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[05 Sep 2004|03:16pm] |
when i was talkung to ryan yesterday afternoon... it really got me thinking.
he asked me why i missed him and i told him. but what i failed to mention was that i missed the little things...
i miss laying in bed with him and watching tv, i miss the way he went crazy of Mcguivers mullet that time we watched Mcguiver.. lol. I miss his little facial ticks... i miss cuddling with him, and kissing him.... and the way it felt when he would hug me.. it always felt so good. i really think that what me and him had was real. and it always felt good for him to touch me... so now im trying to get him to meet up with me, so he can figure out what he wants...
okay well im going upstairs to watch IO. so i have something to do. ill update later maybe.
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[04 Sep 2004|02:26pm] |
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me and him need to meet up.... so i think that im gonna try to see when hes classless so i can see him. and maybe he will go to the "movie under the stars" with me next Thursday. I really miss him. And its making me go nuts that I can't see him today.... DAMN ME BEING GROUNDED! damn him iming me when i am grounded. oh well im off to do laundry. more updates later
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[02 Sep 2004|05:18pm] |
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oh god.... where to begin
after last ngiht, i havent stopped thinking about Ryan.... I mean.... wow... he imed me on his own... and this is what was said
( Convo w/Ryan )
I was almost crying when he imed me... idk.. i miss him alot. cause i had alot of fun with him... but idk. i hope he meant it... im tryin to get him to come over, cause he wanted to see me. but hes not comin back from bein away. so idk
oh well. i gotta go clean up my room a bit. ill update later
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[31 Aug 2004|02:04pm] |
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Wow. Today was my first day of classes. I had Introduction to Human Communication and Gym
My gym teacher is the same guy I had for gym in 8th grade. lol. I have Tina in most of my classes as well.
But, I seen people I didn't want to see like Alex and Kim. But it happens. I'm waiting to see someone in particular. so I'm gonna spend some free time in the library tomorrow, maybe I'll spot him. I haven't seen him since the end of April... and I really miss him alot.
After my second class, me and Tine chilled with Jon, his friend Casey, and her friend Kevin. (Kevin's cute). And it was fun. I called Jon and he came up to the campus to visit. hehe. I <3 Jon.
Okay. Theres really not much else to say. I have to go read the first chapter of my Communications book cause I need to know it for Thursday. I'll update tomorrow
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[29 Aug 2004|02:07am] |
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mood |
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 indescribable |
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yeah well........ im not gonna be goin out with anyone for a while. this is it.
im grounded for 2 weeks cause i was out passed my curfew. tonight was the worst night. i had my dad almost fucking choking me, and slamming his hands against my face. my mother almost punching the shit out of me. i need to get the fuck out of here. im thinking about calling CPS on myself. I'm still a minor. but idk if it would work.
i cant even sit down and have a normal ADULT conversation with them. this is why i am the way i am. they fucked me up. they think my friends are bad influences, well guess what, theyre not. my parents are the one treating me like im being treated, and making me "rebel". if they dont like it that much, they shouldve fucking kicked me out months ago.
idk. idk idk idk. the whole way home tonight, i was having my first nervous breakdown. i swear. i almost pulled out fistfulls of my hair. its too much to handle now. im not going to bed i cant take it.
well, i dont think anyone cares. but i felt like writing it anyway. no one understands. you all think i have it great. when in reality i dont. i get fucking threatened, and screamed at on a daily fucking basis. well guess what people. my life is pretty SHITTY. which is why i act mad shady half the time. i know i act like it, and i know you all know it... so why dont u all just point it out to me soemtimes... i wouldnt be such a jackass.......
to everyone ive probably hurt in the past 2 weeks - im sorry for everything. im an asshole. you should stay away from me cause apparenty, according to my parents im nothing but a bad influence and trouble. i hate my life.
so much for my kitten... :(
So this is strange... the painful realization that ALL has gone wrong... and nobody cares at all...
this is me in emo mode.... i knew it was bound to happen sometime soon.... *sigh* I really am sorry for everything I've dont in the past 2 weeks to anyone I've hurt.... I'm an asshole, and I shouldn't be alive right now..
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[28 Aug 2004|11:14am] |
I hope your conscience eats at you
and you can't breathe without me
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[26 Aug 2004|11:13pm] |
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im movin out when i turn 18
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[21 Aug 2004|04:23pm] |
ive been thinking alot. maybe i dont love him. maybe i love what we had. and im just not getting over it. whatever. i dont care. hes joining the army. and he wants nothing to do with me, so whatever. idc anymore. he can have fun, and if he once again bothers me to get back together, im not gonna.
i've decided to wait til college to get into another relationship, because i dont think i can take it right now. im still pissed about the whole will thing. i just wish that i had the grades to go away. but hey, everything happens for a reason right? well, thats what i believe at least. so, hopefully, within a few weeks of my frist semester, ill have met someone, and will have formed a relationship,
the whole scott thing, i like him alot. but idk. it just feels too weird. and im going to tell him this.
i started my new job yesterday, and it kind of sucks.
okay. thats it. i think im done with my ranting. im going to leave you all with a quote.
"Come home, now that you're gone
I've finally realized That you were the best
Come home, I won't forget the times that we had
So please don't be a part of my past"
(im gonna miss you when youre at the army...)
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[15 Aug 2004|03:44pm] |
One boy, one girl, two hearts, their world
Time goes by, secrets rise
One more, sad song, tears shed, she's gone
She'd take it back, if she only could
All the perfect words they seem so wrong,
She's gone
You wish that you could learn to see,
The door is closed and yo wish you could be
Alone with you, alone with me
What can I do, I can not breath
My heart is torn, for all to see
Alone with you, alone with me.
Best friend, worst thing, she's been, cheating
Friend deceives, she leaves
Last date. she cries, whispers, goodbye
She walks once more, out that door
Please stay, don't go away
The hardest thing is letting go of you
Stay, don't go away
The hardest thing is letting go of you
what can I do?
Alone with you, alone with me, what can I do
I can not see, alone with, alone with...
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[15 Aug 2004|03:33pm] |
♥
i roll the window down and then begin to breathe in
the darkest country road and the strong scent of evergreen
from the passenger seat as you are driving me home
then looking upwards i strained my eyes and tried to
tell the difference between shooting stars and satellites
from the passenger seat as you are driving me home
do they collide? i ask and you smile.
with my feet on the dash, the world doesn't matter.
♥
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| *sigh* idk what to do anymore. |
[14 Aug 2004|12:47pm] |
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Sunshine // Lil Flip |
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oaky. im tired of this. i got rob tellin me that wills fuckin with my head. and idk what to do anymore. im tired of it!! i wanna be with him, but maybe, its not worth it since hes leavin in october. cause theres no way i can be with someone whos gonna be gone for a while, and only back on a months leave once a year. maybe its best to just meet someone else, and move on. idk. i jsut font wanna be played with i mean. rob was all "yeah he fucked my ex gf when we were on our way home from the road test". im just all.. "wow" idk what to believe anymore. I still love the guy. And I still wanna be with him. But it looks like its not gonna happen.
maye the 7 months me and him were together, was a huge mistake.... and chillen with him on thursday night on my boat was an even bigger mistake. maybe i just need to put him out of my life if what rob is tellin me is true.
but then again, he told me "i want you back" and hes had 5 freaking chances to get me back, none of which he took. so maybe... he really is playin with me... i hate gettin played.
and hes been actin madd shady. and i dont want to deal with that at all.. mabe tonights good for me. gettin away from the will situation, and seein jimmy. idk. maybe i just dont want a relationship... idk.. idk what i want..
maybe ill just fuck around some more. until first semesters up. cause i know i wont be able to focus if i got a bf,... id be spendin WAY too much time w/him... *sigh* wahtever. idk what i want.
will has me so confused. i just need to know what he wants, and if he wants me still... cause if not... then im done with him... im not gonna be waiting for him anymore... idk why i do it.. maybe because i was actually really happy with him? idk... i cant figure any of this out.
will... what do you want. i need to know...
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[12 Aug 2004|01:09pm] |
todays the perfect day to tan. its 80 degrees. nice....
im trying to figure out whats going on between me and will. me, D, josh and will are all going to the movies tonight, so idk. i guess ill find out tonight. im a little nervous. but who knows. Guarav is gonna be freaking pissed @ me cause im not gonna be at his house tonight. but whatever. if he calls me, im having someone pick the phone up.
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[11 Aug 2004|09:32am] |
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wow. yesterday... idk. im so confused about whats happening between me and will now. yesterday was teh most weirdest thing ive done. i was @ the mall w/him. but........ we were just.... blah chillen.. and he would put his arms around me, or hold my hand... or something... and i think when danielle was finished ranting about TJ, will hugged me. and idk. it felt right. i was being held very close...... and it felt good again. then he kissed me. wow. idk. i missed it. i missed the way it felt when he touched me. idk i gtta go. nails! :)
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| Cruise |
[06 Aug 2004|07:42pm] |
Day 1: for the first 5 hours on the boat, me and kellie spent alot of time in our room just chillen, waitinf for our luggage. once we got it, we walked around, and explored for a while. then we went to dinner. our dinner buddies were Lisa and Adam. they're newley weds. After dinner we went to bed..... not an exciting day.
Day 2: we were supposed to arrive in CoCoCay for the day, but a storm was heazded our way, so we set sail for Nassau. I got a massage. omg. it was so nice. We arrived in Nassau at about 5:00 PM. I stayed on the boat after dinner, while Kellie, Terry and my mom went off onto the island to explore a bit. I guess I realized that I'm not a night person... or I just don't like to go out at night. I like to sleep!! or watch movies.... Well, while they were exploring the Island, I ordered some room service, and watched "Somethings gotta give". I think I took maybe 1 or 2 showers, and finally went to bed.
Day 3: Woke up, took a shower, went to breakfast with Kellie @ the buffet. Then we went on the Island. I took alot of pictures. Which shall go on my webpage that I am making tonight. :p I got my hair braided, then we all (my mom, me, kellie, and terry) went snorkeling. After snorkeling, me and my mom rented a floating beach mat and floated in the water for a while. I collected alot of shells. then I went to the souvinear shop and bought shot glasses galore. I flirted with the photo guy from Turkey... cause his accent was sexy. I drank alot. My mom bought me alot of alcohol as well. Its all good.
As I was getting ready for the formal night, i aws coming out of the bathroom and my knee popped out of place. DISLOCATION ONCE AGAIN!! :( got. I screamed. It hurt ALOT!!! Then I went to dinner. Dinner was cool. Then for the rest of the night I just chilled in my cabin, took many showers, and slept.
Day 4: Well, I woke up at around 11:30, and went outside to the pool decl to tan for about 30 minutes. I got some color. lol. Then I found my mom and had lunch with her. Then we went shoppng for Alcohol. Nothing exciting really happened. We spent the day sailing back to Port Caneveral. BORING! VERY BORING! I almost won the jackpot in BINGO though. But I didnt. It was just a day to chill out and relax. Which is what I did the whole time. :)
All in all, i had an interesting trip. I realized that im not the type of person that enjoys going out. I like it, but I dont like to do it all the time... or often. I did flirt alot.. but thats cause im a flirt. I'm happy I'm back in the states now. Couldnt take being out of the states anymore. Okay. I'm done. Gotta make my webpage. rah. I'll update when i get back from EPCOT!
<3- Nikki
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[02 Aug 2004|08:53pm] |
im on the ship right now. theres nothing much to do. im gonna head off to the gym in a little bit with kellie to work out. then tomorrow, im getting my nails done, and my eyebrows waxed, and then me and kellie are going tanning. after that, we're gonna do our shore excursions, and do this algae detox. supposevily, it will take about 1-8 inches off. ill update tomorrow night
I MISS EVERYONE!!!
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| for the trip |
[31 Jul 2004|09:56pm] |
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Lets get retarted // Black Eyed Peas |
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okay. I'm creating an AOL webpage for the cruise. So, tonight, I'll be searching for cool GIF files for the webpage. :) All my pictures are going on there. And there will be special pages for beaches... clubs... the boat.... me and people.... and epcot. :) lol
Me and Kellie have things planned out. Finally :)
On CoCoCay, I think she's going to be doing parasailing, and then we're going to the Waterpark. Then for the next 2 days we're going to be in Nassau. the first or second day, we're going to explore the Island. But one of the days we're doing a snorkeling thing. I can't freaking wait. I'm gonna keep a little diary, so I can write in detail what we did. I think when Kellie goes parasailing, I'm gonna stay on the boat and tan my little ass off.
Okay. I have to go finish packing. I'll update the day I get back. :)
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[30 Jul 2004|07:17pm] |
Monday I leave for the Bahamas. :) I'm happy.
And I'm with Mike. *happy* I'm actually happy. Didn't expect that to happen. So I'm happy! lol
5 minutes til the new "Thats so Raven" episode...... hahaha
I'll update the MINUTE I GET HOME WHEN I GET BACK!
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| will... its all his fucking fault... |
[28 Jul 2004|11:30pm] |
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Happy Ending // Avril Lavigne |
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( Read more... )
I love the perks of being a wallflower. its a great book. and alot of quotes from there help me out alot.
I'm not doing too great. Tonight was the first time I felt the urge to cut myself in the longest time... but I didnt... but you dont understand how much I wanted to. It's all Will's fucking fault. I hate him so much for hurting me like that... He can go around saying that I hurt him, but fuck no. When you get dumped for another fucking girl, and get told that he found something better and shes treating him better, it hurts so much. And I didn't treat him bad either. No... as much as it hurts.. I'm just really angry at him.
I can't fucking take it anymore. No one has any clue. I'm crying as I write this. I havent cried about this in a long time. Its probably the song I'm listening to. But idk anymore. He really hurt me.. and I had thought that he wouldn't... cause he loved me so much.. or at least thats what he told me. You can't tell someone that you love them, and then hurt them like this. That's not normal. I CAN'T TAKE IT!!!!!!
EVERYTHING BEFORE THIS!! EVERYONE BEFORE WILL! I never loved alex. I never loved Ryan, Rob, Rob, Paul, Mike C., Karl, Chris.. none of them.... they didn't mean anything to me.. I just got attached.. And I thought that I deserved them. But I did deserve better. I thought that I really did love will... but I'm starting to doubt that now..
I did fall for Mike though. And that's a good thing. But I just can't shake the fact that everything Will said to me.. was probably lies... I'm just so angry. I'm not even upset. Everything, its just anger towards him.....
I have to go throw up... I feel shitty..........
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[28 Jul 2004|10:51pm] |
Three important rules for breaking up
Don't put off breaking up when you know you want to
Prolonging the situation only makes it worse
Tell him honestly, simply, kindly, but firmly
Don't make a big production
Don't make up an elaborate story
This will help you avoid a big tear jerking scene
If you wanna date other people say so
Be prepared for the boy to feel hurt and rejected
Even if you've gone together for only a short time,
And haven't been too serious,
There's still a feeling of rejection
When someone says she preferres the company of others
To your exclusive company,
But if you're honest, and direct,
And avoid making a flowery emotional speech when you brake the news,
The boy will respect you for your frankness,
And honestly he'll apeciate the kind of straight foward manner
In which you told him your decision
Unless he's a real jerk or a cry baby you will remain friends
Being attractive is the most important thing there is
If you wanna catch the biggest fish in your pond
You have to be as attractive as possible
Make sure to keep your hair spotless and clean
Wash it at least every two weeks
Once every two weeks
And if you see Johnny football hero in the hall
Tell him he played a great game
Tell him you like his article in the newspaper
I propose we support a one month limit on going steady
I think It will keep you both more able to deal with weird situations
And get to know more people
I think if you're ready to go out with Johnny
Now's the time to tell him about your one month limit
He wont mind he'll apreciate your fresh look on dating
And once you've dated someone else you can date him again
I'm sure he'll like it
Everyone will appreciate it
You're so novel, what a good idea
You can keep your time to your self
You don't need date insurance
You can go out with whoever you want to
Every boy, every boy in the whole world could be yours
If you'll just listen to my plan
THE TEENAGE GUIDE TO POPULARITY
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