| book recomendations? |
[Saturday, April 5th, 2008
@ 4:12pm] |
im about to have surgery and wont be able to do anything but sit at home for a week.. any good books you reccomend??
cause' when you look at me
I'll be digesting. your legs
cause' i can hardly see
whats in front of me, these days
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[Thursday, June 15th, 2006
@ 6:47pm] |
so boyfriends been gone all week
ive only talked to him once
i hate always having to call. and when i call he doesnt talk much bc he hates the phone.
hes at jesses.
although when he wanted to come over here he couldnt.
funny
whatever
my week has sucked
yesterday i spent the night at aubreys
it was fun
today i came home
i worked out
i havent eat all day
i really havent eaten all week
the only thing i had was pei wei last night at aubreys
hunger doesnt hurt anymore i guess.
it feels good in a sick way
ive worked out for over an hour everyday. this week. it feels good. i just want to be happy again .im happy. but ive never been happy with myself i dont think.
tommorow is the mall.
saturday is by myself
sunday is by myself
monday is probably by myself
WHY in the fuck would you want to honestly go hang out with taylor monday after hes said horrible things about me. i gaurantee you , if ANY , including aubrey, friend of mine said those kindov things about you. i wouldnt step foot in their house again.
and i swear to fuckign god dixie. if you bring jesse with you to my house when you get my truck you can take your ass straight back home. i miss you and want to see you. not you AND him. besides you have ALL FUCKING WEEK to bond with him. thats so much better than being with your girlfriend.
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[Monday, June 5th, 2006
@ 6:37pm] |
back from padre
had a greeat time
me terry and dixie swam all day saturday , most of friday, and a little sunday
i got my nose re pierced
terry got a henna tattoo
we had a lot of fun
we stayed up late on our bunkbeds watching the disney channel
i love my boyfriend
and i love terry
the end
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[Saturday, May 27th, 2006
@ 9:55pm] |
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"I dont deserve anything. i dont deserve you because you deserve something beautiful."
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[Sunday, May 21st, 2006
@ 8:34pm] |
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[Tuesday, May 16th, 2006
@ 9:56pm] |
so a lot has gone on
i got my first tattoos
theyre awesome
my boyfriend and i are amazingly well. unlike other people
anyways,
man only a week of school left. im so happy. me and dixie aubrey are going to padre island the week after school lets out
and im going with dixie to mexico with his family
then im going to hawaii with aubrey
i love dixie. hes the greatest thing in my life. and we're getting married.
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[Thursday, April 27th, 2006
@ 11:33am] |
i love that boy
28 days til summer
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[Sunday, April 16th, 2006
@ 9:24am] |
i hate this weekend
havent seen him since friday
i want to just sleep
and not wake up until things go my way
i hate this
why am i being like this
i have that feeling in my stomach like i just got dumped
and i havent
i just feel like crying
and im clueless to why
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| Beauty sounds like smashed guitars |
[Saturday, April 15th, 2006
@ 9:18pm] |
i dont know whats wrong with me
ive just been sad all the time
if im not with him
im all bitchy and depressed
i feel like hes sick of me
i just i dunno
i dont ever want him to be sick of me
it hurts you know
i used to see him everyday
now its if im lucky twice a week
and i dont like that
and i cant tell him that
because he'll feel bad
and thats the last thing i want
im so scared to lose him
so i tiptoe around and if theres something i wanna say.. i usually just dont say it
i know i wont lose him
but nothing can promise me that
i know he loves me
i know hell never hurt me
but theres still the insecurity
ive never put full trust in anybody before
and i put my full trust into him and it feels like im just dangling there
i know im safe with him
but i feel like if he wanted to he could just crush me
sometimes i feel like hes too good for me
im
i dont really know
i know hes the first boy ive ever fallen in love with
ive thought ive loved before
but then he came along
and ive experienced a love thats more than love
its just . its perfect
he is my complete match
its like we were honestly made for eachother
as much as that term is used i feel it you know
im not nervous around him
it feels like weve been together for years already
it'll be 6 months in about a week
how amazing is that
im so much more than in love with him
i wish there was something greater than love
because love is such an understatement for what i feel for him
god
am i too attached?
i mean there shouldnt be such a thing
but its like everytime im alone and im not with him
theres this empty hole
and i get really sad because i know nothing can fix it
until i see him the next morning
and i hate school
bc i see him for maybe 45 minutes
i need him more than that
more than a day a week you know
im going through so much right now
i need someone here with me
rather than me sitting home 9 times out of 10
wondering whos doing what
or trying to keep myself busy
im still sad about my mom
my dad is too busy with tammy to spend anytime with me
and what do i have
yes
i know i have a bestfriend i love
and a boyfriend i love and he loves me too
i dunno
im just being emotional today
all this stuff
ive never said to him
and i guess i needed to get it out
does anyone even get what im feeling?
i love him more than anything
id give anything.. anything.. to be 18 and be able to get married and stuff
i honestly do want to be with him forever
and i hope he feels the same you know
it feels so perfect like a puzzle when he stays over here.. we wake up and we kiss and we shower together and we eat breakfast together
i want to feel that complete for the rest of my life
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[Tuesday, April 4th, 2006
@ 9:14pm] |
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i miss my baby
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[Sunday, April 2nd, 2006
@ 9:58pm] |
i was so sad yesterday when he had to l eave
god
its so lonly now
its weird to not sleep next to him
and wake up and be alone or shower alone
gosh
i hate it
and im still sad about bambi
if my dad hadnt been runk and if tammy hadnt been whoring around i guess none of that would have happened
i miss my boyfriend
i dont wanna go to school tommorow
i just got off the phone with him
its just weird
last n ight i stayed at aubreys
it was a lot of fun
except i was so damn tired lol
im painting my room next weekend
im excited
the end
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[Sunday, April 2nd, 2006
@ 7:10pm] |
Its like I haven't heard that enough
Better luck next month
Here's how it sounds to be let down
After going round and round
You just step back and think "Wow."
I guess it's actually a silent sound...
But then there's
And
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[Thursday, March 30th, 2006
@ 9:42pm] |
Because you live and breathe
Because you make me believe in myself
When nobody else can help
Because you live, boy
My world has twice
as many stars in the sky
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[Wednesday, March 29th, 2006
@ 3:04pm] |
so today was a pretty good day
it the first normal day back at school
i only got like 2 hours of sleep lst night
when i woke up i was like.. yeah
but i got up anyway
and now im home and me and dixie are about to take a nap
aubrey was here today and we wore our SUPER cool shirts haha
that we made
and we wrote notes
the picture she drew me made me laugh for like 5 mnutes
so
yeah
i was kindov pissed today
as welll as my boyriend and other people
if youre going to call me a whore
please get off the doughnuts sweetheart and call me one to my face
im not a whore
i have not messed around with EVERY boyfriend
and it is NOT all me and dixie do
we actually talk
and if you dont believe me as him or aubrey
because we talk about things we dont tell a whole lot of other people
you know, thats what people that are really in love do
so excuse me for having sex with my boyfriend!
atleast i didnt fuck a girl i didnt love... and said i was gonna "USE"
fuck you
get a fucking life
ooops
you dont realy have one do you
oh and as for wanting to tell me off
why dont you walk your happy ass up to me tommorow and do so
because if you dont i will
i havent done a thing to you
and ever since dixie and i have gone out youve acted soo differnent towards me
i wonder why...
well anyways sweetheart
im sure youre either playing the " I ADORE YOU/I LOVE YOU/ GIVE ME A CHEESEBURGER DAMNIT! game with your girlfriend
so go deal with that
because my boyfriends here and id rather spend time with him than writing about your pitiful ass
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[Tuesday, March 28th, 2006
@ 7:14pm] |
so the past few days have been nice
dixie moved in with me he'll be living with me for a month or two
his parents are in the middle of a separation
jay is such an ass
but yay you know
now my boyfriend lives with me
i went to the vagina doctor today
got some birthcontrol
it actually wasnt too bad
i love that dixie lives with me
yesterday i woke up and he had made me breakfast in bed
which was pretty sweet
actually extremly sweet
and then we yeah
and showered and that stuff
i love showering with him
and bubble baths
even though he barely fits in the bathtub
which is extremly funny to see
so im sitting here with dear aubrey
discussing old boyfriends
and talking
and trying to figure out what movies we wanna see
and talking about old times and such
im bored,, but im not bored
i want my boyfriend
to be home
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[Thursday, March 23rd, 2006
@ 8:46pm] |
well i can hardly wait until i get the sun
and your lips
both pressing on my skin.
i want it to be friday afternoon NOW
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[Thursday, March 23rd, 2006
@ 8:44pm] |
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why do people want love so bad? when you don't have it, it's the one thing everyone's trying to get. it's like everyone goes crazy just so that they can fall in love. why? because it's the closest thing we have to magic.
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[Thursday, March 23rd, 2006
@ 8:36pm] |
so today
well this week for better word
has sucked
aubrey hasnt been here
but we got to hang out alittle bit which was good
i missed her
didnt get to see dixie
at all
this week
yesterday was our anniversary and i didnt get to see him
we just stayed on the phone all night in awkward silence
but whatever
i get him all weekend
and yeah it was only 5 months its not like he missed some biig anniversary
he missed our 2nd month bc he was too fucking busy playing video games
god i miss him
i hate school
me and him were talking about that last night
how we'd like school soooo much better if we had the same classes
but what only two months bare minimum til summer
summer will be great
me and my dad got in a nother argument today
so i didnt go tanning
we just sat there in the parking lot
he said dixie couldnt spend the night anymore
and i was like you cant take away the one thing i care about the most
and i told him i really do love him and he can punish me with that
no one fucking stays a virgin til theyre married
except for little chruch mice
jesus
weve only done it 2 or 3 times
in 5 months
id say thats pretty fuking good
considering our other sexually active friends that do it alot
i think its gross if people do it all the time
bc sex one time.. can last you a month or so until you really wanna do it again
i really do love him you know
its crazy
how ive never felt like this before
its the greatest feeling in the world to still get madddd butterflies everytime you kiss him
bc i honestly still get them
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[Sunday, March 19th, 2006
@ 8:47pm] |
this boy
is why i wake up in the morning
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[Sunday, March 19th, 2006
@ 6:02pm] |
so spring break
yeah it hasnt been too bad i guess
i got to be with dixie like 7 out of the 9 days we had off.
it was prtty fun
i wish i could have hung with aubrey more but we didnt
its gay yep
so the past weeks been pretty cool
i went to the mall with lacey and aubrey and lizzane
dixie spent the night thursday
it was pretty great getting to fall asleep next to him and wake up and take a hot shower together yeah
friday i stayed at his house
saturday went and got my dresss
which by the way is cute
and these shoes
and then saturday was dustins birthday
which i spent watching movies with dixie, while his odd family ran in and out of the house and his scary aunt angel nagged about hickeys and tried to break us apart the whole time
i dont like her
jeez
so then today
was shit
i got up and watched walk the line with dixie
then i packed up some of my moms clothes
which only led to me breaking down an crying
and i dont like crying
especially when hes here
but he just wiped them off my cheeks and put me in his lap and everything was fine
then my dad came in and brought up
"the vagina doctor"
and he asked if i needed birth control
and when i said yes
he asked if i was a virgin
and being the good daughter i am
i told him no
and he flipped
because im his baby and all
but jesus
he freakin slammed shit around after he left out of my room
and he left and went driving
and he came back and cried
and everything was fine
but hes been weird all day
and now hes mad at my ferret
bc he stole the remote
i think its just an excuse to yell
but im glad he knows
bc now i can get on birth control
and have no periods.. or fewer
and not have to freak out every time we have sex
bc i do
like last week.. wow i was so paranoid til i got my period the other day i was yeah..
but i dont wanna go to the gynecologist
im scared
but i know nothing bad will happen
im just glad i dont hve to hide it
and my dad is happy for me in the end
atleast i lost it to someone i honestly love more than anything
god i love him
and my dad said
"im glad you lost it to someone who your gona end up marrying"
which we so are
goddamn
the minute we're 18 probably lol
but anyways
i have no desire at all to go to school tommorow
i have no desire to sleep alone at night
or shower alone
or wake up alone
+!!
dixie gets to ride with me to school though.
thats good
k yeah
forgive me if I st-stutter
from all the clutter in my head
cause I could fall asleep in those eyes
like a water bed
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