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Nikita

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Some random late night thoughts (from last night) [25 Apr 2005|01:09am]
[ mood | mellow ]
[ music | By the Bed - Phantom Planet ]

I broke a promise
I found some old pictures
I couldn't find a pen

But I'm back on track now. I broke a promise. Everytime I think that phrase I sneeze. I'm sure it's the dust but it could be the truth. There I go fighting my own self. My logical side always resassures me when my nonsense side blurts out an ADD-laced thought.

Back to promises. I broke one. I doesn't matter now, she doesn't even know or remember, but I do.

I think the sad part is that I remember and I still feel bad over a ridiculous think like breaking a dumb promise.

I say ridiculous way too much.

I think I feel almost motherly with her, not that her mom isn't good enough...no! She is a great mom and I wish she was mione. I just feel motherly because I can relate to her and I want to make things better for her because she deserves it.

Same with him.

He breaks his promises all the time. Except instead of caring, he just forgets.

I guess my expectations are a little high. I guess I gotta roll with the punches more. Maybe it's jealousy, in fact, yes, some is jealousy...but I'm able to supress that now.

I see the future with us in it together. I see the same thing again and again...house, beach, California, sun, kids, pets, smiles, sun again. Everyone is tan and happy.

I think sometimes about how we know "the right person". I mean isn't that God's decision. And what are the chances that we are supposed to be.
But I can't think like that. I know things can work. I guess change has to happen...soon.

I've inherited the high expectation gene an dI definitely apply it too much. It's funny the things you dislike in your parents you always seem to find in yourself.

Trust. Such a scary word. It's like dipping your finger into a shark tank and hoping not to get bit.

But then I think, what is the worst that can happen. I mean some pretty bad (Whorish) things have happened so I guess not too much else is left.

How do you know if you can trust someone unless you try?

I don't want to be in control. I guess I just don't like surprises. But then there is that nonsense side that, again in an ADD-laced moment, says "no wait surprises are good. They excite me and make me feel good."

Spontinaity is something I wish I could really grasp. And spell. I try to be spontaneous but then it always turns to a plan.

Plans bad
Spontaneous good
Lighten up
Enjoy breathing
Plan sometimes
Lighten up
Love
Be in love and enjoy it
Live

...don't let your butt get numb
Nikita

meet me in outer space

You only think about yourself... [22 Apr 2005|02:22pm]
[ mood | contemplative ]
[ music | Under my umbrella - Incubus ]

Hmm, it's been a pretty long and crazy week. Anthony is in virginia so I prolly won't get to see him this week and I'm not too happy about that one. But whatever. Ugh.

Anyways, we had a lot of exams and shit, chem then bio practical then chem quiz. Um yea. Anthony and I had a pretty big disagreement. I dunno, it really sucks. I just wanna see him and get a hug but oh well, hopefully sunday night for a minute.

I'm waiting for my dad to come get me. Tomorrow is his birthday and I have to work probably all day. But whatev. Then we are going out to eat and hopefully it won't rain on sunday so I can have a friggen horseback riding lesson. I can't wait until the summer begins. I have an interview tomorrow and hopefully they will hire me. Ugh! Anyways, gotta go pack. Bye

I refuse to kneel before the sights you chose to see
Nikita

meet me in outer space

Ugh I hate my uterus [19 Apr 2005|12:13am]
[ mood | pissed off ]
[ music | Nice to know you - Incubus ]

Um I forgot to mention about my weekend that I got to see my fav soph Christine and that I enjoyed seeing her very much. And that she was awesome in the play, and I was such a proud old lady (as Tenisha likes to call me).

Anyways, today was alright. It was nice out. But I didn't sleep that well last night so I dunno. I haven't been sleeping well in general lately. I don't know, I feel like something is bothering me but I don't know what to do. It's almost the end of my first year of college and I'm so excited. I just don't know what's bugging me. I have this weird feeling in my stomach (besides wannabe cramps) and I can't stay focused. I don't know. Things with Raj and I have been stressed lately I suppose but I dunno. I feel like the relationship is so unfair sometimes and when we talked about it he said yea yea ok but nothing is any different today. I dunno I guess it's only one day and he has that band shit to do but still.

Ugh, hopefully this feeling will go away soon, as quickly as this year will end...10 days baby!
Nikita

1 spent the night | meet me in outer space

Skip was a little crazy for me [18 Apr 2005|12:03am]
[ mood | lonely ]
[ music | Just a Phase - Incubus ]

Um good weeked, I suppose.

Friday was the play. It was good. Made me really sad, I miss acting like crazy. So disappointed that I'm not acting right now. I miss being in shows. It was so fun. Ugh. Anthony was amazing, the show in general was good. Very funny. Eva came that night, we laughed at Anthony the whole time. It was great.

Saturday I didn't have to work which was awesome. I took care of the cats and went to my fav store PetSmart for some stuff. Raj finally woke up and we just chilled. Then I went to the play again with Laura, Heather and Cristiana. We had fun. It was good again. Then we went out with the cast b/c I wanted some Rajah time and Schtein, Alyssa Esq. and Widdy went. It was fun. I love Schtein's wife, Alyssa, she is so cool. And she went to Rutgers which makes her even cooler. She reminds me that successful people do actually go to this school (I tend to forget that sometimes). Anyways, it was a fun night.

Then today I had a horseback riding lesson. I had a very difficult horse Skip but it was ok. He almost threw me once but I yelled at him and he was ok after that. He was a bit bratty though, kinda lazy too. But it's ok, b/c I was at the reigns and I got him under control. My groin-al area is already starting to hurt though. Sheesh. These crazy old ladies who can't control their horses are messing up my lesson. But whatev. Then Raj and I and my dad washed Russell George and Bashful. Anthony's car was disgusting but my dad made it look good. Yea. Then we hung out and just chilled. Then I had to come back here. Crazy week coming up and I don't get to see Raj on this weekend because he is going to Virginia for some stupid trip. But wahtev, I have a job interview and an essay to write so I'm sure I'll stay busy. Yea.

I miss my Rajah already...
Nikita

1 spent the night | meet me in outer space

Finally had a lesson [11 Apr 2005|12:13pm]
[ mood | cranky ]
[ music | Only in dreams - Weezer ]

So this weekend was pretty good.

Friday was kinda weird, Raj had a late play practice but whatever. His house is a lil crazy right now so we came down here to my dorm to chill for a bit. Then we both went home b/c we had to work on saturday.

Yes, yes saturday I worked. It was a long long day (like friggen 9 hours) but it was fun. Then I went to get some food with the 'rents, but that wasn't a good idea. So then Raj and I just hung out. He spent most of the night attempting to write a paper. It was kinda sucky b/c I wanted to hang out but whatever.

Then yesterday I finally had a horseback riding lesson. It was awesome except today my butt hurts sooo bad. Hopefully that will go away. I had a really cute horse except he was trotting kinda fast and I think that's why I couldn't get the posting thing. But hopefully next week. I cannot wait. It was so nice yesterday, perfect day to ride. Ahhh, it was gorgeous out. I'm also applying to some places to get a summer job and hopefully one will take me. I'm a good worker, I swear.

Last week was kinda nuts, we had to schedule classes for next fall. It was crazy. But I got all except one class and I'm working on it. Ugh, only a couple crazy weeks left of my freshman year of college...I'M SO FRIGGEN EXCITED!!!

Ok, off to precalc now
Nikita

3 spent the night | meet me in outer space

Long day [06 Apr 2005|11:42pm]
[ mood | annoyed ]
[ music | squeaky swings!!! ]

Um today was a roller coaster. It was beautiful out, that was good. I got a 92 on my precalc exam, that was good. I had a bio exam, that was bad. Raj is driving me nuts, that is bad.

I hate how he can twist my emotions. I hate it that I in turn feel the need to be stressed because of him being stressed. Ugh, I don't want to care anymore. I just don't understand that if you are stressed out because you have so much stuff to do, then try your best to get it done, then you won't be stressed. Playing video games is not helpful. That will not help you accomplish anything you are trying to. I just don't understand. And continuing to talk about what is stressing you out is not a good idea either. I just do no understand people sometimes. So quick to point out flaws in other yet not ready to accept flaws about themselves. Geez, I don't know how we work out sometimes, it is so frustrating.

I don't know, I suppose if you don't go through things like this in a relationship then it really isn't a decent one. If you never fight or have to work things out then what's the point. Or if you just give up because things get a little hectic, I don't know but it seems like you don't really get everything out of the relationship. A relationship is about being in it for the long run, trying to work through everything life brings you. I don't know. We had a really good weekend, and I miss it. Hopefully this one will be good too. I miss my rajah and seeing him whenever I want to. I'm so jealous of these other couples who like live together or like in the same building but then again if they were faced with being apart, many other couples couldn't do it.

That's all for my rantings this evening. I just realized I have more hw to do. Bye.
Nikita

meet me in outer space

Wake me up before you go go... [06 Apr 2005|12:15am]
[ mood | weird ]
[ music | Maria Mena ]

The week has been pretty boring so far.

Still no horseback riding lessons yet. Bio exam tomorrow. Precalc exam yesterday. I think I did good on the precalc, I'm probably going to fail the Bio. Anyways...


My roommate just screamed out the window SHUT THE FUCK UP and it was great. And now it's quiet outside. It's pooowerful, pooowerful stuff. Haha. Oh how even though Dr. Brey is no longer our teacher, he still manages to continue fucking up our lives. Ah yes.

We have a new chem teacher, he's cool. We have a new bio teacher, he's weird. He made a comment today about our kids doing well in bio because we took bio and I said (very loud apparently) Hell NO! and he was like, I'll make the jokes ok? and it was pretty funny. I love being loud. Annnnnyyyways. I'm sooo tired b/c I'm still lacking sleep from the weekend. So I'm gonna go to study a bit then sleep. Bye.

Nikita

meet me in outer space

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