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MaMi_sOiNlOvEwItCjR

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ThOuGhts 2 [24 Jun 2004|11:04am]
[ mood | depressed ]
[ music | "Everytime" By Britney Spears ]

One.Two.Three.Four.Five.Six.Seven.Eight.Nine.Ten.Eleven.Twelve.Thirteen.Fourteen.Fifteen.Sixteen... Sixteen years of PAIN! Hated and put down for so many different reasons, ever since I was a little girl and never really received all the love I really needed... That is what my life has been... never known such happiness until now...


A while ago, a guy who was young and so gorgeous walked into my life... and little did I know that he would bring such happiness to my life and such an immense amount of fulfillment and love. Matter of fact, I didn’t even know we would end up being together and when we did get together, I thought it would only be a temporary thing... I mean, who believes in long distance relationships, right? Wrong! This guy was like a mystery to me at first, a calling to my curiosity. He was someone who I was striving to understand. As I began to unfold all of the aspects of him and who he was as a person... I began to fall for him with every word he spoke, every word he wrote, and every thought of him. I was falling... and I mean falling DEEP in love with him. It was so weird because when he came to me, I was so depressed... pretty much gone off the deep end, ready to give up on life completely. I didn’t believe that I was capable of loving someone anymore and I was so sure that nobody would ever love me again. LOVE... it didn’t exist in my eyes! He was the type of guy who wouldn’t let anyone get the best of him... he held fast to what he wanted and wouldn’t have it any other way. He was a very strong character of little emotion that would refuse to succumb to the habits of a person in love. It just wasn’t him, but he began to change all of a sudden. He used to say he loved me when we first got together, and I would always say “Don’t say you love me unless you mean it.” I was tired of being told that lie and like I said, I didn’t believe anyone could love me. He stopped for awhile, but then one day, he said it again and I was kind of upset, because I didn’t know he meant it this time and I said the same thing to him over again and then he told me he loved me for real. I was so happy inside. I didn’t know what to do... to show my happiness or keep my calm and for some reason, I shut him out even though he was opening up to me... I told him I didn’t love him in return... but of course I did. I had such a passion for this young man inside my heart that was so warm and tender and just begging to be set free, but I wouldn’t allow it... I was so tired of getting hurt. Finally, I had told him one day that I did love him too and that I was so happy to be with him. It was like ever since that day is when things started to change... for the better of course. One day in one of his letters, he told me that he didn’t know how but he was falling in love with me. My heart stopped and I was so speechless when I read it. I panicked, almost scared of getting too attached, but I didn’t care anymore... I realized that I LOVE HIM and that is just how it is. He is so special in my eyes... and never have I ever known such love other than what he has given me. He brought my soul back to life and made my heart beat again. I want to spend the rest of my life with him.


I hope I can hold on to him forever because when he is gone, I feel so empty, as if nothing matters. As if no feeling exists in my whole body. Living in the physical, but my soul is dead. It doesn’t make any sense, but without him... I AM NOT ME!! The flame in my heart is put out and I know nothing but feelings so dark as if I am sinking into a giant black hole and calling out for help and begging for my rescue but there is no one there to pull me back to safety... left to my death... slowly dying more and more... no sanity left within me, going crazy with every second that passes. Can’t move because I am too weak and hurting too much. Can’t eat, can’t sleep, can’t smile, can’t cry, can’t do anything but remain suppressed in my own torture. Feeling bonded with chains of pain and suffering with the chains cutting off every breath I try to take, the pain overwhelming and the key has been lost. It hurts so bad, screaming so bad inside, but not a single sound is coming out of my mouth because as I said... I don’t exist! I don’t want to go through that anymore! I just want to be happy... I just want him to love me and I want to love him.


I am so dedicated and my heart, my body, my soul, my all belongs to you... Christian Jay Ramirez. I Love You So Much and I Always Will! Your love is who I am... because I am You!

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What is going on in my life? [24 Jun 2004|10:33pm]
[ mood | sad ]
[ music | "My Immortal" By Evanescence ]

Here is a little F.Y.I. for you...


+ Christian is going to California and I know I am going to miss him so much! We said goodbye this morning around 12 and oh my gosh, it was so hard to hang up knowing we aren’t going to be able to talk AT ALL! He is going to try his hardest to call me, but you never know. It’s hard to tell what is going to happen with him because his parents change their minds a lot. I love him so much though and I am going to be waiting for the day he returns and even more for the day when we will get to be together in the flesh. That is my world and I am going to spend my whole life so dedicated to him... even if we don’t last, which I doubt will happen... I think I will never love another... I would rather die unhappy and unloved than to try to love someone else. I’ve given him all of me, even my heart entirely, and it will always remain in his hands. But I think we will be together forever. I miss him already and we’ve only gone without talking for about 6 hours now, ah, I am going crazy!


+ My job at Sea World... it is okay, but it takes up too much of my time. I wish I could quit sometimes, but the money is good. I got paid $280 for like a week... I could get used to that. I have to give my moms 10% and I am going to tithe 10% at church from every paycheck... so I am giving away 20% of my paycheck, but I am still left with quite a bit of cash. But money isn’t everything, and it was cutting into me and Christian’s time to talk, but now that he is going to be gone, I wish I could go to work to take my mind off of it a little bit. Because I know if I stay home, I will end up laying here all depressed and just crying till I can’t anymore. I work with some cool people though, we all just be clowning around, picking on the new people that don’t know what the hell they doing, and cracking on all the ugly tourists and crap... I swear England doesn’t sell bras, lol. You see some of the nastiest people come to Sea World, yuck!


+ I just got the hottest hat done. I got a pink trucker hat that matches my bathing suit and I had Lauriell & Christian airbrushed on it. I think I am going to get another one done, or maybe a t-shirt. I don’t know, but here is a picture of the one I got...





+ I am having some health issues. I been having breathing problems lately and I am worried. I don’t know what it is coming from because to answer your first question... No, I do not have asthma! But yea, when I breathe sometimes, my chest really hurts. I don’t know why and I have been crying a lot lately and that just makes it a whole lot worse. My sister, well, my man’s sister said I should go to the doctor and my moms said she would take me, but I don’t know, I am kind of scared to go, because I am scared of what might be wrong. Also, my migraines that I started to get after my sister left are coming back again... and I they come bad. It hurts like all hell sometimes, especially when I get a migraine and my breathing is hurting. I am scared that something is seriously wrong... maybe the stress I been going through is taking a toll on me physically. I don’t know and I don’t know what to do.


+ I been missing my father a lot. I wish I could see him or at least talk to him. Father’s day was hell on me because I didn’t have my daddy around to say “Happy Father’s Day” to or just to give him a hug or something. That was hard. I miss all of that side of my family. It isn’t fair. I think I am going to try to contact them or something, because I can’t take this anymore.


+ I just dyed my hair. I dyed it the same color that I always dye it... a deep burgundy... It is called Chocolate Cherry. It has just been awhile since I last dyed it and I needed a touch-up. I am so sexy, but what is the use... the only person I want to be sexy for is my man, Christian, and he can’t even see me, let alone talk to me right now, so what is the point. If it was acceptable, I would walk around looking busted as hell. Sh!t, I will now, I don’t care, because I don’t give a crap what anybody else thinks about me. The only person whose opinion matters is my love. Actually, I would rather just stay in my room in the same spot and never see another person until I can see him. It sucks. How is it the only person I want to see so bad, I can’t, and then all the people I don’t want to see, I see all the time. Ugh, makes me sick. My beauty is in the eyes of the beholder and as I said, he makes up everything I am.


Well, I am going to cut this short now... I am feeling too depressed to write anymore, goodbye!! XOXO CHRISTIAN... I LOVE YOU!

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