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"Lost In Love" By NBK |
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What to do, oh, what to do. What do you do when you feel like your world is falling apart. It feels like everything that matters to you is slowly disappearing. Do you give up or do you keep on trying? That is what I ponder each and everyday. As you go through life, you will meet many people and face many situations, but the biggest challenge that I believe life places on you is LOVE!! I mean, you have family love, friend love, and then the love that you share with that special person in your life. Love is crazy! First off, you got the love of your family. They always say that blood is thicker than water, but what happens when you start to think your water is thicker. Family is such a confusing word, because what about the people who don't have a family or who have no kind of relationship with their family? Is it really fair to say that family is the most important thing in the world? HELL NO!! How many women get abortions each day, how many people give their children up for adoption because "they don't want them" and then those poor kids are forced to grow up wondering who their real parents are and what they did to make them not want them. That isn't right. If you don't want a child, then be responsible and prevent it! I understand that accidents happen, but dang, there is a point when it just seems like people use that term as an EXCUSE for all the things that they do wrong. An accident or a mistake is something that happens, but not on purpose, but it is also something that you take as a lesson learned and don't let it happen again. It is common sense, for real. I just don't get people sometimes. And that is on the whole adoption thing, which hey, is a lot better than abortion. WTH?! I don't believe in abortion because I don't feel that it is any different than murder, but I know there are certain circumstances, such as rape, diseases, and handicaps... those things maybe I could understand, but what I don't understand is all these little hoes and b!tches who incessantly get them over and over again like it is some kind of natural thing, like it is a hobby or something. Yo, get the hell out of here! It isn't cute.... it is SAD and it is so shameful! If you aren't planning on having a kid, use some dang protection or at least be smart about what the hell you are doing... ay dios mio... some people just don't see things the right way. And I know that it isn't just the girls because their are plenty of guys who want to bust up in a girl and when she end up getting pregnant, they want to try and slide her a few bills and tell her to get rid of it... umm.... SHE DIDN'T GET PREGNANT ON HER OWN!! Go back to elementary school, dang, everybody knows that it takes a sperm and an egg to make a child, not just an egg, and I never met any females that produced their own child without going to a sperm bank. Gosh yo... take some responsibilities for your actions, come on people. Yall just be ignorant as hell these days. And OMG!! .... I can't even let this be said without saying a little something about deadbeat parents. Yo, how you going to walk out on your child, who the hell do you think you are? Seriously, that is so wrong. I mean, usually it is the fathers who leave the mothers to raise their child on her own without his help. Forced to answer their child's question "where is my daddy?" and then a lot of times, the child sees their mommy bringing home multiple men.. whether they are boyfriends or whatever they may be. That isn't right, knowing that kid doesn't have their daddy.... maybe even doesn't know him. Yo, if I was in that position, I would never bring another male around my children unless I knew for sure that he was going to be a legitimate part of my life and that is word. And yes, just to make sure yall don't trip... I know that women do walk out too, but I wrote about the majority. Then you got the whole mixed kids scenario... you know, when there is an interracial couple who have children. What about when the family of one of the parents doesn't like the race of the partner or their children... that sh!t isn't right, okay? I grew up in the predominately white state of Nebraska, and my mother is white and my father is black. My mom was from Nebraska and my dad was from Florida. My mom's family didn't like my sister and me because we had black in us. I grew up from the age of 2-5 being called a "N!GGER" everyday of my life because the color of my skin.. and I am not even dark! That was some serious torment as a child and that has scarred me so bad... for life now. That is why I hate racial discrimination and prejudice people so much. All people who live in this world are equal, whether Black, White, Indian, Latino, Asian, etc. And when your own family calls you a "n!gger" at the age of 2,3,4, and 5, that just isn't f**king right, aiight? Who again said that blood is thicker than water? But oh well... all of that just made me stronger and made me see things in another light. And let me tell you... I am so proud of what I am... Black, Dutch, Irish, Scottish, and Cherokee. I am proud to call myself multiracial. And you know what... I am so beautiful in God's eyes and the man who loves me... but even more importantly, I am beautiful to myself, in my heart and that is what truly matters. Or what about when your family is torn apart? Let me make it known, I am such a Daddy's Girl!! No Lie! I love my daddy with all my heart and he is such a great man, but I don't have him anymore. Is it right for a mother or a father to keep their child from speaking to their other parent?... HELL NO!! My parents were together for about 12 years and had 3 kids together. When they got a divorce... my older sister and I were devastated. We had the perfect little family, what happened? But yea, my mother remarried a few years ago and now she doesn't allow us to speak to my father or any of that side of my family because she "doesn't want them involved in her life." Tell me how she said we can have contact with him when we are 18!! What kind of BS is that? How can you keep your child from speaking to their own parent unless there is a threat to your child and in my case, there is none. Get the hell out of here!! That is just straight up wrong. So yea, now I am missing my daddy like crazy... and it is killing me... driving me to insanity!! I wish that I could see him and my family somehow, but it is so hard! I get madd emotional and so sad when I have to say goodbye again. I was so upset because since my moms hasn't allowed me to speak to my family on my black side, my older half-brother passed away and my grandma got madd sick and almost died and I didn't even know!! You know how that feels to have stuff like that happen and you can't even be there for your family? That is when my dad needed me the most... and I couldn't give him that because my mother is so dang selfish. My grandma said that sometimes my dad just sits and cries when he thinks of us. Don't get me wrong, my daddy is a strong man, but the loss of his children to death and just straight selfishness is slowly breaking him down. The last time I saw him or talked to him was like a whole year ago. Last summer, I was coming home from a friend's house and as I was driving down the street towards my house, I saw my daddy step out of his car in front of my house and I jumped out immediately... even though the car was still moving. I ran and jumped into his arms and we both stood there crying without even speaking. I remember it like it was yesterday.. the first thing he did was kiss me on the forehead and say "Lauriell... I love you so much girl and I miss you. We have to do something." and also when he was crying again, I asked him what was wrong and he said to me "Baby, I just want my kids back, I miss my kids so much" and I broke down seeing my father like that! It breaks my heart every time I think about the situation, it isn't fair! And that day has stuck with me ever since. I just really, really miss him and my family. You see, family is so f**ked up these day, so family love isn't the greatest thing in the world. But whatever! The next kind of love is friend love... the love you have for them and the love they have for you. Although, I must say that I don't know about this one either. People these days make no sense and they suck at being a friend... well, a good one anyways!! People these days don't even know the true meaning of a friend anymore. A real, true friend is someone who will always have your back through it all... good and bad, someone who always tells the truth, regardless.... even if it's not what you want to hear, someone who would never talk about you behind your back, someone who you can talk to with them listening, someone you can go to for advice or help with a problem, someone who you can share many memories/good times with, someone who supports you in what you believe, whether they agree or not, someone who accepts you for who you are... flaws and all, someone who would never hurt you intentionally, someone who will be the first one to say you did something that was kind of dumb, but without saying you are stupid, someone who will never judge you, but will be the one saying it's going to be okay when you tell them something that you've done that you are ashamed of. A friend is someone who is always there no matter what, through anything and everything and that would never do you wrong... simple as that. So yea, now that the meaning of a friend is out the way, think about whom we call our friends and if they are really good enough to be considered a friend. I mean, I will be the first to say I have like 50-million friends, but can I really call them that, no, except for a select few! I have a very limited amount of real friends. I do not trust my "friends" for nothing though, I do not like half of them, half of them annoy the hell out of me and I wouldn't even think of hanging out with them outside of school. I'd pretty much call all of them acquaintances. All them people that say "My friends love me and I love them"... yo, f**k that. I got my close friends and some people who I can call real friends (they all know who they are... if you need to question it, then you must not be one) but yea, then everyone else, I don't care about like that. I mean, don't get me wrong, I am a very nice person and I will be friends with you and give you the benefit of a doubt, but I just have no tolerance for people's bullsh!t anymore, so as soon as you screw me over, best believe I will erase you out of my life. I want to spend my time and love on people who are just as willing to spend it on me. I am tired of having these so called "friends" who talk behind my back or who want to act all chummy, buddy with me and then change up with other people around. I hate two-faced people and liars, but most of all, I hate FAKE people! Be who you are... dang! If you are going to act different around me, don't even bother being around me period. People need to stop trying to be something that they aren't... it isn't cool! I don't know what the hell some people are thinking these days but it is crazy. Most people aren't capable of being a friend, so what the hell? Friend love isn't sh!t anymore.... it only comes along good every once and awhile, so forget that. But don't get it twisted... the very few true friends that I do have, I am so thankful for! But friendships are never guaranteed so keep your head up and watch out for people and the games they TRY to play!! Now, on to the last type of love that I am going to cover... a boyfriend/girlfriend type of love. We all know that relationships these days can be complicated as hell and also very stressful, but we also know that they can make you very, very happy! I am currently involved with one of the most wonderful guys I have ever met, we are soon to be engaged!! YAY! Our relationship isn't what you would call your average relationship because I live in Florida and he lives in New York. It can be hard at times, but overall, we have both gotten pretty used to it... hey, real love causes such perseverance. I have been in so many relationships and they have pretty much all been a complete waste of time... straight up bullsh!t, for real. Matter fact, before Christian came into my life, I was just about to give up on love completely.... being that I was so tired of being hurt, tired of crying over these guys who weren't worth my tears at all. Christian is absolutely, the most beautiful person I have ever met, on the inside, and as we can all see... on the outside too!! I mean, it is such a great thing that we have... what we have given to each other, the precious gift of true love. He walked into my life and brought back the happiness that I was missing. Before I met him, I had been through a lot of crap and was in a serious state of depression. He came along and accepted me for all that I was and all I had regardless... all of my emotional baggage... having to work 10 times as hard to make me happy again as someone who was always there. And I know that it was hell on his part because I do tend to dwell in my past and am very stubborn and hardheaded, but my baby continued to do his best to bring me the happiness that he felt I deserved, but was deprived of. He is my world, my everything and I would do anything for him. We are going to get married someday, when I turn 18, and we are planning on having two kids. We are going to have that perfect little family, just like we are that perfect little couple right now. I sit at hours on end and just smile while thinking about the wonderful things he does for me and how near perfect he is. Even though we have faced our bad times and been to hell and back, we never let them ruin what we have. Even when we faced the worst and everyone tried to ruin us and keep us apart, we stayed strong. If anything, we became stronger. Nobody can bring us down when it comes to our relationship and our love because we complete each other. He has given me that love I was missing from my family and friends... and just pretty much everything I ever needed. He is making my dreams come true each and every day. He is one of the few people I can truly say I have a genuine love for and that is irreplaceable. What we have is so irreplaceable, period! Even though it seems sometimes like you will never find the right person for you, keep on having that faith because some day they will come... the saying "Good things come to those who wait for them" is so true and soul mates are real... I have the proof of that now. We have been through everything and it's been hard as hell, but you just can't give up on love or you will be miserable. Just never let anyone bring you down and never let anyone come between you and that special person in your life. This kind of love, when it is genuine and real, can be the most beautiful thing in the entire world. Never turn your back on love and remember true love prevails. Love... so complicated, yet so exotic. Well, that is all I have to say, I know it's long, but hey, maybe you learned something about me or think about something differently... I mean, hey, this is my journal and I made it for my outlook on the world, so enjoy or leave, good-bye! Take care and God Bless, ~1~
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drained
depressed
grumpy
thankful
bored
calm