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Madison

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[ Kill me now...xXxDecember 14th at 12:37pm]
Today is my Birthday!......

go me!
Blow

OKAY.... [ Kill me now...xXxDecember 12th at 5:58pm]
Forever seems to stand still like this...
Forever seems to tick away....
Forever seems to be nothing to you....
Forever seems so far away....

Without you here i am lost...
Even broken....
Too much time has passed....
For these words to be unspoken....

I need you here by my side...
I need you here so i dont die.
Blow

[ Kill me now...xXxNovember 12th at 10:12am]
Somethings never change.
I miss him.
He is not mine.
I am not his.
But I miss and want him terribly.

But then the wrong creeps in.
And i have second thoughts about it.
Maybe I shouldnt do it.
Blow

[ Kill me now...xXxSeptember 8th at 11:52am]
I close my eyes
and count to ten
everything is wonderful
again
Blow

[ Kill me now...xXxSeptember 3rd at 9:04am]
For the record...NO...I did not drop off of the face of the earth nor will i ever want to.
so...
FUCK YOU.
Blow

[ Kill me now...xXxAugust 20th at 1:16pm]
???... )
Blow

[ Kill me now...xXxAugust 16th at 4:51am]
Okay.
Starting fresh.
Clean.


Scratch everything about anyone i have ever talked about in this journal. Take away the girl. Take away the jerk. Even take away someone i thought i was falling in love with. Clean and fresh.

*sighs*
I wish this was easy to say.
I like him.
A lot.
More than he knows.
More than i am willing to tell him.
A new guy.
A new outlook on things.
NEW.
FRESH.
CLEAN.
1 ... Blow

[ Kill me now...xXxAugust 15th at 1:03pm]
I stitched up my heart today.
To make it whole again.
But what happens when a piece is rotten?
When you sew it together and it doesn't work the same?
.......................................................................................
So on and on I go...
I find someone new...
And soon the stitches of thread become stitches of love.
But still that one rotten piece puts a void in my heart.
Slowing things down.
And then you realize they don't look at you the way they used to.
It's too late.
There's nothing you can do about it.
Blow

[ Kill me now...xXxAugust 7th at 7:15am]
And when you blow my brains out,
don't let the blood stain the carpet...
It's a rental house.
1 ... Blow

[ Kill me now...xXxAugust 7th at 4:05am]
And tho the phone rings, I know its not you.
It couldn't be. i don't want it to be.
I feel as tho i am about to make the worst mistake of my life.
I don't wanna hurt him.
I honestly dont.
But I need more than what I am getting.
I don't wanna regret it.
I don't even wanna do it.
But in my mind, I think I need it.

And I will slit my wrists a thousand times just to be with you.
Forever and all over again if you want me to.
I will bleed for you a thousand times over again.
I will watch it drip off of my arm onto the pale floor beneath me.
Smear it in with my fingertip.
I will watch you.
I will love you all the days of my life.
And somehow that doesn't seem long enough.
Blow

[ Kill me now...xXxAugust 1st at 1:04pm]
[ mood | drained ]

Why do we fall in love?
Why does it hurt when we do fall in love?
To want one person so badly you would do anything for them...



I look at her pictures all the time.
I am torn between her...and him.
but neither of them knows about the other.
I have wanted her from day one,
the first day i saw her 6 years ago.
I remember it perfectly.
Her beautiful long hair...her georgeous eyes...
the way she smelled...oh i remember it perfectly...
I was new to riding the bus and she sat across from me..
I wanted her so bad.
I absouloutly needed her...
I wanted to feel her touch me.
Even if it was only for a moment..to feel her hand touch mine...
It would be perfect.
We became friends...
and this led to that....best friends..
I thought I could never tell her...
But i did....
We "dated"...only to break up and break my heart...
She was in love with someone else...
But I was selfish and wanted her all to myself...
I loved her and i still do.
I think i always will....
1 ... Blow

[ Kill me now...xXxJuly 29th at 10:27pm]
I am cynical and beautiful
I am all of the above
He lied to me and tricked me
He made me fall in love
Now what am i to do
with this broken heart
you tortured me and broke me
and now you have no part
it all faded away
and now i have no clue
what to say or think
especially what to do
i thought i loved him
He said he loved me back
now i am wasted and jaded
he threw my life off track
sometimes i still think about
what could have been
or how my life has changed
but mostly i think of him
Blow

[ Kill me now...xXxJuly 29th at 6:10pm]
I dont mind you keeping me on pins and needles.....
Don't break, don't break my heart
And i won't break your heart shaped glasses
Blow

[ Kill me now...xXxJuly 21st at 9:49pm]
Temptation: (1)The act of tempting or the condition of being tempted. (2)Something tempting or enticing.


I am trying so fucking hard. I dont know how much longer I can last. The feeling washes over me all of the time now. all of the fucking time. Tempting me to pick up the blade. Tempting me to make a mark. Temptation...It just gets stronger and stronger every day. Every fucking day. I don't know how much longer I am going to be able to hold out.
Blow

[ Kill me now...xXxJuly 18th at 6:42pm]
Put the gun to my head and pull the trigger...
you know you want to.
Blow

[ Kill me now...xXxJuly 17th at 11:56am]
[ mood | anxious ]

The urge to cut is getting stronger and stronger. I dont want to break my 2 years of being clean but...I just want to make one small cut just one...But I know if I do I won't stop...I know I wont stop. I need help. I need someone to talk to.

4 ... Blow

[ Kill me now...xXxJuly 17th at 10:49am]
[ mood | contemplative ]

What does it mean to feel loved?
To feel the love of another person?
I would tell you but you'd never believe me.
Here goes anyway....
To be loved, is to have someone care about you like no one else does.
To be able to make mistakes and be forgiven for them.
To be able to smile knowing you will always get a smile back.
To be able to act silly and the other person join in on the fun.
To be able to be yourself no matter what.

To feel loved, is to float on clouds.
The way he gives you butterflies, the kind that stick around.
The way he kisses you randomly.
The way he makes you dinner without asking or without notice.
The way he holds your hand and kisses it tenderly.
The way he touches you face gently.
The way he sweeps your hair out of your eyes just to look at you.
The way he cares about your feelings.
The way he is always there to be your sholder to cry on.
The way he cuddles up with you.
The way he holds you in front of his friends.
The way he holds you in his arms while you are falling asleep.
No matter what.

Blow

[ Kill me now...xXxJuly 17th at 1:40am]
He makes me happy. He really does. I give him my heart and soul whether he wants it or not.
Blow

[ Kill me now...xXxJuly 13th at 1:04pm]
[ mood | excited ]

He gives me the butterflies in my stomach that i always want to feel...


Maybe by Kelly Clarkson


I'm strong
But I break
I'm stubborn
And I make plenty of mistakes
Yeah I'm hard
And life with me is never easy
To figure out, to love
I'm jaded but oh so lovely
All you have to do is hold me
And you'll know and you'll see just how sweet it can be
If you'll trust me, love me, let me
Maybe, maybe

Someday
When we're at the same place
When we're on the same road
When it's okay to hold my hand
Without feeling lost
Without all the excuses
When it's just because you love me, you let me, you need me
Then maybe, maybe
All you have to do is hold me
And you'll know and you'll see just how sweet it can be
If you'll trust me, love me, let me
Maybe, maybe

I'm confusing as hell
I'm north and south
And I'll probably never have it all figured out
But what I know is I wasn't meant to walk this world without you
And I promise I'll try
Yeah I'm gonna try to give you every little part of me
Every single detail you missed with your eyes
Then maybe
Maybe, yeah maybe

One day
We'll meet again and you'll need me, you'll see me completely
Every little bit
Oh yeah maybe you'll love me, you'll love me then

I don't want to be tough
And I don't want to be proud
I don't need to be fixed and I certainly don't need to be found
I'm not lost
I need to be loved
I just need to be loved
I just want to be loved by you and I won't stop 'cause I believe
That maybe, yeah maybe
Maybe, yeah maybe

I should know better than to touch the fire twice
But I'm thinking maybe, yeah maybe you might

Maybe, love maybe


And life with me is never easy To figure out, to love I'm jaded but oh so lovely All you have to do is hold me And you'll know and you'll see just how sweet it can be If you'll trust me, love me, let me Maybe, maybe

Blow

[ Kill me now...xXxJuly 13th at 12:17am]
Smile at me and I will smile back,
Laugh with me and I will laugh with you,
Fuck with me and I will fuck you up....


okay...one milligram of anger out of me and I feel better...


He is like drugs....Like heroine...
Making me want him more and more everytime i talk to him
I have never met him in person, nor have I ever kissed him,
But I can just imagine what it would be like,
Him wanting me and needing me the way i want and need him,
So...intoxicating....feeling him against me,
I know that i could never let him go.
Like a habit that I refuse to give up,
Or a high I dont want to end.
I could stay in his arms forever i am sure.
I am so sure of this I would stake my life upon it five times over again.
I need to have the love he wants to give,
I need to be loved like that.
I want to be loved like that.
I want him to love me like that.
I know he would if he were with me.
I know he would give me all of him,
and I would do the same in return.
I just know it.
Blow

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