Tµë Mï§fît²'s Journal
20 most recent posts

Date:2005-12-06 22:57
Subject:
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The past few days, after i joined myspace, ive been looking at profiles of people i used to know. people i havent seen since i was very young. and what i realised is that i think of them quite often....or atleast more than people probably do on average. i remember many of my classmates. their memories are very important to me and i dont know why. I spoke to claudia for the first time in about 4 or 5 years. it seems like yesterday though, and i think its because to me, today is yesterday. im living in the past, and ive heard it before from dan. he thinks i think about the past too much. i should think about the future. but i dont know whats in the future. i know what went on in the past though, and that comforts me. too bad my past sucks. eventhough i went through so much pain, ao much sadness, i wish i could relive it all over again. especailly meeting dan. tonight while we were on the phone (well...mic), he said he ''fell in love'' with one of his work mates. i know her, played pool with her before. he said that in another life, he probably would have been with her. he was contemplating the thought of sleeping with a girl that offered him sex a few weeks ago aswell. ever since he said that, i feel ever so slightly different towards him. more defensive, closed. i suppose you could say i clammed up. at the same time, i also feel closer. it doesnt make sense, i know. when he was drifting off to sleep, i found myself fighting back tears that eventually came. and im still crying. to be honest, im not sure why. but i keep repeating his words in my head. "in another life, i would have been with her". i wondered what life would have been like if that would have been so. what would i have done? and at that tiem i felt sorry for myself and for him. when i get depressed, i always feel bad for dan. i think...what a sad person this man is with. he could have been with so many other women, so much better than me. smarter, more attractive and definitly more conveniently located women. i feel like i trapped him. he does this thing sometimes....where he reads my mind. after he said the thing about the girl, i said i love you. he said "did you just say that so i could reassure you by saying it back?". that just makes me feel like a nutter he sees right through. and i think....heh. if he was with someone ''normal'' he wouldnt have to deal with those things, eh? reassuring me. patronising me. i was thinking...when people are jealous its because they feel insecure. and ive been insecure since hes said he wanted to sleep with that girl. i cant blame him, i know. but it bothered me so much when he said it. i know it sounds so...romantic and impossible. but ive always been such a romantic. i always wanted to be with someone that adored me. i always wanted this romeo and juliet love story. i am for you and you are for me and no one else can change it type thing. and when he says things like "im in love with so and so" and "it would be nice to fuck someone else" that sort of kills my romantic spell.

i was supposed to get my period about now. maybe thats why i feel emotional. if this is so, and the website i just visited is right, after i give birth i will probably become very very depressed, maybe even suicidal. ah. i see. PMDD. thats what its called. im trying not to think about dan, since whatever it was he said or did will upset me. im growing a bit tired aswell...

i love daniel. i always have. but sometimes i let him hurt me. i dont even know if i was genuinly upset or it was my period. i guess ill have enough time to convince myself of our feelings when he gets here on monday.

Flee





Date:2005-10-21 10:51
Subject:
Security:Public

im in a bit of a mood. i onky write here when im in a mood, dont i? venting venting venting....


ever since last night ive been feeling a bit odd. i go out with michael every week or so. and for a while everyone has been making fun, saying we're secretly going out. i always just laughed at that but last night i felt like literally all we had to start doing was touching eachother and we'd be "going out". ive always felt (though its been stronger lately)that ive needed/wanted a man with me. i significant other, a spouse even. someone you can go out with, someone you can talk to, someone who you know will be there if you need something, someone to have sex with. to go out and be able to just be a normal couple without worrying about what date hes leaving and when he'll come back. i cant even say what im angry at because in my mind i can imagine him getting pissed and counterattacking me saying "no skar thats not fair thats not right" and i, in my head, end up nodding and sayin "yeah dan youre right youre right im sorry". so im afraif to say anything at all. and i dont want to hurt his feelings either. i sit at home and revise and i go to college and i ring people in england up all just to gosee him. i do everything in my power to be with him. and he goes out and gets drunk and....i mean i dont even know. i cant say anything cos im not there with him but i do know he failed his first year of college. i cant put into words why im mad at him but i truthfully dont even want to speak to him tonight.

Flee





Date:2005-09-26 11:49
Subject:
Security:Public

its been a weird 3 days. i had a strange dream that i dont remember and i sat in my room cursing out someone who wasnt there. and then the next day, the sour feeling in my chest went away. i wonder what happened.

i dont have a car and its frustrating. i want to go to certain places and i cant cos my dad has to drive me, and apparently gas is going to go up to $4+ . good thing i only have a year left here. i dont feel scared about it either. its something im meant to do, i suppose. everything must tie in in a way. like a quilt that makes a picture. but will i like the final picture?

not speaking to dan now. ive gotten into arguments before and ive told myself i wont go to him but in the end i do. not this time. im gonna disappear for a few days. im aiming for 3-5. if it takes longer, then so be it. im not as bothered as i thought id be. i miss him but ive realised that me and this little mind of mine are on our own. no one will look after me if i dont, so i will. i will not be defeated by myself. i dont deserve it.

the fight started because i kept "bitching" because i was depressed. i felt bad for myself. then i felt bad for him. but why should i? thankfully he doesnt have the things i have in my life. so whats he suffering about? i apologized and hes still stuck on it so i dont care anymore. im going to live my life.

I know I've been mistaken
But just give me a break and see the changes that I've made
I've got some imperfections
But how can you collect them all and throw them in my face

But you always find a way to keep me right here waiting
You always find the words to say to keep me right here waiting
And if you chose to walk away I'd still be right here waiting
Searching for the things to say to keep you right here waiting

thats a pretty song isnt it? have had it stuck in my head for a while. im going to college soon, i have a test on tuesday and i think i have to give in some math homework thing on wednesday if im not mistaken. hopefully its wednesday anyway. hmm....so today ill go to college, do some work, and go to the gym (though i dont really feel like going). my aunt paid for my subscription to get in. i had a dream about her now that i remember...she asked me why i didnt give anything to crystal. and i thought "what? i dont have half the things she does". and then she said something like "so? she deserves it more", so i told her to get out of my car. .....which was actually hers. anyway, im off now. be back later i suppose. maybe i can talk to paulie :D.

Flee





Date:2005-09-24 16:09
Subject:
Security:Public

over the years, ive written many things. most of them sad, depressing. this entry shall be no different. ive led a hard first few years. and though ive stopped questioning why, i still dont understand. i didnt want too much, but thenagain, everyone probably says that. i only wish i had someone to speak to. i dont want totell dan anymore. im destroying his spirit, im sure. he doesnt understand anyway and he never has. there are happy days to come happy days to come. but im not sure i want them. so many times ive want ed to stop and give up. this is also one of those times. part of me has always wondered how things would have gone if i wouldntve met daniel. my mind reverses the tape to the time when i would sit alone in my room in the dark corner. perhaps that night would have ended differently. and now that i sit in front of the screen and contemplate how my life would have been, it makes me sad. i know one of the nights, i would have realised there was no point. i would have reached for something sharp and i would probably have walked outside to watch the moon as i bled. hoping mybe there was something watching me, waiting for me to leave. dan would have led a happy life i know. that makes me happy. he would have found a nice girlfriend. maybe 3 or 4 of them. and then one day, there would be this one girl who would stand out. he'd be nervous, not knowing what she'd think when he told her he loved her. shy, no doubt. he was always shy. and maybe...in the next life. from where ever i was, id look down at him and watch him and his family. perhaps not even knowing why. or perhaps i would. every once in a while, id go back to my house the stare at the moon again. maybe someone would see me. if i would show myself to him, would he be scared or would he know? i dont think he'd believe i was real.

someone once told me....theres no point in taking a vacation because youd take yourself with you wouldnt you? you are the problem. maybe im looking for a way to get away from myself. right now i want to push everyone away. i hate myself.

Flee





Date:2005-04-18 17:22
Subject:
Security:Public

ah the ol' blurty. never thought id write in this again. well...i did. i imagined id be either writing some rubbish that is short enough to not waste any energy or long enough to express some sort of sorrow. today, the second option is best.

where did things go wrong? as much as i think about it, and probably too much, i cant figure. maybe it was a mix of it all. as i drove home, i thought about the old friends i had. even the ones who i thought were friends but werent. i even entertained the thought of calling claudia, but that thought quickly disappeared after i felt her imaginary spit land on my face. besides, she prolly comes with a 2 for 1 special. buy a bitch and get a fat cunt for free. that was cheesy wasnt it? bah. i thought of all the things i used to do, the things i used to worry about. all were so trivial. well....most. i know theres something wrong with me. something that perhaps even magnifies certain worries or cares. i dont know what to write. i thought this would help me get rid of any emotion i have inside, but strangly it doesnt at all, i feel empty already. i smile when i cry now. i have been for a while.

im eating a piece of bread with some hot chocolate, i was cold. i feel slightly artistic. ever so slightly. but not enough to put energy into it. i thought i had found my mother before, but i hadnt. i wonder where she is.

Flee





Date:2005-01-16 10:35
Subject:
Security:Public

i came across this when i was on my college's website. it says this girl called "karima latifa" has written a 160 pg book of poems at the age of 22. at a website, the book is described as:

"Get ready to explore truth. The poems in this book are sure to captivate your mind and take you into a place you’ve probably never been. These poems tell a story and invite you into the life of the misunderstood. Spiritual, emotional, abysmal, and eccentric are just a few words to describe the poetry within. I must forewarn that you must be one with an open mind, or one with a very curious mind. You must be one who wants more knowledge of what’s real in the eyes of this perceptive revolutionary poet. Karima Latifah brings you: Caught Up-N-The Struggle."



right. so you read that, and yu think, shit, this must be some good work. something deep and meaningful with some insight. for a moment, youre even impressed. wow 22, wrote a book. then, i read an exerpt:


"“Why do ya’ll stereotype me?
What did I do to you?
I’m just here minding my business
And you’re there looking at me the way you do
Yeah I got tattoos
And I got it all over my body
But because I got tattoos
Now I’m a little naughty?”


the fuck is that. she got published? for christs sake please. i mean, i just read it again. and its not that bad. its okay. its not even SHADOW of what they say it is, but its not too bad. definitly not publish worthy. so please, tell me, WHY. WHY would...eugh! people piss me off. i could have made millions then! jesus ive had brain farts that are deeper than that. nevermind, im pissing myself off.......

Flee





Date:2004-12-28 17:02
Subject:
Security:Public

i havent written anything here lately have i? i suppose not. i feel sick and im bored. i think i have a fever cos my eyes burn.

i dont want to pretend i am happy since i am not, as you might have guess from my writing style. my aunt is quite similar to a step mother and my dad and i still fight. we had another fight last night, in fact.

dan rang about 10 min ago. he had that moody tone so i figured id let him go to sleep. i get this scared knot in my stomach when he talks to me like that. im still scared. i find myself easiy doubting my relationship when i am already depressed before an argument and/or a "change of mood". i had read before that relationships suffer more when a partner has emotional problems. all i hope is that i get better when i leave the house because right now im a mental/emotional wreck. i keep hearing i am strong but truth is for the past 6 years ive been living thinking about dying. would i have died if i was weak then? i dont know.

i dont know what it is, but when i cry excessivly, i faint. i dont completely pass out, but my energy is completely drained so i cannot hold my own weight.

if the eyes are the window to the soul why cant people see the torment that i carry inside myself? si en mis ojos se ve mi espiritu, porque entonces la gente no ve el tormento que llevo dentro se mi? sera que no les interesa. entro en una temporada emocional en que no siento nada y siento todo. me siento muerta en cuerpo, sin ganas ni energia para hacer nada, sin embargo es cuando mas quiero moverme y irme pero no puedo. nadie entiende ni siente mis penas. cuando estoy mal, me aferro mas a daniel, y cuando no me trata con carino me quiero morir.

i am angry when people are happy because i cannot be happy.

i feel distanced from dan. i avent had a decent conversation with him for days. not long i suppose. but my relationshio is based on oral communication solely. i often wonder what goes through his mind. right now i wish with all my heart and soul that i could go back to the nights i laid and forogt the world existed with him. right now the headaches, the sick feeling in my stomach and the tears i hold back remind me the world is there. i pray that i do not destroy the only thing i have left. the only thing i live for.

Flee





Date:2004-11-25 10:39
Subject:
Security:Public

jenny invited me to squatches house for thanksgiving. its like at 2ish. theres this girl who i have to pick up from the airport though, ana maria's daughter. and she gets here at 4. so i dunno....should i go to jenny's and then pick her up or pick the girl up and then go to jenny's. or do i just not go to jenny's at all. i dunno. i just asked omar for advice and all he did is piss me off. hes like "go to jenny's if thats more important". so i told him i didnt want to stay at home much cos everyones fighting and shit. and he says "youre the only one whos fighting". eugh. i cant stand him sometimes.

i dont really feel like putting any effort into anything today. the stores are probably packed anyway, so i suppose ill have the usual tonight. some form of meat and a lame side dish. boiled potatoe or rice. YUMMEH

Flee





Date:2004-11-25 10:39
Subject:
Security:Public

jenny invited me to squatches house for thanksgiving. its like at 2ish. theres this girl who i have to pick up from the airport though, ana maria's daughter. and she gets here at 4. so i dunno....should i go to jenny's and then pick her up or pick the girl up and then go to jenny's. or do i just not go to jenny's at all. i dunno. i just asked omar for advice and all he did is piss me off. hes like "go to jenny's if thats more important". so i told him i didnt want to stay at home much cos everyones fighting and shit. and he says "youre the only one whos fighting". eugh. i cant stand him sometimes.

i dont really feel like putting any effort into anything today. the stores are probably packed anyway, so i suppose ill have the usual tonight. some form of meat and a lame side dish. boiled potatoe or rice. YUMMEH

Flee





Date:2004-11-07 18:45
Subject:
Security:Public

i understand now that people do not like to hear of other peoples misfortunes. the sad truth is, it i human nature to look after ones own self interest. no one wants nor likes to hear about your problems, and i have proved it. before when i used to speak to people, i used to conversationally mention things that used to happen to me. i.e mentioing to someone that this morning my nana shouted at me for . sure, people laugh, they agree with you, but it never goes beyond that. now, if you start amusing them by mocking the teacher or making sarcastic comments, then hey, everyone will love you. at the same time, theyll never ask how your day went or what youve been up to. even if they do, they dont literally mean to ask, they just use the phrase habitually. "hey whats up how are ya". not as in "hello, how has your life been today?" . so far, i have had NO serious conversations with anyone who "likes" me. i like serious converations. perhaps i woud not dwell so much on these things if i had some happy times once in a while. the last time i remember i was happy was in england. you know, i dont know if i ever mentioned this but, the night before i left, i spoke to my dad. he seemed dead excited and happy that i was going back home. i dreaded it. not only because i had to leave dan. and to be truthful i did not know exactly why. i just listened to his enthusiasm and i began to cry like the emotional twat that i am. i kept wondering why i wasnt excited to go back. because if i had the money, i would have stayed there. i would have missed nothing. the only thing i missed was my car, as i said so many a time. i didnt think about my family, nor what small amount of friends i had. i was perfectly content just where i was. and the night i got in my dads car for the first time in almost a month, i recented him for even picking me up. i was angry at them for taking me away. and though i faked a smile here and there, i looked around me and the city and i didnt feel the attachment to it that others would have to their "home" . they were empty buildings with swaying trees. and my house was a block of stone on the ground. i had become more attached to nana's house eventhough it was not even mine.

there was a night when i was supposed to go out with daniela nd jon, though i took too long cos mum said she would do my hair. she took a bit too long heh. i was sat there with her and she asked me if i had rang her office before, and i said yeah. a woman anwered the phone and asked if i was her daughter and i said not really. so mum said i was daft. and while she was behind me brushing my hair she said "of course youre my daughter". and til now i dunno if i imagined it but i started to cry. she couldnt see me anyway eh? but sarah came in a and saw me and asked why i was sad. then mum noticed and she hugged me. i felt dead happy then. i felt dead happy.

you can change your clothes and your hair, but your shadow is always the same colour.

Flee





Date:2004-11-07 06:37
Subject:
Security:Public

well then. im speaking to Ryan. poor him...hes got girlie troubles. im trying to cheer him up :D

im so annoyed at my teacher still, that im going to write my essay now. ill be sure to make it rubbish :D like so: "This poem is titled "The Garden of Love". i believe that it is about love. maybe even different kinds cos its in a garden. it rhymes because seen and green rhyme. he speaks about flowers often, perhaps he was born in the 60's and/or is a homosexual."

:D

Flee





Date:2004-10-25 13:29
Subject:
Security:Public

first grade:

when i firsts started i was dead shy, and i had only made one friend, iris. diana, one of the girls, didnt like me. so she made fun of me with her friends. i thought this was some sort of trend, so i made fun of sumone in a book (whom turned out to be a retard) and the teacher shouted at me.

second:
there was a kid behind me whod annoy the shit out of me. his name was henry. hed constantly annoy me, asking me for answers. and when i got fed up, he started calling me names with is friend, charlie. the teacher got mad at me for speaking to iris too much so she put her in the other side of the room, and i had no one to speak to. one of the kids started shouting at me cos i drank out of the fountain more than once (for some reason, u could only once) . the girls that sat close to me used to make fun of iris' food. and they shared brownies and cookies and such. iris was kinda poor, and her mum was a bitch, so sometimes shed only get a banana or nothing at all. i used to stand up for her and share with her.

third:
we were supposed to draw things for thanks giving. and when everyone found out i could draw, everyone started being dead nice to me. when i declined, theyd be dead nasty. iris gave me her little mermaid pencil, it was her favorite.

fouth:
this was the year i met maureen. i passed by her while she was speaking to someone, so she pushed me out of the way. i passed again, hopingthe teacher would see, but she threw some pencil sharpenings at me and pushed me again. i told the teacher, she did nothing. i passed by her again and she said some nasty name...then outside, she apologized. she said "i hope we can be friends" and then turned around and told her friend "heh she fell for it". when i sat in lunch, zuly threw chips and food in my hair. i offered a girl chocolates that my nana had given me. they had alcohol on them, so the girl thought i deliberatly tried to kill her or somthing. so she told the teacher in front of a bunch of people and i got dead embarrassed. again, i got called nasty names. a boy came up to me and said "hey, evelio likes you". evelio had ridiculed me often. so i went up to him and said "id never go out with you ever" nervously. he said "you told you id ever go out with someone as stupid and ugly as you?". i wanted to cry then. i took it to heart....

fifth grade:
i used to sit at the window waiting for my dad to come pick me up when i was lonely. and the girls chanted "how much is that dog by the window...". whenever id pass papers out the girls would drop them on purpose and push me when id bend over to get it for them. sometimes theyd pass sweets about but they always gave me rubbish ones. theyd laugh at my mistakes when id stand up to speak. everyone was disappointed when i got on their P.E team. i was either last picked, or not picked at all. i was always a slow runner...i tried hard once to go fast. and i tripped and got bruises on my face and legs...i showed a girl a ring i had that my dad gave me. they said "oh....can it break easily?". i said "no i dont think so...". so the girl grabbed it and smashed it against the table. "oh...i guess it is."

sixth grade:
my friend zenia said "oh...i can pretend to be their friend so i can tell you what they want to do to you next." so i agreed. and i got fed up one day. the girl, zuly, said "heh you see! no one likes you. not even zenia, and she was your best friend". and i shouted "yes she does! shes just pretending!" and zuly said "no im not". and zuly laughed and mocked me.

seventh/eighth grade:
i got in a few fights with jackie, erkys and chris. this year, the insulted and mutated from "youre stupid, you smell youre weird" to "youre a fucking bitch youre piece fo shit no one fucking like you you cunt." i gave a good come back though. "at least i can read and spell right" (jackie had some sort of speech impediment i assume). and erkys said "dont go down to her level youre bettter than that piece of shit", and chris...heh "if i werent in school id beat you. so dont run into me on the street bitch."

i told the teacher i felt left out. cos when id ask whats up, no one would tell me. so the teacher said once, very condescendingly "oh....and tell skar what you guys fought about (2 girls quarrelled) so he doesnt feel bad again."

ninth grade:
the first day of class..heh. Mr. Alvarez said "oh...so youre scarlett. why werent you here the past 2 weeks eh?". the real reason was because my dad didnt have money to buy me a uniform. i couldnt think of anything on the spot, so i said i had a throat infection. "he said oh...thats strange. you must be very fragile eh? by the way, (what possessed him to ask me this ill never know) i hear you like michael". im like "eh...i just walked in 15 min ago. who is michael". and he pointed to Mr. popularity. a tanned, thin boy...whom wasnt particularly attractive. so i cringed instinctively and said no. i satin a corner, and the teacher said "hey, why dont u sit with the girls?" and they looked at him as if to say "why did you even mention anything" and so i forced myself to sit there. and they all stopped talking. instead they aske dme questions. "why dont you shave your legs?" "why are you quiet? do you think youre better than us or sumthing?" and sum other rubbihsi cant remember. then id go to PE. i hung around with the rejects in the class. michael and leif. and even they mocked me quite often. once, i got angry at them cos they offended me too much. but i watched them from a distance. someone said, making fun "hey. why dont you go play with your friends over there eh? i bet theyre great eh?". as i said, no one else liked them either. monica would say i was some sort of devil, that i made fun of everyone all the time, and that i tried to look "sweet" though i was a cunt. she took my journals and wrote nasty things in it. shed say "i bet your pubes are as hairy as your legs are". i sat next to melissa and said looked at me disgustingly and said "im not sitting next to her!" and slammed her desk down on the floor. monica would tease me and say i was a lesbian who wanted to have sex with her. and shed slam herself against the bathroom door to try to intimidate me, saying shed beat me. they wouldnt let me sit close to them. theyd make faces at me constantly. of disgust and disapproval. monica rang me up on the phone, saying i was a pussy who didnt have the balls to tell her things in her face so she could punch me. the guys would use me as a reference. "who would you rahter date, her *points to a fat girl with facial retardation*, or scarlett? *laughs histerically*"

Flee





Date:2004-10-25 12:54
Subject:
Security:Public

when i was in the 4th grade, i asked my dad if i could go with my classmates to disney world. i really wanted to go cos everyone else had gone and i hadnt. i told my teacher i was upset cos i knew my dad would say no, and she said sumthing implying that there was nothing wrong with going. i asked my dad and he laughed. he said "no of course you cant go. youre too young to be going out to far away places like that." i said that everyone else was going, so why couldnt i? he said "because theyre cubans. theyre not nice people. did you hear of that little girl who got killed in a bathroom stall? arent you scared to go on your own? if you were a good girl, you yourself would say no. you shouldnt want to go with out me."

when i told my dad that my hair was breaking, i asked him if he could cut it a little. and he said okay, and pretended to cut a little off but he did no such thing. and i got angry and went to the salon so they could do it. i went to the salon and the lady fried my hair. when it started falling out, i told my dad its cos youre supposed to cut it once a month or so, and he said no. he said the women at the salon were wrong and they jsut wanted to make money. so i had to cut it myself cos i didnt have money. and my hair got better...

i told my dad the girls at school were picking on me. he said not to do anything and theyd go away. but they never did. so i cried every morning before i went to school, and he said somthing condescending like "it cant be that bad." but it was. and he didnt do anything.

i told my dad i had depression. eventhough i thoroughly explained the condition, and the psychologist explained it, and his friends explained it, he still repeated the words "im sure theres something you can do without the help of medication or counseling. its your own fault youre depressed."

i told my dad i didnt want nana to watch me bathing anymore. he said thats just the way she was and he couldnt do anything about it.

dad didnt let dan come twice. it took me 4 years for him to let me go there. he still doesnt want me to go again.

hes never there for me. he never was. he just gives me money.

shannon used to call. she wanted to get close to me. but everytime she rang, my dad told me not to pick up. and everytime she came over, he didnt let me open the door. he insisted that my mum didnt love me, eventhough that lie had given me the comfort i wanted for so long.

when my dad was working on my car, i kept pressuring him for hi to finish. i cant remember why i was angry, but it had nothing to do with my just wanting the car. they thought it was because they wouldnt listen to me. i ended up looking like a spoiled brat in front of everyone in the dealer, having a nervous breakdown in which the police were called, and i have a suicide attempt written in my record.

he fucked my 19th birthday.

Flee





Date:2004-10-17 21:52
Subject:
Security:Public

i just spoke to dan on da phone machine a few minutes ago. i was glad to see him, i missed him. he deserved to get away from stuff for a while though. he mentioned his mum said she thought i accused her of pressuring dan. i was actually thinking i might have. feel kinda bad now. that explains why she sounded a little angry. not angry...just not friendly like she usually does :) . ill stay out of things from now on. i was trying to help but i only screwed myself over.

men keep hitting on me and it makes me feel dirty. one guy stuck his tongue out in a not-so-nice fashion, another made googly eyes at me, this other one just spoke to me so that was okay....and the last one drove next to me and asked me if i "wanted some company". it really makes me feel odd.

i like learning about cars and things. i love my car :D i waxed it yesterday it looks new. hehe. i was asking jorge if hethought i could buy a new engine for it. itd have 0 miles on it then. he drove it today and he said it was running well, and he actually said he thought i should keep it and take care of it cos you dont find them on the street anymore, especially not in the condition i had it in, which is true. it has a leak again, but thats okay. nothing else is wrong wit h it. im happy :)

i have to go to colege tomorrow. i dont wanna. im sick of college. i want to take more psychology classes....or some philosophy classes. i like the two. ooh i dunno how this reminded me but my dad got angry today for no reason. my uncle mentioned going to bolivia with me and my dad got angry. and then i mentioned wanting to go over to uk for christmas next year and he started shouting at my uncle for "putting ideas in my head". then me and jorge went back to the dealer, so i tookthe time to speak to him. i told him the more my dad says no the more i want to do it just to prove him wrong. hes only driving me away from him more by not lettting me do thing i know im entitled to do. jorge understands me quite well. he thinks of us both as the black sheep in the family. my nan, dad and aunt love that..."family close-ness" or whatever u want to call it. that ideology taht you should ask for permission to go out even if youre 35. my uncles hates it. my dad thinks its right and so does my aunt. my cousin luis is 24 and he has to ask my aunts permission to do certain things. i think thatd incredibly stupid. so does jorge. heh....i kinda feel bad for my dad. cos when he realises im not gonna put up with that "dad can i go out?" crap hes gonna be crushed.

ah speaking of dad....hes such a romantic. he sits in the dealer writing love letters to his first love. isnt that adorabe? jorge said he never got over her, so when hes bored or sumthing he sits there and writes poetry about her or writes letters he never sends. kinda said isnt it? i thought it was sweet. jorge makes fun of him though. when he catches him. "writing poems for your beloved Sonia, again??". i cuahgt him the other day. i got close to his desk while he was writing and he jumped up dead quick, "what is it u want?? your keys? uhh uhh..." and he struggled to hide the paper without making it noticable. heh...

Flee





Date:2004-10-14 08:24
Subject:
Security:Public

i wonder if dan will be out all day. i miss speaking to him online. i have 3 classes to go to today though so i prolly wont be home anyway. heres a shocker: i had lots of weird dreams. one abut a rat, one about dan...and yesterday i had a sex dream abuot an old lady...yukkie.

i feel kinda close to stinky. i just rang him but hes not at his dorm, as i so suspected. awww. i want a cuddle. i hope he feels better....

Flee





Date:2004-10-13 08:26
Subject:
Security:Public

i have these dreams where im convinced i can use my mind to move objects. last night i was sat on a mat of some sort. and i made it carry me, but itd only go in circles. other times i dream i can fly. hehe i like those dreams.

im watching the episode of buffy where her mum dies. bah, me no likies. i have college in about an hour. i suppose i should try to get ready. i only have english and math today. ill prolly just go to english class and go to the dealer afterwards. its only wednesday but it feels like thurs or friday. i want it to be friday :(

Flee





Date:2004-10-12 20:39
Subject:
Security:Public

i just got off the phone with dan. poor thing. he was Mr. Grumpy. hes been feeling ill lately. i miss him being all romanticy. heh i dunno if he notices but i melt when he does things like that. he prolly thinks its lame...

i was dead worried last week. being cold and distant made me worry. i know he thinks its lame but, i was fiddling with my phone in class, and i read some of the messages off him from when i was going over. "i want to hold you and kiss you'' and such things. made me smile :) .

ive been dead tired lately. im going tobed soon, and its not even 9 yet. i have a few tests coming up. ah, i love tests heh. i dont feel as social as i did before. i used to go to math class anxious to get to speak to the girls cos they liked me. but now i just sorta...sit down and smile. nod when they say things.

the rammstein album grew on me. theres a song called "stein um stein". i dont like some of it but theres a guitar bit in it that i really like. i listen to the song just to hear it lol. and theres "amour". i know some of the words by now. Reise is good. and ehm..i thought "moskau" was bad but now i kinda like it. russian chicks sound like japanese chicks. teeny voices. "los" is a bit plain, given that its acoustic. i cant appreciate the lyrics, since i dont peak german, so they didnt give me much to enjoy. it was just...a guitar. and till's voice. yay raspy german voices! not.

im going to sleep now. im dead tired. g'nite

Flee





Date:2004-10-12 20:39
Subject:
Security:Public

i just got off the phone with dan. poor thing. he was Mr. Grumpy. hes been feeling ill lately. i miss him being all romanticy. heh i dunno if he notices but i melt when he does things like that. he prolly thinks its lame...

i was dead worried last week. being cold and distant made me worry. i know he thinks its lame but, i was fiddling with my phone in class, and i read some of the messages off him from when i was going over. "i want to hold you and kiss you'' and such things. made me smile :) .

ive been dead tired lately. im going tobed soon, and its not even 9 yet. i have a few tests coming up. ah, i love tests heh. i dont feel as social as i did before. i used to go to math class anxious to get to speak to the girls cos they liked me. but now i just sorta...sit down and smile. nod when they say things.

the rammstein album grew on me. theres a song called "stein um stein". i dont like some of it but theres a guitar bit in it that i really like. i listen to the song just to hear it lol. and theres "amour". i know some of the words by now. Reise is good. and ehm..i thought "moskau" was bad but now i kinda like it. russian chicks sound like japanese chicks. teeny voices. "los" is a bit plain, given that its acoustic. i cant appreciate the lyrics, since i dont peak german, so they didnt give me much to enjoy. it was just...a guitar. and till's voice. yay raspy german voices! not.

im going to sleep now. im dead tired. g'nite

Flee





Date:2004-10-12 20:39
Subject:
Security:Public

i just got off the phone with dan. poor thing. he was Mr. Grumpy. hes been feeling ill lately. i miss him being all romanticy. heh i dunno if he notices but i melt when he does things like that. he prolly thinks its lame...

i was dead worried last week. being cold and distant made me worry. i know he thinks its lame but, i was fiddling with my phone in class, and i read some of the messages off him from when i was going over. "i want to hold you and kiss you'' and such things. made me smile :) .

ive been dead tired lately. im going tobed soon, and its not even 9 yet. i have a few tests coming up. ah, i love tests heh. i dont feel as social as i did before. i used to go to math class anxious to get to speak to the girls cos they liked me. but now i just sorta...sit down and smile. nod when they say things.

the rammstein album grew on me. theres a song called "stein um stein". i dont like some of it but theres a guitar bit in it that i really like. i listen to the song just to hear it lol. and theres "amour". i know some of the words by now. Reise is good. and ehm..i thought "moskau" was bad but now i kinda like it. russian chicks sound like japanese chicks. teeny voices. "los" is a bit plain, given that its acoustic. i cant appreciate the lyrics, since i dont peak german, so they didnt give me much to enjoy. it was just...a guitar. and till's voice. yay raspy german voices! not.

im going to sleep now. im dead tired. g'nite

Flee





Date:2004-10-12 20:37
Subject:this is what i wrote about the trip so far.
Security:Public

For the next 2 hours, I will attempt to recall my entire trip and every incident of even minor importance within it.

Leaving Miami ~ ~ ~ ~
I had packed 2 days before I had to leave. I remember I had quite some trouble finding Dan’s dad a gift. I went to about…3 sports authoritys (a sports shop) to find Dan a new hoodie. I didn’t find one in the end…I went out with Michael, and we spoke of the things I might do in England. Drinking came up quite a lot. I imagined myself passing out just before dancing on top of table with my bra on my head. I wasn’t as excited as I thought I’d be though. Going to the gyno was a pain. And wearing those damn patches…the doctor said I was good though. Cos I went to him before I did anything. I was happy then. I remember Maribel telling Jorge “you should be proud that she’s even considering going to a doctor beforehand”. She added “thoughtless bastard” at the end too. The day we had to leave was rainy. I was afraid we wouldn’t get there on time, I was quite nervous. Jorge shrugged it off of course, laughing at me. When we got to the airport, dad took out the luggage, and gave me a hug that nearly suffocated me. He patted Jorge on the back, gave him a short hug and waved. Jorge said to me “you’re screwed now. I have no intention of helping you with those bags. I told you not to bring so much shit with you”. He had only brought 1 bag with him. He hurried along in front of me as I struggled with my rubbish. I had 2 suitcases and 2 bags. One of the suitcases was just presents. He larger one held half of all my belongings. We walked around and asked people where we should stand. After a few people, we ended up being directed to a line that was at least a 15 minute walk to the end. I didn’t think we would get there on time. I met a man from…I forget where he was from. I believe he was from Spain or Argentina. He was quite nice and helped me with my bags while Jorge walked about looking for something. We spoke for a while, and after I told him I was going to England, he looked through his pocket and pulled out about 2 pounds. He said he wouldn’t need them anymore, and gave them to me. I thought it was generous of him. Soon after, there was a guard nearby controlling the line. I asked him if he thought we would make it in the plane, he said he doubted it. I was disappointed then, and went back upset to Jorge to tell him we weren’t going to make it. He got angry, as did the other man. Out of desperation, I went up to another woman who was checking papers. I lied to her and told her I had been in the line for 3 hours and others whom had just arrived were in front of me. “I wish I could help you, but if I do id get fired. I did it before with some people, and they ended up calling the police because people were skipping others in line. I’m very sorry….” she said. When I insisted, she said she felt bad for some people, and that she wished she could do something more. She was a nice woman, seemed genuine. Again, I reported to Jorge. Angry and short-fused, he went up to the woman himself. He raised his voice and accused her of not wanting to help. The woman got defensive, and when she was retaliating, Jorge incinuated that she should “behave” or he’d get her fired. He dragged me back towards someone else, and they directed us to another line. While we were waiting, I remembered the woman’s words. “I like helping people, but I can’t…”. “ill be back in a sec”, and I went over to the woman. She looked at me, slightly worried. She probably thought I planned to be nasty. I said “my uncle is arrogant and insensitive. He’s like that with everyone, so please don’t be feel bad…I apologize on his behalf”. She looked happy when I said that. “thank you for your compassion” she said. She smiled and had this grateful look. Made me happy. I walked back to Jorge. Just then he said “could you believe that woman? She could’ve helped us if she wanted to, I know it! Bitch..”. I nodded and patted him on the back. I felt above him then.

Soon after, we got on the plane. I didn’t have a very good view from the window but I managed to be content with it. It started to rain and rain, and then we heard the pilot saying we weren’t going to take off until he received permission to. After about half an hour or so, we finally took off. I watched as the city shrunk, still nervous because I thought we might lose the other plane. The plane ride was dull. In about 3 hours, we arrived in Chicago. And we quickly went to a desk and asked if our plane had gone. And so it did. I was furious then. Jorge kept saying it was for a reason, and to not worry. But I was even more infuriated when I found out we’d leave at 6:00pm the next day. After anger came sadness. And after I bought the most expensive personal pizza I’ve ever had in my short life, we prepared to get on a bus to Holiday Inn. I sat in one of the buses to eat. When I spoke to my dad, I told him to notify Dan and his parents. When he rang me back, he said they had been waiting for me. That made my heart sink. And after our bus arrived, I sat in it and looked out the big windows. Jorge looked around like a proper tourist. I sat quietly as some tears dropped. It was dark, so no one could see. When we arrived at the hotel, we went straight to our rooms, and Jorge grew hungry. We pulled out a menu and decided to get some room service. We thought the prices were too high, but he said he was hungry enough to pay and not mind. I was already full from the pizza, but Jorge insisted I should join him. So I did. And because of that I woke up in the middle of the night feeling thirsty and rubbish. So I got up quietly, thinking that Jorge wouldn’t hear me. I was still asleep so I’m sure I must’ve looked like a zombie. My eyes opened a little more when I saw the indoor jungle they had. After about 10 minutes, I ran into a woman. I think I said something caveman-ish. “Skar thirsty. Where water? Me want”. she told me to look for some machines that I had run into before without noticing. The only thing there that wasn’t saturated in sugar was some tea. So I got that and walked back upstairs to the room. To my surprise, the lights were on and Jorge was sat up holding his head in his hands. I asked what was up and Jorge said that he couldn’t sleep. It seems we both have trouble sleeping in foreign beds. “this is all your fault! You dragged me all the way to Chicago for fucks sake” he said laughing. We spoke for a while and made jokes, and after that we tried to sleep again.

The next day, we decided to make the most of it and get to know the city. We ate breakfast and got on the bus the hotel provided. We started to walk towards a subway. I thought there was much to much walking and I began to sweat. I felt as if I was being made to walk from Hialeah to Miami Lakes under a cloudless sky in June. The subway was just like it was in the films - dark and smelly with tramps and weirdos walking about. I asked a woman when the bus would come. Though she said it was every 40 minutes, I assumed I misunderstood since 5 minutes later she walked up towards it. I followed her into it, and a second after I got on it the doors closed. I proceeded to wetting myself and watch my uncle try to run behind the bus. I’m sure I would’ve laughed if I wasn’t wondering how the hell I’d turn back. When I could no longer see him, I stood there worrying. I looked at the woman. She was sitting in front of me, reading the paper. I intelligently guessed because of her reaction to the situation that it was not as grave as I thought it was. So I said “I assume that since I’m the only one not pissing themselves that this is not as bad as it seems to me?” . without lifting her head away from the text, she smiled and said “nah. Just sit down until he next stop”. laughing at myself I said “heh I was dead scared then”. She laughed at me and continued reading. And that was my first experience with public transportation.

When I got back to Jorge I felt like I did that day in the supermarket when I was 5. I got lost for 5 minutes and started to cry and when I got back to him I felt embarrassed and scared. We walked around some more, and I got to the point where I was so hot and smelly that I was embarrassed of going into any shops. The city itself had not made a very good impression on me and I desperately wanted to leave. In the airport I bought a shirt that said “Chicago” on it. I always thought it was stupid to buy a shirt with the name of a city on it. But I made an exception, for the shirt did not reek of fat construction workers. I noticed that all the people going on the plane were white. I giggled with excitement. When I got on the plane, I knew there was a long, dull trip ahead. But I didn’t care. I kept looking at the little boys. Wondering what resemblance they might have to my children with Dan. The most prominent thing in my mind from the ride there was a very cold, almost painful, Canada. Might have been Greenland. I sat there shivering for about 45 minutes. Since the people in the middle rows weren’t cold, I assumed it was just the outside temperature. As opposed to my first guess - that the pilot wanted to freeze us all to death. I was anxious and impatient, yet too tired to show it. I looked around me and wondered when the plane would stop. And after 2 or 3 hours of agony the pilot mentioned we were getting very close. I waited for the clouds to part but they did not. Layer over layer over layer. For a moment, it made me feel as if I had ventured off into some unknown land shrouded in mystery. And a mystery it was for what I thought was too long. But as we descended just a little more, the clouds turned into fog-like and then there it was, clear and green. I knew I was going to do it - I had imagined myself doing it before. But this time it came without thought, without prior notice. Tears began falling from my eyes as I watched the land beneath me, the land I had longed to see for what seemed forever. Walking out of the plane, my eyes were fixated on the long windows looking out towards a field. I kept wondering what or who might lie beyond it. I snapped out of my trance and realized I was about to see my fiancé’s parents. I was about to make a first impression, and whatever I did after this point seemed crucial to me at the time. I wondered what sort of idiocies I would do, what sort of arguments I’d get into with Dan, and, strangely, I wondered if I would come back a virgin. When it seemed as though we were walking towards a meeting place, I pushed Jorge forwards and asked him to go in front of me. I kept looking behind my shoulder to see where they’d show up from, but they didn’t. And when I reached the outside of the terminal, I found myself hiding from anyone who looked remotely familiar. But after time passed and no one was around to greet me, fear turned into impatience and instead of hiding I sought him out but to no avail. Jorge decided he wanted to smoke, so I followed and stood nervously next to him. Soon he pointed someone out in the distance and I turned around. From afar I saw Daniel, and someone next to him who was surely his sister. And ah, the next bit in the story embarrasses me. I need not say it, eh? Though I felt incredibly embarrassed, and I remembered my earlier thoughts.

Sarah was a dear. She looked sweet and pretty, with eyes similar to Dan’s. At the time my mind was more consumed with Daniel, his smell, his smile. Always so comforting. I admit, I was a bit terrified of meeting his dad. I heard he wasn’t one of the most agreeable people. But he seemed to be a nice enough person. I remember when I sat in the car, I felt cold and excited. The sky was bright yet clouded and the atmosphere smelled different. There was always something about the way he held me. He smelled pleasant and his body was warm. His hands were soft and his arms around me felt so calming. I looked next to me and saw Sarah. I thought it was best to bring myself down from the clouds and be more friendly. That time I noticed she was indeed very pretty. Cute, still like a little girl. And from that day on I would say to her randomly, smiling “pretty!!” . I liked her reaction as well.

Ah so now I arrive at nana’s. This was the person I would live with for the next few weeks, and I was eager yet nervous. I wanted to be liked. She was quite friendly and nice, but she came across as the stereotypical English woman. Serious and educated, but nice and friendly. After speaking to her shortly, she told Daniel to take me upstairs to see my room. And there I saw an opportunity to kiss him. I hurried up the stairs and I cornered him against a rail (or wall, whatever that was) and kissed him. He told me to stop but when my lips touched his, he kissed back. It was then that I remembered his taste. It happens every time. I seem to vaguely remember his lips when we are apart, often trying to recall certain instances but I never get it right. But when I’m with him again it all comes back as if everything else was a dream. He showed me our bed, our room. The second he said “our” I wanted to have him. But he dragged me downstairs again and we spoke to our parents some. Nan was making breakfast apparently. Me, Jorge and Dan ate, if I remember correctly. I was sitting at a funny angle and Nan said “sit properly Scarlett”, and I could imagine what Jorge was thinking, something close to mockery.

Soon after that, I remember I was sitting down, finishing what I was eating. I heard the door opening but I paid little attention to it, until I heard the word “mum”. I looked up and for a second I was scared, until she rushed towards me and hugged me tight like I hoped she would one day. She seemed genuinely happy to see me, and the moment was better than I had expected. When I looked at her I noticed she was very similar to Leslie. Her eyes were the same, but kinder and sweeter. Her smile always had a way of making me feel loved even though she wasn’t smiling at me. She was thin and pretty and I wondered if I could ever emulate her beauty. Until now I still hope I can get closer to her, maybe one day she can call me her daughter. When I called her at work one day

We went to see Jorge’s hotel soon after that. I wondered if the inside was actually as nice as it was in the pictures I had seen. When we walked in, there was the stereotypical bell boy, complete with white gloves and a funny suit. We ran over to Jorge’s room, looking at everything along the way. I thought it’d be funny to annoy Jorge by asking for thank yous constantly. The room was nice enough, I particularly liked the bathroom and the windows.

Flee




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