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Friday, August 24th, 2012

    Time Event
    7:12a
    It's Friday, You Bastards
    By the power vested in me by the United Federation of Planets, I hereby decree this week to be the most surreal one ever. And if you have ever seen a real week that was more sur, I'd sure like to hear about it. Because what could possibly be more bizarre than Rush Limbaugh, the "man" who called Sandra Fluke a slut because she wants birth-control and that was just his latest #1 in a long string of insane hits, accusing someone else of saying stupid things and lying and then demanding that he step down?

    The good news that came out of this week is that if you somehow find yourself pregnant, all you have to do is convince yourself you were raped (Unless you were actually raped because then you are really blessed. Legitimately raped, that is, because fake rapes don't count) because then God will give you an abortion. For free (No one is happy with God's socialistic, welfare state business model but thus far, no one has been brave enough to try to have Him voted off the board and anyway, it's keeping the poor reasonably happy and occupied)! Fundamentalists are calling it Deity-Care.

    And we know it's true because some doctor sometime, somewhere, told Todd Akin all about it. Or maybe he saw it in a totally fictitious pro-life propaganda film. Whatever. It's completely true. Just ask anyone. Except for Rush. Or any other Republican. Or anyone in the medical community.

    And speaking of God and Republicans, which naturally leads us to speak of Democrats, if you believe that there is a God, who do you think He's rooting and possibly directly intervening for this year? Do you have Obama and McCaskill bumper stickers yet or are you going to recklessly risk the possibility of eternal damnation to the very end?

    Don't answer that. The last thing you're going to need on Judgement Day is for your attorney to yell at you for being such a big blabber mouth to the press because you're going to have plenty of other things to worry about. The first thing you're going to need is one of these (I suspect your lawyer will want one, too, because it's never easy watching a client go to the chair), the Theme Drink that Fifi, my Sommelier, invented for tonight's party:

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    Legitimate Abortion Bomb

    Ingredients:

    1 part Rum (Ron Bacardi)
    1 part Vodka (Absolut)
    1 part Tequila (Jose Cuervo)
    1/2 part Triple sec
    Fruit
    1/2 glass Ice
    Salt or sugar
    1-3 pint Fruit juice

    Mixing instructions:

    Add ice to blender (or to glass if prefer on the rocks) then fruit, and fruite juice depending on personal prefference then add the Rum, Vodka, Tequila, and triple sec. blend till smooth, rim glass with sugar or salt and pour mixture in. garnish with lemon or lime slice.

    -----------------------------------------------

    Fifi says that this one is completely politically neutral because if you're a Democrat, you can celebrate with it and if you're a Republican, you can drown your sorrows in it. It also has a religious significance. It's a well known fact that even though it was cut out of the final draft, Jesus, when he became bored with changing water into wine, changed it into Legitimate Abortion Bombs.

    Beyond that, aside from the fact that Jesus must feel the same way about His editors as I do about mine, the biggest religious significance of this drink is that it is going to be the perfect introduction to alcohol for the Mormons (Barb, Nicki and my own personal favorite Mormon, Margie) who will be here tonight and are having second thoughts about the whole no drinking thing.

    I don't think they'll have any trouble on Judgement Day, though, because just how long can you watch your very faith and the political party that supports it---And is being led, ironically enough, for the first time ever by a Mormon---disintegrate in front of your very eyes before you succumb to temporary insanity and do the right thing and drink heavily?

    Doing the right thing, voting for Obama, will mitigate all the other charges----I'm not an authority on the subject but I understand that in addition to the drinking, some of tonight's party games might slightly violate one or more of the core tenants of Mormonism. A few of my advisers even tossed the word blasphemy around a little bit but I'm sure they're overreacting---and they'll be just fine. You will be too if you vote a straight Democratic ticket. Or just remember to pack your asbestos underwear and you probably won't even notice the boiling pits of sewage you'll be swimming in. Either way, in the meantime, just lighten up, have a drink and limber up for the Second Anointing Game and maybe you'll win the grand prize and be anointed as a priestess and queen. And even if you lose, don't worry because there's always the Strip Nauvoo Endowment and the Wet Magic Undies Contest and...well, I don't want to give too much away before you get loose and limber enough, so I'll just say, "Good luck, may God be with you and a vote for Barack is a vote for your eternal salvation."

    Current Mood: depressed
    Current Music: Morning Report With Mark & Steve, WOC AM 1420

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