| Twice Today | ||||
| 11:24pm 02/09/2003 | ||||
I drank a Kamakazi tonite, well two actually because mine broke (hahaha) and Jacob didn't like his. The bottom fell out of my damn drink! I chugged down Jacob's, its funny, its like the only time I see Jacob now is so he can buy me alcohol lol. I mean I haven't seen him in forever and he walks in the door and I'm like hey buy me a drink at Frosty Factory lol. Ugh I had alot more to say earlier. I think its really funny when people tell you to call them back and you do 5 minutes later, and they fell asleep. I need to get this person to wake up though b/c they stole their parents cell phone, and their dad will beat em if they get caught..literally. My hands smell like shit b/c I had to clean up the big mess after my damn cup broke. I think Patchy's detergent is gross or something b/c all of her towels smell like mildew. Great. I need to go make Heather do her Algebra homework, but she is on the phone with Meeeeegan. I think they have something going on. They are more affectionate than me and Jessica were, and you know what that was about haha. I need to do my stat but I don't feel like it. I think I'm slacking b/c I know I have a long time to play catch up or something. Anyways, I had so much more to say earlier but of course I got distracted. I didn't go to Abs of Steel today so I feel like crap haha. Love is a strange thing, you feel like you are going to get in trouble with a parent or something if you do anything wrong. I feel like a little kid if I'm doing something I know they are going to get mad at. Oh there is a hottie that lives by me. I don't know his name but I worked out with him during the summer. He invited me over there and I think I might know his roommates so I might stop by for a little bit. Yeah that sounds bad, talking about love one minute and then the next minute talking about some hot guy, but I think its a fun tease haha. It proves to me that the person still cares if they are like "no don't go over there." Which is good, because even though I think I'm in love and stuff, I still have my usual guard up. I don't think anyone can ever break down that shield. Did I mention that I think my mom might be a lesbian? I hate how her and Laurie talk about me, so right now they can kiss my ass. Ugh |
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busy| Again long time no talk | |||
| 12:20pm 02/09/2003 | |||
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Sooo I haven't written in forever, as usual. Its so strange, I used to write in this thing every freaking day and now its only if I'm seriously bored. So I finished my Real World tape..I don't know if I did a good job or not, but I guess I'll find out soon! I had to do it 3 times before it was short enough, I had too much to say about myself I guess lol. The one they get to see is "this is the third fucking time I'm attempting to do this tape, so I'm going to make this short and sweet b/c I'm not going to bullshit you guys. I'm not gonna go out and film myself bungee jumping b/c thats not something I do everyday even though I would like to." haha thats VERY me..bitchy, but to the point haha. So some new things have developed since I have last written, which was who knows how long ago. I take my SASSY test on Thursday, which determines if I'm an alkie or not...hilarious lol. On Saturday stupid fucking Courtney brought ALCOHOL into our apartment. She should know better after what went on, but I guess some people have problems. I mean I get home from work and she's in her room by herself with the lights off swiggin a beer. She got drunk off of ONE beer and passed out, so I got a good laugh. There is a beeping coming from Heather's room and I don't know what it is, but its been beeping ALL FUCKING WEEKEND and its really annoying. I am being slightly more scholastic this semester, minus Chemistry (I have only been once so far haha), so I'm not worried about class YET. I have to write a paper in Abnormal Psych. about a disorder, so I'm going to write about gender dysphoria. Hmm, I think I might know some people with something like that...not mentioning anyone...hahahaha. I have a new "love interest" I guess. It could be actual love, and I say it is, but I can't say yet if its something that is meant to be. As always, it changes with my mood and sometimes I'm really bitchy, but for some reason its different this time and they piss me off more than I piss them off. Okay my room smells like hampster and I have TONS more to say but I don't feel like it. I haven't seen Jacob in like a week its been great hahahaha...he's a fag..gender dysphoria lol |
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| That Damn Contest | |||
| 04:47am 15/08/2003 | |||
| its all pure fucking drama. The contest officially ends like 5 hours after its supposed to..i couldnt win b/c the site is fucked up..the person that DID win when the contest ended that said he would take me just got DQed, brandi's name keeps poppin up and off of it..my name is in caps one minute, and not the next, john proctor got DQed...this is fucked up. i dunno whats goin on but they need to DQ Gabriel b/c its prolly him thats messin w/ it | |||
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| This Sucks | ||||
| 01:59pm 13/08/2003 | ||||
I think Heather and I are on bad terms, which is funny b/c neither of us have done anything wrong. Last nite she was crying in her room and I had Jacob call her and she told him what was wrong, and I knocked on her door and she was bitchy to me so I have ignored her the whole day lol. I had him call her again and she said my door was closed so she wasn't going to bother me, and her door is closed so I'm not going to bother her lol. Aw thats sad, Jack killed the fucking dog on the Osbournes. Bastard. You don't get violent in your sleep its a fact, I know all about sleep patterns and shit and blah blah and you don't get violent in your sleep. Ugh, Jack sucks. Aw thats so sad. If I killed a dog I would feel like complete shit. WAIT WHAT THE HELL?? Oh that was staged GOD DAMMIT I actually felt bad!! Assholes!! hahahaha That was good, I felt like shit haha. Wait...everything is staged? I thought it was real? What the hell? Hold on I'm confused. Okay whatever. True life: I'm a neglected bf and gf. Hahaha that would be Brittany if we were actually going out. She would be the one getting ignored and I would be the one telling her to leave me alone. Hmm..should I feel bad that she would be neglected? No, because I warned her from the start not to get involved b/c I hurt everyone, so I guess its her fault for not listening to me. Well anyways it doesn't really matter, I mean we live in totally different states, so nothing would have happened, plus she's a girl, which is GROSS. Okay anyways, I have alot to say as usual, but I'm hungry, so..bye |
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good| Whoa | ||||
| 12:08pm 08/08/2003 | ||||
Some news: I have two new roommates..Heather and Patchy. Heather is totally normal which is really cool, we already got her drunk lol. She's not deformed or anything...she's pretty, shes normal, shes athletic, NORMAL WHOOOOOOOOO!! Okay Patchy is a different story. Patchy's real name is Courtney, but she wears an eye patch, and we think she might be missing an eye...we aren't sure lol. So I have Epi Kim, Heather, and Patchy. Looks like an interesting year. I think Adam is overly heterosexual, meaning hes definitely gay. He calls Jacob gay but I think Adam is the fag. Shit I lost total concentration. Okay I'm out for now, I don't remember waht I had to say |
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crazy| Been a While | ||||
| 11:42am 01/08/2003 | ||||
I think I'm purposely doing things to Brittany right now. I think I'm purposely ignoring her so it will help her "get over me" or whatever. I think the more I answer the phone and talk to her the longer she's going to stay attached. Maybe I'm not doing anything on purpose, maybe I'm just tired and not answering the phone lol. Anyways...the people on the contest message board are annoying. People arguing with me saying I'm cheating, and then people defending me, ok..get lives people. I mean its great that people are defending me, but it would be even better if they didn't have to in the first place, but I guess some people are immature. I have to hold some things in right now b/c I know who reads my journal, and I know that some things that have been going on might piss them off or surprise them, and I know I'm going to be asked about it, but, for now I have to keep some things in. I know I usually have more to say, but I need to get out of my apartment and get some shit done. |
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awake| Wow | ||||
| 04:27am 22/07/2003 | ||||
Just because it requires effort doesn't make it bad. Lets see how long I last before I say fuck it and do something else with my time. I mean, spending all night on the internet is not my idea of a life. Maybe this is a normal thing for all of the other weirdos on the thing, but for me, no. Sure I get on the internet and shit, but not for hours just to beat out some bitch that thinks she can make a move on my first place. Some boring news: Altoid uses his wheel to run on now. He finally caught on that those things aren't there to take up space. I started taking diet pills, lets see how long that lasts. I'm not one to fuck up my life with stupid shit like that, so I'm sure I'll be over it in a week. I mean right now I'm just bored. I'm thinking about getting an eyebrow ring. I better win this damn contest.. I have so much more to say, but the internet hoe finally went to sleep, so I don't have to stay up trying to keep my lead. Plus Becky will be gone all day tomorrow fixing her car, and I have to do laundry all day, so I'll get a bunch tomorrow. It also helps that Brittany is helping me, and Rachael is too so thats cool. Thanks guys. I have ALOT to say actually, but I'm sick of leaning over typing shit. This enough for now, but I have ALOT to discuss... |
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tired| Something Smells? | ||||
| 11:55am 18/07/2003 | ||||
So I'm being a loser with that whole Road to Reality thing haha. I'm still in first place, which I don't really care. If its 3 in the morning and I have nothing else to do and I can't fall asleep, I might as well be competetive. Becky gave me all of her email adresses so that helped alot. I think she ended up giving me over 50 of them. I talked to Eric Nies in an email and he said that Rachel was on location at the new Challenge and she should be back around the 15th, which is when the contest ends. Mike from RW 10 is there too, his site says the Challenge ends until the 13th. I wonder who is going to make it to the end this time? I hope Emily is on it so someone can kick her ass haha. Okay now that I have displayed that I am a LOSER (or just really fucking bored) lets talk about something else. I found out Jessica has had a new screen name forever but she just never told me. I basically told her that I caught her because on her OLD screen name she would get on maybe twice a month, and when she gave me her new screen name, telling me that she never uses it, all of a sudden she has her name on 24/7 haha. I caught her because I was like "So do you leave your name on all of the time now even when you aren't there?" and she was like "oh sometimes I do." And I was like "Oh so you DO use this screen name alot." and she was quiet for a second and she was like "Yes, sometimes." And I was like "Well I figured you did b/c all of a sudden when I know your new screen name, you are on all of the time." And either she didn't understand what I was saying to her, or she is stupid because she said something completely different that didn't even matter. I think she was trying to play it off. Nice job dumbass! So anyways, I think I get my cell phone bill today. Not a good thing! Sunday morning I'm coming to get 4 days worth of tip share, and I just got my check, so hopefully I'll be able to pay my bill and have at least half of what I need to pay for my rent in August. I hope I get approved for my loan..the award letter still hasn't come in yet. That makes me mad, just send the damn thing! I think we are going to be getting alot of large parties tonight because of the Little League World Series. Those little boys are so cute! Last night I played with em for like 2 hours when they came to eat. We had alot of parties last night...2 parties of 25, a party of 40, some parties of 10...and its a Friday night so I'm assuming we are going to be busy again. That's fine with me, I'm working the door so I don't have to listen to everybodies shit. Brandi gets to deal with all of the assholes tonight so hahaha! Jacob, Adam, and Kaci are coming back tomorrow, and I'm supposed to go eat at IHOP with Jacob when I get off of work so we can talk to Toby one last time before he stops working there, because after he is gone we aren't going they anymore b/c the people that work there are complete trash. Toby went out with Anna Popov...GROSS. First off, she's fat, and for some reason I'm a bitch and make fun of fat people. Secondly, shes conceited. I mean, sure the girl can sing, but she isn't THAT great, so shut the fuck up nobody likes your ass. This might sound like jealousy to some people, but I'm not a horrible singer either, and I don't weigh 500 lbs so I think I'm good to go. I'm not saying I'm a GREAT singer, but I don't think I'm completely awesome when I'm not. I sing in the damn car, and I used to sing in chorus. Big deal...she was in show choir..they suck half of the time anyways haha. I need to get my keyboard fixed b/c this piece is hurting my wrist. I'll write more later as soon as something interesting happens haha. |
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mellow| Ugh | ||||
| 04:17am 17/07/2003 | ||||
Ever since the "problems" with her, I have been completely screwed up. I didn't know anyone could mess with me as much as she did, and I HATE her for that. I totally hate her for so many things, but its like, shes acting normal, so I should just not care..as usual..and get over it. Its not fair. I want fucking closure and she wont give it to me on purpose. Why is it so fucking hard for her to just come over or something, and discuss it with me. Everything with her is so damn difficult. She does this on purpose. She says I love to put her on the spot, well she likes to fuck with my head and she does a damn good job. Until I get closure I don't think I'll ever be able to trust anyone, have a relationship, open up to anyone, or anything of that sort. She knows this I think. Is this her twisted way to keep me on the back burner just in case other people don't work out? I mean, I already question the entire friendship, what more can she do to me? I just want closure, and I think that other people can see I'm a different person because of this. I mean everytime her name is brought up there is some dark undertone like OOOH they said the J word. Everyone thinks I should care when she does something or goes out with somebody, and I really don't. She is her own person and always has. I mean, I wish I could trust her enough to have the conversation that is desperately needed with her. Its sad that I'm afraid of her. I'm afraid she will cut me off again with less closure than I already have. I'm afraid if I bring anything up something bad will happen. I mean she already acts like nothing happened. She acts like the three years never existed in the first place. She is acting like she doesn't care, but then bitches at me for not caring about anything. I hate bitching about her because she really is a good person. Not alot of people see it, but not alot of people know her like I do. Its like, no matter how much she tries to get away from me, there will always be stuff about me and her or whatever that she can't tell. She will never be able to trust anyone as much as me because there is stuff she can't tell anyone. No matter what there is stuff that she will have to hide forever, and no one else will have that with her. That's her fault but whatever. I don't even know what I'm trying to say. She can be a great friend when she wants to, but she can be my worst enemy too. Maybe its bad that I ever opened up to her. Maybe I should have kept things to myself a long time ago, because then she wouldn't be able to get to me as much as she does. Don't get me wrong, shes a great person, I love her to death. But, I wish I didn't and thats not a good thing. She was the best friend I ever had, but she totally ruined my mentallity on alot of things, and she doesn't even give a shit. Thats what sucks the most. She knows she's killing me with certain things, and she doesn't even care. She doesn't care enough to give me closure, she doesn't care that she ruined alot of things for me. Its like it never even happened and I'm retarded for caring, but then again she thinks that I should care about stuff. She made it clear she doesn't want to talk about it anymore, so I guess AGAIN I have to keep things built up inside. AGAIN I can't say what I want to her. Lets add MORE shit for me to think about and never solve. She's adding more things to my list of "things I need to learn not to care about" so she's just adding to my reasons to not care about anything. If she doesn't give me closure on anything, what does she expect me to do? If I care then she will drive me insane because Jessica does NOT equal closure. If I don't care then I'm choosing to be bitchy and wrong and blah blah blah. I don't know what to do, and I can't talk to anyone about it, so again, why bother to care? She tells me I should care about stuff, but at the same time she doesn't care that she's killing my spirit by not telling me what I need to know. I mean ok I should care about stuff, but the stuff I do care about right now, she doesn't, and its her thing to tell me, not the other way around. I mean, if she has something to ask me she can..and she knows this. Why can't it go both ways? Why can't I ask her things I want to without having to worry what she is thinking or how she is going to react? Our whole friendship was based on stuff like that, and its completely gone, and whats fucked up is I don't even know if its my fault or not that its over! She can't even tell me that! Its not fair, and I wish something would happen to make her talk to me about it. I'm putting as much effort as possible into forgetting about the bad stuff, but its hard to forget when you don't even know what happened. I just wish I could talk to her and get closure, so I can start over with the new "friendship" or whatever we have. I mean after I got closure I would leave her alone if she wanted. I wouldn't need to bug her or whatever. I just think she's being very unfair. I tried for a long time to forget about the whole fight or whatever, and I did for a while, but that is just because I avoided it. I can't ever forget until I know what happened in the first place. Its like someone died but no one knows how or when or anything. Its like being at a funeral and not even knowing who the person in the damn casket is. Ironic how I compare the friendship to a freaking casket. Again, shes not a bad person, but her NOT CARING that she is fucking with me, and her not giving me what I NEED is really wrong of her, and I hope it bothers her that she is mesing with me. Actually, I don't. I just want her to be happy. Screw my happiness, who cares about me? As long as she is happy then I should be fine too and NOT CARE... |
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aggravated| Alright | ||||
| 02:23pm 15/07/2003 | ||||
I am trying to make myself take a trip somewhere in December, but as always I probably wont be able to. So September 5-7 I will be at LSU for the Tiger Classic. So if anyone goes to those soccer games I will probably know them, I'm telling everyone that if I'm going to play to go. Then some other time I'm going to Birmingham Southern, which is Kaci's college, so she is gonig to go watch if I play. That would be hilarious if I found a person from each school we play to come out and watch. I would be like oooo I have fans what do YOU have hahaha. But then again, I probably wont play. Soccer is alot of politics, not talent. If the coach doesn't know you, he isn't going to play you right off, which means he wont get to know you on the field, which means great chance you will be red-shirted before you can even prove yourself. Its shitty I know, but whatever. I wonder if Kyra and Janae started working out with the soccer girls or if they still go on their own. I hate them both, but they are from here so I guess I should be nice to them somewhat. I mean I was never on a team with Kyra, but I was with Janae. Speaking of soccer hoes, I saw fucking BRIDGETTE the other night at Outback. That stupid hoe. I could kill her. She still isn't even 5'0, and she kept giving me looks. Now I'm not a violent person, but this bitch threatened me for a whole damn soccer season. She would yell something then run to her truck. My soccer team had to physicall hold me back, literally! I took off running and people had to hang on me and not let me run over to where she was. Grrr, I hate when people threaten me. That is probably the easiest way to piss me off. If something is going on and you threaten me? Watch out! haha alright enough for now. I need to see if Jacob is working so I can go to Starbucks haha. |
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| Starbucks | ||||
| 03:03pm 13/07/2003 | ||||
I'm supposed to run with Ryan but she said that wont be happening for a while because her grandma died on Friday. I feel bad for her. I never had a close family member die *knock on wood*, I don't know how I would deal with that. Time to get ready!! |
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| Awww Baby | ||||
| 04:10am 13/07/2003 | ||||
On a different note, I just listened to that HORRIBLE Ashanti song "Awww Baby"...now come on, how many times can a person say Awww Baby in one song? Well I answered that question, I counted...mostly b/c its 4:30 in the morning and I'm bored haha. For the duration of the song Ashanti says "aww baby" 16 times, and "ooh baby' 10 times. For those people who are too dumb or too lazy to add, that equals 26. There is a controversial 27th one in the middle of the song, but it kind of sounded like she said awww...some other word in her sentence. Either that or it was one of those dumb music video fuck ups when her lips were moving to a different part of the song, and really, her voice is too damn annoying to pay that close attention. If anyone wants to challenge that 27th one and watch the closed captioning, or counting yourself and listening carefully, feel free to do that and then let me know! I don't even know why I'm telling anyone to do this, no one reads my journal. I'm not important yet haha. After I'm on Road Rules people will care. Speaking of Road Rules, have I mentioned my concern for the new guy? I don't remember his name, but obviously he fucks up on his first mission there, so he must not have that group trust instilled in him yet. If you watch the intro it actually shows him doing the fall, I always assumed it was Abram, but clearly I was wrong. I wonder if there are other parts to the intro that involve other people and I just haven't noticed? Hmmm, I mean I know two other cast members get voted/kicked off of the show, I just don't know when or who. That brings me to another meaningless point: If there is a new cast member on the show, and they fail two missions, should they vote off the newest person, or just pick someone overall that isn't performing? I mean the first obvious answer would be to get rid of the new guy. Obviously the cast has been working well because if you disregard the whole Abram incident, they haven't failed a mission. They don't seem to be doing too badly theirselves, but is it really fair to vote off the newest person without giving them time to become one with the team? I mean I know if I was jumping off of a cliff to be caught by some guy that I don't know, I don't know if I would be too sure of myself or him to catch me ya know? But then again, I would jump my ass off because it was mission time, and if I ever make that damn show, every mission I will work my ass off just to prove that I deserved to make it. It would be a very hard decision to make because you have so many extra issues to think about. Did you fail because one person fucked up for once? Should that person have to leave because they had one bad day? Should you vote off a person not because of performance, but because of all of the off-time you spend with them? All of these different things come into account, I would be dying knowing I had to make that decision. Hell I could be the problem one that nobody likes, or I could be the one that fucked up that day...crazy stuff crazy stuff..but its all in good fun. You learn alot about yourself in situations like that. Anyways, its 4:30 in the morning, and again I can't get to sleep. Becky's ice cream sandwiches are looking quite lovely in the freezer right now, but I would never take someone elses shit without asking. I had an urge to make pudding because I have the mix, but yeah, no milk. I was going to make Jell-o shots also, but its freaking Sunday, and this week everyone is going to be in Houston/Dallas partying without me because I'm poor and can't afford it, so it can wait another week. I also want to make some HUNCH PUNCH (the trashcan shit from the 3rd Paris episode) but that will have to wait also. I always wanted to try the trashcan thing, but in a cooler or something instead, but I never knew what to put in it. Everyone said it was like jungle juice or something, but jungle juice has everclear in it, and this has some Golden Grain shit that I have never heard of before haha. Anyways, only a few more weeks to train for soccer. I really need to get on the ball, literally. On monday I PROMISE I will start my training. I refuse to be the slow kid on the team. I used to be fucking fast, I'm going to keep it that way. People can talk about how I can't run 3 miles in 22 minutes all they want, but when we scrimmage and I outrun them then laugh when I slidetackle their ass then we will see whats up haha. Fuck that, I might suck now who knows, at least I'm going to try. If things go the way I want to, I will have to quit soccer to go on Road Rules lol. This is enough for now, done for the night. Maybe next time I'll have something interesting to talk about. Nite! |
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restless| Still Can't... | |||
| 07:13am 11/07/2003 | |||
| I still can't sleep..its 7 in the morning..haven't slept yet..my bellybutton ring hurts..whatever | |||
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| Yeah | ||||
| 05:54am 11/07/2003 | ||||
I never get positive feedback from ANYONE...I only get negative shit..so why should I have a reason to care and to be happy? I mean..if I do good at something people don't care..they only give me shit when I do something bad. If someone tries to hook up with me but I stop them I don't get praise for stopping them, I get bitched at b/c they tried to do something in the first place. If I do really well in one class I don't get praise for it, I get bitched at because I didn't do so hot in another class, even if I did improve. I'm never fucking good enough for anyone or anything, and I'm fucking sick of it. I'm sick of having to bitch and bitch and talk about superficial things on here. Overall..I'm sick of my fucking life. No wonder I drink all of the time. People give me praise when I take more shots! |
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| Editing | |||
| 04:08pm 10/07/2003 | |||
| I haven't read my previous entry..but I have heard I made some mistakes, so I think I was more drunk than I thought..sorry! | |||
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| Back Home.. | ||||
| 02:21am 10/07/2003 | ||||
Events of the night: We drove in Brandi's Miata...went there...I got humped by a girl that I used to work with that says shes bisexual..then Brandi and I left and gave 2 guys home. Ok..4 ppl in a 2 seater. GREAT! Okay time to go make an excuse to Becky so I can go to bed! |
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| Up..hopefully for the day! | ||||
| 10:19am 09/07/2003 | ||||
I don't really feel like going out tonight. I have to pay my insurance in 3 days, I barely have enough in my account to pay for it, so I'm starting to worry. I mean, I have completely run out of money. I don't know how I'm going to make enough to pay the rent in August, let alone the freakin new deposit, the new meal plan, books, extra fees for tuition, plus the rent is higher in August. UGH! Anyways, I hope my loan or whatever else goes through within the next few weeks because I totally can not afford all of this shit. If something with that doesn't happen soon, I can't play soccer. I start soccer in a month pretty much, I need to know stuff before then. I can't just take off a week of work to start hell week not knowing if I'm going to be able to play or not. I wish money didn't rule everybodies lives. Well I say that because I have none. If I was loaded I probably wouldn't give a shit! Whats weird is I had enough from my scholarship to pay for my damn rent all the way through July. What the hell happened to that money? All of a sudden it was gone from my account...I KNOW I didn't spend 800$ extra anywhere...that is way too much to just disappear. I don't know what happened, but that pisses me off because that is 800$ that I could have used towards the school year when I'm not supposed to be working. Maybe my mom is right...maybe I shouldn't play soccer. I see soccer as my only ticket out of here at this point..I hate thinking that I might not be able to play. I need to work out. |
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| Again I'm awake | ||||
| 12:32am 09/07/2003 | ||||
I'm supposed to go out with Brandi tomorrow after work. I can't afford it!! I'm thinking I'll bring five bucks and see what I can do with that. I can't even afford a damn haircut, I shouldn't be going out. Yeah I'm supposed to go out Thursday also, I'm really sick of this whole going out thing, but I have nothing else to do, might as well. ALSO...next week I'm supposed to go to Dallas now to go out to some clubs, then stay in a damn hotel room. What the hell am I doing?! I'm not some party chick haha. Well I guess I am. Maybe I just need to take a week off sometime, go to some other state, party my ass off for a week, and just have it completely out of my system. Maybe I should take a yearly trip and just go crazy for one week every year, and then chill the rest of the time. Who knows...whatever. Anyways, I just wrote to tell whoever reads this about my plans for the next few days. I'm working, drinking, working, drinking, and some more drinking. Hmm...great combination. I wonder if SLEEP will account for any of the next few days! |
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blank| Still Awake | ||||
| 05:28am 08/07/2003 | ||||
I think I have some weird attraction to Nicole. Not fat Nicole, soccer player Nicole. Everytime I go out I see her, shes really cool. She was Jessica's soccer coach when I was a junior. Her team went to state with my team, and we stayed in Baton Rouge, and since everyone on my team went back home for the night, I went out to dinner with Jessica's team. We went to Joe's Crab Shack, and we told the waiters it was Nicole and Tammy's (Tammy was my coach) birthdays, and they had to get up and do a chicken dance around the restaraunt. That was funny. Anyways, I think I was like what, 17, and Nicole was 19, she was still in college, so it was like she was one of us rather than an old bitch telling you to run around and shit. Tammy was definitely not old. Tammy was awesome, she was probably 24 or so, she played soccer at McNeese with Nicole, and she was an awesome soccer player from Houston. Tammy was so cool. She always gave me rides and shit to games and stuff when my mom didn't feel like it (before I had a damn car) and she was always helping me with my skills work and stuff. Okay so I always see Nicole out, and at Darrell's she was like, smacking my ass, and at OB's I talked to her for a while. She is having some kind of surgery but she wouldn't tell me what. I was like uhhh you aren't coming back as a man are you? And she started laughing and she said it was no big deal. She said NEXT season she might come back and play soccer even though she has already graduated. She still has one year left of eligibility and she keeps talking about coming back. She's a cool chick. Anyways, I went back to the table where my friends were at, and Nicole kept staring and shit. I don't know if it was some kind of drunken daze or something, but I was almost like "what the hell" ya know? Plus her friends at her table were dykish looking. They were wearing like uniform mechanic button up shirts with baseball caps. It's kind of funny. I was thinking about how Nicole is really pretty, and at the same time making fun of the lesbian that was dancing on the stage. I don't know what my problem is. Maybe I just think Nicole is a cool girl thats pretty, nothing more. Maybe somewhere in my twisted head I think that its okay to have thoughts like that, but I know its not. It doesn't matter anyways. Its not like I'm ever going to have a relationship with anyone again. Boys, girls, it doesn't matter. I don't think I could have a relationship with a girl ever because first off, I don't think I like girls. Like I have said before, I'm not attracted to girls physically unless there is some emotional attatchment. With Nicole I think I am just curious because I have never heard her or seen her with a guy you know? I don't get very many girls smacking me on my ass. That is a football player thing to do, not a soccer player thing haha. Plus, I think anything I thought about her was all in drunken fun. I don't even know why I'm thinking about her. I think that I was contemplating running, and thinking about soccer, and Nicole was one of the girls I know from soccer. Well I never played with her, she didn't play this year when I did for my week, but she did play at McNeese and she was a soccer coach. Jessica said she was a shitty coach. Well hello?! If I was 19 years old and I had a team with no talent and didn't really care, I don't think I would put forth much effort either! I want to be a coach for a little kids team. That would be fun I couldn't do what Nicole did and coach players that were only two years younger than me. It's hard to gain respect with players that have probably seen you party, and probably know half of your friends. I feel better so that is a great thing. I'm contemplating taking some Nyquil so I can get to sleep, but its already almost 6, and the shit takes 4 hours to work on me anyways, by that time I should be waking up, so its pointless. Actually, I think that Nyquil does nothing for me except for clear up my sinuses. I mean thats a good thing, but I don't think it has the sleep effect on me like its supposed to. I don't know if that is a good thing or a bad thing. I just finished The Rules of Attraction again. I always have a dvd in my player so if there is nothing on and I need to go to bed I just put it on and fall asleep. Problem is, I never change it, so I end up watching the same movie 50,000 times. Its funny though. This is only the second time I have seen the ending to it. I think I missed alot because I totally don't understand it. I think the ending is shitty. Either that or the dvd just cuts out whatever it is that he says. The credits are rolling backwards. Ahhh confusing. Anyways..again haha...I have lost whatever it is I was going to say. I don't want to go to work today. I'm sick of that damn job. I think it is only because of my lack of clothing haha. I never do laundry so I don't know what I have worn recently and what hasn't been worn in a while. I wish I could wear fucking jeans. I hate fucking dressing up its annoying. First off, I'm not the type of girl to fucking dress up all of the time. I mean going out is slightly different, but hell, I wear jeans when I go out half of the time anyways. I need some more shirts and stuff, too bad I'm lacking in the money department. I also need to get a haircut, but I can barely afford food, my hair will have to wait. I'm trying not to do the usual Kim thing and just spend money then freak when I don't have it, even though I really want a haircut. I love the after effects of a haircut. Its like a new me. I want to go out and be like "hey, I'm different!" or something. I feel this new confidence because I know everyone is like "wow her hair looks good." Especially after my last haircut. I got so many compliments because it was new. It wasn't my usual thing. It actually did something for a day haha. I don't know. I like getting haircuts, and I don't get them all that often. Maybe twice or so a year, so when I do I always want to do something drastic, but I never have the guts. I have hard hair to style. Its straight, thin, and fine (which I think I have mentioned before) so basically all I can do is make it straight, by doing nothing. I love after a haircut that my hair seems to dry faster. I also like it the first time I wash my hair. Its like WHOA THERE IS NOTHING TO WASH or something. I don't know. I'm easily amused haha. Okay time to either turn off the dvd player or find something on tv because I can't stand the silence, but the movie ended and is on the menu screen, so the same 20 second sound byte is playing over and over and over. I need to get tan. Fuck it I need to go freaking run. I'm trying to decide how I can be alzy and not do shit, but soccer starts in a damn month. I need to learn the shit for my Sebcoe test so I don't fail that, and I need to get back into my sprints so I can do the stupid shuttle runs, and I DEFINITELY need to run more so I can get my 3 miles in 22 minutes. Those tests suck. Ugh. My problem with running distance is I always take off really fast to get out ahead, I treat it all like a race. Well even if I'm by myself I start off fast. I don't know how to pace myself. By the time the first mile ends I'm dead, then I start walking, then I'm just fucked. I don't know how I'm going to be able to run 3 miles at 7 in the morning in the middle of August when its going to be 154% humidity and shit. Well I guess this is enough writing for now. I have all of these thoughts that run through my head in the middle of the night, and I never write them down. If people really knew how I thought and how I really was, they would probably think I was a much interesting person. Even I find my journal boring. Maybe because I only write when I am bitching about something. I don't know why I'm doing this, but here are some RW and RR websites: aceamerson.com, everythinglori.com, shanelandrum.com, rachelrobinsononline.com, themizareyouready.com, colinsworld.com...hmmm..i can't think of any other ones, and I just spent too much time reading about weed on colin's website and it is now almost 6:30, so if you have any other RR RW websites post and let me know! I'm a freak and actually care what those people are doing haha. Alright its getting light outside and I'm getting tired. Great. I have work in 9 hours, and that depresses me. Maybe I should go work at Yesterday's, because if I'm working at a bar all night, then I can't go out and do stupid shit. Hmm..good idea! I don't know where that last thought came from. I thought that earlier in the day actually, just never posted. The random shit that floats around in my head is amazing haha. Gnite!!! or uhhh..Good morning?? |
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| 12:07pm 07/07/2003 | ||||
I do have to say that I am kind of pissed b/c I just read Brittany's journal, but they aren't my thoughts so I shouldn't really care. I will say in my defense that the reason I can't talk to Brittany like I could Jessica is because I never had to worry about what Jessica was thinking when I told her stuff. I mean I do now, which is the reason I don't talk to her about stuff, but we used to have this "agreement" or whatever that we wouldn't think any less or any more or any different about eachother when we told eachother things. That is why our relationship got so close. With Brittany it is completely different. If I tell her things I have to worry about if that subject pisses her off, or I have to worry about what she might be thinking. That is good enough reason. Plus, I don't exactly trust her when it comes to things, and she is completely 110% emotional, and I know that one wrong freaking WORD could trigger something, and I don't want to do that. I have been alone for the past eight months because since Jessica decided to ditch me, I have had no one that I could be myself around. It's like, for three years I have had someone to vent to, I have had someone to depend on when I needed them. I had someone that I could be 100% myself around and I didn't have to worry at all if the other person thought bad about me or talked bad about me or anything, because the other person felt the same way. Then eight months ago that all changed in a way, because our talking got limited, then throughout the months it got worse and worse, until the other person moved on, but didn't have the heart to tell me. I don't even know if she moved on, or if she forced herself to believe that. Either way, nothing will ever be the same, and I have learned to accept that for the most part. One more topic before I go take a shower... I have recently found some things out about someone, whom I wont mention just yet, but I don't know who to believe, what to believe, or what I'm going to do about it. This could possibly be the end of a few things, and I'm not really sure what those things are yet. Yes I'm being kind of secretive about it, but I don't want to give anything away until I have had "the talk"...that might be quite interesting. It could be fucking annoying, who knows haha |
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