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tears of blood

[ website | My Website ]
[ userinfo | blurty userinfo ]
[ calendar | blurty calendar ]

so yeah so tired so dead i have no energy but i cant sleep fuck. [24 May 2003|03:29pm]
[ mood | drained ]
[ music | chevelle ]

well i went to third street with andrew and crystal. and alex got mad about that cuz she didnt believe me that andrew wanted me to go. i told him 3 times i didnt want to go. but he begged me. oh and she didnt believe me that he wanted me to come over to his house. man i got jealous not that crystal has this thing with andrew but jessie seemed to like her more than me. but than she was playig with me cuz crystal wont play with her. haha i win this one. and really i dont care if andrew is with her yeah ah duh it hurts but im not goin to stop being friends with him is still want to be in touc with him some how and not just never see him again. he says we are friends and he doesnt want me to disapear from his life. I DONT CARE ANYMORE. i mean i was fine with them both there but i dont think crystal liked me being there. she never talks to me. i think she doesnt like me. but whatever. i think im just goin to tell andrew i want to hang with him when she is there. its not that i dont like her but its cuz i think she doesnt lime me being there. but whatever. DAMN I GOT TO STOP SAYIN WHATEVER but alex pissed me off so bad yesterday. i dont fuckin care. and this is what happen i had fuckin fun except the part when andrew stole my NEW pack of cigs. ah fuck you. but OMG i got the cutest shit ever. i got a skirt with navy blue and pink stripes, new black shoes, the cutest hat at urban outfiters. than THE cutest hot pink sweater thing with a fatty skully on it, and the hottest jacket you would ever see. so hot so hot. haha i made andrew get tighter pants haha.


but yeah after that i was talkin to charlie all night he wants me to get with goodnight yeah right to bad ryan has no intrest at all. but whateve. i had to go to work at 1 AM YEAH IN THE MORNING till 715 pickin up boxes dont ever want to do that again to bad im doin it again tonight ewwwwwwwww.

tomorrow im goin to take mall pictures with jose yay its goin to be hot. then im goin to ang with charlie and jenny. fun i am cupid. to bad like i have been talkin to charlie and like i dunno im diggin him but whatever.


haha robin is a slut shit i hope when i get down there i can get fucked . haha with andrew there. that would be funny. hahaha. id be hittin on the army men and id leave with one and hell be like um hey like he always does gets jealous whe i talk or im goin out with other guys but whatever im not his so i can do whatever i want to.

yay goin to grandmas i dunno why that is yay cuz its nothing but shit loads of mexicans


ojh i saw jenna and logan last nite they are so cute <3333 jenna thinks andrew is FINE ah duh.

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i was but im close still once again [21 May 2003|12:51pm]
erich
You are 100% straight edge


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my heart has been scratched by a former love [19 May 2003|04:57pm]
[ mood | jealous ]
[ music | my big fat greek wedding hmm ]

i talked to him today asked him if we were chill he said we were so i was kinda happy. i love his skully jeans......i need to get him tighter jeans. he needs to meet everyone.thats bout it.

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my heart has been scratched by a former love [19 May 2003|12:14pm]
[ mood | awake ]
[ music | the all american rejects ]

call him yesterday it was kinda like nothing was wrong we just like talked umm we did our usual flirt fight about music. hmm blah

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please just dont play with me my paper heart will bleed. [19 May 2003|10:58am]
[ mood | awake ]
[ music | the all american rejects ]

Five details about you...
[x] you dont like most of my music
[x] you says my drivin sucks
[x] you are breakin my heart
[x] you are so mad at me
[x] i am so sorry

Five details about your appearance right now...
[x] black skirt
[x] black shirt
[x] my pink jacket
[x] skully shoes
[x] fuckin perfect hair

Five things you did today...
[x] smoked a cig
[x] helpped liz start a blurty
[x] think of you
[x] not call you
[x] started a journal so i can talk to you

Five memorable things you did in the last year...
[x] met you
[x] played pool with you
[x] fell asleep on the floor next to you
[x] massaged you
[x] goin to awsome shows with you

Five things that everyone should know about you...
[x] it hurts me when your mad at me
[x] i like touching you
[x] i dunno what to ever say to you
[x] i hate the word "i love you"
[x] i have more than friend feelings for you

Five favorite groups...
[x] Taking Back Sunday
[x] From Autumn to Ashes
[x] The Rocket Summer
[x] The Used
[x] H2O

Five favourite songs...
[x] You're So Last Summer- Taking Back Sunday
[x] This Is Me - The Rocket Summer
[x] The Taste If Ink - The Used
[x] San Dimas High School Football Rules- The Ataris
[x] Cigarette- Yellowcard

Five favourite movies...
[x] fifth element
[x] murder by numbers
[x] south park video's
[x] matt crazy video
[x] x2

Five things that make you happy...
[x] fighting bout which music that does and doesnt suck with you
[x] playing with your lil sister
[x] smelling you
[x] goin to shows with you
[x] being with you

five people who mean a lot to you...
[x] you
[x] you
[x] you
[x] you
[x] robin

Five things that disgust you...
[x] you drinkin
[x] images of you and crystal
[x] you being so mad at me
[x] raves
[x] you not talkin to me

Five things that impress you...
[x] when you skate
[x] listenin to you sing along
[x] how you dont have limits like me
[x] your eyes
[x] your freckles

Five things that don't impress you...
[x] when i see you with other girls
[x] when chris said you kissed robin
[x] when you break my heart
[x] when you think its funny to make fun of my music
[x] when you are with crystal

Five things you can't live without...
[x] you
[x] your music
[x] your eyes
[x] your smell
[x] your freckles

Five things you'll do when you complete this...
[x] think of you
[x] work trying not to think of you
[x] not sleepin and thinking of you
[x] smoke a cig
[x] fight of the tempt to call you

Five things you feel right now...
[x] sad
[x] lonely
[x] hurt
[x] angery
[x] hurt



this is all about you

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here in this dairy i write you visions of my summer [17 May 2003|03:15pm]
::2 weeks:: well i called him this morning. i talked to him and try to make him see my side of the story. i mean not to be mean but he is judgemental torwards people like the boys. and i really wanted them to meet eachother. but whatever. he just pissed me off but yeah so he gets a fone call when im trying to talk to him so then he says hes goin to call me back. ok im sitting and its been killing me this hole time is he ever goin to talk to me again?? so i called him and i tryed to get it out of him and hes like well i was planning on callin you later. dont feel lie finishin this but whateva its his choice to talk to me or not he jsut need to tell me
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cry untill there is no more tears scream untill my lungs bleed [14 May 2003|12:47pm]
[ mood | blah ]
[ music | ember??? ]

::day 11:: i have been talkin to matt for the past couple of days trying to figure out what axm is so mad at he didnt kno but he will try to find out and try to get him to talk to me. he said call me tomorro and i tell you. well he wasnt answerin figured he was w/ axm so i called from my house fone. he was with friends which meant he was with him. but he sai dhes really mad and he doesnt want to talk to me matt said he tryed to make him but he wouldn't which hurts so bad to hear. i mean fuck what did i do so bad. so i paged him. and guess what he lost his page so this is his message word for word "hey whats up it's andrew my pager is in a place where i cant find it (giggle) so maybe im not gettin to you as soon as im suppose to but leave a message and ill get to you as soon as possible." and you know what that lil fuck is doin. in the back ground you hear afi he doesn't like afi he said the singer sucks and they are to bass tone. what the fuck hes is listenin to afi. i mean dont gett me wrong i love afi but HE IS LISTENING TO AFI. and the worst this is the song i love this song but the word mean something from him to me. its bleed black : what died that night may never be brought back to life again. wft does that mean i mean come on fo all the song he puts that one on. god i listen to the message alot to hear his voice or just to figure out what it means. but when i heard it i blow up on my message. i was so shocked. i was so mad when we were together i was tryin to get him to like them and now when we arent together his is listening to them. you kno he is thinkin of me when he plays them. cuz fuck afi yeah favorite band. but yeah talked to matt yesterday i asked him should i leave him alone and he will talk to me when hes ready or if i leave him alone he will neevr talk to me again. matt said leave him alone for awhile then talk to him. ok so heres my plan get a hold of lisa find out when his next softball game is at. and show up with a rose get down on my knees and beg for forgivness. and explain to him im missed his voice. i missed him say how much my driving sucks. i missed him sayin goodnight i luv you. i missed his heavenly smell.

i am so sorry i am so sorry.I AM SO SORRY i am so sorry i am so sorry i am so sorry i am so SORRY how may time do i have to say im sorry for you to forgive me im sorry

i miss you. i love you. im sorry.

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everyday i wake late to quit my day job i have been safe [09 May 2003|11:25am]
[ mood | depressed ]
[ music | the ataris ]

day 6 wakin up with eyes full of tears i dreamt of him all night i keep on wakin up crying. i can cry in my sleep but i cant cry when im awake im just waittin for him to call and be all chelsea im sorry i love you i cant not talk to you. but you kno he can live with out me and that makes me so sad.

a tear leaves her eye as she hangs up the fone. why can't you say he doesn't want to talk to you. why don't you just say um he's avoiding you so stop calling. she just crys so hard she doesn't know how to stop.all she said was nothing and now he has no time for her and he wont answer her pages. all she can do is cry and sit all alone confused. all he's doin is hurting her. well her saddness has turned to anger. all she wants to do is go up to him and say Fuck You. all she wants is for him to be hurt as much as he is hurting her.


i hope you think that was me. i hope you smell me. i hope you think you heard my voice. i hope when you close your eyes you dream of me. because you miss me because you love me. i hope when you saw her you thought of me. i hope when you listen to them you thought of me. i hope when you go through things you find a little piece of me. because you miss me because you love me.

because i thought that was you. because i always smell you. because i dream of you because i miss you because i love you. because when i saw him i thought it was you. because when i listen to them and think of you. because when i go through thing i found pieces of you. because i miss you because i love you.


why are you breakin my heart. and not just cuz you don't want to be with me but because you dont even want to be friends with me. why are you doin this to me. what have i done to you that i deserve this treatment. cuz really i did not do one god damn thing to you. i make sure i treate you like a god because i love you. you are no where near a god but i look up to as something that could never be touch by my hands you are to great for my poor hands. you are to grand for me even to look at. you are one of my closest friends i would never push you away. you are makin me. i might as well let go.

i might not be cryin on the outside. but the inside is a mess. all tourn up. my heart can no longer beat. i can not breath i can not eat. all i can do is sleep.

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want to kno me here you go [08 May 2003|12:15pm]
[ mood | angry ]
[ music | copeland ]

Five details about you...
[x] music freak
[x] the used volvo
[x] acm
[x] works at vons
[x] works at picture people who ya fuck ya

Five details about your appearance right now...
[x] cut off jeans
[x] messy hair
[x] white thurmal crappy one cuz andrew have my favorite one
[x] teary eyes
[x] very bad morning breath

Five things you did today...
[x] clean my awful dirty care
[x] get a fone call from picture people
[x] pick up alex and jose
[x] pick up tracey
[x] work at vons

Five memorable things you did in the last year...
[x] gradstuff
[x] warped tour
[x] met andrew
[x] hate christie and mark
[x] met the hole h2o band and toby walked me out!!

Five things that everyone should know about you...
[x] even if i smile im not happy
[x] just cuz im nice to doesnt mean i like you
[x] im not a lez
[x] i hate the word "i love you"
[x] i love andrew c morris

Five favorite groups...
[x] Taking Back Sunday
[x] From Autumn to Ashes
[x] The Rocket Summer
[x] Pioson the Well
[x] H2O

Five favourite songs...
[x] You're So Last Summer- Taking Back Sunday
[x] This Is Me - The Rocket Summer
[x] Slice Paper Wrist- Pioson the Well
[x] San Dimas High School Football Rules- The Ataris
[x] Cigarette- Yellowcard

Five favourite movies...
[x] White Fang
[x] Queen of the Damned
[x] The Sleepers
[x] Empire Records
[x] x2

Five things that make you happy...
[x] music
[x] shows
[x] my used volvo
[x] my friends
[x] being in the fotolab

five people who mean a lot to you... ((in no order))
[x] all the martinez
[x] erin
[x] Robin/andrew/chris/matt
[x] paganos
[x] some people at vons Charlie Thomas Dan Donna Kara Sue etc.

Five things that disgust you...
[x] drinking/drugs
[x] images of andrew and crystal
[x] whiggers
[x] raves
[x] robin being so fuckin far away

Five things that impress you...
[x] skaters
[x] people that just say no
[x] people that can heal fast from a broken heart
[x] all my friends
[x] anyone not like andrew/ the thing with chirs and robin

Five things that don't impress you...
[x] braggers
[x] druggies
[x] hip bones
[x] people that walk around thinkin that they are hot
[x] nick

Five things you can't live without...
[x] my friends
[x] music
[x] eyeliner
[x] my cat
[x] my car

Five things you'll do when you complete this...
[x] clean my car
[x] take a shower
[x] drink orange juice
[x] smoke a cig
[x] fight of the tempt to call andrew

Five things you feel right now...
[x] sad
[x] lonely
[x] hurt
[x] angery
[x] annoyed

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and yeah ill be the 1st to say ill listen to u but remember whats rite 4 me mit3 not be rite 4 u [08 May 2003|09:17am]
[ mood | crushed ]
[ music | the beautiful mistake ]

its day number 5 and he still hasnt talked to me and im just hurt if he asked me whats wrong now i would tell him it just fuckin sucks that hes not talkin to me. its just a childish game that hes playin. i just want to cry. and its hard to have the day go by and him not talkin to me or me not pagin him or callin it would be easier if i didnt have my cell fone again. its just so tempting.


ah just fuck it. why does he have to toy with my feelings like this. i hate males.

i hate you andrew c. morris


but the sad thing is i dont i love him so much i hate him ya kno

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god send me and angel to heall this broken heart cuz all i do is cry [06 May 2003|03:21pm]
[ mood | hurt ]
[ music | the lyndsay diaries ]

fuck damn shit. no matter how hard i try to let him go i can't. i love him so much still. but he's with crystal now and i just need to let go. but we are still friends. but that just makes it ten times harder. when we went to the movies i kept on breathin him in, so i covered my mouth and nose with my scarf so i would breath him in and fall in love with him again. which really didn't work cuz him just next to me and my temps to try to hold him didn't work "we are just friends" kept on playing through my head, i could even try. but if he just held my hand and thats all i would have been fine with. but no but when the movie was over i was find just tired and calm and alittle hurt. he knew something was wrong but there really wasn't and if there was he already knows what is wrong. he cant be that blind, or can he be? but i have talked to him in 3 days cuz hes mad cuz at me for not tell him what is wrong with me and really i think it is a childish game and he is being and asshole. i fell liek doin what i usaully do at these times but i dont really want to. god but he has really pissed me off this time i seriously am from now on just goin to drop it. see the hole reason i started this journal is so i can talk bout andrew all i want and alex wont see it and i wouldnt get yelled at for it. hmm i mean what can i say i love her but i love him and she is sick of hearing bout him so i need to tell someone and why cant that someone be this journal. im just really tired of everything right now thats kinda why i got the second job so i would get away from andrew so i can get away from somepeople so i can get away from my family. well but it will keep me away from the things i love too but i will deal with it for awhile i need money and i need to get away from somethings. just the things that hurt me to much for me to handle right now im not sure i would able to deal with it and do something stupid to myself..like i usaully do. fuck im hurting bad right now i hate these feelings hurt and pain and anger. and love. it just hurts to much i want to cry but i cant i never can when i want to to just let go but it never happens.


but there is nothing else to do beside to let go. let go of him let go of everything.

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i can feel you dreaming of me i cant feel you dreaming of me [03 May 2003|01:15pm]
damn it for the past three nights i have been having a dreaming about andrew. and i am really sick of it. hes just a fuckin friend nothing more. they arent like hey theres andrew type of thing its like hey im fuckning andrew type of thing. it really pisses me off cuz i kno that i cant have him in that way but the dreams are just fucking killin me IT FUCKING HURTING ME SO BAD. it makes me not want to see him in real life, in other words it makes me not want to see him. but i am goin to today. we were suppose to go to cvd but its close cuz of the damn rain. dont get me worng i love the rain but not when it ruins something fun i have planned. damn it.
so we are goin to see x men 2 yay im siked!! but i wna t jose to go but he doesnt want to go see it at night. but me and andrew have chores to do. so it wont owrk out like that ya kno but owell if he wants to be like that.
i need a smoke hmm... well goin to finish my fuckin chores then goin to see my andrew
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fuckin bored [03 May 2003|12:34am]
holding hands
hand holding - you like to be in constant physical
contact with your special someone but you don't
want to take things too quickly.


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Blue Eyes


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i can feel you waitin for me as the sun retrieve through the hills [02 May 2003|01:57pm]
[ mood | amused ]
[ music | something corp ]

fuck why not i decided to do one of these journals. its the cool thing to do right al lready have a dj why not one of these too.

fuck yeah cut my own hair today i think it looks pretty good for the first time

well i fuckin have to go to work eww

.fuck you.

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