[Most Recent Entries] [Calendar View] [Friends]
Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in
×»¤MϧsŠß£í§s¤«×'s Blurty:
| Monday, October 9th, 2006 | |
| 11:11 pm | Fucking gaaaay Oh joy to the world. I pretty much hate my life right now. Like sometimes, I just get down on myself and its myself that i hate.. nope... this time its my life. I hate everything about my life. I hate my family, I hate my school, I hate my house, I hate the weather, I'm so frusterated that all i want to do is scream.. or run.. or kick.. or anything... i just can't do this anymore. I'm so sick of living my life for other people. |
|
|
|
| Tuesday, August 15th, 2006 | |
| 11:50 pm | Shittay Pictures seem to sum up the way I feel lately. I dont know how to describe it, or even what to do half of the time. I have no incentive to do anything lately. I dont feel like doing anything. Just being the most useless piece of society i can be... making myself feel even worse. I dont know what to do! AHHHHHHHHH! I just want to scream at the top of my lungs. I want to throw up. I want to kick and scream. But instead I sit here... almost lifeless. Everything that I stand for is everything that I hate. People raising their expectations. I think half the time I try to lower people... well, some people... the ones that dont deserve it... and I know that I'm being horrible, but i can't help it. I just want to know that I'm the best, however, I think that somehow in my quest for being the best I lose it all and pretty much become the worst. I hate this. I hate myself. Current Mood:  depressedCurrent Music: All I can do - Chantel something or other |
|
|
|
| Wednesday, May 17th, 2006 | |
| 11:21 pm | uhhh... How much do you people know about my life? not a hell of a lot. Everyone is so consumed with the superficialities of life, that they forget that there are things that go so much deeper. No one cares enough to take a minute to see that I'm really quite hurt and upset about a lot of things. That, or I just wont show anyone. I dunno. It just sucks so much, to feel so alone, when there are so many people around me. I wanna get out of here. Peace. Current Mood:  lonelyCurrent Music: ... never say goodbye, cause, it aint over |
|
|
|
| Tuesday, May 16th, 2006 | |
| 7:07 pm | A good day! Wow... eventful day. Seriously the best one I've had in such a long time. I went to bed feeling ok. and woke up in the same mood. I'm impressed. Anyways, I woke up at 8:03 again. Had to leave 20 minutes later... I even showered! Needless to say, I forgot about the meeting that I chair... yeah... the one at 7:45... I even called MacKenzie last night to see what was going on for driving for Wednesday morning... I thought that was when it was... guess not. That was pretty shitty, cause I"m not like that. I have to be somewhere, and I am vital to what is going on, I'll be there. I hung out with my gr. 5 girls all day. It was frickin sweet. They got their hair done and then we ate pizza, decorated frames and had fun. Then I had math and then social... nothing fantastic happened. I just felt really social and good. Weird, I know. I got a text from you last night. I thought you were outside of my house last night at like 12, but i really doubt it. I'm debating whether to reply or not. I'm gunna give it another day or so to think about. I really don't want to talk to you and I don't want you being part of my life. I gave you too many chances, and I can't afford to give you any more. I can't afford to faint, or feel sick or be sad. I just can't. I need to live my life. I need to graduate. I need to turn 18 and I need to be happy while I do all of those things. You used to make me so happy. Granted, you were still lying, I'm sure, and I'm sure I only caught 2% of ur lies, but either way, you used to make me happy. Maybe cause I was blind. But I refuse to live life blindedly and I refuse to be with someone that just makes me sad. I can't do it anymore. So we'll see. On the bright side, I sat outside and tanned in the front and back of my house. I'm trying to get rid of my multi coloredness. My neck is half tanned half not, and my chest is a speckled tan. Haha. I'm hoping to get rid of it for grad. God, I'm just so excited about life right now. I'm excited by the possibilties. P.s. definitely didnt get my nipple pierced today. I think Im going on sunday though. I really think I want it. And I'll be the only one that knows about it. Even better! Love always, Kalyn. Current Mood:  happyCurrent Music: I'll be- Edwin McCain |
|
|
|
| Monday, May 15th, 2006 | |
| 10:42 pm | To me... from me... Oh man. What a day. I've been horribly moody these past days. I just about ripped someones head off today. I think its like going through withdrawl of a cigarette or drug. I wanted to talk to you so badly last night, but each time I have that ridiculous urge, I remind myself of the lies and the pointlessness of talking to you. I mean there would be such a point to it, cuase i miss you so much, but i'm not sure if its you that i miss or the person i thought was you. I just couldnt handle the lies or the bullshit or anything of the sort anymore. so i've had to let go. I just cant take it anymore. You know what the sad thing is? If you'd have told me about the things that you were up to... the worst thing that would have happened is that I'd have asked for an explanation and if the explanation were reasonable... maybe have been upset, but accepted it. If not. I'd have just simply been upset and asked you to stop. But now we're not even talking. And the sad thing is, I bet you're still talking to her... and between the two of you, you lost the best god damn thing you'll ever have. It's just so hard on me, you dont understand. On the bright side... remember how we talked about me getting my hair cut and you said that it was like a person wanted to change themselves when they cut their hair drastically... i seriously would die if i cut my hair. i love it and i dont want to change that... so i think i'm gunna get my nipple pierced tommorrow. should be interesting. but shhhhh... dont tell. lol. I just want a change. I want the changes in my world to be reflected in my appearance, but not anything that anyone else would really notice. I just want to be a different person. I guess I want it to help me get over you. And you know what I was thinking... you broke my heart into a million pieces... you have no right to tell me how I put them back together... if I ever want to date Steve because I think it'll help me, dear god, you have no right to be upset with me for it or judge me based on it. I loved you so much. I love you so much. But I can't even tell you because there's no point. I tell you and you throw it back in my face and it kills me. I think its literally killing me. I can't eat. I can't sleep. And I'm so done with feeling like this. I just wish you knew. I wish you read this... kinda. if I really did, I'd be emailing you rather than putting it in here. No one reads this but me. I just wish you'd been honest. I need to keep going tho. Love always, Kalyn. Current Mood: sadCurrent Music: where'd you go... |
|
|
|
| Monday, May 8th, 2006 | |
| 10:03 pm | Another day goes by. To my dearest self. Felt like I went to bed a lot later than I did last night. I pretty much failed a social final cause I thought it was tomorrow, so I definitely didnt study a word... and yeah... don't even know what half the things on that test were. It was like who wants to be a millionaires 50/50 choice for virtually every question. And now, I have a math final tomorrow and I supposed to be doing the review, but I lost the page that tells me what exactly that is. lol. so I guess I'm shit out of luck. Pretty decent day besides all that. Not the worst day I've had in a while, but very few things were able to make me smile. Work, suprisingly was about the only thing. Brett tried cheering me up a bit. He looks like a squirel with his wisdom teeth gone. Jesus. I dunno. It was nice to know someone's there, but beyond that, he didnt do much. My plan is just to wait these feelings out. I need to give it some time, at least I hope that's all. I'm debating whether to make that promised call in two months. Granted, I have two months to decide, but it still gets my brain going. Mother and Douglas were on the phone, hopefully working out their various issues. They were pretty cute with one another. Apparently he's coming over for a few mins. God I miss you. You just dont deserve to be missed. And I'm so mad at myself and you for it. Regardless, I miss you. Hence me trying to wait these bloody feelings out. My dog has been the sweetest thing in the world lately. He keeps laying at my feet and that's not normal. Maybe he can sense that there's something else going on. And the door bell just rang... and there he goes. lol. same damn dog. I kinda miss my sister. Its a lot more quite around here without her. But her jokes and wicked sense of humour usually manage to pull me out of whatever shit mood I'm in. Thank god I still have her in my phone. Her messages. Fuck. If I ever need a good laugh... turn to my sister to make fun of someone, perhaps specifically hehe. I would love to know why we do the things we do. How we end up in the messes we do. But until then, I guess I'm forced to keeping living life like this, doing the best that I can, keeping my head up and being the best person I can be. That's all I can do. That's good enough for me. -Kalyn. Current Mood:  okay |
|
|
|
| 12:00 am | Dear god I'm going to be tired tomorrow, but I figure that I'll be in better shape tomorrow tired with this shit off my chest than I would with it still sitting there. I was driving home from work and Rex Goudie's lie awake came on. Pretty much love that song for one line (And I'm not gunna hurt anymore...I rely on you to lie to me some more). I wont even lie. Music is my truth. Ironic that the guy that helped me write that is the reason I'm writing it in here. It really makes me feel better tho. All day at work I had this feeling ... I still kind of have it, not as much... that nervous, butterfly, I'm gunna-be-sick-to-my-stomach feeling. Still there, yup. Not as much. I've spent pretty much my entire day rationalizing the way I feel and realizing that I am so much better than this bullshit. That's what it is now. I just can't seem to understand why. I guess I just assume everybody is good and that they can change and that I'm worth that change. I guess some people are just meant to be at the bottom. They believe that's where they belong and therefore, they are. Scum. I thought earlier that I'd forgiven him. Obviously not. I'm up right now. Its late. I want to go to bed. But I need to vent. I need to tear into him god damn skinny ugly ass self like he has torn into mine. I need to call him and let him know that he has destroyed me. He has torn me into so many fucking pieces I dont even know where to begin. I feel sick to my stomach. I feel worthless and I promised myself the last time that it would be the last time. This time has to be the last time. I was stupid to think that a person could change. Maybe some people really do need professional help. Me for my anger. You for your lying and deciet. And her for her drunken stupors. Part of me thrives on this though. And maybe that's why I went back. Maybe. Not likely. Shit like this just fuels me to be a better person. To pull myself up from that bottom. To enjoy education, to become someone that makes a difference. It isn't about the money. I've decided that. I am intelligent, and I know it. I want to put that intelligence to good use. To help someone that needs it and WANTS it. AHhhhh. I'm still having such a hard time rationalizing that whole thing. I just don't understand the mentality of some people. And I suppose the more I sit here and draw it out, the more I will blame it on myself. Its time that I move on and realize that I dont deserve to be lied to or cheated on. Some people are ugly on the outside. And some people are ugly on the inside. You worried to much about the outside when you should have been focusing on the inside. You are no longer my problem. You are no longer anyone that I should worry about. You are no longer anyone that I will enjoy spending time with. You are no longer anyone that I like. So I guess with the finishing of this I will forgive you, although you've never asked for my forgiveness, nor do I ever expect you to. I gave you my heart and soul and you threw it back in my face like it was nothing. I have nothing left to give you. I can't be in love. I can't be in like. All I can be is done. -Kalyn Current Music: Let it go- Melissa Oneil |
|
|
|
| Friday, January 6th, 2006 | |
| 1:50 am | *sigh* letting go Holy shit. Its been a while. Figured I'd write in here. Seen as how no one reads this thing anymore. I need to get some stuff off my chest. I've decided to make some changes to me. None of this new years bs. Real changes. I've changed over the last year. But I want to change more. For me. If that doesnt sound too gay. I've become consumed with the rest of the world. Don't get me wrong, I'm self-centered. I will fully admit that. But I've become so dependant on the opinions of others to make me happy. I can't do it anymore. I'm not sure how to do it, but I'm going to. I've forgotten about a lot of important people in my life trying to satisfy others. The thing is, no one seems satisfied. Not even me. I've tried for too long to make something that unfortunately will not work work. I keep wishing that you will feel the same way I do. But you don't. And I've given up. I gave up a while ago. I'm only now starting to see that. I'm sitting in this chair crying. And I dont want to. I can't do it anymore. I want someone to hold me. I'm tired. And I'm crying. And I feel sick. Could it be worse? Probably, but it doesnt feel like it could be any worse. Unless someone was dying or dead. I feel like I have nothing left to give. I wish I was dead. That would make things more bearable. But I could never do that. Haha. That's just stupid. But. I can feel the pulse in my brain. I wish I could forget. Or fast forward. I have so many great people around me. I'd miss them. I wish you felt like I do. I wish you felt worse. I wish your tears were burning your face like mine. I wish you knew how lucky you were to have me. I wish you knew how many guys currently have crushes on me. I wish you knew how many times I've been asked out. And then I wish you'd see how much I really wanted you. I wish you appreaciated all those things more than anything. I think someone someday will. I think I'll fall in love with whoever that person is. I think we'll fight. But I think one day I'll be happy. I'm swearing off guys for now. That's all I can say. And when I'm ready to join the dating world again watch out! Haha. Brain is pulsing. Haha. Back is sore. Oh well. I'm looking forward to the day that I'm really happy with someone else. To the feelings I used to have. To jumping at a text or phone call. I'm looking forward to the feelings that seem to have disappeared. Haha. Well, enough of this junk. x's and o's. all my love. Kalyn. Current Mood: sadCurrent Music: fix you- Cold Play |
|
|
|
| Tuesday, August 30th, 2005 | |
| 12:25 am | Read the next one too. I can't believe how shit has gotten so bad. At first, you had me convinced that it was all my fault. But now, the more I think about it, the more I realize it really isnt. I have nothing bad to say about you. I have no names to call you. I have no ill feelings towards you. Honestly, I just feel like I've put too much of myself into this relationship. I feel as though I have given you every part of me. And yet, the same is not returned. I've realize that I have given you too much of my time. Too much, because the same from you is not received by me. I can't believe I've made plans with others that I care about, and then ditched out on them for you. Why? Honestly. The more I think about it, the more it actually upsets me. Especially since today plans were thrown into the air. In my car. It went a little something like this. "Maybe I can see you after work." " I don't know. I'm tired and I'm gunna have an early night tonight." Fuck that. It is constantly thrown into my face that you've given up soooo much for me. And yeah. Maybe you have. But fuck. It absolutely killed me when 4 people said "Yes, Landon needs your permission to go out tonight." I killed me, mostly because our issues should be kept to us. Not the entire rest of the fucking resteraunt. I get in shit for breaking down and hitting a low point and telling someone who is not judgemental or gossipy the outline of why I feel like crap. Like fuck. That sucked. Really, it did. And you know what else sucked. The fact that I called you 5? times. And not once have you replied to those messages. You always say that you don't feel like a priority in my life. I dont see how. I skip school for you. Regularly. Late for work. Leaving my house (that's still being brought up... 3 months later). I've broken trust with my mother, my father, my stepmom, my sister and my step brother. I've ruined relationships with 3 of those individuals. I've ditched out on my friends. I plan my life around you. More or less. And I'm am sick of it. Because I dont get any of it. I get you telling me that you want to be with me forever. And some change. Maybe I need to change. Maybe I need to stop wearing these blinders. Maybe I need to focus on other things, rather than everything in my life being about you. Maybe it needs to be about me. Then maybe I can stop freaking out over the stupidest things and focus on what's important. I don't like feeling like shit, trust me. So that's what I figure. I've given you too much of me. The only thing I haven't given you is the rest of my life. So with that, I bid you good night. Love always, Kalyn. Current Mood:  tiredCurrent Music: Inner Strength. |
|
|
|
| Monday, August 29th, 2005 | |
| 11:26 pm | A whole bunch of Listening. Gotta find ur inner strength. If you can't then just throw life away. I've got a cute waist, chubby face, thick legs, in shape. Gotta learn to rely on you. Beauty, strength and wisdom too. You're beautiful inside and out. Lead a great life without a doubt. Dont need a man to make things fair. Its more than likely he wont be there. Listen girl gotta know its true. In the end all you've got is u. All i know is ur not here to say what u always used to say. But its written in the sky tonight. No I wont give up. No i wont break down. Sooner than it seems, life turns around. I wont feel no pain, but let me love you once again. Baby I just dont get it. Do you enjoy being hurt? You're a dime plus ninety nine. Like my father's come to pass... Seven years has gone so fast. Wake me up when september ends. You stand in the line just to hit a new low. You're faking a smile with the coffee to go. Save, save me from this. And you, think we'll suffer much? Now I still wonder why, did you say goodbye. You let me stand here all alone. The pain inside my heart, Its tearing me apart, cause now I stand here on my own. But now I cry myself to sleep. Its like you're a drug. Its like you're a deamon I can't face down. Its like I'm stuck. Its like I'm running from you all the time. Its like you're a leach, sucking the life from me. At least not today. Cause. If its over, let it go. And come tomorrow it will seem so yesterday. I'm just a bird that's already flown away. Sometimes I give into sadness, sometimes I dont. I'm missing you And nobody knows it but me. Everybody needs a little time away. I dare to say. From eachother. Even lovers need a holiday. Far away from eachother. Hold me now. Its hard for me to say I'm sorry. I just want you to stay. Break down. You are not as fat as you imagine. Dont worry about the future. Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective As trying to solve an algebra equation By chewing bubble gum. If you ask me how I'm doing, I'd say just fine, But the truth is baby Not a day goes by. I tried to go on like I never knew you. I pray for this heart to be unbroken. You can never surrender. So happy together. Out of sight. Out of mind. Shut your mouth. I just can't take it. Now hush little baby, don't you cry. Don't make me cry. In the arms of the angel. Crazy as it seems, I dont want to be Anywhere but here. Thoughts of us kept keeping me awake. You'll think of me. Thanks for making me a fighter. Dontcha wish your girlfriend was hot like me? Maybe I have been here before. I know this room. I've walked this floor. I don't want another pretty face. In the end it doesnt even matter. I feel so ADD I love you, I love you, I love you. Seems like just yesterday, you were a part of me. Now I can't breath. No i can't sleep. I'm barely hanging on. Here I am. Once again. I'm torn into pieces. Can't deny it can't pretend. Just thought you were the one. Broken up. Deep inside. But you wont get to see the tears I cry. Behind these hazel eyes. (fuck... just listen to the whole song.) Listen to your heart. When he's calling for you. Listen to your heart. Theres nothing else you can do. Imagine. I gotta shake it off. Cause the lovin aint the same. Ever since the day you went away and left me lonely and cold. My life just hasnt been the same. Oh baby no. When I looked into your eyes. The moment that I let you go I just broke down. I will remember you. Its just emotion Taking me over. I'm caught up in sorrow. Lost in the song. You're more than a lover. There could never be another. That makes me feel the way you do. I fall in love all over. Every time I look at you. You're my best friend. Current Mood: relaxedCurrent Music: My Best Friend |
|
|
|
| Tuesday, August 23rd, 2005 | |
| 11:35 pm | Crazy Mother*cukers Hmmm. Dumped. Yes. I'm thinking that was the last time that will ever happen. With the same person. Sucks. I dont know if I find everything sooooooo god damn funny right now because i'm really unbelievably upset, or because it is truly funny, or both. So two people started talking to me on msn. And me being me, when I'm upset I like to vent. Or at least have someone listen to how I feel. So I tell both of these guys my story. And they both asked me out. I find that fucking hilarious. I said no to both of them. That's just fucking stooooooopid. It makes me laugh though. Someone breaks up with me and an hour later 2 people are asking me out. I'm surprised I didnt say yes. I would have only said yes to either of them to be a bitch and make it hurt. But so far, that hasnt worked for me. Its only made things worse. I'm actually quite proud of myself. Honestly. I think I just grew. I could have gone out tonight with someone. Or I could have gone out with someone in a few days. Just to be a bitch, but I didnt. I am sincerly proud of myself. I did something because I wanted to, or in this case, I didnt do something because I didnt want to. Look at me go. On another note, this other guy started talking to me about Kristine and told me that he thought that I hated him cause I never look at him or smiled at him in the hallways. Haha. Nope. I feel kinda bad. Real funny though. I tried calling Kaitie so that she could have a chuckle at the expense of the male species with me... but she didnt pick up. So here I am. Ready to go shopping. And I am sorry for the way I acted this afternoon. It wasnt called for. It was imature, I'll be the first to admit. Have a good one! Love always, Kalyn. Current Mood:  shockedCurrent Music: DHT- Listen to your heart |
|
|
|
| Sunday, August 14th, 2005 | |
| 1:26 am | Holy fuck! "If I need that attention, there's somthing wrong". I dont even know where to start, but as my msn name says, I feel like someone has just torn me apart and thrown me into a corner. I have so many emotions right now. They're all mixed up and I can't decided or think properly about much of anything, so this is my attempt. The rain is very fitting to the way I feel right now. The lightning and the thunder. It evokes emotion that I can't seem to feel right now. Or make sense of. I dont think I've ever been torn apart quite like I was tonight. Never. Not once. Not even in elementry. Never. Donna sat across the room from me and pulled me apart till I didnt think there way anything left. I'm sure we could have added a few more negative things, but what's the point? I don't even know why I'm writing about this. I guess to make sense of the way I feel. Once everything makes sense I'll just delete this. I'm so mad. I'm so sad. I'm so everything. I'm hurt mostly. According to Donna I'm cheap and tightfisted. I have no respect for anyone. I have no morals. I have no values. I'm mean. I only care about myself. The list goes on and on. But the kicker... you know what the kicker is... There's a name for girls like me. I'm a whore. Well guess what. That's just fan fucking tastic. I just sat there and listened. A few tears fell. But then again, what's the point in that? She said that I was the reason ( and my sister) that her and my dad had such a bad marrige. She said that I said some really hurtful things to her... You know what. I was seven. Eight. Maybe nine. I'm sorry. Honest to god, I am. But I was seven?!?!!! That was a decade ago. I can't take back the things I said or did. I feel bad. Really, I do. But beyond that, I don't know what else to say or do. I dont know if I can say or do anything else. Does she not realize all the shit that she's put me through over the years. I realize that we were not given the best of terms to work with. But like she said, she was 32. She should be able to manage the situation a little bit better than a seven year old. I can understand anyone being upset by a 7 year old putting them through hell. I can even understand her hating me. Really, I can. I don't really remember what I did to her, but I'd agree that a lot of it wasn't nice. But honestly. 32? Were we not just talking about maturity??? How mature is it of a 32 year old to make a seven year old feel like shit? like she's not wanted? AND WHO THE FUCK LETS THEIR FUCKING SISTER CALL HER STEP DAUGHTER THE ICE QUEEN?!? TO THIS DAY THAT FUCKING HURTS! Part of me cheered inside when Terry's husband did whatever the fuck he did. She had no right. Absolutely no right. And you know what? At the time I thought she was being nice to me. She was playing a game with. I called her the fire queen. Nice hey? I was 8. How's that? And they both used to laugh. Funny. I don't think so. And by the way, I've been told I'm cheap and that I dont care about anyone but myself since I was seven, so guess what... I GET IT NOW! I actually feel like the worst person on the planet. I was washing my face earlier and comparing myself to people who are in prison for murder. I wondered what would happen if my dad came out to talk to me and I told him I didnt want anything to do with him and then somehow I hit him and he charged me with assault. Landon's not using me. He's not. He loves me. Sure, he probably should have confronted my dad when the situation aroused, sure, neither of us should have lied. But beyond that. Fuck I don't know. I told them the truth. Because they sat there asking me, "if landon can lie about that, why can't he lie about anything else?" Because he wouldnt? I'm not so sure. If I could lie, why couldn't I lie about anything else? If he could lie why can't he lie about how attracted he is to me? Or to other girls for that fucking matter? At the end of the day, everything lately seems to revolve around sex. I dunno. It just made me think. Its not the first time. Everytime I have doubts it comes back to Landon lying to me in previous accounts. I just don't know what to believe. Donna talked to me like she was in my head. She knew exactly how I felt. She described how I feel when Landon puts his arms around me. I feel like nothing can hurt me. Like nothing is wrong. I'm not the first. I really need to think about this. That's all I can say about it right now. As for my dad. Wow. Don't know where to start on this either. I don't have much to say to my dad. I've had this hatred towards him build up for years. And finally, I think its all come out. I started an email one day... over a year ago. It wasn't sent to the right email. I've wanted to tear into my dad for as long as I can remember. What about my mom, you ask? Been there, done that. I've given my mom everything that she's had coming (almost) and she's given it right back to me. And finally, we've figured out what works. Not sure what's going to happen when I ask her about the money. As for my dad. I'd probably start a conversation with "you're a fucking prick. You've been there when it suits you. But you've never REALLY been there." I remember this one time my dad came and got my sister and I from out babysitter's on his bike. He carried both of our bikes on his back and then we biked back to his house in Mackenzie. I think that shows some commitment. And I remember when he came and got me because I couldn't handle my mom anymore and I lived with Donna. Oh. And Donna reminded me of when my mom beat the living shit out of me one night. And they got involved. Beyond that, and beyond paying child support, which the courts agree was not fairly or properly paid out, I really couldn't tell you what my dad's given me over the years. The knowledge to do a good job on everything I do. Not to do things "half baked". In fact, the last thing that I told my dad I wanted to do was get back into modelling. You know what he said? "Kalyn, you have to look a certain way." FUCK YOU. GO DIE! That just goes to show how supportive he's been. Always there, you know? NOT. Oh. And he can go to Michelle's soccer games. And pay for her soccer. And go to her practices. But when it comes to my curling. Nope. Nothing to do with that. He bought me my brooms and made/bought me my shoes. And when he did come to my practices, he'd sit there on his computer. Is it that hard to be genuinely interested in something I care about? If it is, is it that hard to PRETEND to be genuinely interested in something i care about??? Oh wait, my dad used to bring me iced tea in elementary. I guess its not entirely his fault. There's only so much you can do when you are given a certain, restrictive situation. But when we used to go over there on Wednesdays, or the weekends... what happened to spending time with your kids instead of letting the tv be their babysitter?? what happened to showing your kids that you care? I don't know what else to say right now. There could be more. But right now, I'm exhausted. I just don't know... Love always, Kalyn. Current Mood: exhaustedCurrent Music: Come Clean- Hilary Duff. |
|
|
|
| Thursday, August 11th, 2005 | |
| 12:15 am | la la la my face hurts right now. i washed it this am and it bugged me and i washed it again about an hour or two ago and it stings again. eff. and my pimples are coming back. i think its cause of the large amount of cream that i put on my face in vegas. holy eff, was my face peeling. i love hilary duff. i want to be a photographer when i grow up. but that seems so lacking of education. bring it on baby. lol. when i feel like writing, i usually have something to say, but right now... nothing's coming. yeah. really, i dont feel like saying much right now. that's it. my face hurt and so do my lips. the end. haha :P Current Mood: tiredCurrent Music: Hilary Duff- Love just is |
|
|
|
| Friday, July 22nd, 2005 | |
| 9:06 pm | saskatooooooooooooooooooon! Wow. Its boring during the pm part of my life for the past week. well, not kill-me-now boring, but boring all the same. I somehow figured that not wearing much make up... a little wee bit of mascara, the end... would make my pimples dissapear. nope. they're still there. same as always. i figured that nothing on my skin would be good for it. well... i guess nothing is nothing, because i just used some oxy pads... and omfg... they were both practically black by the time i finished with them. i will not EVER go on acutane. you can put pimples all over my face and will still refuse to be put on that shit. I miss being at the lake. It was so nice and peaceful and my sister and i definitely bonded. We barely fought. And if we did it was over the stupidest thing. Mostly me getting pissed off with the stupid "jokes" that she would make. and that was about it. I ate so much ice cream. I'm not complaining. It was good. I used to think that chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream was my favorite. I've decided that New York Cherry Cheesecake is my new fav. Hmmm. I dont really have much to say to anyone right now. Not really. I miss my dog. I don't want to admit it, but i miss you too. Haha. Corliss just started talking to me on msn. I havent talked to her in a year. holy shit. Brainiac of the universe, no joke!!! She's taking summer school. I planned on taking summer school this year last year. Mostly cause I figured i'd be waiting around for half of my day for other people/person to get out of school. that was a bit of a bummer. Mind u, I only did that for like... two weeks. Uhuh... good story, i know. wow... what an interesting conversation... mind blowing... NOT! I'm kind of bitchy right now. Not gunna lie. Yeah, I'm really not in a good mood. Not a horrible one. But definitely bitchy. Omg. I had a dream, I'm pretty sure, about... lemme think... i think ashley was in one of my dreams. nope that wasnt a dream. lol. i was actually just plain thinking about her. *i swear i'm not a creep*. lol. no. Something i did reminded me of her though. I had some weird dreams. I wonder if we're still going to vegas. Part of me wants to go, but part of me wants to stay. I'm surprised at the few numbers of pictures that my mom has taken on this vacay. she usually takes a million, but not so much this time. I just remembered something else i have to do. After that, I'm off to bed. I have a headache. And this bitchy mood isnt really working for me. Night. Kalyn. Current Mood:  grumpy |
|
|
|
| Friday, June 24th, 2005 | |
| 11:07 pm | Uhhh. Today was kind of gay. I mean, i had a good day. I watch the Terminal. It was good. And then I called my mom and she said that I might not be able to drive my car to work tomorrow if I got my license. It kinda pissed me off. I can understand where she's coming from but uhhhhhhhhhh.... so anyways, she just said that if I take the test in my car, instead of hers (standard vs automatic) that I can drive my car to work. I think that's fair. But then I have to be comfortable enough in my car to do that. I know I could do it. Hmmm. Something to think about, I guess. Well see what happens. I'm also gunna try and call rachel at work tomorrow and she if she wants to expo if I hostess. I can't see her wanting to do it, but maybe she will. I dunno. Its worth a try, cause I fucking hate expoing!!! Anyways, I'm getting tired, so I'm off to bed. I hope I pass tomorrow. Fingers crossed, I will. Night xoxo Kalyn. Current Mood:  indifferentCurrent Music: These words |
|
|
|
| Thursday, June 23rd, 2005 | |
| 11:36 pm | Thursday. Ahhh. Crazy day. I got up at 9:30 to go to an appointment... that i didnt actually have. turns out its on monday. fuck. it took me an hour to get there. i was kinda pissed, just cause i made the mistake. oh well. so anyways, my mom told me to call my cousin who was visiting from saskatoon for the day, so i did. Anyways, I ended up spending from about 12:30 onwards with my 2-30 year old cousins, my one month old nephew (once removed), and my cousin's wife. It was surprisingly fun. I wasnt quite as interested in the baby clothing and whatnot, but shopping for us girls was fun. I saw a shirt at dynamite that I really like, and it was only eighteen bucks, but it was an extra small... so I wasnt sure if I should get it. It fit just fine. It might have fit a little better if it was a small, but I'm not an extra small so I didnt buy it. Kinda bums me out a bit, cause I thought it was a cute shirt. And then there were the bags at sport check. I wanted a little one with flowers... cause the other ones were ugly. and a big one with sparkles and green writing, cause the other one's were ugly, but i wasnt sure how much I'd actually end up liking them. so i didnt buy those either. I did buy a pair of sunglasses. I like them, but they kept getting caught it my hair. And it suuuuuuuuuuuucks that I have to wear glasses when I drive (legally... i probably wont end up wearing them, eventually...) cause they're super cute, I think. Anways, we went for lunch (if 3 oclock is still considered lunch) to chili's. And ate a lot. Then Tanya's like "I think your mom misunderstood my email." And I felt like suuuuuuuuuuuch an ass. Cause in the email it said that she was gunna spend the day with mike and val and then the night with my sister and i and my mom. But my mom said to call anyways. So I did. And I felt like such a dumb ass, cause I'm sure that the day was intended to be for just mike, val and tanya. Oh well. I just felt really stupid, cause I'm sure there were other things that I would rather have done (yes, yes there were). It was still fun though. I just felt like I wasn't supposed to be there. So anyways. Finished lunch at chilis, then went to toysrus. Looked around for a bit. Tanya bought tony some toys. One of them I found. Then we went back to mike and val's house. Took pictures. I changed Tony's diaper (I don't know how to spell it... i think that's it). Then Tanya and I came back to my house and just sat and talked. She gave me a boyfriend lecture on the ways home. Strangely enough, it ended up just being about her and how she'd wasted 6 years of her life on someone that wasn't willing to commit to her. And how she was upset that she was still so hung up on him. I love her. I didnt tell her anything about anything. So she told me her story. I think she's afraid the same thing is going to happen to me. But anyways, we talked about baba and stuff when we got home. Then we decided to go and get some food for takeout. She suggested chinese and I suggested kelsey's desert. Fuck. I felt like such an ass at kelsey's. I felt so bad, you don't even want to know. Honestly, I just didnt know what to do. It was like one huge masquerade. Fuck. I just felt horrible tho. After that, my mind still on it, we went to the liquor store and she bought some wine cause its so much cheaper here. And she taught me that if I let out my clutch a little bit that my car will move forward without even pushing on the gas. I knew that if you let out your clutch it will slow the car down, but i didnt know that it could make it move. Haha. So anyways, we then went down to the glen and i stalled at the stop sign. I let my clutch out too fast. I always get nervous when there is someone behind me. But tanya was sooooooooo good about everything. So we went and parked (and ALL of my parking jobs... even at kelseys were fucking awesome!), ordered our chinese and I drove us to the other liquor store, cause the first one didnt have her ?fat bastard? wine. We came back and our take out was ready. We drove back home and she re-taught me to parallel park. It was soooooooooooooooooooooo good. I dont mean to sound high on myself, I swear, but it was pretty freaking good. I guess I knew what I was doing before, I just didnt remember where to line my car up. So anyways. I hooooope that I'll get my license on saturday. I can't see myself not getting it, unless I do something really stupid like not stop at a stop sign or not slow down in a playground zone. But yeah. I'm sooooooo psyched for it.!!!! Anyways, after dinner tanya started talking about how she needs to work two jobs (long story, but by the end of it, i was soooo pumped to kick someone's ass... not actually, but the story even got me going), and my mom asked why she didnt have a job that would use her university degree thinger. And she went it to this big long thing about how child services was soooo hard. And she told us this story about how this girl waited all day for her father to pick her up from the group home she lived in for dinner, ruckers, a sleepover, etc. She waited all day and her dad never showed up. A week later her dad called her to speak to her. What a dick. But anyways, my mom started to say something after the story was finished and I couldn't even look at her. Granted, my parents have never just left me there on my birthday and then called a week later to apologize, but still. To sit there and be excited that your seventeenth birthday is in 20ish days and have your mom say that she doesn't care because you're not going to be home. That kills me. It absolutely kills me. And I brought it up tonight that my birthday was in 15 days and no one cared. It absolutely killed me. And the other day I was on the phone with my dad on the way to my chem exam and he was like "it felt like you blamed me for your birthday's. I never called me and slept over at your mother's house... and blah blah blah." and he just made it feel like it was my fault. And then I brought up the fact that I had come at like 10 am instead of 8 am on my birthday from my mom's house and you know what I did. I sat in my closet on my birthday. No one bought me a present till like a week after my birthday. That birthday will stick with me for the rest of my life. He doesnt remember it, but I sure as hell do. And I remember another birthday when my step mom and my sister and my step brother went somewhere without my dad and I. ON my birthday?!! Like it didn't even matter to them that that day was MY day. I'm so worried that I'm going to hate my birthday once again. Ah well. I guess I'll see. I get my license in a day. Nothing can be that bad. Unless I crash. Then I'll suck. Until then, sweet dreams. xoxo Kalyn. Current Mood: tiredCurrent Music: You and me... I dunno who its by |
|
|
|
| Tuesday, June 21st, 2005 | |
| 10:17 pm | I'm not mad. Surprisingly. What's the point? I've pretty much given up on that. I just don't care. Ahhhhh... feeling in the heart. I dont like it... ef. I had an amazing day tho. Who knew that a person could have so much fun at ikea. Really, who? And who knew that hot dogs could taste so good? Haha. We went to ikea for lunch. Then go-karting and OMG I LOVED IT. Haha. I dont think I've had that much fun in forever. I'll admit, I was a little hesitant at first, but holy shit am I glad I went. I bravely wore a skirt. Pretty sure that the girl helping me in the kart got more than she bargained for. lol. but w/e. but it was ridiculously fun. cutting people off. And passing them when they try to cut you off. Fuck. I had an absolute blast. It was, no question about it, THE best part of my day. nurse hat and all. holy fuck. it was just actually so good. Its definitely something that i want to do again. The last time I went was in Mesquite at our hotel. I dont remember it being that much fun. I hope we stay at the same place, cause that would be really fun. My back hurts a wee bit from it, but nothing i cant handle. I'm tough. I can handle anything. Bring it bitch. :P And then I went to a park. Sucked that the water ban thing was on... but it was still fun. Did a little bit of this. A little bit of that. Pretty good time. I got some sun and someone else got more sun than they wanted, i think. then went "home". Little bit of this, a lot of that! And that's the end of my day. We end there. And here I am. I honestly think I'd go crazy without my mp3. I swear, it keeps me sane. Track 53. Yup. *like nothing could go wrong* Kalyn loves repeat. And her mp3. I had the wieeeeeeeeerdest dream. I had a dream that I was at work and it was raining really hard outside. I had to go to the bathroom so I left to another building right outside and Dustin and another guy were standing outside the building. I didnt awknowledge either one of them and they didnt awknowledge me. I continued inside the building. I went down this flight of stairs and found that there was just a tiny space of nothing down there, so I climbed a ladder up from that floor. I climbed a few flights of stairs and then I remember Dustin throwing a tampon at me. And then someTHING telling me to close the door as I continued down the flights of stairs (?I guess I went to the bathroom? and was going back down ). I guess I thought it was an explosive or something, so I kept throwing it, closing the door, and then continuing down the stairs, but each time I'd close the door the "explosive" would come back to me. And then I got back to work... somehow... and all these people had come in, so everyone was pissed off at me. And this lady wanted a high chair for her baby. I told her that ours were wooden but that we had plastic booster seats... so she came with me and the high chairs were plastic and blue and she was all pissy cause I lied, even though I actually didnt. It was theeeeeeee weirdest dream I've had in a while. Anyways. That's about it. I think if you go to bored.com you can find out what your dream means. I think I'll do that. I have an idea.. interpretation of my thoughts obviously, but what those thoughts are... who knows? But I'd like to know, even though the internet dream translator means jack shit. The end. Current Mood: disappointedCurrent Music: Guess who... My bff. |
|
|
|
| Monday, June 20th, 2005 | |
| 11:47 pm | MOooondayYY Ha. Good and bad day. Mostly good. People just got on my nerves a little today at work. Well, not really. I just didnt want to talk to anyone that did. Kinda made me a little mad. W/e. Nothing that really needs to be talked about. Hmm... other than like 3 things i had a fantastic day. Cept. omfg. I almost started to cry when my mom left the voicemail that said that my baba had left. I was actually so upset. I was planning on going home and snuggling with her and then taking her to the bus depot tomorrow. eff. I love when she tells me her stories. not as much as i used to, but i still do. oh well, what are you gunna do? i get to see her again in a month, so... its not too bad. i love her. she said a prayer for me for my exam. I think that's such a sweet thing. like really. one of the sweetest. its making tears like well up in my eyes. lol. i dunno. just cause its her. she's my favorite. mostly. but yeah... wrote my exam. hopefully i did ok. i was definitely planning on studying last night and i definitely didnt. oh well. i hope i did well. fingers crossed. and then... to the dq grill and chill. haha. that was fun. like actually. even getting a bit of ice cream up my nose was fun. plus, i knew what i wanted to do. definitely a change. haha. the girl there was effing awesome. and we (not really me... but we'll pretend it was my money) tipped her 3 bucks on 15 and she was soooooooo excited. it made me sooo happy. like actually. it was the smallest thing, but it was sweet. Then work. Blah. as always. then again, its work. what can you expect. I had fun doing my roll ups. Or pauls roll ups. But hey, if you want to pay me ten bucks, i'll do yours too! Waiting for the bus was dec. i actually liked being shot at with that nerf thinger. honestly. it might be a different story if someone had actually hit me, but yeah... it was fun. It would be sooooo much fun to have like a little dart contest when the restaraunt is closed. and just shot eachother. that would be sweet. i'm getting kind of tired. I'm trying to wait up. its not looking so good tho. ahhhhhhh. tiiiiiiiired. Maybe i have mono. lol. or anorexia. lol. I miss school. Kinda. I miss all my friends. I wish I had school one day a week. or maybe two. that would be theeeeeeee best! Ah well. one more year. And then i might be gone somewhere else. which will be weird. what the hell. I definitely dont know if i want to go to the states. eff. and i have... 9... 8 days till i go. fuckkkkkkkk. this sucks my ass. I was thinking i still had a few weeks up until yesterday. Apparently not. Fuck. I'm gunna miss some people so fucking much that it'll actually make me cry. Like a friggin baby. Bring on the kleenex, cause i swear on my life I'm gunna need it. And if my birthday suck, I'll need even more. Ahhh.. K. there's tears welling up in my eyes. And I have that feeling in my throat. But i wont cry. At least not yet. Specially since I'm still not completely 100 percent sure i'm going. But 95 is pretty damn close. Fuck. I'm gunna miss 2 people in particular soooooooooooooooo much. Yup. More tears welling up. But ..... noooooooooooooooo. One tear fell....... eff. And there goes the other eye. Ah well, it had to happen sooner or later. At least now I can see again. I guess I'll... I don't really know what I'm gunna do. I have one more friday in calgary. And it wont be spent with you. Ah this sucks my ass. I lovvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvve you. xoxo Kalyn. Current Mood: frustratedCurrent Music: goin crazy- natalie |
|
|
|
| Saturday, June 11th, 2005 | |
| 9:22 pm | Uhhhhh Today was gayyyyyyyyy. Well not gay gay. But gay. Nothing really good happened. And I've decided that the only time that I've ever really drunk in when I'm upset. Well, besides like once or twice. Pretty sure. yeah. There was a point to this, but i really dont remember. Nothing special. I've definitely been writing an essay for the past hour and a half and I've only written like not even a page. Kinda sucks. I haven't completely read the book i'm writing it on, so that might have something to do with it. Fuck. I wanna take my doggie for a walk. He and i. My buddy. But I want to get this bullshit essay out of the way. Haha. I keep saying the word "uhh". I have a lot to do. Not really wanting to do half of it. Uh. I want my lisense. My mom took off my licence plate. Don't know if that means I dont have insurance on my car anymore. Oh yeah. I remember. That was the point of this. 10 more days. Then I can get my license. Then i can insure my car on my own and get my own plates in my own name. if my mom really wants to be a bitch she can say that she wont sell me my car, because technically, even though i paid for it, its hers. Its in her name. If she wants to be a bitch about it, she really could. Fuck. I love my car. It would definitely suck if she just gave me the 3 grand for it. Specially since its worth a lot more than that. I could sell my baby for like 5. Either way. 10 days, I have complete freedom. I almost want to move out. I do, but I dont. Firstly, I dont know where I'd move to. I dont have the money for anything. I have soooooome options, but if I ever got in a fight with those options I'd definitely be fucked. But I could do it. I think i could anyways. I mean I dont really eat much at home. I eat probably 100 bucks of grocerys a month, if that. And my mom pays for my electricity and shit. Other than that, Im independant. In fact, my parents owe me probably over 500 bucks for "section 7" expenses. How fucking gay is that. My fucking parents fucking make me pay for my shit. not my sisters. But mine. Definitely mine. I pay for all of my perscriptions, my curling and anything else that I want. Like I said before, I'm provided with the basics. Food, clothing and on occasion, rides. Other than that, I'm autonomous . Oh and school fees. Come september, If i moved out, I'd be fucked. I could pay for them, but that would just suck, and legally don't my rents HAVE to pay for that. Fuck whatever. They're both just so fucking gay. I'm under house arrest. Sersiously. My mom said she'd call me every hour to make sure I was home. She's called me once so far. Not so bad. But still. That's fucking gay. All because I went out on monday. NOt sure if that was the greatest idea in the world, specially since i really didnt get much talking done. Fourth drink of the hour was just poured. Haha. Gay. What the hell am I doing. Being dumb I guess. I can still definintely type. But I still have that essay to write. It fucking sucks so far. I'm listening to a song right now, and every time I hear it on the radio, I wonder if you're listening to it, and if it makes you think of me. I know you listened to it once. Then you texted me and it practically made me cry. Or smile. I dont know. Yeah for sarah mclaughlan now. Good stuff. I remember dating dustin and walking home by myself one night and being really upset cause I didnt have anyone to talk to and that was all i wanted, thats all i ever really want, just someone to be there. Anyways, I listened to "arms of the angel." and it made me feel so much better. Wow. That's was such a long time ago. Crazy memories. I guess we all have them. Wow. Uhhhhhhhh. this sucks my ass. once again,, this sucks. Did you know that your body metabolizes alcohol at a rate of 1/3 an ounce every hour. Doesnt matter who you are. The joys of chemistry. The things you learn. I need a 5th. Man am I going to have to pee. lol. What the fuck am I doing. honestly. I just. I dunno. I feel like shit. Actually. for like the past week i have. i think its cause i'm sick. but i actually feel like shit. And last night sucked my ass. It really did. It sucked mostly cause I had plans for like a week and a half. And all I wanted was to be held. And it sucked cause I could be. Omg. I am definitelly drunkk. this sucks. i dont want to be. what the hell.i think me and the dog are just going to go to the park. sounds good eh? I hate drinking. I hate alchol. I fucking hate all of this. I hate it. Honestly. I dont know why people get drunk. I know dustin told me once why he does it, but the rest of the world, i'm unaware. I don't know why the fuck I'm doing what I'm doing. Speically If i have to write an essay. Uh... 6? 5 and a half. I dont even know what its like to be drunk. I can still read. If I wanted to talk to someone i could. my mom just called to make sure I was home. i am. and i talked to her. she didnt know the diff. so whats it to you. Did you know that there are like a million and one calories in alcohol and they're even worse for you than sugar, cause there is nothing to them. ahah. Good story. K. I'm done. I really fucking miss you. Like so muccccch. haha. I love you. I reallly do. You make me feel so good when you try. When you try to make me feel special. I know you cant always do that. But you make me feel so great when you do. You make me feel important. You make me feel like i matter. A real change from this afternoon, cause I felt liek it shoudl have just left. I'm sorry, but i did. I almost regret not leaving. Fuck. Why do people date me? honestly> why? K, well, I love you. I'm definitly drunk. I'm gunna take my dog to the park, finish my essay and talk to you. I love you. the end. night. P.s. Alan better not fuck up what he has with ashley. P.P.s. Apparently I told ashley that i wanted to smash her head into the ground. I would never say that though. Specially since i like her so much. Damn. Oh well, what you gunna do. Sorry ash. Current Music: Unreachable- Ashley Simpson |
|
|
|
| Wednesday, June 8th, 2005 | |
| 9:15 pm | Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh Ahah. So my dad just called. I said "hello". He said "who is this?". I said "Kalyn". He said "Is michelle there?". I said "yes". End of conversation. Haha. I went upstairs to put my eyedrops in and I heard my sister crying. I cared. But she was such a bitch when she got home from my dad's that I just left her alone. She's such a bitch like alllll the time. But she's my little sister so I care about her. Anyways. Got home and fell asleep for an hour and a half. I'm always so tired. Kinda gay day. Nothing special. Just you. Hopefully for a while. I really do. I dont want to have to say no for good. Current Mood:  sick |
|
|
|