very rough night-emotionally Last night was the first Karaoke night without Alicia. She's gone back to Poland and while I knew she was going back,
the way her and I ended didn't go over well, so it is a sore spot but it's one that doesn't overshadow the fact that I had
an excellent half a summer being with her.
What was the hardest was being in the very place where we first met. I out of habit kept looking towards the door
expecting her to walk in(as that was the routine at the Chalet every week, I'd get there first, get the same seats we always
in, and then she'd come in a few minutes later and join me). For more than an hour every time the door opened, out of habit
I looked to see if it was here, and had to keep reminding myself she left. Singing the song "forever in Blue Jeans" was the hardest
because She loved that song and she knew it was pretty much a song I dedicated to her.
I originally wasn't gonna do karaoke last night. But someone said I should because I was doing it long before I met her, and
that I should still do it long after she's gone. I agree but man, this was just a hard night. One I knew I had to see thru.
Alicia and I spent ALOT of time together, shooting pool and mostly doing karaoke nights together where I live, we were like
the "Karaoke Couple". Two weeks ago at the Chalet while I did some of my usual songs, she had did other ones that I know
(especially by the way she was looking at me as she sang them), that an educated guess/opinion I had thought yet never
openly said to her, was becoming true. She hit certain songs she never did before ("Can't stop loving you" by Phil Collins was
one that really stood out, especially the way she was looking at me the whole time she sang it). That night when I walked her
home. Our friendship got just alittle "closer". All I will say is that she granted a wish that night. You can figure out what we did.
When she asked me to come up, I was very hesitant on this. On the inside I was saying "YES! YES! YES"! but I knew we were
hitting an area that we both had talked about not wanting to hit. She made the move, and after asking her acouple of times if
she was really sure she wanted this to happen, it happened. Blonde woman from Poland, VERY pretty is hard to turn down but
up until that point, any attraction or possible "feelings" I had, I kept to myself because everytime in the past when I expressed
them, things always got fucked up. So for once I did do it right and held back everything and just kept it at the level of
friendship, until that fateful night. She told me "You how you say have to 'earn the priviledge', you earned it by how you are and what
you do for me all the time".
Do I regret that happened? no. Do I regret how things hit a sore spot? Yes but she came thru on an email to me and in her own way
did the right thing. She realized she fucked up on sitting with a guy who was married at 1 in the morning(if a guy is married, he needs to be home with his wife, not trying to get some woman drunk and get her into bed, which is exactly what this assclown was trying to do). Alicia said in her email that she had to do something in the end to show that and I quote from her own email "all women screw up". I do know alot about that, she did apologize now, so better now than never. So the sore spot is going away. I just have to go thru the process of missing her which is what I'm going thru now.
Just got an email from her, she regrets saying she was sorry to me on her last night here (which was this past sunday). So there ya go. It all comes into place if it's meant to.
they say one door in life doesn't shut unless another one opens somewhere, right now I feel like I'm just between the doors. I'll just go back to spending time with myself again, like I was before she came along, and when God decides to place someone else in my life, he will. I honestly think I need to take a break from doing karaoke for alittle while, so I can go thru the process of missing someone who I will always cherish as a very good friend, and who helped make my first year here, a very good one.
Current Mood: blah
Current Music: Everyone I know leaves in the end( words from a song)