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The Writings of a Lost Soul

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Oh joy [29 Jul 2003|12:23pm]
[ mood | worried ]

Today is meh sister's birthday..yey for her. She's fucking 18 years old now. How stupid. She gets an I MAC because she is going to art school and needs it for the art programs. Thats stupid, I want a better computer.

Oh, and for the record: I've never done drugs, nor did I slit my wrists last night. I haven't cut for over 4 weeks. I didnt do cocaine at Conor's party. I kind of write lies only because they are thoughts in my head. This is a venting journal---I'm suppose to vent. Venting to me is saying things that bother me, things that i'd like to do or things that I am thinking (despite the fact that they might be lies)

I have had alcohol before. But just a little, never to get drunk.

I don't feel like I need to vent much today, I just wanted to clear a few things up.

I'm sorry for..."lying" but that was what I was thinking about when I wrote it.

I have been feeling a tad more depressed than usual though...I'm gonna cut before I go on vaca. with Cilla.
The only reason is because it's going to be hell with her and I need to remind myself that I already cut and I dont need to do it again for the rest of the vaca. She cuts too..psuedo depressed though. She never had a reason for cutting, so I can only assume she started because I was cutting long before her.

I am also planning on cutting pretty deep before school starts. That is, if I am as depressed then as I am now.

Pick up the razor

kill yourself real nice [28 Jul 2003|01:13pm]
[ mood | hungry ]

I'm hungry. But will I eat? No. Remember..going Anorexic? I slit my wrists really deep last night. I was hoping to die, but alas, I did not. Now let's see if I can hide the cuts.

I'm going to go get high...or drunk..or anything.

Pick up the razor

Off to hell [26 Jul 2003|10:45pm]
[ mood | high ]

I'm thinking I should be anorexic..not because I want to be, but because everytime I eat, I feel sick.
It's like my body is telling me that I should stop eating. I don't know. I'm considering, I find myself to be rather disgusting. I weigh 130 lbs. I shouldn't way that much. At all.

My eyes burn...and my nose does too. It must be that cocaine I had at Conor's party.
hmm..what a rush.

Yeah, I went to conor's party. I didn't tell amanda either. She doesn't know that conor hates her. He didn't want her to go, so i told her I wasn't going and then she just didnt go. I did go though. It's not really mean, it's just that at first I didn't want to go.

My ex was there. hm.nick. He reminds me SO much of Bam Margera and it makes me want him bad. It'll never be..because he dumped ME. So...i dont know. I can dream, cant I?

I'm a tad worried about Seel. She cuts... I know i shouldnt be worried, I mean, I cut too. On the wrists even. She cuts on her ankle. No death threat really, but still. I'm scared for her. But I worry too much anyway.

Pick up the razor

Great [25 Jul 2003|07:38pm]
[ mood | angry ]

I'm so HAPPY that I have nothing to do today. No, really, it pisses me off that she is being such a hostile bitch. (she as in, a nameless) She never wants to hang out anymore. It's really sucky. I am home bored, right now. I wouldv'e been out but alas, i am not. I cannot be out if I'm the only girl. How stupid. And now she's not online and I bet she went without me. I hate her sometimes. I hate everyone right now. I want to cut because this makes me so worked up and I hate it so much.

*Sigh* It's not fair that she does this to me. It's not fair at all.
She's a psuedo-goth with psuedo-depression. It's all bullshit. I can't believe she thinks she is a fucking depressed soul. Maybe she should just go get tested for Depression instead of acting all "woe is me" all the time. Lighten up you fucking prick.

Yeah, she's my best friend, but sometimes I just cant STAND her.

Pick up the razor

The first attempt at suicide [25 Jul 2003|03:16pm]
[ mood | happy ]

So this is it, isn't it? This is my outlet. No one that I know will read this. No one. It makes me rather happy to know that. I can vent as much as I want and there is no way someone can backstab me, because I'm not telling this to anyone I know.

What an outlet. Much like death, really.
hmm, this is also a good journal because I can discuss cutting and suicide. I could not before in my Livejournal, seeing as my sister reads it. I could not discuss it much in Deadjournal, because people that "worry about me" will read it. But on this, I am free.

Free to talk about suicide
Free to talk about Life
and Free to kill myself through words.

Pick up the razor

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