condition I WISH TO SEE HAPPEN.
I want everyone to do better, I want things to be right.

I see myself across a line, extending a hand for a handshake.
No one wants to take it.
That's fine, but it's there.

Maybe I need to start doing more good for me.
I think for now, I need more time to relax...
My top priority is to figure out where my career is going,
and spending my time off crapping out my artsy things.

I had an experience from the other side tonight.

Working HRH has made me do some weird things.
First and foremost, it's put me front and center for learning what it means
to be on the extreme end of customer service... being the front lines
for some of the worst customers you can possibly have.

I had the exact opposite experience today.
My iPhone was lost then stolen on a trip to Six Flags.
Today, I decided to replace it, and upgrade to "The New iPhone."

What struck me was how hack-friendly my salesperson was.
He helped me figure out how to cancel my contract on the other phone,
while getting me a new device on the line.

The typical game is to get people to get phones out of contract.
Then you pay some egregious price for it.
All I had to compromise was a new number and another contract.

Weird, I saved like $150 this way.
And he was COMPLETELY willing to help me game the system.
Why? Because it got him some good reviews, inflated his sales.

Basically, he was willing to screw the company,
spit in the face of shitty policies, get me a better deal...
... And all so he could advance, and do better for himself.

Weird.
It's... it's like me 2 years ago.

What has hacking gotten me?
Friends. Fans. People who give me loyalty.

I exchange free shit...
I put in the time and effort...
And other people gain out of it.
My reward? Friends.
It may not be such a bad trade.

I'm pretty disappointed with how my day's been...

My work has kind of stalled, but also kind of hasn't?
I'm trying to build an awesome new multigame for Gemini Arcade.
The proposed build costs keep going up and down.

I'm tempted to give up, but also I want to contribute.
Less for money or anything like that, more to keep people playing.
It sucks to say, but I have the most fun in that kind of setting.

My whole day's been fucking disappointing.
I feel like I'm not getting enough done.
And then I feel like I'm not doing enough for anyone or anything.
I can't make anyone happy, everyone always needs something more.

I could make myself happy.
I could do just the things I like.
But then everyone would just think I'm an asshole.

So, here I am.
Trying to figure shit out. 1:22AM.
Fuck it, I'm drinking this Four Loko and not giving a fuck anymore.

Everything has been an effort to get all my shit into place.
To make myself productive...

Because all of my projects involve some form of doing
something for someone else... now, all of these things
are things that I think are nice... but still..

I guess I need some time.
And not an afternoon, not even a whole day.

I need a whole lot of days.
Uninterrupted, to let me work on things.

Natalie thought it was pretty funny when I mentioned that I wanted
to turn the spare bedroom's closet into a sound booth.
I wasn't really kidding.
I want to crate it up with that soundroom eggshell-crate foam.

The most selfish shit I can do is art.
I want some time.
But I also don't want to everyone else to feel neglected.
I don't even know anymore.
Thank God I don't have children and no one's pregnant.

I would fucking hate having made it this far...
Finally having my own damn space to get into myself.
And then have to give it up permanently.

Fine. Whatever. Call me selfish.
I don't give a shit, really I don't.

I'm 26, and I've got fucking cash in the bank,
and I've finally got that hotshit job I always wanted.
And I have my own place... she can have the entire
apartment, the living room, the master bedroom, the kitchen.

I want my little corner room.
Where I've put all my stupid electronics.
And my stupid hobby time.
For my stupid shit, that I do for other people.

Ugh...
I'm literally torn between actually giving a shit, and not at all.

I'm tired of hearing other people talk about how people
should be individualistic to the point of being sociopaths.
"Don't care what anyone says, do what you want."

Which is funny because no one does it.
But I could do it, I have the capacity to do it.

You know what I got that other people don't?
I have an "OFF" switch. I can just turn shit off.
I have the ability to make myself feel however I want to feel.

I learned self-hypnosis when I was 15.
I mastered it by the time I was 22.
If I want to be something or feel anything, it's instant.
It's conscious. I just say "Not gonna do this now."

The problem is that it's never forever.
I can't just turn shit off and keep it off.
Eventually I have to go back to the realm of normal.
And THEN, I have to face up to shit where I just stopped giving a fuck.
People get confused, and I have to do image control.

I feel like it's dangerous.
Like, the last thing keeping me from being an out and out immoralistic
psychopath is literally the ability to say "better come back now."

I hate that I have to make anyone wait.
I just wish I could tell the world to let me take it slow.

Everyone wants something sooner and it messes with my psyche.
I'm sorry?

I wish I could do this faster.

More than anything, I wish everyone would just stop proving me right.
The fact that when people want something, they'll bitch and whine,
and do absolutely nothing to help, and when shit gets fixed, no one is thanked.

In a hilarious way - people wait and want from me.
I only give apologies on being late to save face.
I could just as easily tell everyone to fuck themselves,
and they'd still have to wait on me to get what they want.
The only reason I don't is because I want to be a good person.

Being good means telling those who are weaker than you that they're not weak.
And see that? There's me "belittling the weak" like a textbook psychopath.

Maybe I'm stressed for following all the rules.
How many people ever think to themselves "I don't have to do this at all."
Not many. I just tell myself to play along to stop myself
from dipping over to the loony bin...

At least, for now I do.
I may stop caring one day. Completely.

I can't sleep.
I feel like shit.
Indigestion, my own poor actions.

Nervousness.
I'm moving in with The Missus.
Not so nervous about that, but I want it to be smooth for her.

I thought that having a crapton of money would be enough,
but it really isn't... I'd need to take time off from work to
really make it something special for her.

I love her so much.
I want her to feel happy about this.

Well, I'll make it.
Remember - I have money now, for once.
This'll be fine. I'm sure it will be.

Oh wait, no, I'm not so sure.
That's why I'm nervous.
That's why I took the 10 minute roundtrip to grab a beer.

Whatever. Good night.
I'll be fine either way.

This is exactly the point where I don't care anymore.
There is this temporary space where I can asserrt this.

This is it.

Let me have my space to not care.
Intoxicated, sweating, drunk.....
The last place where my world exists only for me.
The last resort.
This is the last place where I get to keep my sanity.
The other 23 hours in the day.
Let me have this one to myself.

Fine. So I found a way to heal.
To regenerate. All by myself.

I just need time.

It's a strange day.

The weird balance between monotony...
Visions of grandeur...
And ridiculous bullshit...
... All culminating in soul-nullifying nihilism?

I got to release.
Fine. So I drank a bit.
At least I can let go

It takes a lot... maybe even too much.
To push my reset button.
But look at me push my limita.
Look at me "feel the burn."
i'd rather burn out sooner than later.

It'll all be worth it.
It's literally a wekk from now.
The environment set up for me to succeed...
.. I'd have to really hate myself to not do so.

Still, one last week.

For the longest time, I've been an existentialist....
Every day that I feel less disillusioned with myself.
.... is another day that I become more of a nihilist.

I feel less like asking questions, and more like saying "Why does this matter?"
An empty question, thrown into nothingness...
... I will never hear a reply.

If there was never anything to qualify success,
how could you have ever failed?

You look in your heart.
And when you suck away the you-centrics.
Nothing is left.
All you've ever wanted is all you've ever wanted.
Do you even know why? No, but you never needed to.
The real truth - your indivdualism doesn't matter.

Worse yet, your fate isn't determined.
Fate is a lie. You just follow the script.

I don't want to say I'd fight it.
I don't want to say anything at all....

I'd ready to crash and burn.
I don't care anymore.

You know what I just realized? I'm in a really shitty mood.
Everyone is annoying the fuck out of me.

No one is funny, no one is enlightening, hell, I'm not even in the mood
to give a shit about people's (typically half-baked opinions) for once.
I don't even feel like scoring brownie points - pretty sure I have enough.

You know what I want right now?
Right now, at this moment.
I would really, really like a representative of humanity.
Or at least, a representative of everyone I know....
To come up to me, and apologize to me on everyone's behalf.

Like, "Sorry we fucking suck, dude.
Sorry, we can't do anything to make you feel better when you're in the pits."
I'm not even asking for anyone to fix it, just to acknowledge it.
Alternatively: I'd be just fine if everyone could leave me the hell alone.
I'm really just not in the mood.