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(1 .took my breath away. | .kiss me, this instant!.)

[x] i dreamed i was born on a mountain on the moon. where nothing grows or ever rots. [x] [16 Feb 2004|09:55pm]
[ mood | cynical ]
[ music | ..sparklehorse-comfort me.. ]

i am grounded. no computer. no weekends.

i've been sitting around. writing. listening. crying.

this is turning me so fucking emo it's gross.

my aspirations to be a rockstar and get the fuck out of this prison have reached an all-time high.

i've become a pretentious fuck with a cute new haircut.

i'll be back in a few weeks willing to pour my heart all over this damn computer screen.

you'll never know the feeling
of your first kiss
how your nerves send subtle shocks
through your lips
and your heart beats through your chest

<3 oh, acoustic rock. you rat bastard you.

( .kiss me, this instant!.)

[x]i'm sinking like a stone in the sea. i'm burning like a bridge for your body.[x] [10 Feb 2004|10:42pm]
[ mood | horny ]
[ music | ..brand new-tautou.. ]

i haven't updated in forever. saturday night was fun. yesterday was fun. life's just a fucking barrel of monkeys.

(4 .took my breath away.s | .kiss me, this instant!.)

[x]candlelight, flickering half bright. well i held it in my hands and now it's gone.[x] [06 Feb 2004|11:32pm]
[ mood | impressed ]
[ music | ..archers of loaf-dead red eyes.. ]

my cutie ten inch justin morris introduced me to this band. they are bitchin.

things of interest on this friday evening:
-report card. 2.7 GPA. fuck.
-two on two in gym followed by cold shower.
-beatass rehearsal
-drunken T. McD.
-dinner with pops/started band with bro.

i need some serious rest. hardxcore with kelley tomorrow. fook yes.

( .kiss me, this instant!.)

[x] i’m playing games if your aim is for the quick fix. [x] [05 Feb 2004|09:05pm]
[ mood | blah ]
[ music | ..sneaker pimps-sick.. ]

today was the much anticipated double date.
it took them a few slugs of whiskey to loosen up, but by the end there was some serious making out going on.
as for us, we fought. he was winning. i bit his lip. hard. kissed him. tasted his blood.

we fight everyday about the same things, and always end up leaving with the same exhausted glare.
i wish i had some trust. but i can't. you're only loyal to yourself. prove me wrong, i beg of you.
yeah, i'm shades of you.

all i ask for is some sort of clarity.

fuck off.

( .kiss me, this instant!.)

[x] the stars don't give a flat fuck. [x] [04 Feb 2004|09:49pm]
[ mood | cranky ]
[ music | ..ugly casanova-smoke like ribbons.. ]

boys are smelly and have cooties.

i'm really starting to regret certain things.
i'm wishing i could trade them in for certain other things.
i talk about people like they are library books.

oh well. as the saying goes, "i dug my own grave and now i must lie in it." hahaha how gae.
anyway, it's not so bad. just could be better somewhere else.

friday... likeomg!!!@#&^!!! i love kelley and i love pain(killers).
sketchball to the max.

( .kiss me, this instant!.)

[x] if i lived forever, you just wouldn't be so beautiful. [x] [02 Feb 2004|12:10am]
[ mood | mellow ]
[ music | ..goldfrapp-pilots.. ]

thus ends another all too short weekend.

last night steph and i went to the movies. we saw big fish, again. and it kicked ass, again. she bawled her eyes out and whimpered. so much so that we had to stay in the theatre after the movie until she calmed down. haha. i slept over her house afterwards. we talked for upwards of 4 hours. tons of laughter and life-stories. it was lovely. she just gets me, and i just get her. i love my jew<333

this morning we just layed around, talked some more, and watched tv. later in the day, i trucked on over to my grandparents house to watch the big game. football does absolutely nothing for me, and after seeing janet's breast at halftime, i decided to investigate the attic. i found my great-grandfather's kickass hat straight from ireland, and this really nifty bjork-esque jacket/dress thing along with tons of ribbon, thread, and patches a la 1975 that will be turned into some d.i.y. duds. yippee!

school tomorrow. then my long lost love is taking me on a real-life date. i miss him much so everything's looking rosey. see ya kiddos<3

( .kiss me, this instant!.)

[x] tonight the bay's a pane of glass -- lets break it. [x] [31 Jan 2004|02:24am]
[ mood | mischievous ]
[ music | ..minus the bear-women we haven't met yet.. ]

it's 2:15 and i haven't been so awake in days. tonight, for a change of pace, i did nothing. steph and i were going to go to good old medport with thom and mike, but we decided we'd rather sit at home watching movies and eating ice cream.

sooo.... i slept for a good five hours. then i watched pumpkin. it sucked in such a good way. afterwards, i watched fatal attraction for the first time. it pretty much kicked ass.

now i'm doing what i always do, sitting around in a blanket listening to music for hours until i feel like i should try to rest. this whole insomnia/narcolepsy business is a real pain in my tush.

school sucks. report cards come out next week, and i am getting a D in both biology and DRIVERS ED. i worked for a literal four hours making up my bio hw, and that cunt i call my teacher didn't even accept the 150 points of work i handed in. and drivers ed, what a joke. i can't believe otto would do such a thing to a nice little girl like myself.

maybe i should try or something.

nah, too much work.

i'm feeling kind of poetic on this magical evening. maybe i should work on some of my shit prose. if i manage to de-shit it, even a little, i'll post it tomorrow.

right after my 8978453 hour long rehearsal! i've gotta get out of this place.

i'm pretty sure this whole "heart-skips-a-beat-thing" means i love you.

(3 .took my breath away.s | .kiss me, this instant!.)

[x] you said this uncertainty one day i would crave [x] [27 Jan 2004|11:08pm]
[ mood | morose ]
[ music | ..azure ray-just a faint line.. ]

today i managed to solidify my position as the most fucked up gal in the universe. you're still beautiful. sorry about the sniffles... and the whole abandonment thing. i told you from the beginning i'm nothing but a stupid little girl.

we both know there's only an ounce of truth in that statement.

well, i wouldn't have taken so painstakingly long in leaving if i planned on coming back. i could use a kiss for the road. but i'll let you keep your well earned dignity. it's a wonder you put up with me for so long.

all i need you to know is. those kisses. were real. and that means more than you think it does

i need to be shot.
for a variety of reasons.
but let's not list 'em all.
this music is the perfect suicide backdrop.
so i'll see ya in hell bitches.

get this. today i saw david smile and i realized in that moment i miss the fuck outta him.

WHAT THE HELL!?! i mean seriously. you didn't see that one coming. i'm just feeling nostalgic and dumb. i'm longing so much to reach for something i can never get. but i get whatever the fuck i want! how frustrating and absolutely selfish. oh well, screw you. i never claimed to be a good person.

i need you to do me a huge favor and read the following lyrics. do it a few times just to make sure you realize how fucking great they are. when i'm a sleepxcore rocker, i want my words to be half as wonderous as follows:

all alone in the dark
love survives only when we are apart
your voice still sounds in my ears
soft explosions that blossom
with the beat of my heart
hey, look how low i've sunk
don't ask me to rise
i'll lose you when i'm high

i will kiss away every tear
they'll disappear in my mouth
and i will believe in all your fears
you let them in, i'll let them out
and put them in their place, my love
so your heart doesn't know where mine's been
i'll never let your heart go where mine's been

i am so fucking fucked up. i'm out of my mind. completely and totally. and i couldn't give a fuck less. someone hold me. or bring me large amounts of amphetamines.

i'm like sooo outta here. i'm on the verge of tears with a grin from ear to ear.

( .kiss me, this instant!.)

[x] unknown quotients. you must be using potions. how else could you tie my head to the sky? [x] [24 Jan 2004|10:42pm]
[ mood | cold ]
[ music | ..the shins-girl inform me.. ]

your lips when we speak
are the valleys and peaks of a mountain range on fire

i am sick. and shivering.

saw "big fish". absolutely lovely. had my mother and me teary-eyed.

sleep is necessary. night

( .kiss me, this instant!.)

[x] i don't want a tainted love. but. don't go. just play me more disco [x] [23 Jan 2004|11:03pm]
[ mood | groggy ]
[ music | ..miss kittin & the hacker-1982.. ]

miss kittin. what a sexbomb.

it's friday night. i'm sitting home grounded listening to electroclash while all the cool kids are out at a punk rawk show. poor me.

tomorrow i'm going to the mall. then "big fish" and dinner con mi familia. hopefully my mom will quit the whole menopause thing and buy me some shit.

la.la.rehearsal is such a bore. four hours of bullshit. luckily, i'm getting back in touch with jake, my hero lifeguard from the chartwell days. he makes fun of cheerleader freshman and anoerexics and i laugh. karissa is also a sex machine. the only cool freshman girl in the universe. steph ditched me today, so i was somewhat lonely. somehow i managed to survive and i'm ready to go for another one at 8am tomorrow.

that is a major sike nah.

yikes. i miss hanging out with kelley and kittenbelly.

love, there's nothing more I want
than just one night
that’s free of doubt and sadness
one night that i can really feel

i'm such a bright eyes poser. i really hate their terrible emo shit. however, conner is a lyrical genious. thus, i'd prefer to regard his words as poetry sans his heinous, whiny voice.

oh by the way, i feel like absolute shit. i'm going to go self-medicate. then bed. hopefully i will have vivid hallucinogenic dreams. psh.


(1 .took my breath away. | .kiss me, this instant!.)

[x] you ask me which way i'll go. whichever way the wind blows. i don't know [x] [21 Jan 2004|10:43pm]
[ mood | jubilant ]
[ music | ..frente!-the book song.. ]

kelley ann polcer i love you with my entire self.

in the past month you've changed. you're you for the first time ever. i can't get enough of it. it's seriously so awesome to see you coming into your own. i feel like your mother here, but for the first time ever i feel like you are uniquely kelley and i emily. dude, this kicks ass. you made me feel so much better tonight. seriously. i know i don't really need anyone, but i do need you. just for the fact that you're always behind me. i make all kinds of mistakes but you are the only person in fucking medford, scratch that--anywhere, that actually stands by me throughout them. you are the most genuinely kind person in the universe and i get to call you my best friend. what a lucky ducky i am. that drunken night on the dock in the snow was the best conversation of my life. kel, you're the only one on the planet who truely knows me. i love you to death. now let's be blood sisters. GM4L (gothic misfits... oh sit.)

<33333 <---- definition of "mad love".

the geometry exam was death to my soul. bio tomorrow. snap, crackle, and pop. i am pretty sure i am staying off boys for the rest of my godgiven life.

i'm thru wit guyz
they all tell liez
they break yer heart
n make u cry
lovin dem is such a sin
but DAYUM check out dat hottie
dat just walked in

that is a dead serious 7th grade profile right there. my ghetto ass is OUT.

(1 .took my breath away. | .kiss me, this instant!.)

[x] i can see into your eyes. deepest blue of winter skies. [x] [20 Jan 2004|11:08pm]
[ mood | predatory ]
[ music | ..emiliana torrini-telepathy.. ]

haven't really updated on the daily life for awhile.

friday was cotillion. what a blast. i really had a great time with my wondrous friends. we skanked up shawnee cafeteria the way it was meant to be done<333

saturday was a terrible day. ex-boyfriends are surely spawned from hell. apparently i am a reincarnation of everything evil.... because i didn't go to cotillion alone. cry me a river, dickwad.

sunday=three and a half hours in the dark. : ) .... then home 15 minutes late which called for a one-week groundation period.

monday, went to the doctors. slept. made the most sexy cd in the history of the world. i am so ultra-productive.

today meant back to school + exams. english and girls ensemble. i did well in one of them. i'll give you a dollar if you guess which one correctly. i left my house illegally to visit a friend. i swear i could lay with you forever.

soo... ummm... i love you. what do you have to say for yourself?

(1 .took my breath away. | .kiss me, this instant!.)

[17 Jan 2004|11:44pm]
[ mood | gloomy ]
[ music | ..kings of convenience- parallel lines.. ]

What's the immaterial substance
That envelopes two
That one percieves as hunger
And the other as food
I wake in tangeled covers
To a sash of snow,
You dream in a cartoon garden
I could never know

Innocent imitation of how it would be
If one the music entered, you did not retreat
In my imagination, you are cast in gold
Your image a compensation for me to hold

Parallel lines, move so fast
Toward the same point
Infinity is as near as it is far.

i am fed up.
with myself.

slasher of hearts=understatement of the decade.

( .kiss me, this instant!.)

[x] gentle impulsion. shakes me. makes me lighter. [x] [14 Jan 2004|08:59pm]
[ mood | sleepy ]
[ music | ..massive attack-teardrop.. ]

this song consists of quite possibly the most beautiful and sensual 5 minutes and 24 seconds i've ever heard.
so gorgeous. let's makeout to this one.

bleck. this is the type of day that means absolutely nothing. nothing was accomplished. nothing was demolished. it was just a big NOTHING.

cotillion is a mere two days away. oh, the anticipation. jess wants to do e. i don't think i'm down. too many possibilities for disaster.

i have so much shit on my mind. i don't feel like dealing with any of it. instead, i think i'll burst into a ball of beautiful blue light and make my way through the misty twilight.

kiss me. kill me. do your worst.<3

( .kiss me, this instant!.)

[x] from what i've seen so far, i can't believe my eyes. and what a nice surprise. [x] [09 Jan 2004|08:19pm]
[ mood | devious ]
[ music | ..pedro the lion-promise.. ]

my life's so poor.

one day everyone will recognize that steph and i are by far the most bitchin girls in the world. thus leaving us with no shortage of fun friday night activities.

until then,
let's go to bed at 8:30.

thom gunn is my cotillion date.
camera phones in biology class rock my hello kitty panties.

i have to get up at 8o'clock for fucking rehearsal.
miss aronson and i are grossly undersexed

so how bout you eat my heart out
and relish in the wonder of my taste.

later bitches<3

( .kiss me, this instant!.)

[x] living by the hour, i stop for every flower, everything is soft and slow [x] [08 Jan 2004|08:32pm]
[ mood | pleased ]
[ music | ..jets to brazil-sweet avenue... ]



( .kiss me, this instant!.)

[x] you've introduced me to the moment... [x] [08 Jan 2004|06:14pm]
[ mood | touched ]
[ music | ..mae- giving it away.. ]

that was so incredibly perfect i think i'm going to throw up.

by the way you brought me here,
it makes believe,
the best is still yet to come,
and i don't want to leave.
forgive my hesitation but i'm learning to trust in you.
help me to dream these dreams
because i don't have a clue.

if you'd be honest and say what you mean you know i
would promise i'd do anything
because i know that without you i'm giving it away.

the nights are forever and maybe I'm wrong,
but it feels like i'm so lost without you.
so i step towards the heat, it's the way i can see,
and it makes me believe that it's you.


( .kiss me, this instant!.)

[x] this is fantastic for you [x] [07 Jan 2004|08:55pm]
[ mood | thirsty ]
[ music | ..q and not u-kiss distinctly american.. ]

har har har.

tanner and i went to best uniform today. it was a hour ride. he got $9.58 for an apron and bow tie . the fairy at the counter claimed he ruined the shirt and pants. not even nana's death could save us. shame. i guess tanman is just way too androgynous.

i feel sick.


(1 .took my breath away. | .kiss me, this instant!.)

[x] lost you, and i want you today.. [x] [04 Jan 2004|04:12pm]
[ mood | drained ]
[ music | ..zwan-love to love.. ]

i am home. i feel no need to explain my vacation considering the only person reading this just so happens to be the person i went with.

today is the last day of winter break. my mama was planning on taking me to the movies this afternoon, but after i vehemently protested about gettin up for church, she left me home... and didn't come back to get me. yikes. i'm stood up by my own mother.

so now, i'm sitting home alone listening to this song over and over again. and singing it at the top of my lungs into a pretty awesome cane i found. such a waste of precious life.

misty green and blue
love to love to love you

it's so shitty outside. just gray and damp. no beautiful sunshine or beautiful rain. just ugly middle ground. reminds me of me. i've just lost all extremity in my emotions. i haven't been really ecstatic or really down in the dumps for so long now. i'm just complacent. always. it's a true bore. i need some excitement in my life, but god knows i'm not that brave. i always need some solid footing before i step out into anything. i really hate that about myself. i'm so scared of being hurt, or more so hurting someone ((again)), that i just don't do anything. i don't take any real risks when it comes to relationships, and i guess this is where i end up.

the fucking middle.

this must be stopped. endmotherfuckingtransmission.

( .kiss me, this instant!.)

[x] when our hands touch underwater... [x] [26 Dec 2003|04:55pm]
[ mood | chipper ]
[ music | ..les savy fav-je t'aime<333.. ]

the day after christmas always ranks as one of the year's worst. the gifts you were so excited about the previous day have lost all their charm, and there is absolutely nothing like the materialistic letdown of "the day after" when you realize that you still have the same problems and still desire a million different things christmas didn't bring. however...

i slept till 2:45pm.
i have a plethora of wonderful new cd's
& a new stereo to listen to them on.
interpol makes me want to makeout
& have a private dance party in my room.
whoops, already did that.
i can keep busy packing
& anticipating a wonderful vacation with my lovely friend.
i'm listening to je t'aime
& therefore i am in love with everyone
because it's so damn good.

so, i am content. i'm burning a few more cd's. pirated music is a godsend. i might be on a hiatus for a week due to vacation. you'll survive. pinky swear.

all i need right now is a kiss! ;-)


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