Against my will i stand beside my own reflection   
02:38pm 07/06/2004
 
mood: amused
music: Linkin Park: My December
I'm offically back in Iowa. And i've gained something...very precious to Datier. How much do u think he's willing to give me for the safe retrun of it?
 
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Against my will i stand beside my own reflection   
02:38pm 07/06/2004
 
mood: amused
music: Linkin Park: My December
I'm offically back in Iowa. And i've gained something...very precious to Datier. How much do u think he's willing to give me for the safe retrun of it?
 
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Against my will i stand beside my own reflection   
02:30pm 07/06/2004
 
mood: amused
music: Linkin Park: My December
I'm offically back in Iowa. And i've gained something...very precious to Datier. How much do u think he's willing to give me for the safe retrun of it?
 
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Grey   
04:45pm 05/06/2004
 
mood: blank
music: Korn: Ya all wanna single
((Everything is so grey now. No more color. All the color left. Why'd it leave? I don't understand. Everything use to be so bright...but now its...its all dark. Grey. Everybody says the colors still there and that i'm just not looking hard enough.....But i'm looking really really hard. I really am!! And i can't find any color...I hate grey. Its so...drery. Lifeless. I dont' want to be lifeless. I want to live! I want to know what flowers are, i want to know what a rainbow looks like, i want to remember what its like to smile, i want to remember what its like to love and be loved back! I dont want to die!! I don't want to lose the color!! Nii-sama where are you? Help me!! Please help me!! I'm so scared now...please help me....please....don't leave me in the grey....Nii-sama...help....)))
 
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silence   
05:43pm 04/06/2004
 
mood: sick
music: not the silence...please not silence..
Silence.

Silence is so...broken. So many things happen in silence. Silence covers up all the pain. All the lies. All the betrayal. Silence is...my life.


(((I hate silence...why is it so quiet? It use to be full of life and noise.....When did it get so silent? Nii-sama? Where are you? Its so dark in here now....I can't hear anything...Why is it so silent? What's happened to all the sound? Nii-sama? Don't leave me here in the dark! Don't leave me here in this silence!! I'm scared! NII-SAMA!!!)))
 
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nothing   
06:25pm 03/06/2004
 
mood: sleepy
music: stedy beep of the mechins...
Nothing means everything to no one with something.


((I am so tired, nii-sama...i'm so tired. I wanna sleep. Can i sleep please? I'm so sleepy lately. Everybody looks so...well and full of energy. And i'm not. What's wrong with me? Why am i in this place? Its so...bland. And white. I hate white. Reminds me of hospitals. I'll never go to one again. You wont make me either, right, nii-sama? Nii-sama? what are you doing? where are we going? Nii-samam? Nii-sama, stop..i don't wanna go...Nii-sama....Nii-sama.......NII-SAMA, NO!!!!!


..............i hate hospitals. Reminds me of death. I like death though. Everythings always so...slow now. Like muted water. Merky green water. I hate it. I hate water, too. I can't swim. Everythings always so...bland now. Like...its all pale. I'm so pale. White. I hate the color white. White reminds me of blood. He lost so much blood...i lost so much blood....we all lost so so SO much blood. I'm so tired now. Can i sleep? Just for a while...a little while...i need to rest now.....))



Nothing is as it seems so let everything seem as it is nothing.
 
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nothing   
06:25pm 03/06/2004
 
mood: sleepy
music: stedy beep of the mechins...
Nothing means everything to no one with something.


((I am so tired, nii-sama...i'm so tired. I wanna sleep. Can i sleep please? I'm so sleepy lately. Everybody looks so...well and full of energy. And i'm not. What's wrong with me? Why am i in this place? Its so...bland. And white. I hate white. Reminds me of hospitals. I'll never go to one again. You wont make me either, right, nii-sama? Nii-sama? what are you doing? where are we going? Nii-samam? Nii-sama, stop..i don't wanna go...Nii-sama....Nii-sama.......NII-SAMA, NO!!!!!


..............i hate hospitals. Reminds me of death. I like death though. Everythings always so...slow now. Like muted water. Merky green water. I hate it. I hate water, too. I can't swim. Everythings always so...bland now. Like...its all pale. I'm so pale. White. I hate the color white. White reminds me of blood. He lost so much blood...i lost so much blood....we all lost so so SO much blood. I'm so tired now. Can i sleep? Just for a while...a little while...i need to rest now.....))



Nothing is as it seems so let everything seem as it is nothing.
 
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once more   
05:07pm 01/06/2004
 
mood: amused
music: stillness of death calls out to me.
Here we go again...


A love given to a boy that took everything from her. A love she did not think herself capeable of any longer. A love she can not give anymore. He took it all and left her be. Now she's gone. But yet she still expresses love for him.

Is she wrong to die for love that is not her's or right to live in the shame of a mind game?
 
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once more   
05:07pm 01/06/2004
 
mood: amused
music: stillness of death calls out to me.
Here we go again...


A love given to a boy that took everything from her. A love she did not think herself capeable of any longer. A love she can not give anymore. He took it all and left her be. Now she's gone. But yet she still expresses love for him.

Is she wrong to die for love that is not her's or right to live in the shame of a mind game?
 
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once more   
05:07pm 01/06/2004
 
mood: amused
music: stillness of death calls out to me.
Here we go again...


A love given to a boy that took everything from her. A love she did not think herself capeable of any longer. A love she can not give anymore. He took it all and left her be. Now she's gone. But yet she still expresses love for him.

Is she wrong to die for love that is not her's or right to live in the shame of a mind game?
 
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once more   
05:07pm 01/06/2004
 
mood: amused
music: stillness of death calls out to me.
Here we go again...


A love given to a boy that took everything from her. A love she did not think herself capeable of any longer. A love she can not give anymore. He took it all and left her be. Now she's gone. But yet she still expresses love for him.

Is she wrong to die for love that is not her's or right to live in the shame of a mind game?
 
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Gone   
05:50pm 28/05/2004
 
mood: contemplative
music: Korn: Ya all wanna single
I'm not sure i prefer to die by a gun or by hand. I like death. I like suffereing. I like suicide. Suicide is nice. But murder is better. What do you think?

New York is fun. And nice. I don't remember why Dateir is here. Maybe i should kill him on the plane?
 
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Lost   
09:59pm 19/05/2004
 
mood: thoughtful
music: screams
To scream and die...Die and scream. I'm so tired. I scream to much. I like to scream. It's fun. Blood is fun to. Really fun. i like blood. It's so....red. Red is death. Death is salvation.


I like to scream. Because then nothings real anymore. Do you like to scream?
 
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lost and broken i die alone...   
06:49pm 09/05/2004
 
mood: blank
music: Shinigamis screams of desired hell...
"If one is to die alone in silent screams of aganey and pain for a love that is no long there to give betrayal and lies to, is one alone in death or live?"


To die alone and cold or to live in a world that does not accept who one really is? To die and be forgotten with no regrets or to live with nothing, and be expected to be something one is not? What would you do if you could not love but you could not live with out the love you so wished to require? Would you die or continue to live a live of lies and fanitsy?


I'd rather die.
 
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lost and broken i die alone...   
06:43pm 09/05/2004
 
mood: blank
music: Shinigamis screams of desired hell...
"If one is to die alone in silent screams of aganey and pain for a love that is no long there to give betrayal and lies to, is one alone in death or live?"


To die alone and cold or to live in a world that does not accept who one really is? To die and be forgotten with no regrets or to live with nothing, and be expected to be something one is not? What would you do if you could not love but you could not live with out the love you so wished to require? Would you die or continue to live a live of lies and fanitsy?


I'd rather die.
 
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fallen angels scream for blood of nothing   
10:26pm 29/04/2004
 
mood: cold
music: their screams as they died...
"There will be a time. A time when all is well and life lives. The world will be beuatiful and content. Human life will be...perfect. The Day will come to pass in silence and none will know of the hell. None will know of the pain and torment they all suffered. The wind demon will perish and dwell in the land he hath hated so much, but he shall smile. The Grim Reaper shall smile and lay one finally kiss upon the angle of light's lips and pass away in peaceful hellish pain. The angel of light will fade away and leave, returing to his home land. The Five Misfits will have died, not to be remembered for what they have given to save this life. The hybird angel will slowly fade away from mind, slipping back into what soicity calls normal. And the Angel of light will eventually forget and all will remain in mystery.


And the hybird shall fall and die with no one to catch her."
 
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so board...   
05:23pm 20/04/2004
 
mood: depressed
music: ICP: KillKat Violent
I am..so board. And depressed. So..anyway....yeah...school sucks, ICP is the onlything gettin' me bi, i hate life, i'm planning out my suicidal death, I miss Seiji and Zero.......ah.......OH, and i haven't heard from my b/f in...3days. yup, three days. I'm 'bouts ta get my ass up and walk ta Job Corp ta see him......yeah...i'm gonna go...theres a blade callin' me name.....
 
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Back, back again...   
08:59pm 14/04/2004
 
mood: accomplished
music: ICP: Jacob's Word
(Violent J talking)
This a, strange, (voices), this, there's many, many voices in my head, many different voices (some are like this) some are like this (some are like this) some are like this (some are like this) some are like this some are like this (mumbling)


(Violent J)
i hear voices, one voice in paticular
It comes into my mind, perpendicular
Rectangular, it's a, strangular
He's like some kind of mental fucking mangular
I dunno
He tells me to punch Esham and Shaggs
So i punch them, i even call Twiztid fags
They get mad, slap me and smear my makeup
I've named this evil coive, named him Jacob
Jacob tells me "Climb the ladder and jump off"
"Head first on the street, don't worry, it's soft"
So i jump, thump, I'm on a gurney
Jacob laughs at me "You're so fucking nerdy"
Fuck him, i hate him, i can't escape him
I finally get alone, he calls me on the telephone
"Brrb" "Is Violent J there?" "Here" "Hey its Jacob"
"I want you to piss in your underwear, ok bud?"
Sure, i'm pissin now, it fuckin tickles
Jacob's dissing again, i herar his giggles
After i cut all my fingers off for that motherfucker
I've finally had enough
Go see a doctor, Doc, Hello
"Hi, have a seat, let's see umm...what is it...Joe?"
Yeah, Joe Bruce, my friends call me Chucky "Chucky?"
Either that or Bucky, fuck me
I'm sorry Doc, its Jacob again again, my names J
"Tell me J, who's this Jacob anyway?"
i fucking want him dead, it's a voice in my head
I gotta lot of voiceds, but this one's mislead
He tells me to drink toilet water and shit
"Do you do it?" No...YES
I can't help it though, i can't stop it
"J...what i want you to do is drop it"
Drop what?
"Your feelings of denial"
"I mean your an asshole, let's face it, Jacob, he's got style:
yea
"You should do...exactly what he tells you"
Even stabe myself? "Yea, hells yea"
Fuck man, are you sure Doc? "Sincerly"
"Now on your way out pay my fucking secretary"
Wow, $300 bucks and i'm cured, it's obsurd
All i gotta do is wait for the word.
Now i aint hear from old Jacob in a while
I'm at home jerking my dick off to Gilliigain's Island, when Bang!
He popped in "J, what's up homie?"
Where you been Jacob, dawg it's been lonely
Doc say's i should roll wit'ch you, let's do this
"Alright, well lets start off with a glass of your onw piss!" with ice?
"No ice!" *lup sound* nice..."Finish up the whole glass, and repeat it twice"
All done "Let's go; put ur shoes on" where we going homie
"To the graveyard" what? "i want you ta dig urself up a girlfriend"
Dig up a dead body? "I wont say it again!"
"You heard what the doctor said, fuckin' do it"
Well, fuck it, hand me my shovel and bucket
I dug the bitch, literally, i dug her
Her skin smealled like burnt rubber, i fuckin' love her
Took her corpse home, sat it on the couch
Jacob said "Now put her foot in ur mouth"
So i did and her toes smelled like fish chunks
That's been sittin out in the sun for a couple a months
I didn't care though because Jacob told me to
"It's one more little thing that i want you to do" (What's that?)
"Lay down in the street and trip a semi with ya neck"
Trip a semi-tru...bet!!
there i was, i'm movin off, just waitin
Ready to get rolled on like a Dayton
Here it comes, i stuck my fuckin' head out
Like this Jacob! "Yea, Pow!!"
Boom, i'm in critical, i got minutes left
And i'm fighting with death
Why did the doctor tell me to listen to him?
I'm laid up about to die, screw him
pick up the phone, Brrb! "Hello?'
Hi, i't me J, that one fat goofy weirdo
Yea listen, i'm about to die, why'd you tell me to follow hiw word?
"Cuz he's a DarkMega and ur a nerd"
Well i hear you on that much, ok..but
What kinda fuckin' doctor are you anyway?
I mean ur tellin' me i'm nothin' but a scrub
"I thought you knew homie, this is doctor Jacob!"


Ohh, i get it everybody have a laugh
I'm nothin' but a Homogetic mentalpath
I died right then and there i was never cured
i lived a shitty life all thanks to Jacob's word
That mother..."What?!" i didn't say nothin' "Bullshit!"
I didn't say anything
"How you gonna tell me? i'm in ur head bitch"
I was gonna compliment you! "But i hear everything"
Well get outta my fucking head
"Fuck! you hear what i just said!"
Get outta my...fuckin'...head..aight?
My...fuckin'....head... "That's right, my head too, my head too!"
You don't got ur own fuckin' head?!
I'm not...running around ur fuckin' brain!
"Cuz i aint got one bitch!" Fuck you! "Wa-Oh-Eat ur leg!"
I'm sorry..."Eat ur leg!" I'm sorry, not my leg
"Eat it bicth!" Leave my leg alone "Eat it!"




* {everything in "" is Shaggy}

JACOBS WORD!!! OH YEAH! It took me like....hours to find that. yup. hours. i'm proud of myself. very very very proud......M GIN O TE GTEIG!!!!!!! boo ya shockalockashockalocka.....i rule, you don't...oh yeah....
 
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back again   
06:03pm 27/12/2003
  how long has it been? can't remember.....Nanshi broke up with me. on Aug. 10th. at about...12:36pm i believe. I'm going out with someone i'll call Alex for now. He's been blowing my off for about....2-3 weeks? i don't care right now. so how's everybody doing? i'm good, i'm good.....omit the fact that my brother Zero died on December 10. and his son and boyfriend are moving back to Japan. and everybody is treating me like shit again. i deserve it though, right? right. wish i had more to say.....



((If u let it bother u when its not FOR u, then u really can't understand))--Keiro
 
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Broken   
05:40pm 19/07/2003
  I'm a broken doll. I've fallen and shattered. Will someone please fix me?

(((Day 1:
(during school)
Ryco’s grade: C-
Flirted w/Foxy—ignored me when something was wrong but he didn’t know I was botherd.

Day 2:
(during school)
Ryco’s grade: C+
Waz a litte mean, but not 2 bad

Day 3:
(during school)
Ryco’s grade: A
Nicer and polite

Day 4:
(during school)
Ryco’s grade: D+
Was rude and sacarstic

Day 5:
(during school)
Ryco’s grade: B-
Waz a little mean, but barely noticable

Day 6:
(during school)
Ryco’s grade: F
Put “us” on time/out. No reason given

Day 7:
(during school -turtle’s choice/opinion)
Ryco’s grade: C
Annoyed me once but I hate him right now so ha.

Day 8:
(during school)
Ryco’s grade: C-
Was a little mean, and a little rude, but still nice on the bus

Day 9:
(during school)
Ryco’s grade: D-
Crued, and an asshole, but still a little nice.

Day 10:
(after school)
Ryco’s grade: B+
Gave me reason for breaking up—my choice. Said he was leaving 4 three years: chances of staying unknown.


Day 11:
(during school)
Ryco’s grade: B-
Wasn’t to mean. Very… “soft”, I guess. Was a little depressed, but not to bad. We’ll see on Monday.


Day 12:
(during school)
Ryco’s grade: A+
Was very nice 2day. Not to rude.
(after school)
Ryco’s grade: F
Keeps saying Foxy wont go out w/him when Foxy and Turtle were talking and she said she’d think about it. [shattered my heart and put me in a depression state to much
for me to handle.]


Day 13:
(school:over)
Ryco’s grade: A-
Was very polite and sweet, if not a little rude. Staying the night at Tutrtle’s.

Day 14:
(school:over)
Ryco’s grade: A+
Was very good—didn’t anger or upset me and tried coming with me when Turtle and me were fighting but I didn’t let him.

Day 15:
(school:over)
Ryco’s grade: no more.
Today, on July 10th, 2003, Josh broke up with me. No reason given to me. Orginally, on June 26th, 2003 we got back together. Josh, or Ryco, has an over all grade of roughly an A-, boarder lining on a B+.. Josh plainly states what he’s feeling and doesn’t really hide it—when he’s mad, he’s mad, depressed, depressed, happy, happy, ect. Ect…..If he doesn’t like you, you’ll know. Josh is a great guy and would do anything to make sure that the ones he loves are always safe and happy. When he cares, he goes all the way with it, not half way. To bad I’m not a person he loves, huh?






(This log is here by closed until further notice or future change in my life….. so long world, and you’ve won yet again. But I wont bow down to you quiet yet.)



Day 16:
(school over)
Ryco’s grade: C
Ok this is getting annoying. My last entrée is hearby in valied. Ryco didn’t really break up with me after all. At least I think that’s how our conversation went. I’m still not to sure of that yet. I’ll have to get back to him on that. But on Sunday, July 13th. 2003 my seraget grandpa bob died. It’s Saturday now. Tomorrow it’ll be one week since Grandpa Bob died. I’m not really taking it well, but I’m taking it better then I thought I would. Ryco isn’t really helping me very much. I really need him right now, but he’s not here…then again, I never really had him to begin with. That’s how life is, I guess. We’ll c how everything goes now, right? If Ryco want’s me, then he better start showing it, if he doesn’t then he aint gonna be playin’ me no more.



[Break me, take me, shake me. I don't really care anymore. After all, I'm just a doll.] ---me
 
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