...As this sickness drags me down... Down to my bitter end...   
11:52am 02/11/2003
 
mood: lonely
music: The sounds of myself singing to myself "Destination Drive"
...I'm done with this journal... It's been...uh... fun... goodbye......



...(and if your one of the people goes and looks up the songs I put in here don't bother this time I used one of my own)...
 
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...Keep the blood in your head and keep your feet on the ground...   
09:26pm 21/10/2003
 
mood: loved
music: Brand New "The Quiet things that no one ever knows"
We saw the western coast. I saw the hospital. Nurse the shoreline like a wound. We paint a lover's tryst. We're neither clear nor descript. We kept it safe and slow. The quiet things that no one ever knows. Keep the blood in your head and keep your feet on the ground. Today's the day it gets tired. Today's the day we drop down. Give up my body in bed. All for an empty hotel. Wasting words on lowercases and capitals. I contemplate the day we wed. Your friends are boring me to death. Your veil is ruined in the rain. By then you like to do without. There's nothing new to talk about. And though our kids are blessed, the parents let them shoulder all the blame. Keep the blood in your head and keep your feet on the ground. Today's the day it gets tired. Today's the day we drop down. Give up my body in bed. All for an empty hotel. Wasting words on lowercases and capitals. I lie for only you. And I lie well. Halleluh. Keep the blood in your head and keep your feet on the ground. Today's the day it gets tired. Today's the day we drop down. Give up my body in bed. All for an empty hotel. Wasting words on lowercases and capitals...

...Life's scenery changes so much that all I'm capable of appreciating is a mere blur of what I believe I am seeing... I am so fucking happy I could cry...

I DONT KNOW WHAT TO WRITE IN HERE ANYMORE

GOODNIGHT
 
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...Where do we go from here Turn all the lights down now...   
08:58pm 13/10/2003
 
mood: nauseated
music: Blink 182 "Action"
This place was never the same again
After you came and went
How can you say you meant anything different
To anyone standing alone
On the street with a cigarette
On the first night we met...

........Vince is back in school yay! My life is complete!!!!.... I've never been so happy to see anyone in my life...


Look to the past
Remember a smile
And maybe tonight
I can breath for awhile
I'm not in the seat
I think I’d fallen asleep
But then all that I need
I’d always be dreaming of you




Fate fell short this time
Your smile fades in the summer
Place your hand in mine
I’ll leave when I wanna










I love the enter button its my new
friend!




ACTION!!!!!!!!













I hate this journal thing... its fucking retarded... Okay My good mood is gone!!!!!!

I fucking hate downtown milford and the gay ass kids who clutter it... Fuck them all... I'm not letting them ruin my days any longer... I don't give a fuck if they hate me... I have everything I need I'm fine whatever...


....Yeah I'm done now... I have to go beat my head in a wall...................
 
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...Just wait and you'll see, you're everything I want and don't take this from me...   
11:35am 11/10/2003
 
mood: devious
music: Hidden in Plain view "Twenty Below"
...I'm talking to Steve... It's great... It's just like old times... I'm going over there tomorrow and I can't wait... Woo-ha..............

......Everything is perfect with Vince now... He comes back to school monday and I can't wait...

........I cant type right now so im leaving...........
 
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...Cuts through my day and sinks into my dreams...I'd tell you how it haunts me...   
09:29pm 05/10/2003
 
mood: stressed
music: A.F.I. "This Time Imperfect"
...Drew, Vince and I went to see MXPX today at Vans skatepark... I'm so disappointed... They performed acoustic... I don't know... We left after like two songs... I didn't even bother to wait to meet them... even though that was the main reason I went... I was just so disgusted that they were so bad...

...We got into a car accident today too... if you would even call it that... Drew, Vince, Kyle and I were looking at a stair set as Drew was driving and Drew glanced away really quick and all of a sudden we slammed into a pole really hard... I bit my tounge so hard... I was spitting blood for like 15 minutes... it hurt really bad but I didnt want to say anything because I felt so bad for Drew... Kyle's necklace cut up his neck and Vince's skateboard hit his arm pretty hard... Luckily Andrew was okay... But now Drew is in so much trouble... he can only drive to school and back... His front end got smashed up pretty bad and his dad had to come and pull it off or something like that...

...I have to go and talk to Lindburg tomorrow... He says that I will probably get suspended because it was vandalism... fuck this... I'm so sick of school... I'm ready to just say screw it and drop out... I let people jsut walk all over me and I never do anything about it and the one time I finally stick up for myself I have the possibility of getting suspended... This is all so stupid... I have like no friends that I talk to out of school... I talk to Drew, Melissa, and Vince... that's it... I don't talk to anyone else...

...I don't remember if I talked abotu Steve showing up at my house friday but just in case I will again...
.... I got home from school and he was standing at my door... We sat there and talked and I guess we're going to try and be friends again... I told him exaclty how I felt... Then Matt Hutchins had to got running his mouth and now Vince is going to beat his ass... And then Steve called yesterday and he basically told me without actually saying it that we won't be able to hang out with eachother because people downtown hate me because 1.I'm with Vince 2.I broke up with Brad (which I don't get because EVERYONE HATED BRAD!!!! AND TOLD ME THAT I WAS DOING THE RIGHT THING!!) and 3. Because of Steve... Whatever fuck them all... I just want things to be how they were before when Steve and I were still friends and he was happy that Vince and I were together...

...I wish that I could run away from everything... But then I'd just be letting them win... It'll get better... I'll be okay...................


I cannot leave here, I cannot stay
Forever haunted, more than afraid
Asphyxiate on words I would say
I'm drawn to a blackened sky as I turn blue

There are no flowers, no, not this time
There will be no angels gracing the lines, just these stark words I find
I'd show a smile but I'm too weak
I'd share for you, could I only speak, just how much this hurts me
 
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...Take you away from that empty apartment You stay and forget where the heart is...   
01:28pm 04/10/2003
 
mood: depressed
music: Yellowcard "Empty Apartment"
Waking up from this nightmare
How's your life, what's it like there?
Is it all what you want it to be?
Does it hurt when you think about me?
And how broken my heart is...

...My insides hurt... I face is burning from the pain of these salt-filled tears... It's so hard to stand up... It's so hard to look around... everything is filled with memories... I keep hoping any second now someone will shake me from this nightmare and you will be right there looking at me... Everything will be normal... But I know it is impossible...


...These wrists they bleed... The pain rushes over me... I watch it flow... dripping to the floor... I now know I am still alive... Behind this mask I can no longer hide... I begin to sink lower into the pool of blood below me... It's too late now... You can never save me...


...This is my cry to you... maybe you will notice me... I am still here!! I AM HERE!!! Why can't you see me... Why can't you understand this? why? I am no one... Just forget me... everyone else has... I'm ready to give up...


...........Fuck this I'm leaving... I'm sorry... I'm sorry.......



It's okay to be angry and never let go
It only gets harder the more that you know
When you get lonely if no one's around
You know that I'll catch you when you're falling down
We came together but you left alone
And I know how it feels to walk out on your own
Maybe someday I will see you again
And you'll look me in my eyes and call me your friend
 
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...in this stag caberat the bark of buildings surged, through the whipping volt abode...   
08:31pm 02/10/2003
 
mood: thankful
music: The Mars Volta "Cut that city"
I'm sorry for my last entry... I was angry... Not at any of you don't worry...

...Everyone has gone emo... whatever... go cry onstage (only vince will get that one)... He makes me so happy... I have just realized how good I have it right now with him... He is good to me... Great to me, actually... He makes smile... *smiles from ear to ear*... hmm...

...Drew.... I love you with all my spleen... tee-hee-hee... I'll give you a "woop woop"... "What's a yeast infection?" hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!

...I can't wait until this weekend... Yay with all my might...

...I'm going to go count my three-headed chickens...

xlittle broken onex
 
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...in this stag caberat the bark of buildings surged, through the whipping volt abode...   
04:38pm 02/10/2003
 
mood: lethargic
music: The Mars Volta "Cut that city"
...You all fucking disgust me...
 
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...Just wait and you'll see, you're everything I want and don't take this from me...   
09:38pm 30/09/2003
 
mood: lonely
music: Hidden in Plain view "Twenty Below"
Wind strong in my face, I'm still staggering through
I'm closer to the ground than I will ever get to you
Dirt deep beneath my fingernails, I'm gripping to the floor
Searching through the world, always looking for something more...


...It seems that everyone I love the most hurts me or leaves me... Everyone is going all emo... I don't want to slip away... Steve was one of the most important people in the world to me... I put him above everyone... I don't understand what happened... I just wish I did... I miss sitting up and talking to him late at night, or turning over and seeing him laying on my couch making those funny noises... He hurt me and so many others so much... It hurts so bad I can't even cry...I just wish I could show you this broken heart of mine... i just wish...

...Vince never called today... I'm a little worried... I would have called him but I don't know if he couldn't use the phone or something... Life is too complicated... If life were a game, I'd lose...

...I'm listening to hidden in plain view but I can hear B.B. King playing because my mom is watching something about him... Hidden in plain view reminds me of The Starting Line... hmm...

... I can't stare at this screen any longer... I need to go walk around or... something... goodnight...

i love you with all my spleen...............

...And these cold winter nights, without you next to me
It feels like twenty below
Frostbite on my heart
This pain and suffering are feelings that you don't know
 
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...When you cry me some real tears Ill be on the run...   
08:03pm 25/09/2003
 
mood: moody
music: The Distillers "Lordy Lordy"
...It's been so long since I have written in here and so much has happened!...

For starters, Brad and I broke up... I was sick of all the fighting and him always yelling at me... then I started to like Vince and found out he likes me too... so we started hanging out and whatnot... so now we're together or "going out" or whatever it's called... Steve started being a jerk out of no where to me, Vince, and Annah (his girfriend). Then I was supposed to go over there tomorrow (friday) but two days ago I told him I wasn't coming over... I wanted him to hang out with Annah because she felt that he would rather be with me, which is the last thing I want because I really like being friends with Annah and I don't want her being mad at me... so he got all mad at me and he was talking about me to Annah and he said "I'm not letting Vince come to my house, actually I am because everyone down there hates him so they'll just beat him up" or something along those lines... that made me so mad... what kind of friend says that kind of stuff?... So of course I told Vince because he deserves to know... well then this morning Vince and I were standing there and Steve walks up and Vince told him that he better just leave or he was going to hit him... so Steve walked away... and then steve went and found a bunch of people to beat up Vince... I don't get this... When Brad went running to Don Wheeler when Vince was going to beat up Brad (which he still wants to do) Steve made fun of him... And now he's doing the exact same thing... I'm so mad at him... and then Melissa told me that steve was saying "I f**king hate Jessi, shes a b**ch and all that good stuff... I'm so mad it's not even funny... He is being so dramatic and stupid this... he used to complain about high school drama and there he went and made his own... I hate milford... I swear if I wasn't working so hard to do ghood in school this year I'd drop out... Milford is full of jerks and drama queens...

...On a happy note... Vince is great... he makes me smile and laugh... he's so... so... amazing... I hate that word... Melissa knows why... I don't even know if she reads this anymore... hmmm... but anyways... Vince... Vegas... whatever... *sighs in happiness*... I just wish Steve could be happy that I'm happy... whatever... forget him...

FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK
 
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I'd show a smile but I'm too weak I'd share for you could I only speak just how much this hurts me   
09:42pm 05/09/2003
 
music: A.F.I. "This Time Imperfect"
...There wasn't enough room to put the three periods as usual... dang...

...I know, I know... it has been so long since I have been on here... I'm never online anymore... I have no reason to be... I keep myself pretty busy while I'm out of school... School has gotten a little better... I have realized that in not talking to anyone I am getting work done... First hour is pretty good, I sit with Nick Vernier, Bobby Lawson, Crystal (I met her this year) and Teri (I met her this year too). Nick is probably one of the coolest kids I know... I have known him since 6th grade and the kid gets funnier everyday... then second hour... I'm pretty much alone, Thomas is in there but we don't sit by eachother because of the god damn seating chart... third hour is cool because I sit with Mackenzie and Ashley which are the same people who were in my cooking class last year, I'm excited for creative cooking because I may learn to cook, who knows?... then fourth hour I'm by myself, then fifth hour I'm with Nick and Mackenzie, then 6th I'm with Sara and Ted and pretty much most of the people that were in my spanish class last year...

... I fucking hate my spanish teacher!!!... She is from Puerto Rico so I can't understand her english, and then when she speaks spanish she goes waayyy to fast... grr... and then!!! for the love of fucks sake i didnt understand my home wirk so when i told her that she said that she wouldnt accept that as an excuse so she didnt give me any credit, not even for the stuff that I did... I was so pissed!...

...I am so excited for this weekend... Steve is spending the night tomorrow night... and my mom said that he can just spend the night whenever he wants pretty much... yay...

... I am done now I think... night

"I cannot leave here, I cannot stay/ Forever haunted, more than afraid/ Asphyxiate on words I would say/ I'm drawn to a blackened sky as I turn blue"
 
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...Here I go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you You are my only one...   
09:23pm 27/08/2003
 
mood: artistic
music: Yellowcard "Only one"
Okay I got a post asking if I was putting the new song in here so here ya go...

"One last kiss"
(verse)
He drops her off at 9 o' clock
Kisses her cheek as the music stops
She says "I love you" one last time
Unaware this would be the last goodbye
She walks up the drive and looks at her wrist
She opens the door and is met with a fist
Blood stained tears fall from her eyes
Shes looks at the man as he removes his disguise

(chorus)
Hear the broken cry
See the bruised hide
Smell the fear among us
Will anyone ever save us

(verse)
The man she sees she's known all her life
Her eyes move across the room, in his hand is a knife
She knows his plan, this will be her last breath
A million thoughts run through her mind before her untimely death
She thinks of her boyfriend, her one true love
She thinks of her mom, of heaven above
She thinks of her friends she'll leave behind
She thinks of the way she's lived her life

(chorus)
Taste the blood from fractured hearts
Touch the lives that have begun to distort
Smell the fear among us
Will anyone ever save us

(verse)
In the blink of an eye she falls to the floor
She watches him leave and slowly close the door
The engine starts, he drives away
She closes her eyes and begins to pray
"Please let somebody find me"
"Someone has to find me"
Shes feels her breath restricted
Her insides fill with sickness
She fades away into the light

--instrumental...music slows--

With one last kiss he says goodbye
He walks away and begins to cry
He thinks of all the memories they made
He thinks of the pictures that will someday fade
He thinks of how their future might have been
He cries her name over and over again

(chorus)
Hear the broken cry
See the bruised hide
Taste the blood from fractured hearts
Touch the lives that have begun to distort
Smell the fear among us
Will anyone ever save us

(whispered)
Hear the broken, see the bruised
Taste the blood, Touch the lives
Smell the fear, please save us

(screaming)
Save us!
Save us!
Save us!
Save us!
DON'T CRYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY
("cry" fades into music)




there it is ladies and gentlemen... depressing isnt it..... welp goodnight
 
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...This world is a cruel place and we're here only to lose...   
08:56pm 26/08/2003
 
mood: devious
music: []-[] [] []\/[] "Join me in death"
...Yesterday was the first day of school.... aye! I hate school so much... I have basically none of my friends in any of my classes so I just sorta sit there by myself... it's the same in lunch... I'm just gonna start eating lunch at my locker and writing songs and what-not... it gets pretty lonely when your alone though... but I'll survive...

...I finally finished a song that I have been working on for around a week and a half or so... it's really depressing... It's a story told in song... it's pretty good... i mean, I don't mean to toot my own horn but beep beep.. haha...

...How many days until school is out??... I miss the summer time... I'm leaving now... goodbye
 
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...So keep on pretending Our heaven is worth the waiting...   
12:38am 23/08/2003
 
mood: bouncy
music: HIM "Pretending"
My birthday is tomorrow yay!!!!!! I got my belly button pierced yesterday finally.... Melissa didn't get to go which kinda ruined my day.... how bad did it hurt?? on a scale of 1 to 10 it was about a 7... but it was split second pain... I'm pretty sure I should be in bed right now seeing as I have to get up in like 8 hours... but ya know... I'm going shopping for my school shit sunday... I'm kinda happy school starts on monday... but at the same time a little sad... where the hell did the summer go??

...I'm quitting my job soon... I hate the way this pay thing is working... the whole god damn systm is corrupt... for the love of fuck's sake... goodnight you ri-god damn-diculous people... goodnight!
 
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...Take you away from that empty apartment You stay and forget where the heart is...   
11:51pm 12/08/2003
 
mood: geeky
music: Yellowcard "Empty Apartment"
...And it's been a while... I have been working a lot and spending all my free time with Brad so there isn't much time for this...

...Steve spent the night on Sunday... that was great... haha... We just sat there talking for hours... He slept on the couch and I slept in the chair which was actually pretty comfortable...

...I hung out with Melissa, Steve, and Brad today... Steve got Haggard finally got Haggard in the mail so we all watched that... EXCELLENT MOVIE! I recommend it to everyone who's anyone...


...And I'm falling asleep... so I better go or else there will be no sleeping tonight... goodnight
 
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..I see it in your eyes I feel it in your touch I taste it from your lips And baby more i love you..   
09:39pm 07/08/2003
 
mood: lonely
music: HIM "I Love You (Prelude To Tragedy)"
...Today was my first day at work... yay! Melissa got me a job at Dairy Bean with her... I did it... I'm so proud of me! haha...

...Brad doesn't work tomorrow, so I am PRAYING that I don't either because it is the only day he has off this week... And I can't stand this whole not seeing him thing... And plus Steve will be with us too so I really don't want to have to work... pretty pretty please God...

...I am so hungry... hmm... I need some food...

... I need to get off here... Good bye....

............ oh and good news... I actually got some sleep last night for the first time in 2 weeks... so yay... haha.... hopefully i happens again tonight... I'm running out of things to do... later
 
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...Someday, I will be...I'll be that what you want from a failing dream...   
09:37pm 06/08/2003
 
mood: nauseated
music: A.F.I. "Synesthesia"
...Somedays I wish I could say fuck it and go to sleep... Somedays I wish I could just run away...

...This constant headache is becoming too much for me to handle... I can't go another night without sleep... I fucking hate insomnia...

...I can't fucking sit here anymore... I'm going crazy... I feel like I'm gonna hurl...

...I won't say I'm going to go to bed and sleep because I know that would be a lie... I'm just going to go lay in the dark and stare at my ceiling wishing I could fall asleep like a normal person... Good bye....
 
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...We'll never give up, it's no use If we're fucked up you're to blame...   
01:06am 06/08/2003
 
mood: aggravated
music: Blink 182 "Anthem part 2"
...I had a great day... Brad came and picked me up at about 300 or so, and we went back to his house and hung out... then at 530 we went up to the mall to meet steve... it was sprinkeling when we got out of the car, but as soon as we started walking theheavens let down a mighty pour... it was great running through the rain... when steve got there he gave me my birthday present... it was a The Used t-shirt... i love it... We walked around the mall and I helped Brad pick out school clothes... we had a lot of fun... then we had to go to subway and we went around the back of the building like we always do... we were going like 10 15 miles an hour and sll of a sudden some guy started running at the car screaming "get the fuck back here!" and stuff like that... we weren't doing anything wrong so brad just kept driving... we got pretty far down the road and we looked back and the guy was still running after us... so we just left... then brad called his mom and told her what happened... but she said tha tshe needed hejr subs so we had to go back and we parked like a mile away and walked... we got back in the car and then left... then we took steve home and came back to my house...we goofed off for about an hour then he went home...

...Now we are to the present time... We can have an amazing day... but then Steve and I always have to end up in a fight... I don't even know what to fucking say... tension builds up... i need to scream...

...I can't fucking take this anymore I need to go to bed... Goodnight...
 
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...I'm choking on nothing it's clear in my head and I'm screaming for something...   
11:07pm 04/08/2003
 
mood: anxious
music: The Used "On my own"
...This anxious feeling is taking over... I haven't seen Steve in a while and tomorrow I finally get to... yay!...

...I've begun to notice how much everyone has changed over the years... I know I have changed so much in this short time... I have begun to appreciate the things I have... They say you never know what you have until you lose it... Not having Steve around and the days spent missing... make me wish I had taken advantage of what I once had... I never thought of the fact that I could wake up one morning and everything would be gone... I miss you Steve and I love you... We need to take advantage of the time we will have tomorrow...

...I hate this summer... I hate it! I can't wait for it to end... not much more time left... I only pray I can make it...

... I love you all... Goodnight
 
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...Responsibility? What's that?...   
11:34pm 03/08/2003
 
mood: indescribable
music: MXPX "Responsibility"
...Exhaustion is such sweet bliss...

...I went out on a huge river boat today with Brad and his family for lunch... It was great... They are great... In the car on the way there his dad turned back to me and said "just so you know, I like ya a lot." Just hearing him say that made the rest of my day... it's really nice to know his family likes me... acceptance! haha...

...You know how it asks you your mood? yeah well i was wondering... what if you are feeling more than one... what do you do then? Because right now, I am exhausted, anxious, bored, creative, crazy, devious, dorky, drained, lazy, sleepy, and sore... i don't think they have a picture thing to describe that one... I guess I will just have to pick one... or maybe i will just put them all in "other"... hmm... the possibilties...

...After all the pondering... I think I will go with...

...Goodnight!...
 
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