Remy's Journal
20 most recent posts

Date:Thursday, December 11th - 2:11AM
Thoughts on:
Mood:Sayonara

What an eventful year.

I lost my first big boy job.
I got married.
And I almost died.
All in the same year.

But did I become a Tetris Master? No.

I started writing this shit when I was... 16? 17?
I can't even remember.

At a time before twitter, tumblr, before Myspace or Facebook.
When I wanted to vent, when I wanted to talk to no one in particular.
When I believed maybe there was beauty or truth in what I said.
I thought I was clever, or funny.
But I'm kinda not. I kept a diary of jokes in 2013,
and continued that diary through 2014 with the line "Fuck it, it's still 2013."
Soon, it's gonna be 2015.

But I'm mostly not funny.
I spent the last year silent.

There was a lot of rage tucked away.
A lot of understanding, empathy.
A long look of disbelief in the mirror.

Lucky me, I'm finally that age where long-held nepotism puts
one where they wanna be - where being someone's friend
gets them paid to do stuff they want with people they like.

I guess.

I'm actually in a lot of pain. Not as much as I was before my surgery.
Did you know I had 3 hernias? 1 umbilical and a unilateral inguinal hernia?
I blew out both my balls somehow.

That wasn't even the worst part. That surgery went fine.
And then I almost died, hahaha.

I don't write in this anymore for a couple of reasons.
Mostly because I don't need to.

And it's in times like these that this doesn't do much
as an exercise of meditative study as it does to just fill time.
Time while my beer kicks in, time while my sleeping pills kick in,
time while my pain meds kick in...

A rerun of a rerun... an episode of American Dad I've watched already just tonight.
Infomercials and nothing else.
The desire to create, or be expressive, or learn or work on anything?
Out.
How's that game going? How's that music going?
How about your guitar studies?

Best I got are my arcade projects.
And I already played as much Tetris as I could before
my hands and wrists hurt to much to continue.

TA Death 497.
It's like an almost celebration.
500 is the big boy "I MADE IT" wall, but I made it to 497.

I'm ending my blurty.
My wife insists on archiving it first.

I thought about it during the time it was down for a few months.
"Are you really okay with years of your personal thoughts going down the drain?"
Yeah, yeah I really am.

Part of it is because so much of it meant so little.
So many questions I had, I now have answers to.
Even if the answer is just "Don't think about it."

That was the answer regarding my near-death.
People ask me if I have a newfound zeal for this or that.
Or if I've had a spiritual awakening or anything like that.
Nope. I'm fine with being alive.
I'm fine with healing, and moving on.
I wasn't fine with suddenly dying and leaving so many things unfinished.
And the end result. "Don't think about it."

It sucks, really.
I thought I'd be so much more inspired, doing so much more.
But it's okay.

I'm probably going to give up on moving to the Bay Area,
Silicon Valley, Texas, Chicago, New York -
Anywhere I actually have friends, and real job opportunities.
I've kinda settled on the idea.

I'll do whatever. I'll be here.
I'm fine being here.
I have a nice life with a nice wife.

She'll read this and be so happy that I'm glad to be here.
Older Remy would shed a tear over kinda having given up.
I haven't really. If it comes, it comes, you know?
You can't force it. If it fits, it fits.

But I don't write anymore.
And you know where my words go now?
My thoughts and my feelings just stay with her.
They stay in her memory, and that's good enough.

So, that's 2014.
And that's my life.
And the end of this blurty.

I just wanna get well.
Work something in my field.
Have kids.

Stay as beautiful as I've been these last two years.
Just play Tetris a lot and never get Master rank.
I'm okay with that.

Post



Date:Monday, June 16th - 1:36AM
Thoughts on:

Let's wish me a happy everything.

Let's hope these doctors' visits go well.
Let's hope this interview goes well.

My wedding's gonna be awesome, no doubt about that.

And everything else? Either way - it's time.
Time to stop being NEET. Time to stop being afraid of the world.

Not caring about hurting anyone's feelings.
Not letting my feelings be hurt.

You had a nice spring vacation, Remy.
Time to pick yourself up and be the Remy you've always said you
were going to be, at least be the Remy that kicked ass all of 2012.

2013? Well, it sucked, and it extended in 2014.
Not the parts where you bought awesome shit,
no those fucking ruled - but the way you let yourself get destroyed.

Enough of that.
Time to pick up.

Things are going to be great, Remy.
Because despite how you feel - your achievements speak for themselves.
For the first time in your life, your accolades can precede you.

You're not a fraud. You spent 3 years proving that.
You're gonna do just fine, just take the step up and out.

I lost my voice a while back.
And I found it again.

Where's MY Remy that tells me I'm gonna do great.
Right here, right fucking here.
I was wrong to think anyone else would ever fulfill that position.
Maybe that's what I have that makes me special.
Some voice in my head, some figure that inspires me.

The General that inspires me, and tells me to push forward.
Here he is, I just needed to let it come out once more.

Let's go back a little.
That time was filled with hardships, but with hope.
Now life is filled with despair but relative comfort.

Time to let that voice shine, time to rise up.
I have my base. I built the platform from which I launch my attacks.
Time to move forward.

It's been enough.

Post



Date:Monday, January 6th - 2:49AM
Thoughts on:

Even when I'm drunk.
I can't shake it off.

No, you're not okay.
No one is okay.

It's just a long list of self-aggrendazing lies.
How does anyone even feel in control without lying to themselves?

Oh yeah, rationalization.
Some stupid thing I told myself I wouldn't subscribe to...
... and every day, I use my expanded consciouscness
to feel the things for them that they cannot feel for themselves?

Fuck it.
Fuck your tiny existence.
Fuck your worthless, tiny world.

I hope you die happy.
I hope you feel like you conquered your tiny part of the world.
Inconsequential shits.

Post



Date:Friday, November 22nd - 5:37PM
Thoughts on:

You know what phrase I've dared not speak?
What thing I've never said to anyone?

What one feeling I hold in, so people won't feel like shit?
What one thing I feel ALL THE DAMN TIME, but never say it
for fear of hurting everyone's fucking feelings?

"We only talk when you're unhappy."

Where unhappiness is sadness, loneliness, confusion about life,
a lack of assurance, a desire for direction, a pat on the fucking back.

I've been holding it in for months.
I'm saying it today. Even if it's just on this journal,
even if no on reads it, there's a record.

I said the thing I'm pretty sure I could never say to anyone.
I wrote it out.
When I die, I want to make sure I actually expressed this somewhere.

Post



Date:Friday, November 22nd - 5:06PM
Thoughts on:

I'm sick of literally everyone in my life right now.
I've let my stupid quest to become my superego fucking ruin me.

I've let all of my relationships become about everyone else.
And my work is now about "See what you can get through the weekend."

I only take vacation time when I'm sick.

My only current work prospects are "Come work for a shitty company
where my boss makes millions off your work, and maybe I get a raise,
and also thanks for working through your weekend to get this done."

I can't quit my job because everyone will start giving me advice.
I can't depend on someone else because then they'll feel stressed
about my feeling bad.

I can't feel bad because that puts a strain on other people.
Oh what a bummer, Remy's feeling bad.

I don't even like myself anymore, that's the last person I wanna hang with.
"Hey Remy, why don't you play a videogame, or practice your instruments,
or do anything? No? How about a drink, but not just one, drink until you black out."
Fuck it. I want the ego-dissolving thing that puts me in catharsis.
I'm tired of feeling anything, and sick of thinking I should be working to feel
something positive because that's what I'm supposed to be doing.

Everything I do has some consequence where someone else feels bad.
Now I know why people are shitty, because this is what you become
when you try not to be.

The difference is whether or not shitty people have things you want.
And that's how you move around, by dealing with shitty people that
can maybe give you what you want, in some compromise you're cool with.

All of my time and effort yields no increasing dividends.
And what I do get? Whatever.

But this is the first time in a long time where I'm sick of everyone.
I don't want to talk to anyone. I'm tired of feeling like any time I
talk to anyone, it's my turn to give myself to their needs.

Even people who might care, people who might want to listen.
There literally is no such relationship where I can ask for help:
No one has any for me. Not even diversions.
I don't need your fucking "Sorry"s I feel sorry enough for myself.
Thanks for fucking nothing.

And I'm not in the mood to inflate anyone's ego anymore.
I feel so irritated. So stuck.

Post



Date:Wednesday, November 13th - 1:19AM
Thoughts on:

So, in a huge douchebag move - I've taken up music again.

I decided to buy an electric guitar.
It's been fun learning.
I haven't told anyone about it either.

It's weird because it's a little chore-like in the sense of practicing.
But at the end, I'm so pleased to hear exactly what I want to hear...
... getting a little better, a little closer to what I want to do.

Even if it's something dumb like rounding up a riff,
it's pleasure, it's really pleasing....

I spent 30 minutes decostructing and working the riff at the beginning
of Metallica's "Sad But True" and after some practice I had it.
It wasn't super clean, but I had cleaned up my tone a bit...

It's kind of really nice.
Tomorrow will be one week that I've had a guitar.
And I haven't had an experience where I wasn't pleased with myself at the end.
I dont give a fuck that no one else knows, or the amount of practice that goes
into me sounding slightly less like shit - it's the first thing I've had in a while
that is for me, and only for me - no one to criticize me because I haven't told anyone,
no one to give me shit about it, no one to compare myself to...

No shitty Facebook postings, no Instagram.
It's just me, and me sucking at guitar slightly less every day.

Post



Date:Tuesday, November 12th - 2:18AM
Thoughts on:

We live in an era where I can't dare ask for a muse.

I can't ask for one without there being relationship connotations...

I can't ask for inspiration in the form of dialogue without
it turning into something sexual... without someone's validation
of their existence turning into a case of "If I'm not good enough
to be by your side, why should I inspire you at all?"

Conversely, how much would feelings be hurt if I told
the same person I'm spending my life with that I'm looking
for outside sources of stimulation, of inspiration.

It's kind of a funny impasse.

Fuck me for wanting to find any novelty in humanity
without it turning into a fucking circus of people
wondering why I don't want to move them in with me,
or anyone asking why I can't be their everything.

Post



Date:Wednesday, October 16th - 12:31AM
Thoughts on:

You ever decide to depart from norms and just follow your feelings all the fucking time?

I've been doing it, and I don't know if it's good or not.
It certainly is living.

Just being open with myself,
Letting things be okay...

If I'm not up for it, I'm not up for it.
And if I am, I agree with things.

If I want something, I ask for it.
And if someone asks me for it, I don't just say "YES."
I weight whether or not I'm actually fine with it.

It's been fine.
I wanna see where it goes.
I feel good about everything.

Post



Date:Tuesday, October 8th - 12:45AM
Thoughts on:

At the end of the day, I'm not sure.
What will I say?

How will I excuse myself?
I'm afraid of change, but hate how it is now.

A mitigating step, maybe.
I don't know, I'm not really sure.

Post



Date:Monday, September 16th - 8:41AM
Thoughts on:

Why am I even trying to be King of the Shitpile?

It's like I'm trying to impress all the fucking clowns I hated in high school.
Except the difference is I'm trying to get in good so I can bang a few of them.

And that's just the thing, I'm not fucking going to.
I'm not banging any of these people.
So, why the goddamn setup?

You know, my last year at UNLV in 2010.
I made it a big stink to make friends.
To make as many friends as I could.

I wanted to be friends with everyone.
It was like my last hurrah to live out High School+
To be popular and to be liked.

You know what I got out of college?
I got a degree, a job, and a wife.
Why the fuck am I not happy?
The fuck is wrong with me that I'm reeling in this dumb bullshit?

Here I am on goddamn Girl Mountain.

And for fucking what?
I know who my friends are, I know where I need to keep up.
So, why in the fuck am I so haunted?

You know what I realized?
Caring is hard. And it's like I spend all my damn energy doing it.
Why? So I can genuflect to the memorial of some human soul?
Because it makes me a good person?

It's like the kind of people who read a fucking bible and think they're good people.
They're not good people, they're people who read a fucking storybook.
Are you feeding the hungry, are they helping the homeless?
Well, a few of them are, that's nice, that's something.
The rest? Fuck no, they're not.

So. Why?
Why am I sitting here in this self-imposed HELL
of putting myself out into this social sphere...
This sphere that has proven time, and time again
that it doesn't give a flying fucking SHIT about me.

You know who I should commend?
Mike fucking Patton.
A short man with big problems.
I liked him because he's real.
But I started disliking him when I realized how small he is.

I tried to talk with him once about how there's something bigger
than the individual, that there are people who care, maybe
even people who can help if he hangs in there.

He pretty much told me to fuck myself.
Where the fuck are his REAL friends when he needs them?
Where the fuck are people finding him a job?
Who's giving him money when he needs it.

It is what it is.
But - he's become that kind of low-life hustler that the empowered dregs
of Las Vegas find themselves becoming... you wake up drunk,
you toke up, have a little breakfast, then go grind.
And the grind determines your day.
You're happy if the grind was good to you and brought you tips.
Your day sucks if you grind for nothing.

And... that's the thing.
He lives so much of a high or a low on that.

And I do that exact same fucking thing.
With people, with friends.
I use the word friend for any acquaintance who finds me favorable.

But you know what I really learned to do in college?
I learned how to drink, I learned how to blend in,
and I learned how to stay out of the goddamn way.

None of that is inspiring.
Hell, all it's done is gotten me drinking a bit.
I'm like a piece of social scenery.

You know what?
I need to just learn to be FINE with that.

I have a distinct disconnect between the work I do and making relations.
I don't have coworker friends.
I don't have friends who become coworkers.

But everyone else does.
And you know why that is?
It's the simple fucking fact that your socioeconomic circle
is heavily influenced by the people you know, the people that you hang out with.

And the end result is that I don't ask anybody to get me a job.
I don't need fucking help doing any of that.
I also don't build clans.

You know how I know?
Because I was given the chance.
And I blew it off.

My stupid arcade friends.
The instant I stop hanging out, the instant I stop giving.
The farther away I get.

Because I literally can't just up and make a 4 hour road trip on a whim.
Because I dont work their goofy schedules.
I can't hang at a notice.

But it's in doing that, that you build your circle.
And as you get older, that circle is there to enforce
both the material rewards you're aiming for, as well as the social ones.
I've tried to separate them, and I'm butthurt when I can't have both.

So, there you have it.

The fact is that the money follows the circles.
I'm in a circle solely for pleasure, with no money involved.
I can't MAKE myself Queen Bee, but why should I?

And so my friends are lacking.
I guess. Whatever.
20 years ago, I'd be utterly alone.
20 years ago, no one was connected like this.

It is what it is.
I'm going to let it be.

Something something sociopathic tendencies.
Either that or a case of being a bad loser.
... mostly because I rarely lose.

Beh, I've gotta sort myself out a little bit.

Post



Date:Sunday, September 15th - 2:09AM
Thoughts on:

So, something that has leaned heavily on me in the last few days.

That sadists are people who will go out of their way to hurt people.
Sadists are people who ENJOY watching others suffer.

But why?
What's so funny about seeing other people reel?
What makes me say, "Boy, they're really gonna fucking feel this one."

Sometimes when I get stressed, I lash out at the world.
I say the most hurtful things, and am most satisfied when it brings displeasure.

Yet at the same time, my heart sinks when I learn about personal pain.
I empathize so hard with people in pain.

The neutral result is me laughing.
I laugh because I feel that someone is going through pain,
and I'm sorry that they had to... it's like there's this world
where the disconnect is that I can empathize with others...

I can feel their pain.
And at the same time, here I am, giggling over the most painful things I can be.
It's why I hate YOLO fags... because you can't say anything to shake them.
I could tell them that their entire life is a futile attempt, an absolute failure in the making...
And they just say "YOLO, YOU WON'T KNOW UNTIL I DIE."

When I get really mad, I just wish death on them.

It's noxious.
But... I don't really know.
I'm torn between feeling for other people,
and wanting them to feel pain.

I'm exhilarated by the pain others feel...
And I'm exhilarated by the pain I can cause.

This is horrible.
This feels fucking horrible.

Some days, I wish I didn't feel anything.
Some days, I wish my only urge was to eat and sleep.

I'm tired of feeling like I'm not doing enough.
Like everyone is shit.
Like everyone is just some miserable piece of shit.
Like I have to remind humanity that "they're only human."
Yet at the same time, live like I'm some smaller-scale Shiva.

I need a lobotomy.
I need to just stop feeling anything.
I could be less volatile. I could be anything else.

I look back.
And it's like the joke is on me.
I used to think the world about Dana.
And now, I'm everything she ever wanted me to be.

How hilarious she doesn't even know I exist.
That this me, this rotten, digusting me.
This me that wanted to feed her addiction to... well, whatever this shit is.

Is alive and well.

I hope to God she grew out of it.
I hope she found happiness in anything else but me.
And I hope she never knows this disgusting thing I've become.

Life is hilarious.
And life is short.

27 club. Here I come.

Post



Date:Friday, September 13th - 1:21AM
Thoughts on:

And today I went to sleep...

Refusing to tell the social justice warriors that their opinions don't matter.
That I held back from saying "Oh hey, your life is inconsequential...
You know how I know? Because what I say is worth more than
anything you've ever even breathed... but because I like you,
I won't shatter your tiny, incomplete, worthless bubble of reality."

I'm tired of being the king of the shitpile.
I'd rather be the mail-clerk on the route to the top.

You know what the shitpile's gotten me?
Nothing.

No worthless, lower-humans lips have touched my dick.
No inefficacious humans have become an investment towards my expansion...
For fuck's sake, I can't even get these worthless low-lifes
to get naked for me, to touch my junk for funsies.

I've been wasting my time.
Thinking I could invest in pleasure.
When really, the greateest pleasure is investing in others' pain.

Post



Date:Tuesday, September 10th - 3:44AM
Thoughts on:

You know why I'm mad?
You know why I'm depressed?

Do you know why I fucking hate my job?
It's because over 1 year ago, the best boss I ever had LEFT.
He fucking quit. He saw a sinking ship and left.

And you know who he took with him?
The best fucking guy on the team.

They both left, and I needed both of them.
Here I am, sitting, without the help I need.
I need BOTH of them to help me with what I do.
And no one's there.

This is why I'm stuck where I'm at.

I'm so fucking mad.
I'm so goddamned angry.
Why did they have to leave?

Ugh.
I'm fucking done.
Finish my projects, pass the torch, get the fuck out.

It's 2011 all over again.
At first I was scared I couldn't do well enough.
But Tim at least encouraged me. He always made me feel like I could do it.
And when I couldn't, he'd at least offer the advice or resources to make it happen.

Kim can't do that. She doesn't know how to.
She thinks "When can it get done?"
And when I don't know where to go "I don't know" isn't good enough.

At least when I was new - if I was scared, there was hope.
There was that hope that I'd work it out and move on to bigger and better things.

Not anymore.
Since I didn't come from tech support, I barely know the product.
I only know enough GENERAL STUFF to figure it out on the way.
I have so many questions, and never enough answers.

Of course, tech support knows where they need to go.
And my boss is also the QA manager.
That's where they go, it's all they do.

I'm stuck.
Even if I solve my problems, even if I finish my projects.
Everything I do is a goddamned band-aid to a problem from 4 years ago.
Apparently, my salary is just some booboo relief to someone else's
problem that it doesn't matter so much that they're getting fixed,
but it matters more that they're a "valued customer."

I'm at a dead-end.
I'm done, I'm really done.

Post



Date:Tuesday, August 20th - 1:24AM
Thoughts on:

I need to learn to focus deeply, then stop, and move on to the next bit.
Currently, I try to keep everything queued up and can't get deep into anything
without literally telling the rest of the world to get the fuck out of my line of sight.

Lately, I've been telling myself that I can do anything.
It's just my allotment of time...

Post



Date:Sunday, August 11th - 6:05PM
Thoughts on:

It seems like life is just about resource management.

I'd like to think I can have whatever I want.
I mean, there's literally nothing saying STOP to me.
The only nagging thing is that goofy, poverty-induced PTSD.

But it's been two years now.
It's fine. Sure, I can have everything I want.
And not have to live like a fucking freak to have it.
That's kind of the goal, I guess.

I need to stop min-maxing so damn much.
Everything is fine.

Hi, Journal.

Post



Date:Sunday, June 16th - 7:09AM
Thoughts on:

Hey Journal.

What's up?

Oh yeah. Feelings.

So, I've been doing this thing where I simply don't share my feelings with anyone.
Truth be told, it's actually working.

To be honest, it's like if I have any negative feelings,
a lot of people become unsecure... and then I start resenting people.
"Oh, I'm sorry, is my having feelings making you think I won't perform?"

Fuck being a person, right?

Can I tell people that I can feel things,
and that when I do, that it's okay, I'll work through them.
I'm not even asking for help. Just space and time.

It's like I'm a goddamn robot.
A crippled robot.

It's been 10 years now since I started this journal.
Remember when I used to experience things?
And now I just push it down, deep deep down.

It's part of being an adult.
But I sure as fuck don't feel like I live in an adult world.
Unless of course, managing the entire world's insecurities is part of being an adult.

Oh, yeah, it is.

Everyone's just looking for relief.
Some intersection of the present and future being okay.

It's fine.
I think I can manage.
Just, sometimes, I feel bitter. Like I do now.

Why can't I hold everyone else to the same standard I hold myself?
It's like "Look, just stop what you're doing. See how I deal with this?
Great, now you do EXACTLY what you see me doing right here."

Man, that sounds egotistic, narcissistic, insane.
Delicious.

Fine, yes.
You, world, yes you...
Just do what I'm doing.
We'll all learn to resent each other less if we do.

Post



Date:Wednesday, March 27th - 1:25AM
Thoughts on:Hope

It's not often that I have awesome days, but sometimes I do.

What did I do today? I lived my awesomely stable, domestic life.
A friend of mine from California came down and helped me get set up with a hacked Xbox 360.
My work went great today, a 2 month project I've been on came through an amazing breakthrough...
... like, as in I may be able to get out of a project I fucking hate, and into one I might love.

I came home to my wonderful fiancee who...
... Well, she played the role perfectly... because she respects me so much.
She didn't get angry that my friend (who I never see) made a trip out to see me,
and didn't get jealous about the hours we spent doing shit she can't stand.
But for me, she stifled it. And she didn't hate me for it.

She said to herself, "Well, this is something he really needed, I'll let him have it."
It's amazing.

I'm starting to come to grips with Gemini closing.
Here's hoping it's not temporary...
... But a lot of things are gonna change...
Everything in my life is gonna be more convenient, and even more intimate.
I'll hang out with Mike more at his house, and maybe other people will come
to my apartment. Sure, maybe to play some IIDX or the other arcade games
coming into my spare room, but they'll stay because I'm not a shitty person to hang with.

Gemini will hopefully reopen.
I'll be at home to do my projects...
I'll keep performing just fine at work...
And Natalie will have a space to make her personal goals a reality.

Everything's gonna be fine.
I'm slowly becoming one of those adults who does their things,
works nice with the rest of the world, and is generally a net-positive
on the rest of humanity - that automatically makes me feel good about myself,
and it possibly even makes me better than the rest of humanity.

The best thing to have is hope.
Maybe the worst thing is to not have any.
At the very least, hope tells you that you don't have to settle for complacency.
Maybe it even says that the path you've laid out for yourself is working out.

2012 was the year that the plan I made in 2010 proved itself to work.
2013 may hopefully be the year I prove that I can continue to expand on what I've done.

It's a great feeling.

Post



Date:Sunday, February 10th - 4:29AM
Thoughts on:

There's something about wanting to find a place
in your local community, being important to a society as a whole.

For some, it means making a large network of friends
to hang out with.... people who accept you for you.
For others, it's a case of finding people who think
you're special just for being yourself....

What do you do when you're none of those?
What do you do when the only thing you latch onto
is, itself, either corrupt, or just plain saturated?

I've surrounded myself with an entire network of people...
And all of these people simultaneously reach out to the entire
rest of the world around them for attention and sit there bashing,
berating, lashing at a bunch of other people doing the same thing.

A bunch of sad, pathetic, miserable fucks....
Friends with only sad, pathetic, miserable fucks....
All of them trying to satisfy their egos...
By trying to inflate their own self-worth to society
And simultaneously saying anyone else's accomplishments aren't
really all that special... no, they're not special at all.

Fine. Fuck me.
I admit it. I'm in their group.
I'm with them.

Naturally, I feel like all I need to do to get out is to simply be the best.
But no. That doesn't solve it.That doesn't end it.

The end of the day has to be this.
I need to just be here for myself.
For the things that make me a better me.

You know what phrase keeps coming up?
"It's lonely at the top."

Fine, so I graduate to the top of the class of worthless shits.
So I become King Of Shit.
What then?

I don't even want to talk about my anxiety problems.
The terrible fears that cripple me and stop me from
even doing relatively simple things...

Because I want to be perfect.
And you know what? My description of "perfection"
falls along the lines of "Hey, okay, that was pretty good!"

I don't even know where to turn now.

I need to stop being a little girl.
Or something.
Ask me if I even lift.
Whoops, I don't.

Who do I even talk to?

Post



Date:Friday, January 25th - 2:14AM
Thoughts on:

My entire body.
Flooded with feelings.
Most of them negative.

WELP, time to be that strong figure everyone else complains about
they have to be all the damn time even though they really aren't...

One of the things I hate about life and other people.
Is that if I want to manipulate other people into doing what I want,
is that 99% of that is simply being what I want them to be...
... that way, their untrained unconscious forces them
to mirror that back at me... you know, so they don't feel weird.

So, that's cool that I'm really good at that.
You know, twisting people so I get what I want.
But what if Idon't want to have to pretend... then what?

Is there I can just tell people: "Be happy."
Without having to take the painful step of me being happy for them?

I don't think there is.

Post



Date:Wednesday, January 16th - 7:01PM
Thoughts on:

So, 2013 starts off with a BANG for me.
The cab that Kenchan bought and that I've been maintaining at Gemini
is now officially mine - So, my pet project is now my baby.

It turns out that I can get a brand new 2 player control panel,
with the buttons and the harness for a delicious $200...
So, yeah, that's on my list of things.

PC Gaming is cheaper than ever now...
Budgeting for a nice PC pretty much right now.
Q4/Q1 is the best time to buy electronics as people clear the shelves for new models.

I'm probably going with an AM3+ or an FM2 build.
I actually talked with one of the design engineers for Intel.
I asked him if they were going to continue to support LGA 1155...
Even though the first new mobo design from Intel in 5 years is coming out this fall.
5 years in computer years is like 50 years in people years.

He said they may plan to continue support for the enthusiasts.
But really, will they? Also AMD's prices are way too fucking sexy.

Speaking of sexy, I finally bought a new car.
This next gen Altima is a bit weak, and an Accord was out of my price range.
We ended up kinda splitting it down the middle and went for a Mazda6.
It's roomy, drives fine, got a lot of great reviews.
Also, the cost of repair for this generation Mazda6 is almost
guaranteed to be cheaper than the cost of repair of an equivalent Altima.

The kicker was the crazy price and the mileage.
4801 miles on it, and after a fatty down and badass financing,
I was able to get it for $209 a month for six years.
Obviously we'll pay it off sooner, but if the badtimes hit,
I know we'll be able to breathe a little easier with such a low payment.
That and my Sentra is totally paid off and running fine.
==================================

My work has FINALLY gotten out of shit mode.
Kinda.

We just got out of version 9.7.9, but now the bosses
are spitting flames at us for not having 9.8 in alpha.

Really? Even though they knew we were ironing out shit in 9.7.9,
they thought the schedule for 9.8 would stay the same?
Either way, my boss is taking a ton of shit.
And until we get 9.8 into the field as first ACTUAL release,
we won't be getting a break... let alone raises or anything else.

I finally learned to calm down a bit.
I had to lower my anxiety by just YOLOing through things.
And you know what? The 95% approach works fine for most things.
Not only that, but I forgot my own capacity to blaze through things.

I'm really slow getting the 100%, maybe slower than most people.
However, I sincerely believe that my ability to hit the 95% in most
things has become really good... just gotta get that ball rolling.
======================================

Project managers can suck a fucking dick, though.
I have way too many project manager-type friends who
hit me up with their business ideas... they basically think:
"Look, I call the shots and you do all the work."

They don't realize they're saying it because the planning part hurts their brains.
Oh yeah, don't worry, you just come up with a vague idea
and I'll just flesh out all of the details and implement the entire solution.

Right.
Yeah, that sounds fair to me.
Fuck that. If I'm going to be that - if I'm going to do a 1099 for shit like that?
No fuck them. They can pay me $90 an hour for that shit.

Because really, they think this is shit I'll do for fun -
With more time than I have to spare, and still be able to do my job?

And then they give me shit along the lines of
"Man, you could make so much more money."

What I never say is that I really feel in my heart of hearts that
I'm smarter than they are... that if I could find a way to make big
money JUST like they said I could, I would already be fucking doing it.

Oh yeah, no, I'm just some dumb programmer.
I'm a dumb guy who just slings code.
I don't learn the verticals for which I'm working for.
Nope. You be the brains and I've got the looks, let's make lots of money.

Sure.

What it is, is that I'm tired of my friends projecting their desperation onto me.
The poor ones pissed because they can't make the money they want...
And then they give me shit like "Well, you were smart, you stuck through college."
Yeah, no fucking shit I stuck through college... how else could I NOT be
in the exact same situation you are?

And then the ones who tell me I was lucky.
Fuck them. I know exactly how much privilege I enjoyed.
Still, not nearly as much as others.

But I'll say this - there's a reason why I got a job and others didn't out of college.
I didn't just go to classes then go right home.
Nope, I went to classes, I learned my shit at home,
I made myself marketable to REAL employers with SERIOUS needs.
I learned to use the tools people use in the field.
I trained myself to get the jobs I wanted.

Other people didn't.
When I read articles on WSJ or the internet in general..
They reveal dumb shit like "Employers can't get enough workers."
It's not because there's a lack, but because there's something
DISTINCTLY unfair happening - employers want skilled workers.
They want people they can drop into projects and hit the ground running.

And it's true in MANY industries.
Accounting, finance, business management, computer-anything.

It's why Tushar Chopra got a job straight out of ITT.
Even though his computer science degree is worthless,
and he literally can't even program, let alone DO actual computer science,
He got a job before he graduated which pays more than mine does.

ONLY because he:
1.) Got into an industry where there's a LOT more money flying around (gaming)
2.) Can manage the teams in India on account of him being Indian.
What specific Indian? I don't know, but the Indian he says he can manage.
3.) His family runs a chain of convenience stores.

Done. Those are all skills he has I don't.
Not only that, but for people looking for project managers in any tech industry,
he's actually WORTH more than me in these kind of things.
Gaming is a shoddy business because they want things done quick and cheap.
They don't care so much about "Good" just HURRY HURRY HURRY.

He's perfect for it.

So, between, him, Alex, a coworker of mine, my friend Erick,
Gemini and my own research into opening a small business...
I am downright STEAMED about trying to do any business shit at all.
=====================================

I quit Facebook for a few weeks before Christmas and New Years.
I just got sick of everyone's cycle of being lonely, hating life,
then drinking and everything being fucking amazing.

People get bipolar during Christmas.
And really, that desperation shit.

Like I said, a lot of people come to me with their personal problems.
Part of it is because I'm open and I don't judge.
Part of it is because I know when to open my mouth,
and when to be a sounding board...
More than anything, I'm friendly and people feel comfortable opening up to me.

I'm doing less of that now.
This is going to sound disgusting, but I really don't care:
I know how to empathize with people, and I do so for favors.
If I win someone's favor, great I got them in my book.

But I'm friends with way too many self-absored people.
I don't sincerely think I could ever ask anyone to do ANY favors for me.
Hell, people can barely remember to invite me to parties,
but hey, Remy, I notice it's 1AM and you're drunk and playing
Facebook games - let's talk about my quarterlife crisis for 2 hours.

I changed that.
And the funny bit is that these self-absorbed people didn't even notice.
So, it's fine with me.

I've gone from "I do nice shit to people so I can make friends."
To "I do nice shit for people so I can be really creepy for fun."
I'll probably get sick of watching people throw up.
But let's stop pretending I care so much.

The attitude now is "I do this for fun, but I don't owe you shit."
I do have legitimate friends, and even people who are friendly
for me because they want to tap me for knowledge, advice or favors.
But they always thank me, and I'm cool with that.

It's everyone else.
I'm straight-up saying that I'm in it for the beer and miniskirts
and they don't get that I'm joking. And I don't care.
============================

So, life is good.
I've become a much nastier person over the last year.
And it's fine. It's okay, I think.
I don't lose anything by being nice.

And you know what?
People are fine with fake nice vs. genuine nice.
Even if I'm fake nice, no one wants to be a jerk to a nice guy.
And I don't stick around long enough for strangers to get what I'm doing.

Yeah, maybe it's a bit sociopathic.
But it's the kind of sociopathic that doesn't hurt anyone.
It's the kind of sociopathic that lets me bathe in my narcissism...
... And nobody stops me because no one THINKS they need to stop me.

It's gross.
But it works better this way.
I'm certainly happier now that I'm a little more in touch with myself.

That, and society is certainly rewarding me handsomely.
I have a great apartment, I got Gemini, I got my Astro City there,
I've got Natalie, I try to keep her happy as best I can, and I've got
a pretty solid foundation to continue being happy.

Post


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