Amanda's Blurty Entries [entries|friends|calendar]
Amanda

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No. [26 Jan 2007|12:39pm]
[ mood | distressed ]
[ music | Blink 182 - I'm Lost Without You ]

I can't do it anymore, I just can't. Everything is so back and forth, happiness is fleeting, nothing is ever the way it's supposed to be. I keep wondering what it is that I've done to warrant such a depressing existence. I thought I was stronger than this, I used to be.. I think. Everyone, everything - it's all just breaking me down and I no longer possess the strength needed to overcome the obstacles put before me. I can't stay here, I can't.. stay with him. I need to, and I need him, and I need a way out of it all. I need alcohol, drugs, razorblades - something. I am so distraught and angry anymore. All I am capable of doing is crying, and wishing my life wasn't so messed up. That I wasn't so messed up. Far beyond repair, as if anyone cared enough to fix me anyway. I never remember feeling this empty, ever. Never have I honestly wished to come upon a sudden case of amnesia so that I'd be able to start fresh, new. Change my identity, run away, find a new place, a new home. Hell, a home at all. This place is eating me alive, getting underneath my skin and ripping me apart from the outside in. I feel as though I may implode at any given minute. I wish I would, that I would just spontaneously combust. Why can't Marty McFly exist? Why can't time travel be real? Why can't I go back and fix every single mistake that has led me here? It isn't fair. I can't do it anymore, I need away. I have no where to go. I have nobody. People pretend to care, claim they worry about my safety. Well, what about my emotional and mental stability? I may not be dead, but I'm sure as fuck NOT okay. I don't even care what happens to me anymore. I just want it all to fucking end. I need prozac, and weed, and lots of fucking coke. I'm so fed up with life. I hate my home, the one I love.. is just.. ugh, I don't even know. People say they care, but they don't. They fucking don't. If you cared, you'd watnt to help. You wouldn't be so fucking wrapped up in your own petty day to day bullshit to see that I am DONE. I have been worn down to a shell of who I used to be, so take what you want from me, because I have NOTHING more to fucking give you.

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Overdue. [10 Jan 2007|10:10pm]
[ mood | hopeful ]
[ music | Skillet - Whispers In The Dark. ]

I know, I know. It's been forever since I've updated, but I've been busy - and everytime I tried updating, all of my thoughts became jumbled and I couldn't make sense of anything. So.. here goes.

Jeremy and I have been talking, a lot, about a lot of things. We spent his 2week vacation together, talking things out, figuring out plans, etc. Recently we had a bit of a set back, which I won't be going into detail about, but it seems as though we're back on the right path. I realized a lot over the last few days, one main thing being just how incredibly in love with him, I am. I've always had this tiny wall up, keeping him from completely taking over my mind and heart. And.. a few days ago, I demolished that wall, letting him in totally. The feeling is ..well, overwhelming, to say the least, and definitely a bit scary - but I know he isn't lying when he says that he loves me. And though we aren't technically together, we both want to pursue a future with one another, and I know I plan to work my ass off in order to make that possible. We do need to wait, however, and work on getting to know eachother all over again, as well as interacting in person - so we're planning on meeting before he goes to his permanent posting in Kansas, probably. If not.. he's hoping to come see me before he deploys for Iraq. =/

Another new thing, is that I will be (most likely) moving back to Texas in a month or less. No, not with Jenn, but with Jessica. Jessica is one of Jeremy's ex girlfriends, and one of my best friends for about a year now. She and I had a rough patch when Jeremy and I got together, but we worked on the friendship and she's one of the people who I trust most in this world. She's also a great person, and extremely generous. She offered me a way out of this rut I am in now, living at home, doing nothing with my life, while working a job which gives me fourteen hours a week, if I'm lucky. I can't live off that, nobody can. And if I ever plan on getting out of my parents' house, or getting into college, or having the money to support myself.. I need to get out of here.

So, like I said, Jess offered me somerwhere to go. Her boyfriend, Gary, and best friend, Jordana, (she's a lesbian) just moved in together and Jess talked to them about my situation, and it looks like they're completely okay with me living there with them. I know.. it seems a bit awkward considering I've never met Gary or Jordana and have rarely even talked to either over the phone, but I keep getting told not to worry about that kind of thing. That we'll work out all of the details and what-not when I'm down there, and that we're all going to get along. I really hope everyone's right about that. =/ Jordana has already talked about getting me a job at one of the old Restaurants she's worked at, helping me learn to drive, getting a license, a credit card to build up my credit with, and me going to school with her next semester. I've honestly never met more giving people. I'm.. excited, just wish I could get over my paranoia and fear.

Which brings me to my next topic. I'm incredibly worried about Jeremy. This sounds.. odd, but I've been really naive with men in the past, and I can't be that way anymore for the sake of my own sanity.. so I'm starting to worry about whether or not Jeremy has alterior motives. I know.. it's just.. what if he feels he needs to get me back for the things I've done to him? Things I've lied about, other men I've been with, things I've thrown in his face. What if he's pretending to love me and want a future with me, just so he can destroy me the way I've seemingly destroyed him? Ugh. I hate being paranoid about this situation, but I feel like I -have- to keep my guard up. I've been screwed over so many times in the past and I cannot go through that again.. not with him. I've already told him that he owns me completely. He -is- my heart. My entire life. I've denied that in the past but there's no denying it any longer. I live for that man, he makes me want to be a better person. Inspires me to doso much. Even if he screws me over in the worst way, I'm always going to love him with every fiber of my being. =/ Guess there's no sense in worrying, then. Because when it comes down to it, it really doesn't matter what he does.

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My Looooove. [24 Dec 2006|11:48pm]
[ mood | bouncy ]
[ music | Justin Timberlake - My Love. ]

"I wanna grow old with you.."

I love him. <3. And I love Christmas. Work sucked today, but it's over with and I'm happy. I'm home spending time with my family and talking to the one I love. He told me he was being an idiot and he needed me in his life. I am so on cloud 9. =P

And, this CD fucking rocks. That is all. ;o

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Cigarettes are my anti-drug. [24 Dec 2006|01:00am]
[ music | Tim McGraw - My Best Friend. ]

Things have been getting better, I think. Jeremy and I are doing really well, considering, and we've had an amazing last three nights. I was even able to watch him fall asleep on cam today. Seeing him.. wow. The emotions it sparked in me are completely indescribable. He was showing me the army issued glasses he was forced to wear (they call them BCG's, or birth control glasses) and my god, I laughed for a really long time upon seeing them. But after the initial reaction to them, I was able to focus in on his facial features, his body.. god, I missed him. Honestly, I wanted to jump through the computer and fuck his brains out as soon as I stopped paying attention to those hideous glasses. Mm. ..Anyway. Our moods have both improved a lot, he's making more of an effort to get over what I've done, and things between as aren't nearly as tense. I'm happy a lot more, and he's.. well, he's telling me he loves me and giving me kisses through the phone. And it makes me all warm inside because I honestly lost my reason for living a long time ago.

Work isn't too bad, though last night I really wanted to shoot someone in the face. I hate the upfront manager, Stacey, so much that it makes me hate all black people with an extreme passion. She's rude, annoying, and she's constantly looking for something that I'm doing wrong, just so that she can point it out. I swear to god, if she'd been working on such a hectic and chaotic day like yesterday.. I would have fucking punched somebody. I had the day off today, though, and I have Christmas (obviously) off, so I only work Christmas Eve, Tuesday, Wednesday, and then I have Thursday & next Saturday off too. =D So I only work four days next week, but I'll be glad for the semi-break. The Christmas season has people very uptight and I'm getting pretty close to losing it.

I went out with Cassie, Chris, Amanda, and Nikki last night and had a KICK ASS time. We went to Billards to shoot Pool and Chris was in such a great mood that he told the waitress he wanted a $100.00 tab, and all the drinks were on him. I had three Captain&Cokes before Amanda and Chris knocked over a table trying to take a picture, spilling/breaking everything on it, and we sort of settled down afterward. Left a bit later, got majorly fucking stoned in the parking lot, and then went to Taco Bell. Chris was making fun of the Taco Bell worker who took our order, and she got pissed off yelling at us to talk "one at a time". I'm pretty sure she spit in our food. XD. We debated for ten minutes about whether she was the one in the back, or the front, trying to figure out whether or not she would have had the chance. Typical stoners, eh? I felt like I was having a heart attack while eating, too, and it scared the living shit out of me for about four seconds, before I devoured my food. It ..I think it was good, but I honestly do not remember. It was like I was drunk, because I don't remember shit about last night. I keep getting little pieces of flashback at random times. I told Jeremy I was drunk of course, refusing to go down that road with him. I lied, oh well.

Went to Walmart with the father, got the new Justin Timberlake CD (WEE!), grabbed some McDonalds, sat outside the Video Store while he grabbed Scarface, went back to his house and played some Poker, then came home and played Lineage II. God, I love that fucking game. My mother used to play it back when Jeremy and I did together. We got her into it after a while and she became addicted but sort of quit after I got bored with it. Well, now she's into it again and of course I had to make an account. >.> It's just really not the same playing without him. God, I'm starting to hate the Army for taking my baby away.

Anyway. Getting annoyed, so I'm going to sit here and smoke a cigarette while filling out a survey or something equally as entertaining to keep me from going suicidal from boredom/frustration/confusion/234234 other emotions.

Merry Christmas Eve.

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[20 Dec 2006|02:00am]
[ mood | cold ]
[ music | Manson. ]

I've never had such a horrible conversation in all of my life. He wasn't even a jerk, he generally just wanted to know why. "Why, my best friend? Why did you ruin everything? Why did my leaving to join the army and ensure a better life for us, mean so little to you?" Hah. It went extremely downhill from there. He must've spent almost an hour just talking, venting everything he felt about the situation without really being an asshole. He asked me if I had anything to say at the end, and I said no. He said good, I asked why it was good, he said it meant that I agreed, and I said yes - I did. Because I do. I'm extremely ashamed of what I've done and listening to him as he spoke those words tonight really showed me how badly I've ripped him apart. I hope to god he doesn't take that gun to his head the way he wants to. He says I ruined him, and from the conversation and the tone he had - I knew he wasn't exaggerating.

P.s - Crystal's spending the night and I think she's freaked out by the whole situation. Jess is calling, I need to vent and cry.

Later.

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I am whatever you say I am. [17 Dec 2006|09:06pm]
[ mood | pissed off ]
[ music | Eminem. ]

I decided after a fucked up conversation that I am done. Done walking around on eggshells for him, done with him not forgiving me and getting his cock sucked while "wanting a future" with me. Done waiting around at home for him to call me. Done avoiding alcohol and my friends in order to prove to him that I am going to be loyal and have no interest in anyone else. Done. Plain and fucking simple. Done. Period. I told him I wasn't calling him anymore, and that if he wanted to talk - he could call me. He says he doesn't owe me anything, so I'm stuck wondering where we stand. No. I erased all of his text messages, his number from my contact list, and recent call list, and I'm going to stick to what I said. I don't care what I did, I don't deserve this, and I know that. I love him, and I want to be with him, but I'm not a fucking doormat and I refuse to give in. If he wants to talk, he'll call. If he doesn't call, I'll deal. People make mistakes, and people should give second chances. I have. Many, many times. This isn't worth it anymore. If he calls, fine. We'll talk. If he doesn't, I'll take the hint.

Yeah, done.

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Bitter now 'cause the love's still in me.. [17 Dec 2006|01:44pm]
[ mood | hungry ]
[ music | JKwon - You and Me. ]

Diamond Rio - You're Gone.
I said hello I think I'm broken
And though I was only jokin'
It took me by surprise when you agreed
I was tryin' to be clever
For the life of me I never
Would have guessed how far the simple truth would lead
You knew all my lines
You knew all my tricks
You knew how to heal that pain
No medicine can fix

And I bless the day I met you
And I thank God that He let you
Lay beside me for a moment that lives on
And the good news is I'm better
For the time we spent together
And the bad news is you're gone

Lookin' back it's still surprisin'
I was sinking you were rising
With a look you caught me in mid-air
Now I know God has His reasons
But sometimes it's hard to see them
When I lie awake and find that you're not there
You found hope in hopeless
You made crazy sane
You became the missing link
That helped me break my chains

And I bless the day I met you
And I thank God that He let you
Lay beside me for a moment that lives on
And the good news is I'm better
For the time we spent together
And the bad news is you're gone
The bad news is you're gone

&&
Little Texas - What Might Have Been.
Sure I think about you now and then
But it's been a long long time
I've got a good life now I've moved on
So when you cross my mind

I try not to think about
What might have been
'Cause that was then
And we have taken different roads
We can't go back again
There's no use giving in
And there's no way to know
What might have been

We could sit and talk about this all night long
And wonder why we didn't last
Yes they might be the best days
We will ever know
But we'll have to leave them in the past

So try not to think about
What might have been
'Cause that was then
And we have taken different roads
We can't go back again
There's no use giving in
And there's no way to know
What might have been

That same old look in your eyes
It's a beautiful night
I'm so tempted to stay
But too much time has gone by
We should just say goodbye
And turn and walk away

And try not to think about
What might have been
'Cause that was then
And we have taken different roads
We can't go back again
There's no use giving in
And there's no way to know
What might have been

No we'll never know
What might have been

These songs remind me of my current mindset. And I haven't listened to them in such long, long time. I'm at my dad's right now, and he's got all the good music on his computer. Man, what a nostalgic cloud I'm floating on right now. Not really sure if that's a good thing, considering the content of the lyrics. I'm sure I'll figure it out though. =P







Yesterday was pretty fun. I got to spend my day off out of the house and away from the stress. My mom, Grandmother, and myself went to Big Boy and ate Dinner, then over to Kmart (yay for spending all of my off time at work anyway. xD) where I got my mother a gift card to Old Country Buffet for her and Darrin's Christmas present, as well as a pair of Christmas socks and sets of pens with Crystal, Jeremy, and Jessica's names on them for their stocking stuffers. It was a fun time, I saw Josh who lives across the street from me and recently got a job there, and he showed me this gorgeous silver diamond ring he bought for his girlfriend's Christmas present. Damn, I'm jealous. =P

Then we headed over to Family Dollar and said goodbye to my Grandmother, and I got a few more containers for putting candy in for the stockings, gift boxes, gift bags, more candy for the stockings, another pair of cute socks for me, annnnnd.. I think that's it. I went home, started putting the stuff together, wrapping some of the small gifts, and then put it all away to get ready for my dad to pick us up. I was supposed to go to the mall to exchange Jeremy's gifts, but we spent too much time at Big Boy, so that didn't work out.

I'm hoping today to go do something with my sister. Crystal and I were supposed to hang out and go get our hair cut but supposedly her mom was complaining since she hasn't been going to church, which I'm still not sure how that relates to hanging out with me, but whatever - she said not to worry about it, so I told her to just forget it and I'd hang out with my sister. She said she was sorry and that she felt bad but I'm still pissed off. Not sure if it's directed toward her or the situation but it seems as if everytime she and I try to get together, something has to fuck it up. Usually it's plans with her boyfriend, which isn't exactly out of the ordinary for Crystal. Always been like that when she's dating a guy. -Shrug.-

I'm at my Dad's, like I said, and we're sitting around waiting for his lazy ass to get up. Apparently he stayed up 'til 7:30am playing video games when I passed out at 4:30am, lol. I was -tired.- But yeah. My little brother's getting ready to get punched in the head if he asks me one more time to play Poker with him and Tiffany, so I'm going to make a playlist for us to listen to and then go do that. <3. Later.

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Woo. [16 Dec 2006|12:36am]
Today had it's major ups and downs. For whatever reason, my mood improved a lot during the second portion of the day. The first, however, sucked ass. I woke up VERY cranky, due to my extreme exhaustion which made, and still doesn't make an ounce of sense to me, considering I had about eight hours of sleep. Then I got to work, dreading the eight hour shift in front of me, and was completely shocked to find out how incredibly busy we were. I mean, BUSY. The people did not fucking stop coming until I got back from Lunch, which I didn't get until three hours before my shift was over. Normally I get breathers in between customers, but that was not the case today. It wasn't even that bad on the day after Thanksgiving, not when I was there anyway.

Like I said though, after Lunch my entire mood changed drastically. I'd wanted to kill every fucking customer I had during the morning hours, but after Lunch was over, I was fine. It was around five and we were pretty slow. They also took me off of Register One and moved me to Seven, so there was a huge change, as well. Even when we're slow, the first register usually has at least one person in line. Everyone's too fucking lazy to walk down to the vacant registers at the end of the line. Seven, for example. Finally I got desperate and asked to help take merchandise back, and did so for a while until Jeff *my extremely sexy, but I think gay manager* told me to go on my last break, which I took about fourty five minutes before I was supposed to go home. After that, the time flew by. I made runs back and forth taking merchandise back, then bagged up and clocked out. Even ended up being twenty-five minutes late since I had to wait for an override *you have to get a manager's approval code if you're clocking out over seven minutes late*.

Then I stood in line, got my check *was rather pleased with the results, considering I missed two days last pay period* and then left. Mom took me to to the bank to cash it, then to the Video store - where I got John Tucker Must Die, Material Girls, The Devil Wears Prada, Fast and the Furious Tokyo Drift *For my little brother, since I was apparently in such an amazing mood* and The World Trade Center, which I'm really looking forward to watching. I've already seen John Tucker Must Die, but I wanted my parents to see it - the movie had me laughing the throughout the whole thing. Then my Mom went to 7-11 where I paid her back for the cigarettes I owed her, bought everyone some Pop and Snacks, and got myself some smokes. Came home, watched Devil Wears Prada *not great, but a good movie all in all* and John Tucker Must Die before the 'rents went to sleep and I jumped online to type this out before collapsing into bed. =P

Oh, yeah. I even volunteered to take a girl's shift at work. She can't work her shift from 5-10pm on Thursday, so since I work from 11am-5pm, I told her I'd just work from 11am-10pm for her. Yeah. Eleven frickin' hours. But'cha know what? I get long breaks, an hour lunch, and I make like major money working overtime. So yay. And I was rather proud of myself for taking the initiative to do that.. though I really need to see what time I work on Friday because I am not working ALL day 'til 10pm and then waking up early as fuck to work again Friday. Maybe I'll see if she'll work my shift Friday and I'll just switch with her? I dunno, we'll see.

I didn't talk to Jeremy much today, which I think is good. The entire situation with him confuses the fuck out of me and lately it's just not a topic I feel like thinking about. We don't fight a whole lot, it's just mentally tiring to think about. We text back and forth every once in a while, and we usually talk once a night. Not tonight though, 'cause by the time I got home, ate, and popped in some movies, he'd texted to let me know he was tired and was calling it a night. Said he had a dream about me which was apparently good, and bad. Not sure what that means, though I'll probably forget to ask him about it tomorrow. =/

I haven't gotten much sleep all week, and apparently even eight hours isn't enough to catch me up, so I'm going to go to bed and sleep ALL fucking day tomorrow. =D I plan on getting at least twelve, if not more. Sunday Crystal and I are probably going to hang out. I wanna get my nails and hair done, though I might just settle for dying my hair for cheap, and getting my nails done. Need to get a few more things for stockings for Christmas, as well as packages and whatnot to send Jessica 'n Jeremy's gifts in, and I should be set.

Gah.. tired..

Night.
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I did this last night and forgot. [14 Dec 2006|01:02am]
[ mood | annoyed ]
[ music | Yeah. ]

Two Names You Go By:
1. Amanda-Lynn.
2. Manda.

Story behind your names:
1. It's my first and middle name put together. Jeremy calls me that when he's being sweet.
2. The nickname my friends call me.

Two Things You Are Wearing Right Now:
1. Black Work Shirt.
2. My Cladduah ring.

Two Things You Would Want in a Relationship:
1. Intensity.
2. Affection.

Two of Your Favorite Hobbies:
1. Smoking.
2. Chatting/Texting on the phone.

Two things You Want Really Badly At The Moment:
1. Pop&a Cigarette.
2. Phone call from Jeremy, even though he's sleeping. =/

Two pets you have:
1. Shasta, my yellow lab.
2. Snickers, my tiny little rat terrier/bull dog mut.

Two people who will fill this out:
1. Nobody I know reads this.
2. Except one person, who probably won't.

Two things you did last night:
1. Read.
2. Smoked a lot.

Two things you ate today:
1. Chilli Dogs.
2. Caramel hershey bars.

Two Things You're doing tomorrow?
1. Dreading work.
2. Going to work.

Two Favorite Holidays:
1. Christmas.
2. Thanksgiving.

Last Two movies watched:
1. The Breakup.
2. The Butterfly Effect 2.

Two favorite non-Alcoholic beverages:
1. Pepsi.
2. Fruit Punch.

Two Things You Can't Live Without:
1. Music.
2. My cell phone.

Two things you did on your last birthday:
1. Got really, really trashed.
2. Spent $140.00 on alcohol.

Two favorite foods:
1. Chinese.
2. Salad.

Two Sports Teams:
1. Broncos.
2. Red Wings.

Two TV Shows:
1. Buffy.
2. Degrassi.

Two Best Friends:
1. Jeremy.
2. Crystal.




That is all.

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18 and life to go.. [14 Dec 2006|12:54am]
[ mood | bitchy ]
[ music | Skid Row. ]

I told a new friend a secret that few people know, or realize that they know. I'm glad. I feel like a weight was lifted. Or something.

I work all week, and then I come home and sit around, reading, being lazy, and chatting. Sorry for the lack of update. I have ADD lately.

I have Saturday and Sunday off. I need to make plans with friends. They never want to hang out. It pisses me off. They're always having something better to do. It's incredibly frustrating. I spend my weekends alone and bored. I might go to my Dad's on Saturday night and shopping with Crystal on Sunday but Im sure something'll cause those plans to fall through as well.

Jeremy and I semi-argued tonight. It doesn't get to me the way it did before. I learn to tune out his idiocy or simply tell him wonderful things about how much I love him, until he shuts the fuck up. This time, I just tuned it out.

I'm in the weirdest mood right now and I know I always say that but it's true. I almost want to consider suicide, but I don't see the point. I don't see the point in anything, really. I hate my life as it is. I'm tired of feeling lonely. I wish I didn't feel so trapped. My job sucks and I miss school. Only because there was social interaction there, though. I'll be in debt forever. I want to go to college and move out of this shithole. I want Dan to come visit me and Jeremy and I to be best friends again.

At least I still have my dogs, and my cigarettes.

I fucking don't want to go to work tomorrow. But I need the money. I hate being a fucking adult.

I miss having someone there. I'm desperate. And not making sense. This is shit. All of it.

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Update on the Jeremy situation. [11 Dec 2006|12:59am]
[ mood | worried ]
[ music | Prince - Purple Rain. ]

I think.. it got better, ..or worse. Uhm, it's confusing. For he and I, better. For himself in general, not so much. He text messaged me telling me that he was going to go awol, and I sort of freaked out. Sent him tons of text messages half lecturing him. The "career" that he was involved in, prior to he and I being together.. was not legit. Not legal, not safe, not in anyway something I could ever.. accept isn't the right word - uhm.. not something I'd ever want him doing again. And he mentioned that, how he was making more money then, had more freedom.. etc. It broke my heart to even imagine him back in that lifestyle. I'd be fearing for his life every single day, and yeah - he may be going to Iraq.. but it's extremely different.
Anyhow, he kept saying that he was stuck, and I kept responding with encouraging words, about how he definitely was not. The one message I remember saying, was "No, you're not stuck. You accept your punishment for being caught, and you move passed this." His response was "The girl I want isn't in my arms right now. I am stuck." I almost cried while reading that - and I'm actually doing so as we speak. I kept telling him things like, "She can be soon enough if you don't do anything crazy or irrational. I'm not going anywhere.. if you don't believe anything else based on recent events, please believe that. I love you, Jeremy. I know that you and I have something good, and I know that we can work it out. I refuse to walk away from this. Not again." He finally said something along the lines of "You sure know how to sweet-talk a girl." where I replied, stating that I wasn't trying to sweet-talk him, simply stating truths that he needed to hear. He kept telling me that he was trying, and I kept telling him that I knew he was.
God, I can hear the pain evident in his voice everytime he and I speak. Especially when the conversation hits a bump and bad memories come up. His tone changes to a very cold, betrayed, and painful low. A lot of the time, he'll stop talking all together and then when I mention him being so quiet, he'll clear his throat very quickly and I can -hear- the tears. It devastates me, but I know that it's going to take a lot for him to be able to get over this. I am definitely willing to wait patiently, because moving on and trying to be with someone else apparently isn't going to work. I couldn't develop feelings for the other Jeremy, and that was train-wreck enough for me to keep from wanting to jump right into another dating experience with someone new. I think I've hurt enough people as it is. Heh.
I have to say that I am extremely proud of him for his behaviour tonight. I know that everytime we talk, he's either very disgusted, or very upset. Reminded of the things I did, the things his friends did, all the different ways he was betrayed while locked away on a Military base, working his ass off every single day. And with everything that went on tonight.. he was civil. Sweet, even. I'm telling him how desperately I don't want him reverting back to the old lifestyle, and he says simply, "I love you, Amanda-Lynn." knowing that at the time, that was exactly what I needed to hear. Unspoken reassurance that he was going to try to stay sane and work out his issues. I know we've had incredible ups and downs, but I don't think I could pick a better man to be in love with. Let's just hope that it all works out in the end, and pray that he doesn't lose his vacation time. I know he'll go awol if that happens.

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I can hear footsteps.. I'm dreaming.. [10 Dec 2006|07:55pm]
[ mood | anxious ]
[ music | Tim McGraw - Angry All The Time. ]

I'm in such a GRR let's cuss and scream profanities type of mood, lol. But I'm not in a bad mood, it's the strangest thing. I'm having a good time, though. Listening to Eminem and doing gangster poses. -Laughs.- Damn, I'm cool.

So yeah. New journal. Ugly bitches can't stay away from my old one, yeah - it is quite sad. I know, my life is so fucking exciting that people just can't stop reading. =P It's cool, though. I'm sure I'll continue posting in the old one (breaking_even) every once in a while. Quotes, poems, lyrics, random things, blurtysecret stuff, things like that. Blah blah, anyway.

Spent last night at my Dad's house, and I have to admit *rather reluctantly* that I had a damned good time. We stayed up 'til five in the morning playing Poker, watching T.v, and listening to 80's music. Before we got into all of that though, my Dad spent two hours just talking to us about the things that've been going on in his life, why he's been neglecting us, and how important we are to him. I had to keep myself from crying a few times, but I never broke. He explained all about his world seemingly falling apart when his company found out about his affair with one of the married women in the plant, and then fired her, when his entire group of friends turned on him because of some bitch who hung out at the same bar as him, how he's been drinking/smoking/fucking random girls a lot, and how he really does want to fix his shit. He said he doesn't know when he's going to stop smoking, and that he doesn't plan on making any promises to anyone about any of his bad habits, but that he has indeed quit drinking, and he plans on spending time with us at least three weekends out of the month *normally he gets three out of four sundays off*. I have to say that as much as I don't want to have my heart set on him being a Dad for us again, I can't really help but get my hopes up. He even said that there's this voice inside of his head that keeps telling him that he needs to quit his bad habits, give himself to God, and then he'll be set on the right path. Not sure he plans on following through with that, but he did tell my sister that he was going to go to Church with her next Sunday. ..I think I might even go with them. God knows I could use some guidance. Just not sure whether or not I can deal with that right now. I suppose we'll see.

I called off work today because I was having too much fun hanging out with my Dad. I called in and made up a story about my Stepfather having food posioning and having to babysit while my mother stays with him at the Hospital. I couldn't really tell whether Elaine (the store manager) was upset or not.. it's hard to read her, especially over the phone. I just absolutely HATE the 5-11pm shift on Sundays. We're only open 'til 10pm, which means as a Cashier, I get to stock and straighten shelves for an hour. It aggravates the hell out of me because it is incredibly boring, and it's not my damned job. If they would've tried hiring me as an 01, which are the people who do that, push carts, help people to their car, etc, I would've told them no thanks on the spot. It's not worth it. Plus, Sunday nights are SO slow that it's sad. I sit there reading Cosmo and chatting with my coworkers more than I actually ring up customers. The only thing is that I left last Sunday early, and a few weeks ago I just up and left work before my shift started. They say that there's a six point system where you have to gain six points (absences equal one, and tardies equal a half of one) before you can be terminated, but I think if they really wanted me gone, they'd find a reason to fire me. I like this job though, especially compared to some of the other crappy minimum wage jobs I've had before, so after today I have GOT to stop fucking around and just go to work. I've only worked there for a month and a half, afterall. Lol.

Great. Jeremy H just texted me and told me that his Srg caught him drunk in formation. They're not allowed to drink while in AIT. God.. he can be such a fucking idiot sometimes. I'm waiting for him to text me back and tell me what they did as punishment - I just hope they don't take away all of his freetime or something like that. Not talking to him at all would just suck beyond anything else. Even though he's been rather prickish for the last day or so. -Shrugs.- I'll deal with it. He feels hurt and betrayed, and I don't blame him, so I'm just going to let him vent all of his anger and resentment and hopefully eventually he'll be able to forgive and move on from it. If not, I'll life. It'll suck, but I don't need to be with him in order to continue breathing - life will go on without him, even though it feels like it won't sometimes. =/ Blah.

My dad let me make a mixed CD while we were at his house, and I'm SO loving it. It's got tons of awesome songs on it and I could seriously just play it over and over without ever getting bored. From Candlebox, to Asia, to Motley Crue, to Goo Goo Dolls, to Hinder, to Def Leppard. The perfect CD. <3.

'k. I'm going to end this now, read a bit of Buffy fanfiction, and wait for mr (I totally typed "my" at first, Haha, what a total Freudian slip.) Jeremy to text me back and let me know whether or not he's going to get into major trouble. Fuck, I hope they don't make him stay in Maryland over the Holidays. The poor man NEEDS to get away before he kills someone. =(

That is all. ;o

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