| Sick! | ||||
| 05:49pm 06/07/2003 | ||||
Puking sucked so bad, I can still feel the chunks swimming around in my mouth. Yummu huh? It was weird though. I figured I wouldn't have anything to puke since I hadn't eaten in about 9 hours, but no, I threw up last nights dinner. The one night this week that I don't go out, I get majorly sick the next morning. I was feeling kind of bad at work, getting dizzy and feeling pukish, but I didn't think it would get this bad! I'm kind of hungry, but like most people who have thrown up, I'm afraid to eat because I'm afraid to throw it up. Anyways, I think this is enough for now. I need to go blow my nose and see if anyone will bring me something to eat lol. Becky tried to break into my car to get some water but of course my doors were locked. I'm not an idiot haha. |
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| Post | ||||
sick| Cock Tease | ||||
| 10:23pm 04/07/2003 | ||||
I danced with Adam, worst dancer EVER! Jacob isn't that bad actually, which surprises me because he's kinda nerdy. Anyways, I kind of made out with Adam. I say unintentional because he started it and I was drunk and couldn't move. He is hot, but he was like sticking his hands down my pants in front of peopel! I'm hoping noone remembers that, but I sure as hell do, so that sucks. Jacob and Adam just called actually to go pop fireworks at someones house, but I'm thinking..I have gotten drunk the past 2 or 3 nights in a row, I can take a night off. Plus Adam bought a funnel today and that definitely spells bad news, especially since I like funneling haha. I can out drink anyone!!! Well anyone from last night. Everyone knows it too, makes me feel special haha. I wonder if that is bad that I can outdrink everybody. I had my first "hangover" today. I don't even know if it was really a hangover or a normal headache. I mean I have had headaches the past week or so, so it could have been that. I slept until 3 today, which I wasn't planning on, but I was fine. I got some food, took a piss (haha that was horrible because I had to wait to get to work b/c I was in a hurry) and I was fine! Had a slight headache and was kind of tired, but that is a normal thing for me. I had a headache last night when I went to bed, so I was expecting something haha. Anyways, I'm bored and I need some food so I'm goin for now. I'll probably end up going out again, whatever, I need to get it out of my system while I still can! |
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| Post | ||||
drained| I Never Sleep!! | ||||
| 07:18am 03/07/2003 | ||||
I went out tonight, or should I say last night since its the morning now. I wasn't planning on it, but Ryan called me to go to OB's so I did. I wasn't going to because I totally can't afford it, but she said it was ladies night so I was expecting to not pay for anything. I spent 7 bucks and then 5 on gas, so not too bad I guess. I just need to work alot the next week or two. I have to pay my rent tomorrow so that sucks. I should pay it today, but I'm going to wait until tomorrow so I have all of my tipshare, to know how much in the hole I really am haha. I'm really praying that I have enough to pay my rent and have some left over to pay my insurance. If Ryan doesn't call me by 10 I'm going to attempt to run on my own, which probably wont happen, then I'm going to get ready for the day and go run some errands, which include going to my house to get copies of my moms tax shit and then bringing it to the financial aid office or whatever, if I can find it. I'm gonna have to go buy some Stackers..I think I'm just about hooked. I mean I'm not addicted or anything, I just want to be able to stay awake, and I'm not sure if they even help or not, but I'm going to assume that they do. I'm trying to think of what I need to do today. I need to get my tipshare, turn in my school stuff, pick up my check...ooh pick up my check, I forgot I was getting paid haha. That is GREAT though b/c I really need the money. Anyways, I went out last night. It was ladies night haha. I drank some, but a little buzzed, nothing big. The new thing is to take Stackers before drinking. I saw Brandi. She was drunk, she said she took diet pills before, and she was SMOKING. I was like BRANDI NO because smoking is retarded, but then I was like hey look I can blow a donut hole haha. I think me and her need to have a talk about the whole diet pill thing. I think we should only do that when we go out together, because sooner or later we are going to get immune to them if we take them everytime, and then it wont be fun in the future. Oh well. I think we are going out Saturday night. I was supposed to go out with Jacob and Adam and Kaci, but Adam and Kaci broke up, so I guess that is the end of that. By the end of the summer I'm going to get a haircut. I think I might get it like Lacy's hair, because she has basically the exact same hair that I have; thin, fine, and extremely straight. I think her hair is thinner, but mine is straighter, so we will see how it goes! I work the next three days I think. Becky is going to ask her manager if they want to hire a bartender. I think I'm going to try to be a bartender at a restaraunt to get some experience, then move on to bars and clubs and shit. I think....ok nevermind, I got sidetracked and I don't remember what I was thinking. That tends to happen alot when something Real World comes up haha. Ryan's birthday is next weekend. I'm assuming I'm supposed to get drunk or something haha. She got a tattoo, it looks cute, but I wouldn't get one. She already regrets it, and I don't want to have to deal with that shit. Anyways not much else to say right now. I need to stay awake, I need to run, take some Stackers, turn in my shit, deposit shit, clean my room, clean my car, do laundry, go to work..busy busy day! I might write some more later, after I get my mind going and stuff like that. I wish I could get a little more toned and get tanner. I have a month to get hot, better get started on it! |
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| Post | ||||
blank| Thoughts | ||||
| 02:45am 02/07/2003 | ||||
Relationships: now I don't know if I'm just being negative or whatever, but what is the point of having a relationship? Sure you get companionship, sexual satisfaction (maybe haha), someone to depend on, alot of good things, but what happens when it doesn't work out? Is having a relationship worth losing it also? There is never a guarantee that the relationship will work out, so why bother? Sure you may have good times during the whole process, but what happens when you get hurt in the end? Its like you spent all of that time and work to get nothing but pain. What is the point? I mean the three years with Jessica were GREAT. She was the best friend I ever had. I might have grown as a person in many aspects, but our relationship was pretty damn near perfection. I think the fact that we COULDN'T share anything with anyone kept us closer. Yes it was a pain in the ass having to hide everything, but we got closer. Okay we shared a great three years, but what did we get out of it? She dislikes me now for some unknown reason, I lost my best friend like I always do, she lost her best friend. What is the point? Yes I said before I have memories, but memories don't mean shit when you lost a friend out of it. In our relationship it was always a fear that I would lose her friendship, and I did. That is the major thing I didn't want to happen. Great. Was the three years worth losing the best friendship I ever had? I have all of these questions for her, but I have the feeling that it will never be the right time to ask. I don't know if I love her or not still. If we spent the night together I wonder what would happen in that night. Would we be able to sleep in the same bed without cuddling? I almost think that we would cuddle out of pure habit, not feelings. We would jump away as soon as we realized what we were doing. Either that or we would act like normal friends that don't touch each other haha. I mean it SUCKED when things when bad with her, but at least we got over it and are making efforts. I can't say the same about Brittany, and we didn't even have a relationship. Yes I did do things to make it worse, I know that flirting can harm people, which sucks because I'm notorious for flirting with people, even if I don't like them. The thing that was different was Brittany never tried to get over it. She refused. She just wouldn't accept that thats how things were and to just be ok with it. Maybe I made the same mistakes Brittany did. I clung to Jessica as did Brittany. I was totally dependent on Jessica. Brittany is totally dependent on me. Maybe now I see how Jessica felt, but we had a totally different situation. Jessica was clingy to me at the same time. I think Brittany has some problems. I don't know. I mean I don't want to psychoanalyze this whole situation, even though I have alot of things I could talk about. I mean her childhood, her situations now, a psychologists nightmare. I'm not even a psychologist and I can analyze her life. I had something specific to say about Brittany but I forgot what it was. I will say though that until Brittany can learn to be dependent on herself instead of others she will never be happy. I mean at least I know right now that if I'm sad its because of something I did, not someone else. I think Brittany is a spoiled brat first off. That could totally have to do with alot of things. I also have to keep in mind that she has never had a relationship before, and wants one majorly. I mean, we never had a relationship, we never had even CLOSE to a relationship. I regret alot of things with her. I regret meeting her. Because I allowed her to come, I allowed her into my life, which isn't good. Why do people always cling to me when there is a relationship or a possibility of a relationship? I mean with guys I am probably one of the coolest girls to go out with. I can drink with the guys, if not more...I am the least jealous person ever (except with Jessica, but that is because I had to deal with girls and guys haha)...I don't like to spend 24/7 with a guy, I need my friends too...all of that stuff. I mean I know I have my downfalls..I'm not the hottest girl out there, I don't like to spend alot of time together, which could be bad if the guy wants to spend time with me, just stuff like that. I'm really easygoing though and I think that helps alot in relationships. I think Brittany's problem is that she is expecting perfect true love in every person that even looks at her twice and isn't some drunk guy. She is going to push away every person that she meets because she clings to people like an infant the mothers tit. I remember what I had to say about Brittany. I told her right from the start that I would either hurt her or she would hurt me. She never believes anything I say, which is sad because I am always right. I told her I would push her away or she would push me away, and one of us, if not both would be hurt. I pushed her away because I don't ever want a relationship with someone, and she pushed me away by being to clingy. I hurt her all of the time because she doesn't understand me when I'm nice, so I'm forced to be even more blunt than I already am, and anyone will tell you I'm as blunt as they come. If you look like shit I'll tell you, and I might even make fun of you for it. I don't care if I'm a bitch, thats what you get for asking my opinion. If you want the truth come to me because really, when you ask my opinion I don't really give a shit if my opinion hurts you. Thats why everyone comes to me. I tell it like it is. I care what people think about me, but I also know that if they are coming to me for something it is because they like me in some way. No person is going to go to you for advice if they hate your guts ya know? Anyways, I told Brittany I would hurt her, didn't listen. Everything I tell her, she does the opposite, so why should I bother? I tell her she needs to be more independent, so now she wants to make an effort to find someone else to depend on. If she learned some independence she would be so much happier. How can she "love" me so much but not listen to what I tell her? Everyday she asks my fucking advice but doesn't listen, why fucking bother? I mean with most people, I don't give them a straight answer. I give them options, and help them see a situation in a different way, to get a different point of view so they can find an answer on their own. If you find your own answer you gain more independence. I help them get that I guess. I give them my point of view, and the point of view of like 10 others, to help them figure out what fits them the best. There is a solution to every problem, but not everyone's brain can see the answer ya know? Just because you can't figure it out doesn't mean someone else can't either. You just need a different way of thinking to gain a new perspective, thats where I come in. With Brittany its different. I can't give her options because she is too dumb to figure out things on her own. I give her a straight fucking answer with no other way to do it, and she TRIES to find a different way to do it. She isn't too dumb to figure out, I take that back, she just THINKS that she can't, so she doesn't even try. Maybe she thinks shes trying, but spending five minutes contemplating whether or not its difficult to do is hardly trying. maybe if she would trust herself more she would gain more for herself. I mean when I would give her a new perspective she would totally look past it and go back to her own way of thinking. HELLO!!!!!! When you ask someone for advice fucking listen to it! You are already wasting their time with questions, you might as well at least think about their answers. I started giving her straight 100% right answers, and its like she would purposely do the opposite, then a day later tell me I was right to begin with. You would think that sooner or later a person would start changing the way they go about doing things. She has lower self esteem than I do, because at least I trust myself when it comes to certain things. She doesn't trust herself with shit. She wont even give herself the chance to prove to herself that she can do something on her own. She refuses. She's going to have a shitty life until she learns to take my advice and do some things on her own. This is the longest fucking post in the world, but I don't really care. I think that since she is so fucking spoiled that she expects everyone to pay 100% attention to her, and she expects everyone to do things her way. She is used to getting what she wants in some aspects. It could be a complete 180 also. She could have been deprived all her life and that is the reason why she clings so much. All I know is that if she stays clingy like this with everyone, she is going to lose every person she cares about. People can only take so much. Nobody likes drama like that. Now me, I'm always in the middle of every dramatic situation because everyone tells me everything. I'm always involved, but its fun interesting drama, not monotonous crap that NEVER ENDS. I really want to bitch about her more, but I'm sure she is reading this and she already feels like shit anyways so I'll stop. Its pretty sad that I have to stop my own thoughts and keep things to myself just to make someone else not feel as bad. One more thing: I'm sorry to Jessica for any stupid drama that I caused during the relationship. I really think I know how she feels right now, and I'm sorry for all of that. I hope that one day I can make it better just so I can have my best friend back. I'm really truly sorry. |
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| Post | ||||
| Dance | ||||
| 01:43pm 01/07/2003 | ||||
I don't think I can, some people say I can but who knows. Maybe only if I'm drunk haha. I don't mean like club dancing though. I want to do actual dances with formations and steps and all of that shit. That would be really cool. I think Brittany's friend Adina does that shit, so thats cool for her. Maybe I just want to do it because I never have before. I'm all about trying sports and things of that sort that I have't tried before. Okay this dance thing is gay. I just watched the "hip hop" section. I don't know what this section is, but girls are running around with big glittery hammers and shit. That is NOT what I had in mind. I think the hip hop shit was more entertaining. Anyways, I need to get up and get my ass going. I think I'm going to stop going to the weight lifting workouts and start just doing shit on my own. Maybe lift weights a few times a week with him, but thats it. I'm sick of having to go at certain times. I mean if there was a morning one that would be better too, because I work in the afternoon. Melissa called me into work, or at least tried. I only call people in when I really can't get to work. She calls people in just because she feels like it. uhhhh No. I don't have time for her shit. I was like umm NO I have soccer. I think I said it in a mean way, but that is because I was asleep. On Friday everyone wants to go out and get drunk. Fine with me, Adam is buying the alcohol :o) He has a big gallon thing of freakin tequila, and he bought a big gallon thing of Pucker's, so I'm good to go. Now I just need to decide if I want to take some Stackers haha. Actually, new rule: I will only do the whole Stacker thing with Brandi. I don't want to get addicted to that shit, and she is the only person that knows how I act with it, which shouldn't be too different than normal, but still. It's sad; the only time I ever drank with Brandi was the night we decided to be drugheads haha. Whatever. It was fun. I'm not going to turn into some big crackhead or whatever, so no worries to anyone that reads my shit. Okay I just saw the kicker team. That is the damn Bluebelle's. I mean it looks cool, and I don't want to put down any "sport" that anyone does, but I wouldn't do that. If I wanted to go running around kicking the air, I'll go back to tae kwon do. At least then I could put my kicking to good use. The kicking stuff does look cool though if done correctly. Ryan was a kicker haha. For Barbe and McNeese. Lacy is a kicker too. Actually, alot of people I know are kickers. Hmm...I'm popular whoo haha. Okay enough for now. Time to get something done! Hahaha side note: A new kicking team or whatever is on. They are dressed like the fembots on Austin Powers and they are playing the music to it hahahaha. |
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| Post | ||||
| Boredom | ||||
| 02:08am 01/07/2003 | ||||
I really need to get a loan so I don't have to worry about anything besides soccer for the next couple of months. It doesn't help that my mom doesn't support me. She is questioning my motives for wanting to do soccer. Sorry mom, unlike you I'm not out being an idiot having kids early like you did. I actually have the chance to do what I want and be what I want, so leave me the fuck alone or help me out with it, don't question it like I'm making some mistake by trying to be happy BITCH. I shouldn't complain about my mom, even though she is a hypocrit. She complains that Marcio (my dad) never helps out, but she isn't doing much either. All she does is bitch and complain about how I need to do shit, when I'm trying. Excuuuuuse me for trying to have a nice fucking life. Ugh. Okay, no more complaining. Haha with that new rule set, I have nothing to say. As usual, I had lots to say before I actually walked to the computer. I think I have problems getting my thoughts out the way I want to, maybe that's why I stay up all night. All I do is think about stuff. I need to stop doing this journal the way I am doing it. Instead of writing my stupid daily events, I need to start writing out my deeper thoughts and all of that bullshit. Maybe if I did that instead of using this to bitch I could accomplish something other than making myself seem like a depressed bitch haha. The past few days have been bullshit. I have actually been playing gay computer games. I think I always do this at some point in the summer. I find myself extremely bored and sink to the low levels of internet shit. Who knows. I just feel like a loser for being home. I used to never be home. I don't know what the deal is. Maybe its just midsummer "blues" or whatever. Everyone always wishes they were out of school, and as soon as summer is half over, they find they have nothing better to do except go to school. I don't know. Maybe if I actually went to class during the school year I would appreciate the vacation more. Whatever. I had one more thing to say, but I forgot what it was. Oh yeah...Jacob likes Kaci. Shh..I'm the only one that knows. That is a bad bad thing. He likes his best friends girlfriend. I knew that would happen. It was so obvious. I don't think Kaci would sink to Jacob's level though. I mean in a strictly superficial manner anyways. She goes out with "popular" rich guys, not band nerds like Jacob. I mean, he's a cool guy, but hes not the norm for a girl like Kaci. He isn't even the norm for a girl like me. Maybe I'm being snobby or whatever, but thats just how some things work. Jacob spent way too much time with Kaci when Adam was gone. I think Jacob is clingy. When he had nothing to do he clung to me, spent ALL the time at my apartment. When Adam isn't being an ass, Jacob is up it lol. When Adam is out of town he is up Kaci's ass. I don't knoowwww, I need new friends. I think Brandi would be a cool person to be friends with, but I also think she is probably slightly shady. She seems like shes the type that just follows her guys around and leaves her girl friends at home, unless there is absolutely nothing else to do. Who knows. Jessica is going to LSU after she graduates. Smart move kid. I think its hilarious that David asked her for another girls # a week after they broke up. Serves ya right bitch. Anyways, I need to transfer. My mom thinks I'm going to be some loser or something and stay here forever. YEAH RIGHT! Anyways, I think at this point in time, I would rather make a shitload of money rather than do something I like, because if I don't like it but make tons of cash, I can always go on vacations and retire early haha. Okay enough for now. Nite kids |
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| Post | ||||
| White Oleander | ||||
| 02:48am 30/06/2003 | ||||
Today was an okay day. Well all I did was sleep, but work was pretty good. Brandi is a cool girl. Today Brandi, Todd, and I were all complaining that our stomachs hurt. It was from the damn Stacker's haha. We were dumb and took some with our alcohol to um, enhance the effects haha. My first experimentation with "drugs," it was fun. I mean this morning my stomach hurt and stuff and I had to take a major crap (too much info. I know haha) but after I ate some food I was good to go. I think it was because none of us had eaten, and first off you are supposed to take Stackers with food, and secondly we drank, three combinations that probably aren't good together, but I had a great time. That was the first time in a while that I can say I truly had a good time partying. I mean I always have "fun" I guess when I go out, mostly because I'm drunk. But I had more fun with those two than I did with Ryan and Lacy, which is sad because this was the first time I went out with Brandi and Todd, but whatever. I think its because Brandi and Todd are more about having fun and stuff, and Ryan and Lacy are like let's get shitty then go home. I spent too much money though. If I'm going to be going out like that I need to have another job haha. I don't work with Brandi again until the 8th so I need to think of some fun stuff to bring to work. She is a cool kid though, I hope we hang out more. I really wanted to hook up with Beau, and I was drunk enough to where I was almost like "hey do you want to just kiss me or something because you're hot and I'm drunk" but I held back haha. Anyways, Buck told me he was breaking up with Lacy, but today was talking to Ryan about marrying her. I think he was just drunk, so I'm glad I didn't hook up with him because today we would both regret it. I watched White Oleander just now with Becky. That is a really good movie. I don't want to ruin the ending for anyone that hasn't seen it, but the ending made me really happy. I wish I was artistic. I wish I could draw and write music and paint. I wish I could write also. I mean I'm really good at essays, but ok, that just means I'm good at bullshitting everything. All you need to write a good paper is a topic you can BS on, and some grammar skills. I mean I have no grammatical knowledge when it comes to defining things and diagramming things, but I know how to write like an intelligent person, maybe not on here, but on real papers. That doesn't really get me anywhere. Jessica is a great writer, and she wants to major in journalism, which is great because she wants to do what she's good at. Me on the otherhand, I want to do something I'm good at, while also enjoying it, which is probably a normal need or want for a person to have, but I want that, and so far I haven't found anything. I mean, my major is psychology, which is fine, I like psychology, I'm good int he classes, the shit is interesting, but I think that I would rather LEARN about it, than actually do it. I mean I say I want to be a clinical psychologist or be a profiler, but I think that is just because those are two interesting things I can do in that field, I don't necessarily dream about becoming one you know? I don't know. I think everyone comes to that point in life when they have to grow up and decide on what they want for their life. I think that I don't want a 9-5 job. I don't want to do the same thing for the rest of my life. I want to travel, I want to be able to do something different. I need variety. Maybe what I need is a job I really love, but I don't want to pick a major and get a degree and be stuck with that forever. I'm not going to want to go back to school. Maybe I should be an actor, but I don't think I could deal with the rejections. I don't know. I need variety. Maybe that goes back to the whole Road Rules thing. You never know whats going to happen, and maybe being around other people will show me my own talents, and give me perspective on other things in the world. I mean I can't really have that kind of conversation with people here, because everything everyone talks about here is stuff that has recently happened, or will happen the next day. No one here has really traveled and lived and stuff besides Kaci, but she isn't the type of person to talk about it. Our "deep" conversation consisted of me talking about college and California and her talking about her little camp friends and stuff like that. I was happy with a shitty conversation like that, and thats sad. I need people to challenge me on different levels. I'm not talking about just intellectually, but overall. I don't know. I also think that I want to be corrupted or something. With friendships and everything like that, I have always been the "bad" one, not because of drugs or shit like that but like, overall. It seems like I have lived more than alot of people here, and everyone thinks I'm so innocent and stuff, which I am, but its different. With relationships I have always been the "experienced" one or whatever, and I'm not even that experienced, I want someone to "corrupt" me in that sense I guess. Whatever. I had that thought earlier, but I kind of lost it so I can't really elaborate. The only relationship that I was equally "experienced" was with Jessica, and that was great. I mean, we both had done the same shit, I mean I have done stuff with more people, and actually sober, but that didn't mean anything. We both knew the same stuff, which was basically nothing, so it was cool. We were both "virginal" because both of us had no idea what we were doing, so we kind of taught eachother I guess. I'm not talking just sexual because thats gross, I'm talking on different levels. Neither of us had ever been in a real relationship, especially same sex or whatever, and on "deep" levels we were the same. She had her writing, I had my music and my writing attempts, and we both suck at drawing haha. I mean I'm smarter than her, or have more knowledge, but that is only because I have been through better schooling and I'm a smart person, but we both had different wisdom when it came to different subjects, so we could actually talk. I miss that. I miss being able to just talk to someone about any thought I had, no matter how small. I can't do that with anyone here, probably because I can't trust half of the people here, but also because no one has been on the same level with me at all. I mean I know that no one will ever compare to Jessica but that is only because no one will ever know me like she does. Especially a guy, because I could never tell anyone about Jessica. I mean I'm not supposed to tell ANYONE about Jessica, but if I ever end up with a girl, which is highly unlikely because that is gross, it would be different because there would be similar aspects to the relationship. I have more to say about this, but this entry has been way too long. I wish this was like Lori's site where she has a page specifically for thoughts and things, and then her own section for her daily events and stuff like that. Okay this is enough for now, I need to go to the bathroom and wash up and all of that good stuff. I would like to say that I don't quite remember my entry from last nite, but I do remember saying something about puking. I did not puke. I think my stomach was hurting because I mixed liquor with beer, and I had coke, and carbonated stuff just doesn't mix after a while. I think my stomach gets upset after I have hard liquor with coke and stuff like that. I didn't puke, I drank some water, went to bed, woke up this morning, still felt drunk, got some Wendy's, and I was good to go. G'nite! |
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| Post | ||||
cheerful| Mixing Drinks | ||||
| 09:48am 29/06/2003 | ||||
Last night was really fun. Brandi is a cool girl. I don't have time to remember everythign that went on, I didn't hook up with anyone, which is great, and uhhh, I don't know what else. I'll give more details later, but right now I need to get ready for work! |
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| Post | ||||
| All I have to say.. | ||||
| 04:11am 29/06/2003 | ||||
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| Post | ||||
| Waking up | ||||
| 02:26pm 27/06/2003 | ||||
Okay that was weird, I just looked at my cell phone and had a missed call that was random, so I called it back and it ended up being Melissa's boyfriends moms phone number, and she said to call Melissa's cell phone, but Melissa's cell phone is at the bottom of the lake, so whatever. I know she wasn't calling for me to work for her today, because I already work, I close. Who knows. It was probably something stupid. It's sad that her boyfriend still lives at home, he's freakin 24. He doesn't even have a cell phone or anything. It's like he's 12 years old. Melissa also said she has to pay for everything and he never has any money. Loser. He needs to stop drinking so damn much and just get a job. It's not that difficult, being an employee somewhere. I need to call Yesterday's...ok I'm going to do that now... The phone is ringing, someone better answer. It's almost 3:00 on a Friday, ANSWER BITCHES! *sigh* still ringing, I guess I'll have to call on my way to work or something. I think I'm going to get ready at 3:30 instead of 4, have an extra 30 minutes to waste doing something. Well if I take a shower at 3:30, I'll be ready to leave by 4:30, and have an hour to go to my house and pick up my new medical and dental cards, go to Starbucks, just fuck around. I had more to say, but I'm getting sidetracked because the music playing is old and all I can think about is what other song I need to get. I'll write something INTERESTING later |
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| Post | ||||
busy| Diary of an Insomniac.. | ||||
| 04:36am 27/06/2003 | ||||
I need some variety in my life. All I do is sleep, go to work, hang out with the same damn people, sleep, eat, workout (occasionally lol). It's the same thing every day. I talked to Brandi about the whole skydiving thing. We might plan a trip. I always thought I would go with Jessica, but I don't think that will ever happen. I had a day dream about taking her for her 18th birthday, but she would probably ditch me and go bowling or something gay like that. I want to do something extreme with her, because we always planned to, and I kind of want at lest one good memory of her that will last, all of my old memories are starting to fade and only the bad shows. Anyways, I always have these interesting thoughts, but never when I'm writing. I wish I could just tape everything. AHHH that gay white stripes song is on with the damn moving triangles or whatever going through the screen. If I was Kim (epileptic roommate) I would totally have a seizure watching this shit. I can't even stand this and I'm not sick. I can't imagine watching this when I'm drunk. I'm not even facing the tv and the lights flashing off of my walls are bothering me. Their songs suck too. They look too much alike to have ever been married. I had a funny thought. Okay Ashton Kutcher is weird and is dating Demi Moore right? Well what if she just busted out one day and was like "hey Ashton, you thought we were dating, well you just got punk'd bitch!"... That would be hilarious, the only good explanation to why she is dating someone half of her age. Okay maybe my thought wasn't very funny, but I was half asleep when it came to me. Just another random Kim thought. I need change in my life. I'm gonna bitch about that until something interesting happens. Maybe because its about mid summer, or almost, and I'm already feeling the boredom. I don't know why, I never went to fucking class to begin with. Who knows. I always do this every once in a while. The last time I was this bored was in October when Jessica first got grounded (or so she says) and that's when I met Brittany. I don't have enough patience to find another Brittany, or to stick with someone as dramatic as her, but I want to meet someone new. Who knows. I'm not going to find anyone interesting here though, I know that for sure. Everyone is the same here. Lori said she would do something with me this weekend. I don't know if I want to. All she is going to do is gossip, and try to get info. on Jessica. I'm sick of having to talk about Jessica. I almost regret some shit I said when I was pissed because other people aren't going to let it go. I went back and read all of the bitching I did about Jessica, and I'm still pissed, but its hard to keep the hate going when she's being nice. I wish my mom a happy early birthday, its Saturday. She will be 38. Yeah I know she's young..shut up it doesn't matter. She's going to stay at a haunted house for the weekend, then she's going to the hospital. Great birthday. I don't know what to get her. I can't really afford to get anything for her, but I have to think of something. Okay I'm not really writing anything interesting or worth reading, so I guess I'm going to go search for some water to drink then try to go to bed AGAIN. I hate when people come in my room and knock on my door and shit when I'm trying to sleep. maybe if I changed out of my khakis I would be able to sleep better. I never put on pajamas I'm always falling asleep in my clothes because I stay up until I just pass out from either boredom or exhaustion. Lori made an interesting comment about how do I sleep. Whatever. I might be a cocktail waitress at a bar, did I mention that? I need to call the place tomorrow. One step closer to being a bartender. I hate Pink, she sucks. What's the next song on...."la la la la" what the fuck is that? Okay definitely time for bed when songs you don't even know start playing. Goodnight! |
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| On the Phone | ||||
| 02:15pm 26/06/2003 | ||||
I bought Altoid a new cage. Its cool. He buries his self under the shit at the bottom because this cage doesn't have a house. I'm going to try and find something to cover this part on the upstairs thing so he has a place to hide, because he likes that. Anyways, I'm about to ask Becky it we can make him a little sign to put above his cage because I'm bored and have nothing to do. Last night I was really bored, so I got on the internet and talked to new people. They weren't some random internet strangers, I talked to Rio, which is Brittany's friend (haha whoops) and I drank because I was bored. Ryan called me to go to KD's because there were a bunch of Roadhouse and Outback people there, but I was drunk and decided hey lets not drive! I was smart. Anyways, what else what else.. My mom is going to the hospital on Monday to have a colonoscopy, that doesn't sound too fun. I told Jessica about it, if she ends up having to have surgery I'm going to try and get Jessica to go with me, because no one else cares, and no one else knows my mom as well as Jessica. Jessica was like a second daughter to my mom. When she was sick at my house my mom would go to the store and buy her medicine and stuff haha. Little does my mom know about the whole Jessica thing.. I also thought of something. When Jessica came over the day and I showed her my belly button ring, she was like soooooo you have had one FOREVER and haven't told me..and I was like no I got it in March. She was like well that was 3 months ago and you never told me. Did she forget that April and May was spent hating me? Did she forget that we didn't talk for about 2 months? hmm, I don't....wait..I just got sidetracked. Again Brittany pisses me off..whatever..ugh..I should just stop talking to her. I mean, she never listens to me first off, when I'm right about everything. I will tell her one thing, she will do the opposite, then come back and be like yeah Kim you were right. Okay, I'm not going to bitch about Brittany in here anymore. I'm not going to bitch about Jessica either. I think she is either trying to do something really bad by making me think she gives a shit and then she's going to pull another 180 on me, or she's really making an effort to be friends again, so until I know for sure, I'll keep my negative comments to myself on her. I mean, I kind of knew/hoped all along that one day she would realize that she has no reason to hate me. I mean I still want a reason, but I think it had something to do with David Jerkins, so now that he is out of the picture, things might go back to normal. Whatever, until I knwo something for sure, I'm not going to talk about it because I really don't want there to be hate. One day I want to be able to show her this journal, and that day things might get really bad, but at least I'll be honest about everything. Okay that is enough right now, because I have work in less than two hours, and I want to make Altoid a sign. I need to get ahold of Jacob so I know who is working to find out if I can get my Starbucks for free or not.. |
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| Ugh | ||||
| 11:15pm 25/06/2003 | ||||
I'm also sick of acting all nice and shit and being positive around EVERYBODY because I'm afraid they are going to be like "oh too bad...you're negative get away" like Jessica. And even if I'm negative at times, I'm still just doing it because thats what is expected of me. I'm sick of being the freakin person that has to start up freaking conversations because no one has anything to talk about. I want to talk to Jessica because maybe she has something new to say. I mean I don't want to hear shit about her dumb friends, but at least she has shit to say that I already don't know, or at least haven't heard from her yet. I don't know. I need to do something exciting, something crazy. My little business venture is probably really gay and will never work, but at least it was something to talk about. I need new people. Everyone is the freaking same here. I'm sick of it. I'm sick of having reasons to bitch. I just need a major change, and I always say that but I don't know how to change that. I'm also sick of having no one to vent to. If I'm pissed off its just too bad because no one cares, and no one understands me. Whatever. If I was in a better situation I wouldn't have to fucking bitch all of the time. If there was a first time reader coming on they would be like "ok she has issues" and I really don't, I'm just pissed off because it's 11:19 pm and I'm at home. That NEVER happens. Okay its my first day off in FOREVER and all I did was sit in my bed all day. I got nothing accomplished, except buying a hamster cage, and I still feel bored. I'm BORED! I need to do something exciting soon or I'm going to turn into a real bitch. |
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bored| Running | ||||
| 09:28am 24/06/2003 | ||||
If it wasn't for Ryan, I would still be sleeping. I don't know if I should thank her or shoot her haha. Anyways, Jessica.. She came over yesterday and we didn't fight or anything. It wasn't really awkward, it was like we were friends again, which leads me to believe that she either wants to be my friend, she wants to play me again, or she's doing something evil and I just don't know it. I just feel like some bad will come out of her being nice. She's nice, so I'm gonna be nice back, then she's gonna be like "just because I was nice doesn't mean we are friends or anything" and that is going to royaly piss me off and we will be back to square one. In other news, her and David broke up. Great news. Maybe she is being nice because she doesn't have David being a bitch in her ear. Maybe all of this shit was caused by David to begin with. I don't know. I still have no answers and I'm still pissed about that but I can't really do anything about it so I shouldn't care, but I do. One thing I learned from her, to care. It sucks. I'm trying to go back to my "don't care about anything at anytime" thing, because it was much easier to not care, and if I did care, it was easier to just not show it to others. If you don't care, you can't get hurt, and who wants to get hurt? I'm really confused about the whole Jessica thing. I just don't know if I have a good feeling about it or a bad feeling, but for my own sake I want to stray towards the gray area. I went to Kaci's last night and we listened to a great variation of shitty music, including RENT, Hillary Duff, and some old 80's shit. It was boring, but better than nothing. At Brandi's apartment last night I think she was uncomfortable with Ryan, but there was nothing I could do. |
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hyper| More | ||||
| 06:09pm 23/06/2003 | ||||
I just want everything to be ok. I don't want to HAVE to hate her just because everyone says I should, and just because she acts like she hates me. I don't want to HAVE to try with people. I don't want to stay here forever. I can't wait until I get my act together and get out of this place. I just came to ANOTHER realization. I know why I need Jessica so much. I need her to push me to become what I want because no one else will. I can't push myself. I need to have someone give me the drive. Her ignoring me makes me WANT to strive for more, but if she was actually there as at least a friend, then maybe I could do what I wanted. I need her to push me, and I'm afraid that she doesn't give a shit, and that I'll be nothing out of my own stupidity. I can't push myself. I did that for too fucking long. I need her to help me. Not in any psychological ways or bad ways. I need her to help me become what I want. I need her to help me figure out what I want. I just with I hadn't helped her so much that I forgot about myself. She doesn't know it, but when we would argue about me studying and shit and my grades, her showing she cared actually did help me care more..I did go to class..I didn't study..but I got better. When I would go through my studying kicks..it was because of something that happened with her. She is my drive. That's all there is to it. I may never get that, but I know that she can help me become what I want. She always made it clear that she wants to help people. This would be a new kind of help for me. No one cares if I succeed. She kept me here, she should at least follow through and help me become what I want. I'm already a better person because of her, but better isn't good enough for me. I think that I say I need her, because when she showed that she cared, it gave me a reason to care. When she stopped caring I thought "well no one cares why should I?" And I'm not throwing myself some fucking pity party..its true. No one ever took me seriously except her. I think I just need her to show she cares (even though she doesn't) that way I'll care enough to succeed in my goals. Maybe I don't need her to drive me towards that, maybe I just need her to help me find a goal. Okay time to pee..brb |
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contemplative| The day lol | ||||
| 05:22pm 23/06/2003 | ||||
Fuck I forgot what I was going to say...Oh yeah..everytime I see Jessica I just get sick...still no offense, she's just the one person that can make me feel sick because of one stupid thing. The whole situation drives me crazy. It's like I should avoid her even though I don't want to. I saw her today at the book store and I said hey and she just kept walking. If it was the "old days" I would have walked up to her or something. This time I just yelled hey real quick, then realized oh wait I'm not supposed to adress her in public..and just put my head down and got a bad feeling. Then of course I had to piss because I got nervous or something, and of course passed by her again, then again, then again. I had to get paper towels because we ran out. I almost like ran into the girl and she didn't even notice. That's pretty sad. Maybe I should just forget that I was ever friends with her and if I see her, just pretend she isn't there. In my mind I can't just pretend I don't see her, but I can stop making efforts. Maybe that is what I will do. Stop trying to be her friend. She is being nice to me now, but that doesn't mean she doesn't hate me. I absolutely HATE having a bad feeling whenever I think about her. She was my best friend, I should be happy when she is mentioned or when I see her, not nervous and sick and pissed. Plus its hard. Other people are making it worse. Everyone is trying to convince me to hate her, and sometimes it works. Yes I call her a bitch at times, but I haven't said anything that I really shouldn't say. I mean, I never talked about her before she gave me a reason. I don't blatantly talk about her. If she is mentioned I'm like uh huh ok and ignore it, then think in my head GOD I hate her or ugh she's a bitch. I don't know. This whole thing is fucking stupid. I can't wait to move. Today was a pretty good day. I got a muffin from Starbucks for lunch, I didn't get hit on by anybody. I mean yeah I saw Jessica and David and Krystle and that made those few minutes suck, but that's what I get for staying here. I should have never stayed in Lake Charles for her. I shouldn't have. I don't know. I'm sick of this whole thing. I need to clean up and stuff before the shit hits the fan. I don't know why I'm assuming something bad is going to happen. Comes with Jessica territory. I mean its really fucking sad when shes nice to me and I wonder why she is. Maybe I'm just used to being treated like poo. Well, she has everything going for her, and can utilize her talents. She will be something important. I have shit going for me, I just don't know what that is yet. I want to be someone. I want people to WANT to know me, not feel like they should. I don't want to live life feeling sorry for myself. I'm sick of feeling like shit because of her. Jessica is going to be the person that either holds me back, or drives me to be better. I just wish I knew how it was going to turn out. Maybe her ignoring me is a good thing. Maybe her cutting ties with me will allow me to go off on my own...move away. I'm not ready to not be her friend anymore. I still need her for some things. I can't be completely independent. I did that for too long. This could all be a good thing in the end, I'm just not ready for it right now. I'm ready to move on geographically, but relationship wise, I'll always be alone, and I have to live with that. At least I'll have better memories than most people have. I have my memories, but its the present that will either bring me down or push me up..I just wish I knew which route it's going to take. I mean..she used me until she was done, why couldn't she just wait until I was too? Its all good. I'm happy for her if she is happy with ALL of her choices. If she's happy with not having me as anything whatsoever..props to her..good job. You got what you wanted (I think) and I hope you always do. |
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| Can't Sleep! | ||||
| 04:54am 23/06/2003 | ||||
I just think its not fair that I spent three years with her, and I can't even see the outcome of what kind of impact I had on her. I mean, I feel like I helped her through really bad times, and I don't even get to see what kind of a person she is now. She could be better or worse, but I don't get to see that, and thats definitely not fair. I mean after three years of helping me you would think that she would want to see how I turned out, but I guess I wasn't worth it. I just wish we could be normal. I wish that everytime her name was mentioned it wouldn't be related to something bad. I mean everytime someone mentions her it is because they want to know how bitchy she has been. People ask me "hey are you and Jessica still friends" and I'm like "I'm not sure, but I highly doubt it." "Why what happened?" "I'm not really sure, but if you hear anything let me know!" It's shit like that that just isn't cool. I mean, yeah what she did was wrong, but it was caused because of something I did. I am totally alone and its my fault. I mean, I have no one to turn to. I have all of these things that I want to do in life, but no one gives a shit. No one cares about what I have to say anymore. If I have a dream that I want to fullfill, I have no one to share it with because no one takes me seriously. I mean sure I am the smartass that jokes around and is sarcastic about everything, but at least Jessica SAID she believed in me. She kept me going when no one else cared. Without that why should I even bother? I want to move and get away from here, become a better person, live in a big city where I can be what I want, when I want. No one cares that I want to do that. Brennan at work said he's moving to Austin in August because he wants to be an actor and stuff like that. I think thats great, but I think there is more to it. He seems like a cool kid, he gets to do what he wants. That's great. I wish I could do what I want. I want to be on Road Rules, I want to travel, I want people to give a shit about what I say. I want to be something important. I want to impact many people on many levels, and I believe that Road Rules can help me do that, but does anyone care? No. I feel so negative right now. I have to remember to act perfectly happy today when Jessica is here, because negativity is no longer allowed. She hangs around the fake happy people now, so I should be happy too. I mean, the only sadness I have involves my living situation, the feeling that I wont accomplish my goals, and of course..Jessica. She is my main sadness right now because she is the only friend that I stayed around for. She is the only person that ever cared about me without having some other selfish intention. Sure Brittany says she cares, but of course she does. She relies on me for everything. She's totally dependent on me. Jacob just needs someone to do stuff with when he is bored. Kaci probably doesn't give a shit. Ryan needs someone to party with when she has no one else to go out with. People at Outback need someone to talk to at work. Adam is just an ass. Britnie needs a friend when other Adam is busy. Derrick is just obsessed. Josh needs someones ass to grab. Erin doesn't even count as a friend anymore, just a soccer friend that moved back home and did what she wanted to. Soccer girls can definitely care less, and that goes both ways. I know soooooooo many people all over the place, but no one really gives a shit. Erin was right about what she said about people having alterior motives to everything. Everyone I ahve known except Jessica. I don't know. Maybe she is just like everyone else, or even worse, I just choose not to see it. Today is going to be a bad day, and that sucks because I'm trying to see the positive in things. I hate Joe Muggs, but I'll make money. I hate lifting weights, but then again, I like it. I hate running, but I'll lose weight. Jessica hates me, but...umm...well nothing lol. I hate school, but I need it to get out of here. I hate waiting and I'm very impatient, but the best things in life are worth waiting for, and I have been waiting 11 years for road rules, maybe longer, I forget. I just wish that for once everything could be ok. This has nothing to do with Jessica. I miss being happy. The last time I was happy was in Austin. I need a change and I need it soon. Jessica will probably live here all of her life. She will probably become one of those annoying Christians with nothing else to do, and marry someone just like her, and always have me as a secret. I probably don't even cross her mind anymore so why should she cross mine? Actually, she hasn't for a few weeks, not unless someone brings her up. I mean at night when I'm thinking about random things, I wonder what she's doing, but she doesn't bother me like she used to. I knwo that I took the whole thing alot harder than she cares to see, so I'm sure I don't even register on the brain scale for her at all. Oh well, what's a best friend? Someone to use until they have nothing else to give you, then its time to move on to bigger and better things. When are my bigger and better things going to come? |
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| 12:32pm 22/06/2003 | |||
| And another thing, I need to clean my damn hamster cage lol | |||
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| Jessica.. | ||||
| 12:18pm 22/06/2003 | ||||
She is coming over tomorrow to bring me my watch. My mom noticed that I never have it so I had to get it back. I think also I was so intent on getting it back was so see her. She said she's coming on her way to work, so she will be alone and thats a good thing. I just want a moment where there isn't hostility. I want just a few minutes to show her I'm not that bad ya know? After three years, I have to still care about her, but more than that, I want to. I don't think I "love" her anymore only because she doesn't love me (I don't think) and there is no point to. I do want to be her friend, but its like, so many people know about our "problems" that other people would keep our friendship apart. I KNOW that other people kept her up on this "lets hate Kim" bullshit, and that's not cool. Like I said a long time ago, I used to be her reality check because she's gullible and other people suck, but she stayed away for so long that what I said didn't matter. Also, she's being nice about the whole watch thing. I don't know if that is because she knows once she gives me that we have no ties and she can forget about me, or if she is genuinely being nice. Another reason she wouldn't be my friend ever, there is no trust. Anyways, I also think that she has bad motives for everything now. Something bad is coming from this bringing the watch shit. I just have a feeling its going to be a bad moment and just kill any chance of at least LESS hatred between us. Maybe I was too into her or something and pushed her away. Maybe she was scared. Maybe I really did make her feel bad about herself. She was only in high school, hell I was only in college, we had serious shit going. Maybe it was too serious, and I fucked it up. Maybe she got sick of me like she gets sick of everyone. I mean now she's with David, her longest relationship besides me, maybe I taught her how to be with people. I don't know. She needs to tell me because the more I think about it the more upset I get, because I hate things being my fault. I don't even care that we aren't "together" or whatever anymore. I can't do anything about it so why care? I do care but its pointless so I don't. I just want to know why, and I want to be her friend. Friday night when I had nowhere to go because of the fucking front door, I was driving around and I passed her street up, and I HATED the fact that I couldn't go to her because I had nowhere else to go. I HATED it. It hurt so bad to know that I couldn't go to her with anything, no matter how big. I hate the fact that if my grandpa dies I have no one to talk to about it. She's the only one here that has even met him so she is the only one that cares, and I HATE that there is a chance that she might not give a shit. Okay enough depressing shit. Congrats to my mom for passing her housing inspection test thingy. I think she gets to start her own business now, or is on the next step to getting there. Good job! I need to mail my ticket money tomorrow or I'm screwed.. |
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awake| Pogs | ||||
| 02:01am 20/06/2003 | ||||
Everyone either goes out and gets drunk, has sex, or sits around. People can't be adventurous here. I mean, my adventure for the week will probably be MAYBE going to Crystal's, which is fine, I have never been to a "gay bar" but still, big fucking deal. *sigh* I need some Road Rules adventures coming around soon or I'm going to explode. I need to meet new people that don't live here and don't know anyone from here. Everyone is the same here, I don't fit in. I mean, I'm not some big loser, but I'm also not going out of my way to be like everyone else to fucking be popular. I know everyone, everyone knows me, some people actually like me. I mean working out with football players for one week makes me something I guess, since now random football players that I don't even know honk at me when they drive by and wave, and I wave back with the "who the fuck are you" smile on my face like I give a shit. I miss Austin. I mean, I was sick of the damn accents, but I miss the experience. I miss meeting new people, being in a new type of surrounding. I bigger, normal city. I could be whoever I wanted to be there, and for once, it was ok to be me. I mean, I was the funny one again. I can have a dry sense of humor without hurting peoples feelings and causing awkward silence. I mean here I know that half of the people here are idiots (which sucks to have thoughts like that because I make myself seem conceited and a bitch, well I am a bitch but whatever) but I feel like I'm above people intelligence and common sense wise, so I have a bad attitude towards everything. I mean COME ON, when it takes a guy 5 minutes to explain how to wipe off a fucking counter, you know he has problems. Okay pogs...remember a long time ago when pogs were cool? I had this discussion a few times today. Pogs are those little flat round cardboard things that you lay on the ground upside down and use a "slammer" to flip them over with..blah blah...anyways, that brings back memories. I miss those days. Pogs were so cool. That was THE thing when I was in elementary school. Pogs and soccer, thats all we needed. I miss being an innocent little kid. I really miss the beach. I mean everytime I hear about a California college I am glued just to see if I have heard of or used to know the people. I mean I was in the "jock/popular" crowd, someone I know is bound to play college athletics. I mean..I do, why not someone else? I'm worse than I used to be, I'm sure if I stayed there I would be so fucking awesome. Anyways, my wrist hurts, I hate this fucking keyboard. I wish my split one still worked. I still dont understand why it broke. Mystery.. |
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| xokimox | ||
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