| bleh |
[27 Aug 2003|10:14pm] |
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mood |
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 disappointed |
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music |
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evanescence-going under |
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i dunno how i really feel right now. everything seems rly strange and out there. everyone seems to not enjoy my company or something at lunch and ppl dont really ask to hang out with me so i end up sitting alone. im one of those ppl whos presence needs to be felt or i wont stay in one place too long. i feel like only a few of my friends really truly appreciate my company so its hard to find ppl to hang iwth at lunch cuz i guess cuz i really didnt feel welcome anywhere but alone. i kinda feel like no one really wants to hang out with me and me alone without other ppl there. its weird how i think i kno cuz that person writes in their diary about how awesome their lunches are with other friends but not with me when i try to be a good entertaining happy person which isnt always the easiest thing ever. some of my friends dont really seem to want to hang out with me or like the genuine me, whatever that may be...but i just feel a little hurt lately cuz i seem to annoy ppl when im too talkative and bore ppl when im quiet or a bit talkative. i hate this...everything lately seems so fucked up.
maybe i should just be a bitch to everyone and maybe ppl will appreciate the old me.
My Immortal
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| skankin nirvana kitties.? |
[23 Aug 2003|12:02pm] |
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mood |
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 guilty |
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music |
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alkaline trio-fatally yours |
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i feel rly shitty right now. i read mickeys diary and i tried to leave comments about how sorry i was that all of this shit kinda happened or w/e. it wont rly let me make comments for some weird reason cuz it says i have to verify my email adress or some shit like that. anyone kno wat 2 do?
hmm. so yeah. i feel really bad for julia and my not being friends anymore making alli and mickey suffer cuz things wont be the same. i dont necessarily care that julia and i arent friends anymore cuz it was a mutual thing but i feel really bad for making things more difficult or w/e. it doesnt mean that we cant hang out with e/o anymore ...it just might be a lil difficult cuz they will have to make plans with me one day adn her another day or something. i realized how much things have changed over the summer....some good changes and some bad. i really dunno. it seems like in forever have i talked ot julia and i kinda missed the way it used to be....but im not gonna bend over backwards for her and apologize for the way i felt..and i think its a lil bit immature for us to be fighting about some stupid journal entry...but that was basically a journal entry that kinda reflected how she felt about friends or w/e and made it seem like the end of the world when i was still around and i was spossedly "her bestest friend"? hmm. its all really dumb but this was bound to happen sooner or later. and i want everyone to realize that ppl do grow apart....ppl do change...and wheather or not u want it to happen. it will. i certainly dont appreciate ppl saying shit about me either...so i chose not to be friends with that person and just live my life with the wonderful ppl i still have. im truly sorry to anyone who feels this drama as sort of uncomfortable and unbearing but plz try to understand, sometimes its not that we'd rather not be friends..its the fact that we have both changed alot and have done alot of immature things which id rather not mention for the sake of julia and i cuz it was pretty fucking dumb yet she still denies doing her part. oh well and w/e. wat can i do?
no matter what, my awesome friends are the ones ultimately suffering and i realize that. i just really dont kno what to do cuz im obviously not gonna apologize for anything i said cuz she had said some fucked up stuff to so i dont feel i need to. but before i knew about it i called her house to apologize but she had paige pick up the phone cuz she knos i dont like her or something...which was immature to do once AGAIN. but u kno...ive gotta let ppl make their own choices and hers was to not talk to me and thats perfectly fine. but im not gonna try again to repair a friendship that wasnt working half the time anyways and a friendship that the other person wont take some of the blame for making it end and thats fine for me. im over it but when i read mickeys diary and it says that i just feel horrible cuz i love my friends to death and the last thing i want is to make them feel badly for something julia and i did ourselves. id rather not talk about this whole fight thing but i kinda feel it needs to be adressed in a way to make my friensd understand WHY it ended...and i took my part in it too...only other ppl did not and STILL to this day think that they were completely innocent of this.
but remember...it takes TWO friends to end a friendship and become enimies. one to put the blame, one to ignore the other when trying to fix something...and one of those ppl to not be mature about it and to not talk shit. but we both did immature thigns and id rather not say cuz ppl will just deny it. so w/e. i just wish we were all a lil bit more understanding b/c none of this would have happened if we were being more mature and understanding of the others feelings. but then again its over and im fine with that now. i just wanted to say sorry to my friends who have to deal with the fact that we wont have the same group of friends anymore...but thats the fault of two ppl but im gonna apologize for my part. i love my friends soo much and im truly sorry i had to put them through this. =0
i luv u guys!
.diana.
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| new journal |
[19 Aug 2003|12:09pm] |
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mood |
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 tired |
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music |
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audiovent-the energy |
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idk why but i decided i needed another journal to add to the 3 i already have cuz its fun damnit! so yeah...this is exactly like my deadjournal. right now im waiting and waiting for someone to call me to tell me sara is okay. i couldnt sleep that well last night cuz of that and cuz my nose hurt alot but i already took too much vicodin and i didnt want to od and die so i didnt take ne more. =) lol. right now im sitting in my brothers room waiting for my asshole dad to leave. i have friends on this site already ! yay for me! ha. i added lydia, mickey, gaki, alli. look look i have 4 friends! right now im just really fuckin happy my nostrils got bigger..lol....i was talkign to gaki about it yesterday....and she knos for a fact i was happy as hell. mmkay...since i got my guaze off i can smell realy really well and right now the whole house stinks and ive been telling everyone to shower cuz i cant stand the smell of anythin around here! sdhfshf my face hurts.
okie. so i decided im going to see all of the ppl i miss befoe skewl...it seems a lil impossible right now but it will work out. skewl is in less than a week! man im screwed czu i slack off wayy to much. i slacked off last year too but i still did pretty decent and all. hmph. lenna, me and jennifer are going to go to act sat classes so our asses dont fail those important things...im freaking out about that and its at the end of the year . im a freak. ahh...now my brain hurts. add me pplz!
luv yaz.
.diana.
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