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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in
Give me the pain to fail. Loathe myself to sleep's Blurty:
| Thursday, June 1st, 2006 | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| 12:25 am | Im hereeee still here i mean i cant just up and leave blurty which has been here for all these years the only place where i can get out all the bad stuff rather than keep it inside me and robert are still together... since oct 19, 2005 so its gunna be 8 months soon i love this boy and love is hard especially long distance but we are trying to make it work and in a few months he may be living out here with me which would be nice cause i wont have to be lonely at nite in bed.. 2 more weeks till i see my babiee <3 Only thing is that i have a 29 hour bus ride on the greyhound bus and i have never taken it before and am scared cause tell me why EVERY time i take public transportation for long periods of time... some weirdo, perv, homeless person, or old mans always trying to talk to me or hit me up.. so imagine how this bus rides gonna be... eeekkk well its a new experience so meh.. theres a trip coming up with my school to paris, they are even going to 2 fashion shows and seeing all these exhibits and events fashion related.. i hope i can go its in the fall and it sounds amazing! I love traveling and europe is so pretty. Me and Robert wanna see the world someday... Thats all for now i just finished a 5 page paper and i am ready to lay down and wait for him to finish playing his video game and call me... but im here and im not leaving this thing!! How has everyone else been? | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Saturday, January 21st, 2006 | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| 9:52 pm | NEW SHIZZLEEEE New year and new man ive been with this boy 3 months and for the first time in my life I feel like this is someone i could settle down with hes an absolute sweetheart and way too good for me but this new lil update is gonna be pictures new ones ... enjoy  MY NEW PEIRCINGS  I look bad in this one   Me an my Robert       Fake mackin on a cute gay boi    /br> myfake stache on halloween  Me an lil 13 yr ol sis | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Sunday, September 18th, 2005 | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| 1:22 am | <3s are meant to be broken Boys act all cute they kiss me and hold my hand and give me hugs they ask me out say they wont fuck me over wont hurt me its gunna be different then they yell then they hate me then they stop talking to me they dont love me they lie they break my heart.. well only one (that one that made me so happy at one time, that one you see in those pictures) and since then i cant feel anymore i think something inside of me died but you were my heart and said you would never hurt it- why does it still hurt bad after all this time? you were the first one I EVER cared about you were the first one I wanted a future with you were the first one I NEVER cheated on you were the first one I ever LOVED i cant trust anymore i just want to forget but then you come back from no where and tell me you want to be with me again tell me that that month you stopped talking to me you were in trouble.. in rehab... you couldnt have contacted me at all? did u know that i cried everyday for 2 weeks till i couldnt cry anymore? couldnt sleep at nights because all i thought of was you and what I could have done wrong that made you hate me so bad? you tell me you want to see me and talk to me but when you say you do you never come through with those promises and again here I am looking like a fool but still wanting u and still wanting to love you and sitll wanting to be with you and missing you more and more and missing what we had... I DONT KNOW | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Sunday, August 7th, 2005 | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| 12:23 pm | Heres the last one of the day.. My <3     Current Mood: Meh... | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| 12:02 pm | Hrmm where did I leave off and how long has it been?? Bobby... Now EX boyfriend... thought he was great til he started treating me like shit, and yelling at me alot.. Was depressed for a long time (not just cuase of him though alot of factors ) then he broke up with me via text well actually his gf did... Did I care ? No apparently that pissed him off that I wasnt bawling my eyes out cause a few weeks later for 2 weeks straight I got blocked calls.. now he was the only one that ever called me 'private' even when we were going out, to leave me damn prank calls. Hmm why dont you save the effort and just damn call me from your house not like it isnt obvious who it is right? Well then I met Mike. My <3 we click so good and hes the sweetest bestest boy ever, problem being I barely see him. Alot of his friends have drama so the whole stick by ur friends thing, yeah so hes always off fixing their problems and what not or just getting kidnapped by them, so needless to say every time he tells me hes coming through is usually thwarted by this... So ya I dont know what do do other than that its all good but just that sux not seeing this boy that i like so so much its hard And then theres the depressed thing, for years Ive been trying to fight it but this year its been really bad I dont know. Its making me weak and i think alot and the more i think the more it seems like all i can do is give up. I realized that when I realized I have no purpose in life. Im getting so unmotivated in school and I havnet been for along time, nothing makes me happy anymore and its just hard. Alot of days I cry and cry and cant stop. Yesterday I cried all morning for a few hours I couldnt stop. I hate crying i feel like such a pussy, I feel so weak. But I finally stopped and then I felt all weak and drained. My parents kept asking if i was sick or worse yet doing drugs. But ya so then the weird shit happened. I went with caroline and 2 other kids and we smoked 2 bowls (thats nothing for me plus between so many ppl) we went to this other kids garage and had 2 more now his shit must have been too much for me ( i havent smoked in a few days) or something cause I was standing there i started feeling like i was going to puke. I told Caroline I wanted to go ad I felt really hot and light headed, everything started going out of focus and getting blurry like i would look and it was like going in slow motion, then i just lost my balance and collapsed. It was embarrassing, weird. I tried to get up to leave and reached for the door but i couldnt see and it was all out of focus and so I fell again. I couldnt even walk and caroline had to hol me cause I just saw blur and was all shaky and disoriented. So I sat down by her car and drank water and felt a bit better and just got some air, came home and slept. that was fucked up I dont know what was wrong that has never happened before. Maybe it was cause i havent had sleep and i was so weak from earlier or maybe that herb just kicked my ass it was just scary, I did not like it.. That shit freaked me out and scared me so bad I was afraid to go to sleep... | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Saturday, June 25th, 2005 | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| 1:16 pm | Just call me Nancy Drew.... Ok so this bf I have..bobby... I mean, not like I can talk on the whold "cheating issue" but I am totally getting these little hints that he is being 'unfaithful'. Unfortunatly I am attached to this mofo and I want to be with him but I am starting to think that its not good for me and that there isnt really a relationship anymore, not like it used to be. It's almost fake or forced in a way. All of my female friends tell me I shouldnt be with him. Even Caroline, she met this guy nate who apparently was a regular at steak n shake where bobby worked and he knew him and said he was a skumbag and and ass and caroline was like "u shoodnt be with him" and how that the nite he quit he just yelled alot and was rude and walked out. Now I am so confused... do I want to be with him or not? I mean i like him but at the same time I dont like how he has been treating me and acting. Sometimes he is nice but never how he used to be, he used to be so sweet always wanting to talk to me or hold me or be with me and now he doesnt even care. I had not seen him in a month up untill the other day, all his cousins were there and the girl i think hes been doing and he used to always hold my hand or tell me to sit on his lap or be up on me not caring that they were all there ... i hadnt seen him in a MONTH and he didnt even touch me or talk to me or pay attention to me untill we were alone in his room going to bed. He payed more attention to this girl andrea... now the backround on her comes first and then come the little "clues" i caught on to. Andrea- a longtime friend of the family (him and his 2 cousins). She used to date his cousin nello. Me and bobby used to joke about her liking him cause it is apparent she does or what have you. He used to hate her and even said she was gross and ugly now hes ? with her.. Now... so in the month that we havent seen eachother he has been hanging out more with her... her and his 2 cousins have been staying at his house for a few days... Now for my suspicions... 1. Let this be known. I am not the smartest thing ever but I am observent. I watch and listen and observe people and how they intereact and I can always tell when people like eachother or if there is something going on between them. Now the vibe I got when I was there between bobby and andrea was this "they have been "gettting together", they did, or it will happen in the not too far off future. They were flirting and he was even feeding her pizza and acting more 'cutesy' with her. I got the vibe my spidy senses were full on 2. She was wearing one of his shirts that he would loan me to sleep in so here im wondering.. wheres she been sleeping this week? 3. Bobby sleeps nude well we both were and this girl comes in his room at like 4 in the morning drunk and flops herself on the bed to look for beer in the fridge, they all drink there like every night, and what do you think would have happened if i WASNT there? Those were the things that came to me in my imedient memory there was more just the things they would say and their 'inside jokes' and the looks they gave eachother.. I just sat there acting like I was clueless but people dont realize i know and am aware of everything like that going on around me. And you think you have the upper hand but dude I am fucking you over and I have the upper hand. So I am going to wait this one out just kep listening watching and all that goodness because i know something is up and somethings going on but its not quite sneaky enough for me not to be suspicious... So we will just have to see what happens The worst thing is i like this asshole alot. I mean this is my second"real" relationship i was scared going into it but I have been trying after everyone and everything bad thats happened to me I thought this would be different. He was the guy that was so sweet i wasnt used to it he was the guy that said he wanted commitment and a family in a few years and all this stuff and I put my faith into this fucking shit. And i swear after this its done never again will i trust in anything good in my life or anyone good because its over and i dont ever want any more relationships. Its inevitable that i will be alone forever so why try to make it harder than it is why get hurt even more? There is nothing better out there for me and there is no one better. Im used to being treated like shit by 'friends' and in 'relationships' with people so theres nothing i can hope for or believe in except for the fact that I'll die someday. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Sunday, June 12th, 2005 | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| 3:28 pm | So me an Bobby are good I mean I guess having that shit all brought out made some things get adressed. That isnt the problem now. So he got kicked out of his uncles house, it was already hard enough for me to see him once a week after I crashed my car and had to rely on getting rides (yes folks i am no longer part of the driving population nor will i be for a long time if not ever..) or the train and me being as sickly broke as i am thats hard. Now we come to our new problem, hes moving in with his aunt who lives an hour away and after 2 months he's going to the navy and not coming out for 4 years. So basically I never get to see him again. Now for the past two months I swear to god every single thing that could go wrong in my life has this is just one of the many "fun little surprises" that I get. And its just pushing me deeper and deeper into this black hole that I can't get out of. And there is no one I can talk to about it and theres no one that cares or wants to listen... I havnet felt this bad in a long time, and up till march last year as gross as I feel doing it, I started cutting again. But Any how I have been depressed for years I mean sometimes things make me happy but its not permanant. I dont remember the last time I was really happy, I dont even remember or know what that feels like anymore. Im tired every single day of my life no matter how much I sleep I still wake up tired. And I am at the point where Im physically and mentally and emotionally tired. I just want to sleep and sleep for days and maybe if I do ill finally be awake. Then when I start feeling like things might actually ok but then it all gets fucked up again. What do I have to look forward to anymore? what do I even have to count on anymore. Im sick of either crying every day or feeling like Im going to cry just cause I'm frustrated, I dont feel good, I dont feel good about myself or anything anymore, I can't motivate myself anymore. I just don't know. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| 3:27 pm | Stolen from  boredgirl2601. Tell me something obvious about you. 2. Tell me something about you that many don't know. 3. What is your biggest fear? 4. Do you normally go the safe route or take the short cut? 5. Name one thing you want that you can't buy with money. 6. What is your most treasured possession? 7. What is the one thing you hate most about yourself that you do often? 8. Tell me something sexually about you that I don't know. 9. Tell me something sexually about you that everyone knows. 10. What is your favorite lie to tell? 11. Name something you've done once that you can't wait to do again. 12. Are you the jealous type? 13. What is the one person, place or thing you can't say no to? 14. What is the nicest thing someone has ever done for you? 15. If you could do something crazy right now, what would it be? 16. When was the last time you cried? 17. When was the last time you felt so good that nothing else mattered? 18. Do you feel comfortable in public with no shirt on? 19. Name something embarrassing you did while being drunk. 20. If you post this in your journal would you like me to answer it? | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Wednesday, June 8th, 2005 | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| 7:39 pm | I'm sorry To the bf.... you tell me you like that I am different than most girls and that you like that about me, then you tell me that you wish I was like other girls you hate the fact that Its hard for me to get attached to people, then tell me you are no longer attached to me you tell me you dont like how i dont tell you what im thinking. I told you i realized that I actually liked you .. days later you are telling me you want to break up ( do you realize that you are out of many, the second person i have ever really LIKE LIKED) you smoked bud, drank, and other stuff then you tell me you hate when i smoke and that you dont want me to ever be like that around you you hate that im afraid of commitment but here i am telling you I want to be with u you hate that i dont tell you how i feel.. for all of my life no one has ever cared how I felt im not used to having someone care. You care so much though that you dont want to be with me and want to 'break up with me' in text messages because you dont wanna see me hurt you tell me we want different things. all I know is I want you. Do you know how much I hate the fact that I like you, its been 2 months and maybe I didnt wanna see it before or admit it but I like u.. liked? I dont know.. How hard it is to think that I AM attached to you and have you tell me only days later that you think you want to break up yet u "like me sooo much and wnat me " and that you still wanna be "friends". When its over its over. I know that Im not perfect and ya I am really fucked up in fact but I am always trying to work on things. To you there is so much wrong with me. Then we talked, I told you how I felt and that was hard. I never share my feelings. I put myself out there for u and made myself vulnerable I told you that you proved all of my points about why I am the way i am, do you dar question me? After we talked it out you said you'd give it another chance but I cant help feeling that you are just with me out of pity. Regardless of us stioll being together not a day will go by that i wont think of ur words, how you think there is so much wrong with me, that you dont want to be with me, that you arent attached to me, every time I see you everything you said will run through my head and thats all i will think of . That I made you so unhappy, that i was so faulty in every aspect, that I disgust u so much. And you know what, it hurts. I tried so hard not to break down on the phone with you. I was at work. But once I came home and sat down the tears wouldnt stop. And here I am like a retard still upset still trying not to cry. Because there isnt much that makes me happy anymore or at all but once I feel happy once I start it is ripped away from me and thrown back at me. im so tired of just everything and its so frustrating when every single thing just goes wrong i hate feeling upset every single day im tired of school im tired of being here im tired of everything and i dont know what to do anymore nothing makes me happy nothing makes me feel good So here I am. Im sorry. Im sorry for who i am, I am sorry for being such a fucked up peice of shit, I am sorry for caring, I am sorry for liking you, I am sorry for everything I do that you hate. and most of all I am so sorry for living because I think that is where I fucked up most of all. Current Mood:  crushed | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Tuesday, June 7th, 2005 | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| 8:47 pm | I MISS U AND I AM COMING BACK I PROMISE! WITH PICS TOO... | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Saturday, April 2nd, 2005 | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| 9:33 pm | I'm 19 today bitchez... So its my birthday today... Happy 19th to me. I did all kindsa stuff this week with different people so that was fun. Today I woke up early and went to work out at curves they gave me a nice card there then had to go to the election judge class with my dad (im being one tues u get paid 120$ for doing it from 530 in the morning to 8 at night but there wont be too many people voting since it is only a local election and for mayor of our town so its EASY money) then came home and went to walmart with dad. Will wrote me a nice email saying happy birthday (to me last night) and called today as well, cory called last night to say hi and happy birthday, shana sent me a message 'happy bday skank hoe' lol anne called so did caroline (shes supposed to get me to go to a party tonite but she generally tends to flake out alot on this kind of stuff, amanda called me from georgia she said shes sending me something monday thats really nice of her and that she wanted me to be a bridesmaid in her wedding next summer (she got married but it was in court so she wants a real fancy one as soon as garrett comes back from serving in Iraq and such). So that was nice of them all, i mean i at least know who my real friends are u know... So that was my day. Other stuff- --havent heard from tom yet i am assuming hes still in wisconsin --i met this guy will, i have been hanging out with him alot lately. Hes so sweet though and has realy really pretty blue eyes and hes just so nice to me and so sweet which i just said like twice lol and i feel bad i feel like such a shitty person and he thinks im so great and amazing and gives me all these compliments (I hate ...HATE ... compliments) and i like him i just feel like he deserves better than me, and that I dont want to hurt him but somehow i will and i dont want to. I keep telling him I dont know what he sees in me and that im not all these things he thinks i am and the more he says that im this amazing person the more i realize that im not and that i am a peice of shit and cant help but feeling disgusted by myself and how i acted and what ive done and felt and thought in the past ... ughh nevermind --annes coming up on wednesday and staying all thursday we are going shopping.. im excited it will be fun :) Current Music: the Postal Service | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Monday, March 28th, 2005 | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| 5:48 pm | Birthday Due to last year and my little "accident" my plans for my grand birthday were cancelled (I got grounded for a longggg time).. this year my birthdays on Saturday (the big 19) so Im celebrating my birthday all week (Im on spring break anyways) and this is my chance to get to see all my people that I miss... So yay! I have a boobie pic it'll be in the next post.. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Sunday, March 27th, 2005 | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| 10:30 pm | They're finally letting this broad die... Schiavo Receives Communion, Last Rites By MIKE SCHNEIDER, Associated Press Writer PINELLAS PARK, Fla. - Their hopes fading and legal options exhausted, Terri Schiavo's parents appeared quietly resigned Sunday to watching her die but could claim one Easter victory: The severely brain-damaged woman received a drop of communion wine on her tongue — her only sustenance in nine days — after her husband allowed her to receive the sacrament. * As for my thoughts about this.. its about time. From what I know just keeping this poor woman alive is cruel. Her parents seemed to think that she had a chance of improving.. yah look how much better she got in those 15 or whatever years. This woman can do absoulutely nothing for herself and keeping her on machines to do that isnt how it should be. Nature should be allowed to take its coarse and that obviously was not defined as her living and suffering and being forced to live in pain. So its about time... what a horrible way to live.. i mean that is not even living. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Friday, March 25th, 2005 | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| 12:55 am | IM ON SPRING BREAK BITCHES!!! Hmm haven't been keeping this up much but now ill have tonz of free time so you will deffinately hear from me some more. - Today was fun I got my book money from school and Anne and I went all these places we were going to go to the zoo but it was kinda cold. We went out to eat at oven grinders, and shopping, to the mall and then to a movie where we met this nice Brazillian boy with an accent. Then I came home on the train which ended up bringing me back very late because apparently at one of the stops someone had decided to walk across when the lights were flashing and got hit and killed by the train. Great. - In other news or should I say sad news tom called me the other day after I hadnt seen him in more than a week and he was up in Wisconsin, his aunt died and he went to visit his cousin. He said he was thinking about moving there I said that is sad! It is I actually kinda like this boy, hes one of those guys who looks and seems all mean and bad and shit but hes actually all cute and sweet and shit even silly "I thought u were gonna come the other week so I even cleaned the mirror!" (we like the mirror by his bed lol) I was like aww thats cute lol. That silly boy. - A buncha friends from school are leaving too.. I swear every good friend or person Im close to moves away... It makes me not want to make any friends cause they all seem to leave - The nips are good but damn do they feel the cold downtown eeekkk.. still gotta put pics - Im going to Nocturna saturday... first time since November!!! wow, i miss it - Priscilla's bf paul has a friend who got some extra tickets to NIN so I guess I am seeing them for free which is very cool - Me and Anne are all excited for shannons party in may. We are going as school girls (on the flier it said dress like school girls) so im the 'bad' one and shes the 'good' one and were getting little uniforms and those big lollipops and those thigh highs with the little bows on them and I got some cute platform demonia mary jane shoes that will work with my outfit so its gonna be cool. Current Mood:  cheerful | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Monday, March 14th, 2005 | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| 2:34 pm | Be careful... I bite Me stacey and Shana  Tom's neck (can you see the heart?)  | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Wednesday, March 9th, 2005 | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| 10:47 pm | funny vanessa McRvAmPgUrL666: i'm itchin my boobs..lol psykoticpyrogrl: aww McRvAmPgUrL666: they are dry i need some good lotion McRvAmPgUrL666: lol McRvAmPgUrL666: oooo..rubin them softy..hehehehe...i dunno but i think thatfunny to me psykoticpyrogrl: omg that was dirty lol | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| 10:37 pm | Jerry springer was fun today!!!! I went with anne, stacey and vanessa. I hope it gets on the air it depends though on how the audience was and how the guests were aka is it something people would want to watch. I shook jerrys hand when he was coming out!! lol my 'brush with celebrity' lol made me feel kinda cool. It was smaller in the studio than it looks on tv though, people made a lot of funny comments about the guests and I did see alot of boobs. One bigger woman took hers out and juggled them to get her jerry beads, another girl had huge nipples, there were normal boobs and then the ones that haunt my nightmares.... a woman who was probably 60 and huge showed her huge saggy white boobs... *shudder*. Sadly my breasts did not break free though we plan to return to the show and by then mine will be peirced and rearing to go lol. My voice hurts from screaming so much though! Friday is a party... yay!! Saturday I see tom...yay Shannon is having another party may 28 he told stacey she cant go unless i do lol aww i guess he thought i was silly which he actually gave me some nice compliments :) Hmm and it seems that some ppl wanna see my boobs? peirced i mean... shood i be so daring as to post when theyre done? It will for sure be friends only but .. comment we'll see | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Sunday, March 6th, 2005 | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| 10:02 pm | And now your weekend update... Updates from a while back Last week Saturday- stayed at tom's didnt go to nocturna went to a party everyone had to leave Last Sunday- went to kanye west with tom and his friend steve it was an ok concert. got stranded downtown and couldnt come home till monday morning, tom says he wants me not to be with other guys and he wont be with other girls i didnt take him to be a person who would be like that but im surprised i do like him though Monday- didnt turn in my work for draping i am really hoping I dont fail that class but Im scared Tuesday- hung out with tall joe and got stranded downtown again so had to stay there didnt hang out with cory for the first time in a long time Thursday- worked at Halo's made some $$ Friday- hung out wtih caroline chris and mike and smoked Saturday went back to the grotto... this was a shitty experience, this guy matt there started talking to me he bought me a cup to go to the keg later on he was trying to get fresh in the bathroom with me then in someones room but i said no and artist joe came in, matt was holding my phone in his pocket and caroline and natalie were leaving he told me to stay and that his friends would get me a ride but then they all left and with my phone too, joe had his friend call them and have them drop it back off and he helped me get a ride home which was really nice of him. That guy matt was bogus and sleezy whatever.... Today- hung out with caroline and smoked and walked around a forest preserve with my parents (earlier on) it was a really nice day Other stuff -am getting a big check from school this week $1,400 - I didnt get to see tom this weekend but next weekend for sure and we may be getting tattooed sometime soon -Im getting my nips peirced when I get my big check (and some new clothes) -Jerry Springer= Wednesday!!! -things with cory are going down hill, he is getting frustrated that i wont commit to him and be his girlfriend and is always needing constant reassurance of our 'status' we talked about everything and i still felt like nothing got solved but he seems not all that eager to get into it anymore -Friday is a rolling party up in wisconsin im going with matt this really silly gay guy whos a raver his friend cristina and his friend chris who supposedly wants to meet me and is apparently married with a kid and one on the way or something like that but him and his wife dont get along (hes only 22 though) which he didnt want me to know but matt told him anyways... weird... -I HATE CRAMPS GODDAMIT | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Wednesday, February 23rd, 2005 | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| 7:21 pm | Azzah01: hiya Auto response from psykoticpyrogrl: Taking the Cosby kids for a swim.;-) psykoticpyrogrl: ok hey Azzah01: kids have a good swin? psykoticpyrogrl: hah yes psykoticpyrogrl: they jumped right off the diving board Azzah01: good for them! | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| 7:15 pm | stole this from 'insanecrazy'
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