9:58pm: Amazing.
Things get worse?
God, I'm tired of it always getting worse.
Isn't it time for something to get better?
Ugh, I'm just not up for it anymore.
I spend the entirety of my days feeling like shit and complaining.
Acomplishing nothing.
And there isn't much I can do about that.
Everything I do just ends in some sort of fucked up thing.
Whatever.
And everyone asks why I'm pessimistic?
And don't bother trying?
God, trying is so fucking over rated.
And I'm done for good this time.

Eyes of Fire
I burn right through you
Before you get a chance to see
Heart of stone
I will abandon you
Before you see the real me
I feel so trapped
In the world I created
Even if it was my choice
I can see out
But nobody gets in
I'm screaming but I have no voice
You look at me
You see me smile
You just assume its all okay
But if you searched
You'd see my fear
Why I regret each waking day
I'm not sure if I know myself
If I know who I am
If I know who I want to be
The only thing
That I know for sure
Is that you don't know me

5:41pm: I'm going to start posting poems in here.
Just because I feel like it.
So heres one.
I'm not sure if it makes a lot of sense.
But whatever.

Self Potrait-----
I painted a picture yesterday
A picture of a girl
I payed attention to the detail
And I plan to show the world
Shes spent her whole life hiding her face away
Now its time to face reality
She's ready for somebody to see
The face is so pretty
But that doesn't mean a thing
The smile is forced
And if pictures talked you'd hear her screaming
And if pictures moved you'd see her shaking
Her brown eyes are watering
But they hide away behind the make up
Her eyes are calling out
And they want someone to dry them
Her lips quiver as she falls in pain
Self destructing on the way down
She just needs someone to finally take some time and see her
Really truely see her
Shes turned grey from hiding in the dark so long
She's scarred from all the obstacles life has thrown her
Shes held together by memories
Her face has become emotionless
And she picks herself up
And hides herself again
The world isn't ready to except her as anything more then a pretty face
She picks herself up
Only to fall back to the ground
Broken

10:12pm: I think I'm officially having a break down.
Wtf though, I was like happy almost for once.
I'm just completly out of it.
And like, so confused.
About nothing.
Does that make sense?
Confused about nothing..
Okay.,,now I'm confused about something.
Whatever, that's not the point.
Imagine yourself feeling the best you've ever felt.
And then all of a sudden you're feeling the worst.
And you have absolutly no idea why.
That's me at this point.
And I'm like, a wreck.
Good thing I'm grounded, cause if people saw me now they'd be like wtf.
Oh yeah, and I got a live journal..
I post the link for that in here once I remember what it is.
I'll probably start using that when school starts.
Which is what...next wednesday?
God, I don't want to go back.
I'm just not up to a seeing people on a daily basis again.
Especially since I hate the majority of them.
And half of the few I don't hate aren't even going to be at High Point.
They'll be at the fucking middle school.
I'm glad I don't have to go back there.
Sure, there were a few great memories.
But those 3 years like, ruined me.
To the point where I don't even know who I am anymore.
I'm hoping by going to High Point and having all these new people around I won't have to deal with the old ones anymore.
But that's a lot to hope for.
Especially since the people I hate the most still think we're extremly good friends.
Ugh, I'm starting over this year.
So hopefully most of them will just...go away.
As long as the ones I need don't leave I think I'll be alright.
And there will be new people, so I'll have at least liek..2 weeks before I realize I hate them too.
I never used to hate people like this.
But I was so naive.
Most people are the same, they only want what's best for them.
And they will make you feel like shit if you don't give them that.
At least there are a few people left that haven't made me feel like shit yet.
And those of you should know who you are.,
And I thank you for that.

Alright, I'm done complaining for today.
Bye.

2:08am: Beauty.
God, why the fuck is that one word so important..
What the hell is the point in being beautiful?
And why is it thats one of the most powerful things we know?
Everyone wants to be beautiful.
Most people would do whatever it takes.
If somebody came up to them and told them they could be the most beautiful person in the world for all of their life savings a lot of people would actually do that.
And it's sick.
Just watch tv for 10 minutes, wait for the commercials to come on.
If you don't see what I'm talking about by then you're clueless.
All the diet pill comericals..all the hair dye commericials..
All these people who are getting older think they can be 10 years younger by using a firming lotion and dying away the grey hairs
They just want to have beauty like they did when they were younger.
I don't understand this whole concept.
Why it's so important for somebody to be beautiful.
Why it's so important for other people to witness something beautiful.
People go out of their ways just to see a pretty sight..
I find that same beauty by lying outside at night looking at the stars.
Everyone make me a promise that you;ll never let yourself get controlled by beauty.
And if you have it, don't let it go to waste because you think it'll make you conceited.
I;m not going to be all preachy and shit and say you;re all beautiful in your own ways.
Cause..some of you just aren't.
Some people are ugly.
It's a fact of life.
Whatever, anyway..even if you are ugly it isn't important.
Get over it, and find someone beautiful to make you look good.
It's sad, but that's how the world works now.
Don't you just love it.

1:02am: Pretend you're a thousand feet in the air.
You're flying.
You're at the top of the world.
And nothing can bring you down.
Except the inevitable.
In this case the inevitable being gravity.
All of a sudden you're on the ground.
The last place you expected to be.
And now where do you go from there?
You go as high up onto a building as you can.
And you jump.
Because you think maybe you can fly again.
Since you flew once you think maybe you can again.
But, this time gravity hits quickly and you fall again.
And you keep trying and keep falling.
Now, you see another person.
A person whos lived on the ground their entire lives.
They knew they'd never be able to fly.
They knew the inevitable would happen and that they'd fall.
So they never tried to fly.
And they never had to suffer the defeat of falling.
Sure, they also never got the thrill of flying either.
But nobody can have all of it.
Now you are back on top of that building trying to fly again and again.
And they are down on the ground living their life minus the disappointment of falling.
And you keep trying to make believe gravity doesn't exsist.
And they are quite aware of the fact that jumping off a building will only make them hit the ground.
Tell me, who's better off?


Ohh boy. Idk where that came from.
So yeah..don't pay much attention to it.
But, if you can guess what it's an analogy for then you win a prize.
Well, no..you don't get a prize..
But still, guess what it is about anyway.
It's not really that hard.

12:38am: I've come up with another analogy.
We are all radios.
Shape shifters don't care what they want to listen to, they care about what everyone else wants to listen to.
They change stations every 5 minutes tryings to please everyone else.
Hypocrites say they hate the station they are, but listen to it anyway.
Some people shut down.
They can't stand to listen to anything else anymore.
They are on the verge of breaking and if they turn on they'll short circuit and die.
A few people stay with the AM stations.
They like the confusion, they like when everything is static.
They don't understand much of what they hear but it's better that way to them.
Then there are those who stay tuned to one station their entire lives.
Everything changes but they decide who they are when they are little and stick with it forever.
They live in their own worlds in which everything is the same until they die.
Some of us tune to the news constantly.
Searching for one last drop of good news.
But they get left disappointed when they realize the news is always bad.
They start to live off of the bad news.
It makes them whole.
Then, we have the people who are so absorbed in themselves they create their own radio station.
Just to hear their own voices constantly.
They don't think anyone else is good enough for them to listen to.
And others, they are too busy trying to hear what other people are listening to to pick their own station.
They want to hear what everyone else does so they can critizise it.
Critizising others and judging what they do is better then having a station of their own.
They don't make any decisions, just as long as everyone else's decisions become worthless.
Some people just put a cd in on repeat.
That way they know what to expect constantly.
They can't be surpised or caught off gaurd.
So, which one are you?
I'm into contreversy.
I'd listen to stations you weren't supposed to listen to.
Just for the mere fact that they provide me with excitement.
All the things they don't want you to hear, I'd listen to that.
And every now and then I'd tune into the AM stations.
Just for a little confusion and misunderstanding.
And every now and then I'd set my dial to a news station.
Cause, I like to know other people get fucked over bad too sometimes.

11:16pm: Can you remember?
Just to start off..incase your an idiot and can't tell..i didn't die.
But I'm like...being punished.
No interent, tv, or leaving the house.
And you can tell by the mere fact that I am typing this now that punishment is not very strict.


Anyway...now for the post.

I was watching this show...and this guy had amnesia.
And I started thinking about how much that would suck..
Not remembering.
God, I can't even imagine it.
I mean...memories are what make us up.
Even the ones that suck we rely on cause they make us stronger.
Or they mkae us kill ourselves.
Whatever, they are important.
Like...sooner or later everything is a memory.
Nothing more. Nothing less.
Some we cherish, some we regret.
But they are memories and they can't be changed.
Unless you could like..travel back in time.
Which would be amazing.
If any of you ever invent a time machine tell me.
Because I want one.
Ah...But nevermind that.
Anyway, if you got amnesia..then you are like useless.
Your entire identity is gone.
I'd rather like...be in a coma.
Or dead.
Or in a fucking time machine.
Somebody invent one for me<3

12:04pm: I am sitting here, about to die.
Because why you ask?
Because I am completly dumb.
And my mother is going to stab me.
Repetivily.
And Alex is screwed too.
Because she is with me/
and my mom will kill any witnesses.
AHg. Damn it.
Because we are going to be caught in a web of lies.
Lol...IF ANYONE ASKS WE WENT TO THE MALL TO SEE THE BOURNE SEPREMCEY!
Okay?
Either I die or absolutly nothing happens.
Oh well..this will probably be my last post for the summer.
Unless by some chance of fate my mother dies.
But since I threw away the bible I am cursed.
And my mother will live.
Damn fucking bible.
Anyway,..this is my will.
And I'd leave Alex everything...but I fear she;s going to be killed too.
So..Nancy and Megan each get 30 percent of my things.
Colin gets 20 percent.
James get's the cds i was supposed to burn him.
Oh, and tracy and james..you better dedicate that book to me. Haha.
And Tracy can have all my books of poems.
Because she takes the time to actually read them when I send them to her.
So that's very cool.
And Chrissy get's the big safety pin I took and forgot to give back.
And the rest of you can like...have whatever's left.
Unless you are one of the 5 things I hate.
And you probably are.
So you get nothing.
:]

6:34pm: Survery Bout Meee:-)

8:49pm: I was watching this movie today...
Butterfly effect...
And in the begining they show the chaos theory..
And it's something like...
"Something as small as a butterfly flapping its wings can ultimetly cause a typhoon halfway across the world"
That's not it exactly..but close enough.
And it's weird...because if you ever stop to think about it..the smallest things really do make huge differences.
And they shouldn't..cause they are so small.
But they do.
And suddenly they aren't so small anymore.
There's these big fucking impacts of things that you never even stop to think about at the time.
I don't know why I'm thinking so much about this..
But it's just..weird.
Some huge things don't even change shit that mcuh..
But little things make everything so completly different.
One example...Me having to cut something out of a magazine had a more negative effect on me then 9/11 did.
That sounds crazy I know.
But that's the truth.
And if you think about it..9/11 was this huge tragic event in history..and me cutting something out is..well it's just this tiny thing that doesn't seem to have very much importance.
Not until later on when you sit back and look at it.


Ah, I'm not making very much sense..
So I think I should just stop talking.
I'll elaborate more some other day.

5:23pm: Ah, I have a layout. Yay.

Thank you eaxea @ blurty layouts.

http://img78.photobucket.com/albums/v334/blurtylayout/banner-3.gif

2:09am: Nothing...
Imagine yourself falling apart.
Like, losing all sense of everything.
To the point where you don't even know why you wake up anymore.
Cause whether or not you woke up wouldn't make a difference.
You'd still be breaking apart.
And whatever you do you can't change that.
Even you're reflection is starting to fade away..
All the color is lost from your face.
All the features you have just become plain and boring and you are virtually featureless.
All the light that you owed to your happiness disappears.
All your happiness disappears.
You become nothing...
And you don't know why..
Or how to change it..
It might not be possible to change it.
But still..you keep trying.
And you keep hoping maybe somebody will help change you.
Then you realize hope is useless.
And nobody is coming to change you.
Nobody want's to save you.
And you can't save yourself.
So, what are you supposed to do now?
Nothing?
That makes sense..you are nothing..therefore you can do nothing.
Then, with nothing being able to be done..
You give up.
You stop trying to save yourself.
And you give into everything.
You make bad choices...
You self destruct.
You are neither dead, nor alive.
Because in order to be alive you must be able to feel.
And in order to be dead your heart must stop beating.
But, even with a heart of stone..the pulse stays strong.
You can't make your heart stop beating.
You know you'd like to..but you can't.
Secretly in the back of your mind you hope one of your bad choices will lead you to death.
Death seems more fufilling then living a lifeless life.
Death is nothing.
You are nothing.
Death causes others pain.
You cause others pain.
Death doesn't feel.
You don't feel.
So many similarities...but they still mean absolutly nothing.
And you wake up day after day to the same thing.
You wake up day after day to nothing.
And life has become so rutiune and predictable.
And you can't change it.
Not even the bad choices can change it.
Not even death can change it.
Nothing.
Nothing can change it.


If that made no sense to you..you are lucky.
Don't ask me to explain it.
Because I don't want to.

4:56pm: Alright...this is my new blurty...or my other one?..whatever I'm going to use both.

But I shall be ranting here.
So if you don't like hearing me complain and such then don't bother reading this one.
Go back to xemptyxpromises.
Okay?. Okay.