| 06:08pm 07/05/2004 | |||
| I need to get out tonight, but I have no car. If anyone thinks they could get together with me around 9 or so, call me. I really need out for a while. | |||
| 11:51pm 08/04/2004 | |||
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So, the baby is finally here. Keely Paige Ward 6 pounds 6.7 ounces 20 1/2 inches Saturday, April 3, 2004 ( adorable ) At the doctor yesterday, she weighed 7 pounds. She's getting so big so fast already. She came home with a little jaundice, but it appears to be going away. I love my baby! :D :D :D |
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| 06:55pm 28/03/2004 | |||
| I am so sick and tired of being pregnant. I WANT THIS BABY OUT OF MY BODY. I can't take it anymore. And just sitting here....is driving me insane. I keep trying to find every little excuse to get out and do something. If I could find someone to go help me, I'd go clean out my car while it's still light out. I can't take just sitting here...and doing nothing. Each and every day seems like an eternity, just another day of torment in my life. I want to just sit back and relax. UGH, and I sit here and see all these girls that are all skinny (or er, normal size I guess)...and they're wearing their tees or tanks...and here I am, wearing my boyfriend's t-shirt because it's the only thing that will fit, and these pajama pants because all my other pants are too tight...and I just want to be in my jeans and tee. It makes me want to cry...actually, it makes me cry. It's getting so warm and pretty and here I feel like this huge boulder just sitting in my room with nothing to do and absolutely nothing to wear. And there's no way I'm going out and buying a new outfit, when I could deliver any day now and then not even need it. I just spend my day sitting here and waiting to go into labor. I actually was working toward that, but I haven't even had any contractions today...I think my body just stopped...and I CAN'T TAKE IT...I JUST WANT TO GET IT OVER WITH. I went insane last night at 5am and just started crying and being hysterical until I couldn't breathe and Brandon was freaking out and telling me if I didn't calm down he was taking me to the hospital...I can't take being pregnant another day...I'm literally going insane...isn't there anything I can do? I mean, sure..you could tell me to try not to think about it or to do something else...but I HAVE NOTHING TO DO, everything I come up with to do is just not possible for some reason or another. I swear to GOD if I have to sit at Brandon's another friday or saturday while everyone is in another room just having a great time while I just sit there on the couch being my miserable self...I think I'll just jump out the window. I seriously thought about drowning myself in the bathtub the other day...then I realized what I was thinking, and hated myself for it...it just made me feel worse. AND OMG, I just realized I'm doing that "..." thing constantly, and I hate that. I HATE MYSELF AND EVERYTHING ABOUT MEEEEEEE. | |||
| 05:18pm 27/03/2004 | |||
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I'm an irredeemably eejitous, liberal, not-too-generous, not-too-selfish, relatively well adjusted human being! See how compatible you are with me! Brought to you by Rum and Monkey |
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| 09:39am 26/03/2004 | |||
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I just got home and am so tired I could collapse. I spent the night in the hospital...I got noooo sleep. They kept me there on an IV and one of those monitor thingies for the baby, trying to slow my contractions down so I wouldn't go into labor. Then at 5 this morning they put me on oxygen because they couldn't get a steady heartbeat from the baby. Talk about one sucky night. Brandon kills me. I had to beg him to take me to the hospital, and he bitched at me. Then he bitched at me when I called him to come get me this morning, telling me I could sit in the lobby for an hour and a half until he got out of class because he couldn't be late. UH RIGHT. I feel so unloved. No really. I want to jump off a bridge. |
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| 01:56am 21/03/2004 | |||
| Today makes 36 weeks. I am literally in the last month. I just want to....cry. I'm afraid I'm going to be this big forever. I am so obsessed with the thought of losing this weight...and I guess when it comes down to it, it isn't TOO much...but geeze...I'm afraid to be weighed at my next appointment. I get so frustrated and anxious with waiting for labor to start, I'm so afraid of when it's going to...where I'll be...who will be there...it's all so scary. And I dunno what to do about this problem with who is going to be in the room with me. Sometimes, I think I don't want anyone there at all. And I mean, it's my decision, right? UGH. I dunno. So many things have pissed me off and hurt me the last couple days, and I'm so sick of being at this house (Brandon's) because every little thing I do is criticized. If I knew it wouldn't get out, I'd sit here and bitch about this one person who does it, too. Ah well. I'm not even speaking in complete thoughts...or well, my thoughts are bouncing around. So...I guess that's it. | |||
| 04:45pm 12/03/2004 | |||
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I hope to see you all at my shower tomorrow. Binghamtown Church, 2-6pm. There seems to be a huge abundance of food, so....yeah. Come enjoy. |
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| 11:30pm 11/03/2004 | |||
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( CLICK THIS BITCH! ) In other news, my car died in the Wendy's drive thru yesterday. Today at my check up I had gained 6 pounds since my last visit, which was only 2 weeks ago. I'm starting to retain water and my feet swell a lot. It makes them feel weird. My hands swell, too, and I guess my face gets puffy. I am tired of people making fun of me because I can't reach things and so on, and because I mostly lay around because sitting up is horridly uncomfortable. Fuck you all. |
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| 06:08pm 11/03/2004 | |||
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All my life, all I've ever been made to feel like is a burden. Now, I don't think that's going to change anytime soon. Why can't someone just make me feel needed instead? |
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| 12:12am 08/03/2004 | |||
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Does anyone know what channel/time Judge Judy comes on? I need to know for school purposes. I'll have an actual update later. |
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| 12:49am 26/02/2004 | |||
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I'm always getting shit on. Literally. So I was at Brandon's house today and I started feeling really bad...nauseated, shaky, head pain. It was the second day in a row I had felt like that, so I decided to call my doctor to see what I should do. He asked me to come to the hospital so he could check me out, and of course Brandon said no because he had class in 2 hours. So I was like, okay, I'll just sit here and wait it out. Well, I'm sitting on the couch...Brandon is in the floor next to me asleep and Spencer is doing something at the bar. I notice my hands are getting colder and colder, and soon the rest of my body...and I can feel my head jerking. So I'm thinking "oh God, I'm having a seizure or something.." and think if I throw the phone at Brandon, he will notice. Haha, no...I tried. Nothing, can't move. So I think of saying something, but I can't get my mouth to do it. At this point, everything is blurry around the edges...and I can hear what's going on around me, and hear myself thinking. So I just keep thinking and talking to myself in my head, telling myself not to black out and to just stay two at least until someone notices me. I hear Spencer say something about the cat and then ask me if Brandon was asleep. I didn't answer, so he walked by and did something to Brandon that woke him up. So Brandon gets up and starts trying to talk to me, screaming at me and stuff trying to get me to answer. And I'm thinking, good, he notices now and he can get me some help. I hear him tell Spencer to hide some "stuff" because he's calling the hospital. But then for some reason he decides not to, and gets his neighbors (Ben and James) to see if they can help. And for what feels like forever they all stand around talking and leave and come back, and the whole time (which had to be at least 20 minutes) I was thinking "why aren't they doing anything??". Finally the neighbor woman comes from downstairs and is trying to get me to talk to see what's wrong. And by this time I'm starting to come out of it. So Ben and Brandon try to lift me to carry me down 2 flights of stairs and take me to the hospital, when the woman from downstairs is like "WHY DON'T YOU CALL 911 ALREADY?" By the time the ambulance got there, and it took 2 (they had to call in back up to get this chair to carry me down the stairs), I could talk and feel everything but my legs. When I got to the hospital, I was pretty much fine....they took me to the ER, didn't even call my GYN, and the doctor there says "it was probably nothing"...they give me some juice and send me home. Oh, and Brandon didn't even go to the hospital with me because he had class...he sent Ben and James instead. Great, huh? Not to mention after he gets out of class all he does all evening is bitch at me because I want to stay with him....and who blames me? What if it happens again? I'm really pissed that no one did anything, and then that they didn't even try to find out what was wrong at the hospital. I guess I'll call my doctor tomorrow and have a good talk with him. |
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| 03:37pm 11/02/2004 | |||
| I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like such a failure. I didn't get the rent paid on time, and my dad said it was okay....but now I'm not going to get the phone bill paid today, which it's due today...and he asked me to take it yesterday...and I just keep letting everyone down. Half the time when my sister asks me to go get her something to eat I say no, even though I know if she could she would do it for me. I feel like my life is caving in on me...I can't get anything done on time, my room is no where ready for the baby, and I'm falling behind in school. I feel so incompetent. And then I have everyone standing over me telling me I'm a bitch and all this, and I don't know what to do. I really don't mean to be a bitch. I really don't mean to do anything. I just...I just want to sleep. | |||
| 10:48am 06/02/2004 | |||
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They called and said my urine showed signs of a bladder infection ....but.... I haven't given anyone any urine. *blink* |
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| 11:37pm 04/02/2004 | |||
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I am so mad right now...I have to take my cat to the vet in the morning, she's just horrible. We think someone may have shot her, and if so we know who it was. And let me tell you, if I find out it was because they shot her, don't think I'll just whine about it. They'll hear from me, one way or another. I don't see how people can treat animals with such cruelty and justify it. Could you do that to a human being? NO. And doing it to an animal is just the same, in my eyes, as doing it to a poor child. We think that just because we are humans, we are inferior, we have mental comprehension....that we are the only ones entitled to certain rights. And that's just not true. Animals are just the same...they feel, just as we do. And if you ask me, animals are just as entitled to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness as we are. Why should they not be? They have the same basic function and ability that we do. The only difference between us is the amount of comprehension. But that makes them no more a justifiable victim to cruel treatment. It's been proven that most, if not all, murderers started out with being cruel to animals...only to work their way up to humans. Though I don't really like the phrase "worked their way up", because torturing, harming, or killing an animal is just as bad as doing the same to human. I just don't understand. But I feel something has to be done. Yet, I don't know where to start. Maybe a letter to my senator? Mayor? Newspaper? :(. |
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| 05:34pm 30/01/2004 | ||||
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sick| 11:50pm 18/01/2004 | |||
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I miss my daddy. This whole being gone all week thing is going to drive me insane. I wish he were here. I won't see him until friday. :( I wish Brandon weren't out with his friends, so he'd stay here with me. I'm so lonely. |
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| 04:17pm 09/01/2004 | |||
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There's been so much I've wanted to get out that I don't even know where to start. For one, I'm sitting here typing this instead of doing all the housework and homework I know I need to do. Two -- I just got a phone call from a friend of my dad's who wanted to know....you know, nevermind the situation, I just find it disturbing. I wish my dad were here instead of at his stupid office, but it does comfort me to know he isn't driving home in the horrid weather. I wish Brandon wouldn't have went to work today because now I'm just gonna sit here and worry about him until he gets off, which is like, 9. Anyway, back to what I was talking about. You know, I doubt this entry will make sense. Yeah. I'm starting to believe that what I thought were normal pregnancy mood swings might be depression. Actually, I'm convinced it's depression. But it's not like there's anything that can be done about it, no one will listen to me...and those who do will soon grow tired of listening to me trying to vent what I feel. I don't know what to do anymore, but holding it in isn't working. I feel a bit better now that I have got my sleep back on an almost normal track, but now I have nothing to do all day. I want to do something that interests me. I wish I were at school. And another thing, I'm always feeling left out. Does no one want to hang out with me because I'm pregnant? Do they think I'm going to be a damper on the fun? Why don't I have anyone to go look at all the cute baby things with? I sometimes sit and think about how I wish my mom were still here. I think it would make everything just a little bit better. It might also help if I could breathe like a normal person should. AND I wish Brandon would let me be his roommate, he was all about it before, but now he's not. I don't want to live in Ferndale which is so far away from everything....and I won't want to get out that much, it would be near impossible with a newborn. I remember when I lived there before, it was one of the most miserable and depressing times of my life. It was like I was stuck in the middle of everything...that being middlesboro and pineville. I just feel so far away from the world. And I don't want to be away from everyone, I wish people would see me more often and spend more time with me. It's going to be harder to do that when I live 20 minutes from town. I wonder sometimes if people even remember me or think of me. People get so caught up in their own lives. I'm always sitting here and thinking about everyone, wondering how they are doing, what they are doing, how school is going, what they want to do after this year. And I don't think they think about me very often. I saw my friend Kelly (Callahan) at Wal*mart yesterday, I hadn't seen her since the day of prom. I've missed talking to her so much, she's another one of those people who just...well...I don't know. But I do miss her. Miss Green gave me this christmas carol to write...I remember the first time I did this I already had one in my head by the time she had handed out the paper. It use to be that way with everything I wrote at school, it was always there in my head and ready to come out. But now I'm struggling. I'm struggling with everything. I feel more and more like a failure each day. I don't see why Brandon's mom won't like me. I'm not good enough for her because I guess to her I've screwed up my life and I'll only screw Brandon's up. I wish Brandon would tell her we are together, I am so tired of feeling like I'm this huge, hideous secret. I wish people would stop thinking that the only thing to life that can measure success is money, your job, your house. I feel like there is so much more. I'd say most of that didn't make sense and no one really cares, but...well...I'm going to go make some angel hair pasta now. |
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| 2004! | ||||
| 02:54am 02/01/2004 | ||||
I think that's about it. ( now, to jump on the bandwagon... ) |
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aggravated| fklgafdg | ||||
| 09:34am 31/12/2003 | ||||
I am so sick of my life. To hell with not being appreciated. |
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| it's like summer, only colder. | ||||
| 04:46am 31/12/2003 | ||||
I can barely fit into Brandon's clothes. Sad, sad. |
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hyper| Hmm. | |||||||
| 05:06pm 26/12/2003 | |||||||
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| o_0 | ||||
| 10:57am 25/12/2003 | ||||
**************************************** Shoo, I got a lot of stuff. Lemme see, maternity pants, 3 maternity tops, 4 baby outfits, fleece winnie the pooh baby blanket, pooh flannel blankets (3), neck massager, foot massager, What To Expect gift set (What To Expect When You're Expecting and What To Expect The First Year), weird/neat candle holder, burp cloth and bib that are pink and say "mommy's little girl", picture/poem, foot spa, teddy bear, and this book thing you write in. Plus whatever else Brandon got me, I can't wait to see! Dinner was great! Turkey, ham, mashed potatoes, gravy, stuffing, green beans, rolls, and cranberry sauce PLUS pecan and apple pie. MMM, talk about someone who is full now. I just wish I would have had time to clean my room before I ate. I really just want a nap now. |
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chipper| *groan* | |||
| 09:02am 22/12/2003 | |||
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I'm sitting here at Brandon's. He's at work. I woke up and came sat on th couch, when I started hearing this weird rummaging noice. I thought someone was trying ot break in or something, until I looked over and realized it was something rummaging through this stack of boxes next to his fridge. Oh great, a rat. Anyway, I've been having problems with swelling. Jack and I were at Wal*mart night before last and my hands started swelling, then my feet, then I started feeling really weird/delirious/dizzy. So we just decided to leave our cart sitting there (which had 3 packs of soda and a box of Krave bars in it) and go to the hospital. The woman at the ER took my blood pressure, and it was 134/74. I tried to tell her that was pretty high for me, since mine is normally around 90/60....but she was like 'oh well, it still itsn't high'. Then she checked my sugar, and it was fine. They wanted me to wait in a room full of kids with the flu (which I've just got over) to see a doctor....there was about 11 people in front of me. Yeah, right. So I called my dad and he came and got me. I figured this might have been from anxiety/stress (it IS the holiday season, and I was at Wal*mart). But when I woke up this morning, my hands were swollen again. They still kinda are. I feel really sick at my stomach. I called Brandon at work and told him about it, and the rat, and he was like "oh well, I'm at work now, there's nothing I can do about it.." I'm probably going to go lay in his bathtub, dry my hair, and hope I don't die or something. |
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| Short. | ||||
| 03:07am 18/12/2003 | ||||
I have the flu. I also have insomnia. YAY. |
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| peekshurs. | ||||
| 06:27pm 04/12/2003 | ||||
 20 weeks. :)  Brandon. ^_^ |
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tired| oh. | ||||
| 12:05am 29/11/2003 | ||||
I don't know what I'm going on about... I'm really disappointed that no one (except steph and the exempted jackie) filled out my little thing in my previous entry. There are also a few things that are really bothering me, but I don't even want to mention them. I know all it would is start some drama, and that makes it even worse, I don't see how someone can get so upset over the things I feel deep down. It's just the way I feel...it's usually very justified, and I don't think I really ever feel things that are far-fetched. Yeah...I'm done going on and on now.... |
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anxious| Why the hell not.... | ||||
| 12:51am 26/11/2003 | ||||
popping joints sleeping when i want letting my heart get in the way caring Name Four Things That You Wish You Had: money a place of my own stability peace of mind Name Four Scents You Love: vanilla cookies lucky you brandon Name Four Things That You Have Done Today: had my head attacked by billy-bob (brandon's cat) got a crap load of school work (i'm talking pounds of paperwork here) switched christmas trees talked to great people Name the Last Four Things You Have Bought: food gas christmas presents holiday candy Name Four Drinks You Regularly Drink: pepsi diet (insert drink here) dole strawberry/banana/orange juice blue-raspberry icee Last Person You Hugged? brandon Last Time You Said 'I Love You' And Meant It? sometime today Last Time You Cried? this morning What's In Your CD Player? who knows? What Color Socks Are You Wearing? white Current Hair? really messy, because i haven't showered today. Current Clothes? champions for christ pj shirt, REALLY stretchy blue jeans. Current Annoyance? relationship PAIN. Current Longing? to be showed that i am cared for. Current Worry? family, friends, future, money....you name it. Current Hate? heartburn Favorite Physical Feature Of The Attracting Sex(es)? body? Last CD You Bought? haha...you can actually BUY music? :| Favorite Place To Be? on my couch. Favorite Season? fall. Where Would You Like To Go? germany. A Random Lyric: all i really want is to be with you, and feel like i matter, too.... Okay, I wanted everyone to do this...but no one did...so I'm just gonna post it here now and kill anyone who doesn't do it. 1. Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it. 2. Am I loveable? 3. How long have you known me? 4. When and how did we first meet? 5. What was your first impression? 6. Do you still think that way about me now? 7. If I was an ice cream flavor, which would I be and why? 8. Do you think I'll get married? 9. What makes me happy? 10. What makes me sad? 11. What song (if any) reminds you of me? 12. If you could give me anything what would it be? 13. Do you consider me a good friend? 14. When's the last time you saw me? 15. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't? 16. Would you make a move on me? 17. Describe me in one word. 18. Do you think our friendship is getting stronger/weaker/or staying the same? 19. Do you feel that you could talk to me about anything and I would listen? 20. Do I cross your mind at least 2 times a day? |
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frustrated| *cough* | |||
| 09:52pm 23/11/2003 | |||
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An entry just for YOU. Don't call people anorexic. That's pretty much tactless. It's none of your business if someone has or is cutting....unless it's you. Unless you were there, you don't know how many people someone has been with. SO shut the hell up about it. Oh...and Jackie's probably 10 times the person you are. And she smells better. p.s. No one really likes you. You get on everyone's nerves. Take a chill pill, bitch. And now...this part is for the group of people who think it's cool to harm someone because they're honest people. Lay a hand on Jack, and you'll answer to me. Yeah, that's right. So go on, do something about it.... |
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| Ugh. | ||||
| 09:17pm 22/11/2003 | ||||
I am sick and fucking tired of playing second best to everyone...and I mean everyone. Even my own fucking boyfriend. I have to beg and bug the hell out of him for long periods of time to get him to do anything with me....but his friends ask and he's all about it. He's going to be the DD for some of his friends tonight when they go to a bar. I DO NOT WANT MY BOYFRIEND AT A BAR. Even if it is to do a favor. He won't even go with me monday because he can't skip class or work. I asked him long before they scheduled him in...I mean...damnit...I'll probably end up having to drive to knoxville alone. And I don't feel safe doing that...but hell, what can I do? Yeah, I got my feelings hurt a bunch of times tonight, not that I think anyone really even cares. It really pisses me off. It's a saturday night, I actually look really nice...and yet I'm sitting here in front of the computer, whining about my life. I've been waiting for 3 damn weeks for Brandon to take me to a movie...but no...he has to be a designated driver. I'm not saying he should put me first in his life, but fuck, I should have a place somewhere in it where I don't have to beg for a little of his time. Is that so wrong to want? So this is the night I get. I get to sit here, possibly find a movie on tv or something....and I'll probably cry because I just feel like shit. Sorry, can't help it. Ah, there's so much more I wish I could say. But I guess I'm done. |
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bitchy| It's about time. | ||||
| 01:13am 22/11/2003 | ||||
I've been like REALLY sick lately, dunno what it was, something with my throat. It had been bothering me for about a month on and off...and it really hit me hard a few days ago. But now I'm really starting to feel better. Haha, which gave me this insane amount of energy (or maybe it was boredom). SO yeah, I got out the christmas tree and put it up. Yay yay. I'm gonna go christmas crazy. Which is really weird. I think I'm even starting to get to my dad...which is a good thing. Speaking of my dad...I dunno what it is, but lately, we've grown so close. Or maybe it's just in my head. Sometimes I like to just go lay on the couch and watch tv with him. We like to talk and laugh and stuff. He knows a lot of what's going on in my life (well, more than he did before). I guess my life is just changing now and family is becoming more important. I'm going to spend Thanksgiving with the Jackster, her grandma, and possibly Kev-head? Who knows. Anyway. I do know that my dad and sister are having a little dinner here. I think Brandy is coming over, along with my Aunt, her son and daughter in law, and their daughter. So I may drag Jackie over here for a while and let her see the insanity at my house. Who knows, it may even be fun! Ahhh...I'm so nervous and jittery about Monday. I'm kinda worried about what they may find...hopefully nothing. Then on the other hand I'm excited because I get to find out if it's a boy or a girl. While I was at the doctor's office Wednesday, the nurse was like "YOU ARE NOT 4 MONTHS PREGNANT!!!! You are too freakin' small!" Which kind of worries me. I had gained 4 pounds since my last visit, though I do think some of that weight was in my shoes! (hey, it's cold outside, time to drag out the nice, warm boots!) Anyway, I guess all my fears will either be justified or put to rest after Monday. They're going to do a level 2 scan, and hopefully won't find anything....because if they do, that means an amniocentesis. AH. NO. Yeah, so I hope it all goes well. Uhm..as for Brandon...well, we are doing really well I guess. Haha. I stayed at his house Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday (I think I got that right)! I'm sure his land lady is about to crap her pants. For the most part I'd come home during the day then go back to his house at night. I ended up staying there all day Thursday because I was so sick. I was asleep and his roomate, who is just now moving in, came by. I think it freaked him out when his friend pointed out that I was in the bed asleep. LOL. Oh well. Brandon had to bring me home last night and I left my car at his house because I was a bit too ill to drive. I wish I had been able to do some housework for him, but I'll be damned if I wasn't almost dead. Oh well. Yeah...I don't think there is really anything else I could go on about? Well, actually there is, but this entry has been so happy and upbeat....that it might just ruin that mood. Not that it's that bad, just something that has been on my mind. I'll probably save it for later. |
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Friends Info Calendar xobfuscationx |
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