| And this is how I feel... like I'm trapped inside and I need to break free.. |
[24 Jul 2006|11:19am] |
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you and me* LIFEHOUSE |
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[26 Jun 2006|02:01pm] |
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more than anyone <3 gavin degraw |
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I just weighed myself and I found out that I've lost 19 pounds in the last 2 1/2 weeks.. I'm happy about this but my mother doesn't seem very pleased. Oh well, it's how I feel that I counts. I need to keep on working out b/c I want to feel good about the way that I look and I still don't. Hopefully my self Image will change soon?
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| Who I am hates who I've been.. now I'm 14 lbs lighter than this girl.. |
[21 Jun 2006|11:23pm] |
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this is what we're up against *TBS* |
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BEFORE I LOST 14 LBS.. HOPE TO LOSE SOME MORE.. <333
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| its whatever |
[09 Jun 2006|02:12pm] |
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mood |
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disappointed |
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I know I haven't written in quite a while but I've just been pretty depressed lately, missing a bunch of school and stuff, and then this morning, when I got up for school, my mom was mad at me for absolutely no apparent reason, and she said that she hopes that I get held back this year in school. So basically, she said that she wants for me to fail, but when Jeffrey quit school and got his G.E.D instead of graduating from high school when he was half way through his senior year, she was SOO proud of him. I'm basically sick of her shit and I'm not going to talk to her at all anymore. I've decided that next year I'm going to be there every single day and I'm gonna work extra hard on getting perfect grades and then I'll just laugh right in her face and say "and I can't believe you thought that I was going to fail." It's pretty sad that I'm going to be the first of 5, and I'm the middle child, graduating from high school.. I have big plans and dreams for my life.. and as soon as I graduate from high school I'm moving to LA to attend UCLA and I'm going to go for at least 4 years and then I'm going to have the perfect job and hopefully, eventually the perfect guy. I'm going to strive for every goal and I will have the life I've always dreamed of having. SO FUCK YOU MOM!!! I i'm sick of being treated like shit when all I do is try to be good enough. I may never be good enough for you, but I WILL be good enough for me, and that's all that truly matters right now.
Amber
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[05 Jun 2006|08:37am] |
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collide *Dishwalla |
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You say you want love
and you want it to feel so real forever
well, remember why you have come
and all the shit that's caving in is gone forever..
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[20 May 2006|09:26pm] |
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He left again.. and I'm NOT gonna forgive him this time.
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[12 May 2006|03:46am] |
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"At this moment there are 6,470,818,671 people in the world. Some are running scared. Some are coming home. Some tell lies to make it through the day. Others are just now facing the truth. Some are evil men, at war with good. And some are good, struggling with evil. 6 billion people in the world, 6 billion souls, and sometimes all you need is one."
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[07 May 2006|08:22am] |
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Wait for you *beverly* |
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Yesterday Emily, Ximmy and I went into boston to get the new taking back sunday CD autographed and take pix of the band and stuff.. theyre both so beautiful and thin and I'm.. not. I just felt self concious walking around with them. I wish I was thinner.. and I wish I was beautiful.. why can't I be? Am I just being selfish again with all this freaking self pity? They probably wish I hadn't come because I was taking away all the attraction.. I feel like shit. I looked at th epictures we took and I hated all of them but one. And the one I do like is only because it's a cute sister picture. Not because I look good in it. Emily and Mena looked good in like veery singe one.. even when emilys eyes are in the back of her head.. and I literally looked pregnant or something because I'm so fat. I hate my body so much... I think I'll take a huge picture of myself to cover my whole wall and I'll throw darts at it all day.. sounds like a great plan huh? It was an extremely fun day except for the fact that I felt like shit about myself the whole time.. Adam probably thought whoa look at those gorgeous girl then he saw me and thought Ew why would they hang out with this ugly pig? He was so fucking gorgeous and I couldn't even say anything but Hi to him because I knew what he already thought of me and my pig self.
[x] --amber
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[29 Apr 2006|11:56pm] |
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gallery |
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My dad is at home and it's hard.. going to school and wondering.. will he even be there when I get back? That's why I really haven't gone the past 4 days.. plus I feel wicked sick. I have the worst head cold ever.. I couldn't even babysit for my 40-50$ today so now I can't get new clothes until next saturday because I have to give emily my money from when I babysit on tuesday because I borrowed it from her to get tristan and isolde.. but I dont mind at all being indebted for buying that movie.. which is my favorite btw.. and Jamed Franco is in it so.. well anyways I feel like crap and want to just sleep.. medicine... sleep.. Gahh what shall I do?
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| a few days ago |
[26 Apr 2006|03:41am] |
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 crushed |
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music |
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get outta london |
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My mom, emily, and I went to The 99 for lunch and then we begged her to go see my dad. I've only seen him once in the last year and the time I did see him he had shown up on our doorstep drunk out of his mind. My mom gave in and when we got there he wasn't home so we held my Cousin's new baby. He was so adorable. About a half hour later my dad showed up with his fat ass bitch girlfriend Tracy. I've always been the one trying to save my father, and help him get better from being his alcoholic self but this was too much and I was extremely pissed off so me and Emily just stood in the kitchen yelling and swearing at him for about an hour. His fat girlfriend whom I have NEVER met in my entire life who left her kids to be with my MARRIED father came out and started telling me and my sister that WE were disrespectful to him. Who the FUCK does that fat ass think she is? Seriously, she weighs about 400 lbs and she is a drunk who abandoned her kids like my father and she thinks she has ANY business in this matter at all? I said right to this womans face, and I've never met her before, to grab her cake and leave the fucking kitchen.. my dad said get the fuck out of here to her so she left and then me and emily were crying saying how he's NEVER been there for us and how my brother has to take on so much responsibility as the man of the house because my father's never there but at least he's way better at that then my father ever could be. My father started crying and asking US what HE can do to get better.. Like WE'RE the grown-up here.. what the hell is wrong with that man? Then we left after a while and went to the mall with the girls, me and emily went off together, because we thought maybe it'd make us happy but obviously it didn't do shit because I'm still so fucking depressed about all this bull shit. When we got home it was about 7 so me and emily watched a movie with kelsey then it ended at like 9:30 so me and emily took a 2 hour walk just talking about life and boys and how much we appreciate our mom for always being there for us and for being such a strong woman through such rough times. I love talking to emily, I mean she IS my best friend, and my sister. Then we went back home at like 11:30ish and watched anchorman for a few laughs and went to sleep. I was supposed to be in a human video sunday at church but I decided not to go because I still feel like shit about this whole thing and now I just feel like I really want to die. Well I guess I'll go upstairs and listen to some more depressing music to fit my mood, or maybe I'll go to sleep and hope to never wake up. Thanks for caring Dad.
[<3]-- amber
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[17 Apr 2006|05:01am] |
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Change by deftones |
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yesterday was easter
I ate wayy too much candy and crap
My throat hurts..
and I stayed up wikked late laughing all nite with em so I'm rllly tired
want to just go to sleep and shrink away..
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[13 Apr 2006|03:39pm] |
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disgusted |
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sunday morning *maroon 5* |
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I just got a new magazine and looking at all the beautiful skinny girls makes me sick.. especially after seeing tyra banks show her before and after touch up shots.. I mean all these girls diet, and stop eating, and get surgery, and wear all these products to look like them when in reality it's impossible, they're NOT real. I wish I looked like them but I know that it's not going to happen because it's all fake. I'm sure any girl wishes they could look like Mandy Moore, or Jessica simpson, or kelly clarkson but the fact is that they don't even look like how the magazines make them look, it's all a big hoax.. and its causing girls to be anorexic, bulimic, and depressed. I just wish they had magazines full of real people that could inspire you. I wish this world wasn't so sick..
am I sick for wanting thin and pretty so bad?
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| ugh |
[11 Apr 2006|10:18pm] |
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lost inside |
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today I went to Kohls to get some new jeans.. yuck not gonna do that again for a while..
they were all either too long or too tight for skinny tall people.. why can't I be skinny and tall like everyone else
I have a huge crush on some guy that's wayy too old for me .. like a little kid kinda crush where I can't stop thinking about him, is that so weird? I've never liked somebody this much before, but I can't help it.
He's adorable and I'm.. not. Sometimes when I talk to him it feels like .. I dk like maybe he likes me too but then I realize the age difference and I KNOW that he can't possibly.. it's just me hoping for something that will never be again.. that's me, the girl wishing for a perfect little family with a father who's not out drinking 24/7 and doesn't call his kids in months and hasn't seen them in over a year and then just stops by and thinks it's all happy and well.. and wishes she could find someone perfect to love her even if he's practically double her age.. and thinks that she'll have a perfect life.. that this is all a big nightmere that will end soon.. that's me, the stupid girl. I hope for things that just aren't meant to be. I guess I just will never understand why some people can be so perfect and others.. like me .. well are living in hell most of the time.. it's hard to smile, it's hard to even cry because I know that things will never be perfect and I'm foolish and selfish hoping and wishing that they were, sitting on my ass feeling sorry for myself all the time...
I guess I need to forget about him, because it'll never happen
forget about a dad who is no longer a drunk who cheats on my mom
forget about having a normal life
forget about being pretty and thin
and FORGET about being NORMAL
what is Normal anyways?
Guess I'll never know.
[x]
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| After school adventure program~friday |
[09 Apr 2006|05:33pm] |
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concrete angel |
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Thursday Glen sat so close to me and my heart was jumping inside.. he's soo cute and when he was leavign he said bye to me.. I've never even talked to him and I was surprised he'd even taken notice of me ..
friday sucked.. I went to the after school adventure program and completely embarrassed myself..
I opened a Dr. Pepper and it exploded all over me.. =-/ yikes! I laughed and everyone kept asking me if I was ok.. I was soo mortified.. at least everybody was very conciderate and sweet about it... I just CANT believe it...
Today Christabel and Beth came over and we went to the park and this little girl and her little brother came and played with us then their mom offered me a babysitting job! I'm so happy. Now I'll have 2 babysitting jobs.. one for weekends and one for weekdays and I'll be making good money.
After I talked with their mom for a while we came back and watched the chronicles of narnia "the lion the witch and the wardrobe", a wicked good movie, and then went back to church to plan if we're doing a human video for national youth sunday.. We deffinately don't have enough time but I'll get some tunes for them anyway.
well I'm off to check myspace then pick up emily from work..
[x] late
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| lyrics |
[01 Apr 2006|09:58pm] |
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deftones |
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Show me what it’s like
To be the last one standing
And teach me wrong from right
And I’ll show you what I can be
And say it for me
Say it to me
And I’ll leave this life behind me
Say it if it’s worth savin me
So why do you fill my sorrow
With the words you've borrowed
From the only place (that) you've known
And why do you sing Hallelujah
If it means nothing to you
Why do you sing with me at all?
Up 'n' down
Ferris wheel
Tell me how does it feel
To be so high...
Looking down here
Is it lonely?
Lonely
I look at the cross
Then I look away
Give you the gun and
Blow me away
I've watched a change
In you
It's like you never
Had wings
Now you feel
So Alive
[x]
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| first entry |
[01 Apr 2006|07:29pm] |
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delicate *damien rice* |
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I'm Amber, almost fifteen.
Honestly, I'm quite self concious, with alot of things but the biggest problem is my weight. I feel so friggen fat and people seem to think that's stupid but it's not. I was told I only weigh as much as I do because of my body type, can you say BULL SHIT?? I think, actaully, I KNOW I'm fat. For the past few days I've been walking ALOT and it feels great. Plus I have been eating less and drinking coffee(not like ana but cutting back a little bit on food in a healthy way). I feel like I've lost weight, so I'll keep on walking, and doing a couple hundred crunches before bed every night. The hard work better pay off. =)
Today I went to Pond meadow and walked 3 miles with the girls so we couldn't go around twice but I walked in teh rain when we got back so I still went a couple more miles. Anyways, when we were walking Glenn called... ^_^ ... yeah so I didn't realize him and my bro were friends.. and I can't wait to see him Thursday night.. he's gorgeous. He'll keep me going on with the whole diet thing.. I need to lose weight to be attractive for him.
When I got back from walking in the rain, it cleared up and there was a huge beautiful rainbow in the sky. It made me happy, seeing as I haven't been in a while because of my dad. Yeah, some girl came up to me the other day and tells me he's going out with her mom, I don't even know the girls name, and I was so disgusted.. my parents aren't even divorced.. they're seperated.. so in a way he's kinda cheating on my mom.. and I haven't seen him in a year, not to mention talked to him since christmas day, and he came to my house, the SAME night that the girl told me about him and her mom were together, drunk out of his fucking mind, and he thinks we were gonna want to be near him.. think again daddy u make me sick.
Anyways, the rainbow made me happy for a while but it can't keep away the pain.
feeling sad now after thinking about this shit so I guess I'll write again tomorrow.. late
[x]
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