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Entry From Dec. 10th, 2004 [23 Dec 2004|02:36pm]
[ mood | sick ]
[ music | TRUSTCompany Downfall ]

I'm gonna miss sitting in here (Contemporary Issues)... this class has actually been fun! It's hard to believe that it's SO close to Christmas... I wish my dad weren't such a dickwad... I really want Drew to spend the night on Christmas Eve and be there as soon as I wake up on Christmas morning... I don't see what my dad's deal with drew is... I fucking HATE that guy! He's always looking for any little flaws he can possibly find. Why is he such a mother fucker!? He talks all of this hypocrtic bullshit and "aww, he don'tw anna lose me when I turn 17!" Well he's well on his fucking way to losing me for fucking ETERNITY if he doesn't change his bullshit ass ways! He made me want to slice myself up into pieces SO bad yesterday! Yesterday sucked... I'm terrified of getting htis surgery... I want Drew to be there. Why does my dad have to be such an asshole? I think he's jealous of Drew. He knows how much I love Drew and care about him and he knows I completely despise that mother fucker! I mean... I'm having fucking SURGERY! It's only wisdom teeth, but STILL! It's SURGERY! They're gonna put me to sleep... What if I never wake up!? I don't want his punk ass to be the last person I saw! I want it to be Drew! God, I love him SO much! I can't wait until we can spend forever together... just the 2 of us... That will be so awesome! I don't want for Drew to see me all stupid and drooley looking and junk with no makeup and jewelry and my mouth pryed all wide open and junk... I hate my teeth and it'd suck for them to be all in the spotlight with him sitting right there... I wonder how I'll be on laughing gas... LOL... It's gonna suck waking up with gauze and shit in my mouth... And the IV in my hand... I'm terrified of that... piercings don't bother me... but when there's a needle with a tube hooked to it, pumping stuff into my body... that's just WAY different! I don't want to have it done... but I know I have to...

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Entry From 12/10/04 [23 Dec 2004|06:25pm]
[ mood | ditzy ]
[ music | TRUSTCompany Falling Apart ]

It's so hard to believe how fast this year has gone by. Drew and I have been together long enough to have a kid, had I gotten pregnant when we very 1st got together. 9 months isn't too far from a year... 3 more months... I know we'll make it... We BETTER anyway... I love him SO much... God, he better not break my heart. That would kill me. I really can't believe how fast this year's gone by! I mean... it's almost Christmas again. Last year this time I was hardcore into punk. Sex Pistols... Ramones... Rancid... the Clash... the Casualties... all of the good punk bands... This year I'm more into metal and stuff like Slipknot and stuff like Tool & A.P.C. I'm actually more universal in my tastes now. This time last year, if it wasn't preaching straight up rebellion and anarchy, I didn't want to hear it! LOL... I'm glad that i'm willing to explore and appreciate more types of music than punk and metal now... As for instance... I'm listening to Coldplay now... "Clocks"... I LOVE this song... It's very special to me... I see beauty in many other genres nowadays... Anyway... this is gay! Why am I talking about it? I guess because I can... I'm just bored... I love Christmas music. The feeling of Christmas Spirit is absolutely wonderful! I can't wait for Drew adn I to be able to celebrate it in our own unique way! That will be so great! Listening to "Mambo #5" and watching everyone frollick around the gym is funny... I really wish Drew didn't hate DJ so much... DJ is no threat to him at all... I'd never ever have feelings for him... He's one of the coolest people here at Lockhart... one of the ONLY few actually. I mean... I can understand how the 1 time DJ and I "talked" but we were never together and I NEVER CRUSHED on him... Drew and that Crystal chick were together for awhile... actually going out and they're still friends... I hate the fact that he ever even just messed around with anybody before me... kissing is bad enough... He's just my property... I want him ALL to myself!!!

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Entry From Dec. 12, 2004 [23 Dec 2004|06:40pm]
[ mood | dreary ]
[ music | TRUSTCompany Figure 8 ]

Well, it's almost midnight and I'm laying here listening to Hanson's Christmas C.D and missing Drew. God, Drew almost made me cry tonight... A GOOD kind of cry... I am SO lucy to have him! Geez, I'm so friggin' sleepy! I have no idea why! I suck now! I used to be able to stay up until 3 or 4 in the morning! Now I always crash out around 12 or 1. I was gonna take a Norco... but I'm not severely in pain right now... they really need to last... I hope Drew and Rob are right and they will call more in! I'm still kinda noid about the surgery... It will have to be AFTER Christmas though... which is cool.... I want more pills and time out of school! I wish I could get a constant supply of those and sell them! I bet I could make some really fast cash! I want Drew to hurry up and get back on his feet... I hate him being stuck in the horrible position that he's in... I wish I could help him more... I really wish he'd take my stuff back and put that money towards car funds and what not... He's hard headed when it comes to that though... LoL... I love him SO much! I'm really glad that I got to see him on Friday... I hate the circumstances though... Our dad's BOTH need to be SHOT! It's fucke dup that Drew had to sleep outside in the freezing cold! GOD! They need to fucking DIE! Long, slow, completely MISERABLE deaths! I feel bad for not showing Drew a whole lot of emotion that night... but that pill had me completely fucked up! I know Drew really loves me alot to go through all of this bullshit ALL of the time... JUST TO SEE ME... I'm SEVERELY tired... I'm dozing off... I'll write more tomorrow!

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Dec. 13th, 2004 [23 Dec 2004|07:34pm]
[ mood | mellow ]
[ music | TRUSTCompany Fear ]

I had a lot of stuff that I wanted to write about last night, but I kept crashing out... SuXoRs! A lot of that stuff goes all the way back to Friday... Like the whole cutting deal... I wish Drew weren't so bothered by that... We'd always talked about cutting each other and drinking the blood... especially during making love... I thought he'd like the fact that I cut myself for him... Especially my chest... I dunno... that confused me... A lot of the time I don't even cut myself to release pain... I love to watch my blood and feel the blade go through my skin... Not TOO deep though... It just fascinates me... It makes me feel ALIVE... I dunno... I want to do it all of hte time... There's some sort of gratification in that for me... I hope Drew doesn't mind that once we start living together... When we do... I REALLY want him to cut me... Prefereably on my chest... That is my favorite place to cut... I really didn'tw ant Drew to leave on Friday night... I wish he could have cuddled right up next to me and held me all night... safe and warm... I feel so shitty... I feel like it was my fault that he had to sleep outside.... I feel like a lot of the hell he goes through is my fault... And if it weren't for me, he wouldn't have to worry about all of it and he wouldn't have so many problems... I feel like I drag him down a lot of the time... I love him SO much... I know it's A LOT of me to ask him, but I REALLY pray that he doesn't give up. I wouldn't for him... Maybe I'm just selfish... BUT I CAN'T HELP IT!! I love him so much... I would give my life for him! I just need him SO much and it hurts so bad to be away from him... For even a little bit... I have so much love for him that I feel like I could explode... Sometimes I wish I could to show what's inside because it's unexplainable... It really bothers me that I can't ever find the right words to explain my love... It drives me crazy! I love him SO much! Saturday was just depressing... my dad is such a dick! I HATE him SO much... This book will probably end up being 90% full of how much I hate that bastard! I NEEDED Drew so bad Saturday and he said he needed me too and I feel like the biggest piece of shit in the world because I couldn't be there for him... I feel like our conversation brought us even closer... I hate it that he felt like we were falling apart... I would NEVER change my feelings for him... EVER! It kinda struck a nerve with me when he said it takes a filthy pesron to be cold hearted and not care, because I don't... I don't feel bad about being mean... It kinda bothered me that it "made him feel bad" about trying to get to Melissa. There's a voice inside tormenting me... It's always telling me that somewhere down inside, he still cares about her... That kills me... I tell myself it isn't true, but somethings always telling me he does and that I'm not good enough... I fucking HATE that voice inside... I KNEW she was gonna get in touch with him... I told him that a while ago too... I figured when he added Matt that he was going to be mean to him, so I was pretty suprised when he was nice to him. I really wasn't trying to get him to argue with me... I just wanted him to vent... I believe he would have felt a WHOLE lot better if he had went off on me... I just want to be there for him in every single way! When we're living together, if it makes him feel better to pick up a steak knife and cut me, I want him to do that... It makes me feel better to blow up on someone whenever I'm angry, but I avoid doing that to him. Whenever I hurt, I want everyone else to suffer. I feel like they deserve it... I have never really kept anything other than the fact that I was bi-sexual and how I am to people from him... I was scared he'd hate me for being that way... Plus I didn't want him to not want me to hang out with anybody... I'm far more prone to find girls attractive than guys... I really wish Drew wouldn't worry and feel threatened by my guy friends... I wouldn't EVER cheat on him with ANYBODY... but DEFINITELY not a guy. I never did do anything more than kiss a girl, but before I met him, I always wanted to try stuff with a girl... I never had feelings of love or emotion... it was more of the idea of everything of the act... I feel slutty for ever feeling like I wanted that... I NEVER felt that about a guy, except Drew... I believe sex is something for 2 people IN LOVE... but I don't really see 2 girls together as sex... more just fooling around... still it's wrong I guess... I feel abd for ever even THINKING about it... I don't even like the idea of Drew even thinking another girl is even attractive, muchless fooling around with anybody... I hate knowing that i've ever felt some things about girls that I have... Ugh... I wish I could erase it alll... It makes me feel better knowing that Melissa was the ONLY person he's ever messed around with... I just wish he hadn't have told me 3... That hurts bad enough that he did with Melissa, muchless 2 other girls! So what if other girls didn't want him! Nobody better not eer TRY to have him! I would want him if every other girl in the world despised him and told me I shouldn't... FUCK EVERYBODY ELSE! I don't live my life by everyone else's tastes... I love him SO much! It felt so good to sit and discuss stuff like how we're gonna raise our kids and what not... I can't wait until we're living together and married and starting a family... I really can't wait until it's just him and me... things are gonna be so awesome!

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December 13th, 2004 [23 Dec 2004|07:36pm]
[ mood | depressed ]
[ music | TRUSTCompany Finally ]

Last night, Drew and I talked about being taken advantage of and being molested and raped. I get the feeling that Rob and Jeff both would do something like that... Ever since Drew told me that Melissa said Rob was molesting her in her sleep and she woke up, I hate her less... I don't like her because she took something that belonged to me... but it made me feel differently about her... It was messed up of him to do that to her... He really does strike me as someone who would... I'm just going to stop... before I start to allow myself to feel sympathy for her and some sort of relation or connection... I really didn't want to come out and say I felt that way about Rob because that's one of Drew's best friends... I get the same feeling about Matt, Jeff... Mickey's a perv, but I don't believe he'd ever force himself on someone unwilling... BUT, I do believe if she was drunk and willing, (only because she was drunk), he would use her... Gary doesn't strike me as someone who would... Doug doesn't... he'd rather waste his time playing video games and smoking pot... I don't know about Timmy... from what I know about Toes... he may be that way... Travis Baxley is someone who would be like that... I KNEW there was something about Betty's boyfriend Gregg, that I hated... I fucking KNEW it! I warned her and she ignored my fucking warning! He fucking molested her last night! She came out the door crying this morning and something otld me not to be completely coldhearted to her today... I KNEW this would happen! She should have taken my fucking advice! She doesn't even want to tell anybody! She's so stupid! What a dumb bitch! If she doesn't it WILL happen again! I KNEW I didn't like that guy! Especially when he started saying shit about ME! He has the same aura as Cory... I fucking KNEW it! Fucking BASTARD! What man tucks his girlfriend's 15 year old daughter in? Why does she come crying to me when she ignored my warning? Is that what she's gonna next time around too?! FUCK THAT!!!

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12/13/04 [23 Dec 2004|07:46pm]
[ mood | melancholy ]
[ music | TRUSTCompany Take It All ]

Omen is SO fucking hyper! I just thought about something... I curse ALOT... Oh well... I wanna see this cat on cat nip or something... It's INSANE! I really miss Drew... I wonder if I'll get my money from Rob, Michael, and Ashley by this weekend.... Hopefully! Because I want to get Drew that JtHM sign for Christmas. I wish I had $1,000,000 to spend on JUST HIM! It really pissed me off tonight when Gregg got on the phone trying to talk to me... That fucking bastard! I don't really want Jessica spending the night over here... I want everybody to see how loco Omen is though! She is completely nuts! She's all trying to climb my fucking curtains tonight! I really want ot see "A Series of Unfortunate Events" It seems like it'd be quite entertaining....

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Dec. 14th, 2004 [23 Dec 2004|07:53pm]
[ mood | discontent ]
[ music | TRUSTCompany Hover ]

I don't want to go to 4th block... I fucking HATE that class! But we have to disect shit and I didn't bring any rubber gloves... Mrs. Jones is a fat ass bitch who thinks she's all high and mighty and bullshit! I miss Drew! I wonder how long it's gonna be before this Norco kicks in... Something that really hurts is when youy have a mouth full of coke and hiccup at the same time! I wonder what that laughing gas is gonna do for me! LOL... I dunno... This whole Jessica and Gregg deal just isn't adding up... Betty is a fucking lunatic! If I even THOUGHT there MIGHT be the slightest possibility that happening to my child, I'd fucking do something about it. That shows what a shitty parent she is... FUCK IT! I don't care! It's her problem... NOT MINE... I'm tired of people coming to me with their bullshit! They all wanna come crying to me when the world comes crashing down on them... FUCK THAT! I'll fucking dance on the fucking rubble! I'm tired of the world and all it's problems... people act like they have it so fucking bad... for stupid reasons! They don't even know fucking problems! Live my fucking life and they'll be introduced to fucking problems! I'm constantly getting fucking smited!

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Dec. 16, 2004 [23 Dec 2004|08:04pm]
[ mood | predatory ]
[ music | TRUSTCompany Running From Me ]

Get the fuck over it bitch! Daddy's dead... according to your religion he's in HELL... BURNING! I'm sure daddy's REAL fucking proud of you! Isn't he!? Trying to be all, "OMG, OMG my fucking life's so tragic! I'm fucking dark and evil... fucking, give me sympathy dark ones! Anybody, help! HELP! Don't fucking DO something about it that might stop it though! Let me fucking stand up for what "hurts" me when you try to!" People like that DESERVE to complete their task when they attempt suicide. I can't fucking wait! I hope she eats with us because we're gonna fucking tear her right the fuck down at lunch... so she can cry the rest of the fucking day! LOL!!!

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