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1st January 2004
next year i'm going to have someone to make-out with. :
that, and let go of certain things. like the time two years ago when i pasted a picture of my friends bunny into one of my zines. and she was holding it close up and you could see her bracelets in the background. and how i wrote gabba gabba we accept you, we accept you, one of us (or however it goes, i haven't listened to the ramones in ages). that was magic, it really was.
how people told us we were like the girls in ghostworld. but especially how we hardly speak anymore and how she always smells like smoke.
next year i'm going to move on. i'm still young! i've got the whole world ahead of me, right?
things will be better.
Current Music: joy division-ceremony
31st December 2003
last night, after i finished watching AUTUMN SPRING (excellent foreign flick, really fxcking excellent) my former best friend nicole called. it was such an unexpected surprise, and it was just really great talking to her again. i don't know if we can ever be friends like we were, but at the same time i dont think we'll completely ignore each other in the future, which is good. :
she invited me to a new years party at her friends house, but i dont really feel up to it. i hardly think they're gonna sit around sober, and i dont want to be around a bunch of kids i dont know being bored and uncomfortable out of my mind.
i had a boca pizza with meatless pepperoni and sausage, it was disgusting :-/
Current Music: elliott smith-waltz no.1
29th December 2003
yesterday i cleaned out my drawers of old poetry, ticket stubs, and photographs. immediately after throwing them out i grew neurotic and hoped nobody would care enough to go through my trash. :
i just don't know what to do with myself anymore.
Current Music: bob dylan-it ain't me babe
27th December 2003
it's so lame the things i post here but i suppose it doesn't matter since flip is really the only other person (other than myself) who reads this. and it is a blurty, so blurt i will. :
cassie, i don't think i need to apologize anymore, it won't do much to really fix things. but i do want to tell you how much your letter meant to me. i received it the day of my birthday and it really made me happy. things were really shxtty at home and that night was honestly one of the worst nights of my entire life. i was feeling really desolate and terrible and home didn't feel like home anymore, if you know what i mean.
so i basically packed every bit of what's important to me in my bag, and your letter was right there in the front pocket (and still is to this day). though i haven't answered or written anything in return your letter truly brought endless amounts of comfort, and for that i am eternally grateful.
it all makes me feel worse for not writing back or even letting you know how much positive change and goodness you've unknowingly given to me, and i hope that we will reaquaint (sp?) ourselves with each other quickly. it's probably really lame to say, but you really are important to me, and i value our friendship more than you could imagine.
1st December 2003
i've never been as surprised as i was today. michelle wrote me the most amazing letter, it was totally a confessional on how much she valued my friendship, so out-there and sincere, something that i wouldn't even write in my journal because i'm a coward like that. i was so blown away, i was nearly crying in second period and i swear i've NEVER felt like that, i got a lump in my throat and my stomach was bunching up, i couldn't even feel my heart beating it was mad. :
i was so teary-hearted and ecstatic that i had had such an impact on anyone that i bought a doughnut for this kid i hardly know, and donated the rest of my dollar-bills to charity. the same kid returned the dollar when he got change, which is really nice because he surely didn't have to. and i just felt nice that whole morning because michelle is such a sweetheart. i want to buy her an entire record store but i know it wouldn't matter if i gave her that or a mix-tape or nothing but a card for xmas because she's just cool like that.
so blown away. i was SO blown away.
Current Music: radiohead-fake plastic trees
24th November 2003
there are so many things i take for granted, and i dont say that because thanksgiving is a few days away. i say it because i'm helplessly lonely as a result of losing friendhips i took for granted. it seems i'm never happy with what i've been dealt and instead search ceaselessly for better things. that's what i get, i suppose. :
it took me fifteen years to realize that sitting and watching, sitting and watching, sitting and watching, sitting, watching and waiting. it took me fifteen years to realize that that would get me absolutely nowhere and leave me lonely and cynical and even more aimless.
so what i want for my birthday is to actually be somebody instead of wishing i were.
that, or a really, really good book.
Current Music: radiohead-my iron lung
1st November 2003
it's kind of simple to make me happy, really. :
early sweet sixteenth gift from my beautiful mother: "marc by marc jacobs nylon pocketbook" in cilantro.
ordered it from the internet, my fingers will be crossed for the next few weeks.
30th October 2003
i can 'play' needle in the hay as of today. i got bar chords down (kind of) and it is reminiscent of elliott's playing and i'm pretty ecstatic about it. i've made the most progress in terms of learning the guitar the past two days than i have the past..what, year? :
meanwhile, i'm yearning for a beautiful marc jacobs bag i saw. i was going to ask for it as a 16th birhday present, but things are tough for my mom so after much debating i decided to save up for it, which may mean watching it disappear as the Winter 2003 season rolls in. but if i do, then it's my fault anyway, i shouldn't have been so careless with my money in the first place.
that's what i keep telling myself.
i've been laughing and smiling and speaking loudly a lot lately. but there's this sadness in everything. and i hate looking people in the eyes, because i instantly fall in love with them. and it's just bad. everyday i think about the people i've cared for that i've let slip through and out of m life, and it's really pathetic.
tomorrow's halloween. and since i'm absolutely no fun i'm going to be bitter all day.
a few years ago my best friend called me. she was distraught and popping all sorts of weird pills because she wanted to die. i thought it was stupid and weak and a cry for help. i don't remember what was said, but she ended up being rushed to the hospital to drink chalky crap and was put in some white room for a little while.
i'm a murderer. i let her go and she'll never be the same person again. and we'll find happiness in other places and not even say hello to each other in the halls.
what's sad is that she forgave me. what's sad is she called from a payphone crying, and sayng it was nice to talk to me. what's said is that about a month ago she apologized to me for not being there.
Current Music: REM-everybody hurts
27th October 2003
i went periods one through four with a minor head/heart ache hoping jason would be in fifth period gym. the unluckiest lucky thing of all was that, because of the unfit-for-breathing air, we spent all gym in our normal clothing chatting in the gym, but no, i couldn't have a meaningful conversation instead i sat and felt sad and wallowed claustrophobically amidst really skinny girls in really short skirts and expensive miss sixty jeans. :
and sixth period in studio, i had to change into the tightest black pants on earth so my studio partner, sean, could take pictures of me. really though, he was nice about it. i felt sorry that out of all the people in class he got stuck with me, someone who isn't photogenic and not always cooperative.
it was supposed to be a window into my soul or whatever, so there were a bunch of books and a fan blowing the pages all melodramatically and it all made my nose run and the flashes (pop! pop!) gave me a headache for the next two hours. they were so intense.
he said that i looked good, which was nice of him.
but i haven't really had a good day, and it's been ages since i've really talked and laughed with a "friend" and i feel lonely and minorly afraid that it will last forever.
i'm full of regrets now.
Current Music: bob dylan-a hard rain is gonna fall
23rd October 2003
elliott smith is dead. :
i heard it from frances at school yesterday. she's kind of a pathological liar. i heard it from some other people who heard it from KROQ. i don't like KROQ. i saw some girl do a bit on MTV news about his death. i don't like MTV. i watched a kid do a search on the internet. some reputable source, something about a single stab wound to the chest, and i thought, maybe, maybe, maybe...
and i wrote "r.i.p. elliott smith (heart shape)" on my arm.
and i have a bad case of influenza. and everytime my head pounded i thought of elliott smith. and i thought, no. he couldn't have.
and it's the next day, two days later, and i visit the sweetadeline site and i visit his name dot com, and i read the things they've written, and i see pictures of little memorials, the figure eight swirls on a wall, pictures, poetry, candles lining the wall. and i see smiling pictures of him, and i listen to 'the biggest lie' incessantly. and i miss him a lot. maybe it's unfair to make comparisons, but this is more terrible than most deaths i've known of.
i think it's worse than kurt cobain's.
i really thought he was okay. but i don't suppose it was right of me to think that based solely on what i wanted to believe?
things are terrible.
Current Music: elliott smith-the biggest lie
11th September 2003
i got my driver's permit today, on september 11th which i think is cool in morbid ways. i've been really busy with AP classes, and making new "friends" which is good. being busy is good. : note to flip
i feel so horrible that i haven't mailed you any letters, i've written two since you last wrote to me but have yet to mail ithem. but i will mail you soon! i promise. love, love, love, liz.
that's all folks.
Current Music: bob dylan-i want you
9th August 2003
i'm just not a very good person. :
i'll care about the environment, and human rights, i'll argue about justice until my throat is sore, but you'll have to gouge my eyes out before i'll say i'm wrong.
i'm just not a very good person.
it may seem like i am because of my demeanor and the things i say, but actions speak louder than words, and mine say that i'm just not a very good person.
which is too bad.
7th August 2003
the libertines are fun
today i have no friends. :
it's strange. but it's okay. im not really complaining, because i'm not really unhappy. i wonder if i had any friends to begin with or if we were just humoring each other the whole time? there are some instances when what is at stake is worth more than your pride and self-worth, but it isn't so right now. i'm just pissed off that i feel i need to apologize when i haven't done anything wrong.
on a lighter note, sometimes i wish i were passive agressive instead of nonexistent.
i shop at amoeba because that's how i feel; amoebic.
but it's okay because i have a bob dylan cassette that i listen to when every body else is asleep. i sit on the sofa in the living room with the lights off and just stare off listening to bob dylan and the whrrrrr of the cassette tape spinning in my cheap cassette player.
and its okay to not have friends because i have a doctors appointment and my life is like a faulkner book.
no one really wants to read me; and no one really understands all of it.
sometimes i dont even know if i do or not.
but it's okay. have you heard the newest radiohead? it's excellent.
Current Music: thelibertines-timeforheroes
26th July 2003
thing are so good. well, they aren't really that good but i feel good. i feel really good. i feel really well. i'm really happy because i usually dont get much out of summer breaks but this one is just bursting with things to understand and learn. :
like, for example, i learned to just do what you feel like doing. if you want to shower someone with gifts for no reason, do it. if you want to give in to something, do it. if your mom is yelling and you want to yell back, scream at the top of your lungs (i did that and we both ended up just giggling). life is so much better when you don't hold back. yeh, occasinally they'll think you're crazy, obsessed, a pushover, psychotic, bitchy, pre-menstrual, whatever. most of the time they'll just love you for loving yous sake.
michelle went veggie too! it's good being a vegetarian. and it isn't difficult to stick with it because there is so much good food out there. and it may be a terrible thing to point out, but i dont think any one will disagree that its just way rad saying, "yeah, i'm a vegetarian" all pseudo-modestly as if it weren't one of the biggest changes in your life.
and i am so in love with everthing right
Current Music: the cure-close to me
23rd July 2003
flip dear: i got your letter whiles ago, and have written one in response, and hopefully i will mail it within the next few days. i miss you! :
san fracisco was beautiful. UC Berkeley was beautiful, beautiful, beautiful. a homeless man stole my heart and it's hanging out with him in front of the liquor store on Drumm st. los angeles makes me sad because it isn't a fourth as beautiful.
my friend is making a horror movie for her film and cinema class and i feel bad because i am being uncooperative. though, really, i am doing her a hell of a big favor seeing as how i hate being in front of the camera. and i'm at home typing up my summer essay about Winthrop and the early colonizers of New England though all I know about New England is that they make clam chowder!
so i'm bullshitting everything and wishing things were different.
Current Music: the vines-homesick
16th July 2003
summer is terrible, terrible, terrible because i have nothing to do and no one to do nothing with except myself and my teenage-girl bawling episodes. but friday morning we're boarding a plane to san francisco! and we're going to visit the stanford university and the berkeley campus, though berkeley is my 'reach' shool (liz, you dork) and stanford would never be a possibility, but i hear its a beautiful campus and i'm sure it's prettier than UCLA. :
i'm reading the grapes of wrath and it's excellent, i'm so sick of those books dealing with civil rights, black oppression and lots of other politically-correct things that supposedly make it a good book for high school kids to read. but the grapes of wrath is an exceelnt book, every word, like upton sinclair said, is perfection.
i'm excited about san francisco. i'm excited about staying in a hotel. i love hotels. they make me feel safe. it's like a city in one building.
Current Music: beck-the new pollution
3rd July 2003
i really like bob dylan. he makes these eighty-five degree days bearable.
Current Mood: infatuated
Current Music: bob dylan-hurricane
3rd May 2003
i just got the raddest looking dress. it's black with little white polka dots, and the top is all halter-like, cut in a low V with a long flowy bottom. it's just so hip and flattering and beautiful. it was real expensive too (thirty-five dollars, which may not be expensive to you but it certainly is to me) but it's going to be in my wardrobe forever (or at least until i'm out of school). i also got this lovely black sweater that has a shirt collar and shirt cuffs that are removable, and it's so rad and also so out of my price range. :
i'm so excited. i love clothing.
yesterday in PE i played basketball with jason (heart) and cyrus. i made one shot and threw ten balls into oblivion. it's crazy how bad i was. crazy and extremely embarassing! hex on gym class.
Current Music: joe strummer and the mescaleros-road to rock n' roll
14th April 2003
it was raining today. i went out with avi and we saw a movie that wasn't too good, and had food that wasn't too good, and bought stickers that made us feel very good, and lots of other things. i have michelle's birthday present ready over a month in advance! i'm so weird about stuff like that, i cannot wait to give it to her (partially because i bought myself similar bracelets and want to be able to wear them, and can't until after i give them to her or else she'll think i'm giving her some trash i found in my drawer) i wrapped up her gifts all rad-ly and it's just rad, rad, rad. :
but i blew forty of my fifty dollars on i'm not sure what.
oh yeah, the sondre lerche album! it's alright. he's so beautiful though. i called michelle the second after i bought it and everyone in the store was staring at me.
i'm going to make a shirt that says "i heart sondre lerche" with markers. heart in pink, of course.
avi and i were going to go to disneyland today, but like i said, it was raining. so i really hope we go tomorrow.
i'm knitting a pink/green scarf and i want to wear it.
Current Music: sondre lerche-modern nature
12th April 2003
i don't like the way i'm floating around this spring break. it seems like such a waste of time sitting at home and reading or knitting or spacing out and wondering how so and so is doing. but it's so dull and boring outside too, you should see los angeles this time of the year. it's so ugly. :
it's always so ugly, but particularly ugly when i'm alone and bored and uninspired.
the days are too long, i should be sleeping in.
the only bearable parts-of-day when school was in was being able to spy on certain people and jot down bad poetry in gym instead of playing basketball, and now i don't even have that!
sit and wait, sit and wait. that is all i do.
8th April 2003
it was really warm today. :
eveything is okay.
i finished my term paper. it is a piece of shxt.
it is still really warm.
i don't like it. !!!
Current Music: modest mouse-night on the sun
6th April 2003
i had the nicest little week end ever. :
except for the fact that i learned to dislike certain old people. i was on a really crowded bus going home from Fairfax so i was standing by the back exit. the bus comes to a stop, and this old man is making his way out so i move into the aisle to make way for him. he says "thanks". no problem! but then this old woman comes walking behind me, glaring and wobbling towards the exit, so i move out of the aisle to let her pass. and she says
"that's not a very good place to be standing when people are trying to exit blah blah blah"
and i begin trying to explain that i had moved for this kind man, but ended up stuttering and just saying nevermind.
so i make myself scarce as possible so she can exit and she yells
"so move into the aisle!"
!! two seconds ago she was walking down that aisle, i was just trying to move out of her way. i glared at her as she wobbled down the steps and everyone on the bus stared at me like i was the most devilish teen-ager ever.
what i hate even more is when people IM me and then automatically go on away message.
and i hate when their away message is "i think i'll go slit my wrists because the boy i 'love' loves someone else, boo hoo my life is so horrible compared to starvation, privatization of water, 420 innocent civilian casualties, little children who die of treatable illnesses before they reach puberty, waaa waaa someone give me love or i'll just kill myself, i will!
sometimes i think i'm a horrible person.
jason in approx. 27 hours.
3rd April 2003
school has been going real shitty lately, lots of Cs and Ds. but that's alright, because for the first time in forever everything is just so fine. :
so very, very fine.
lots of affection and goodness etc. etc. lots of etceteras. lots of jimi hendrix. almost too much of everything. i like being alone.
everyone is asking me if i'm depressed or lonely or sad or this or that, but i'm not any of those things! i'm such the extreme opposite of all those things because i live in my own perfect world and i don't care about any ones petty problems any more.
my only problem is wasting so much time at school not learning anything at all.
i don't think i'm going to answer the phone any more...we united just beside a leaf
the ground was hard underneath
Current Music: the jimi hendrix experience-she's so fine
26th March 2003
whispers in my ears and notebooks full of poetry. :
that is all i need right now.
it's weird getting out of certain situations, being relieved, and then falling back into them again happily and even more relieved.
so much more relieved!
i don't know what to say. i'm at a loss for words. things are just too..perfect.
Current Music: the red hot chili peppers-i could die for you
23rd March 2003
happy, happy, happy; all the time
it makes me happy knowing people who are far from good people have very bad days. :
it makes me happy to hear things mr. jason princess said about me to michelle, because it's good to know that someone knows who you are when you thought no one did.
it makes me happy making mix tapes and listening to good music all day, banging on my desk with paint brushes pretending i have rythym.
it makes me happy just being okay with everything.
and the fact that not everybody is a bad person, that there are good people, who have good days, or deserve to, that makes me even happier.
Current Music: the selby tigers-a robot's perspective