It's The Fourth Of July, You Bastards
I'm not a big fancy fast talking know-it-all city slicker radio critic but I play one on TV so you can trust me when I tell you that Dennis Miller was so-so last night. Fair to middling is my official diagnosis and you can take it to the bank. If you can find one open on The Fourth Of July. And if you can't, I guess you can always stick it into one of your newfangled always open 24/7 ATM gizmos and pay the bank 50 cents for the privilege.
I'm not faulting you for that because if I had that kind of money, I guess I'd probably carelessly throw it around, too. And that was all I wanted to say about the aforementioned Mr. Miller but since you brought up ATMs, I guess we should rethink that and spend a minute or two on Jenna Jameson.
Because Dennis began his monologue last night by talking about how Jenna is being sued by Maserati Financial Services---I know just how she feels, too, because while I bought my Maserati instead of leasing it, it does 185 and I lost my license and now I don't drive, so we're both in the same boat---and then blandly segued into the ever growing and more popular by the minute Zombie/Cannibal fad and then...If you didn't hear last night's show, you're going to think I'm making this up but I swear on a stack of Bibles, it's true...he didn't say, "You know, if Jenna had just jumped on this Zombie/Cannibal bandwagon and eaten a few more people instead of retiring, she would have been able to make her car payment."
That is so sad because he once played for the biggest of the big league TV comedy teams, Saturday Night Live. He was never especially good at it---No one is ever going to compare him to any of the original Not Ready For Prime Time Players but he did have isolated moments of comic brilliance that justified him being on the team and now he's limping around the bases for the Toledo Mud Hens.
The bright side is that Andy Griffith didn't live to see Dennis muffing that Jenna Jameson opportunity. Which is a good thing, because it would have killed him. And it was hard enough on us seeing him die once. It was even hard on young people who aren't even old enough to remember Matlock, because thanks to cable TV, the Internet and things like Netflix, they grew up with him just as much as ancient people like me did.
Suzette, my Chef De Cuisine and Chief Executive Vice President In Charge Of Domestic Bliss, for example, who's only 23, insisted that everyone have Post Toasties, Grape-Nuts and Sanka this morning in his honor. She's also started calling me Lonesome because she says I remind her of Larry Rhodes. She couldn't be any more wrong about that of course and as usual I have to do all her thinking for her because I'm so much smarter than she is. And then there's Brochette. She's my Chef De H'orderves, who's only 19 and she's building all her creations around Ritz Crackers today because she spends a lot of time on YouTube (Watching videos such as this one: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GyKvMDYeQmo
Yesterday, in a post that I haven't written yet but that you Remote Viewers, Seers, Soothsayers, Psychics, Time Travelers and Astral Voyagers have already read....And as for the rest of you, NO MORE FREE RIDES. If you are too lazy and unmotivated to figure out a way to see future events that are based on a past that hasn't occurred yet, don't come crying to me about it...I spent some time going into the philosophical, political, socioeconomic and prophetic ramifications of Andy's untimely(?) death so we don't have to cover that ground again.
That leaves us conveniently free to fully explore what really matters: The here and now immediate moment of this giant glee filled joyride we call life. Which in this case is Fifi, my Sommelier and the Theme Drink she has invented for this birthday party we call The Fourth Of July:
Mayberry Garden Cocktail
1 cl Vodka
2 cl Southern Comfort
1 cl Safari
0.5 cl Cointreau
Mix all ingredients in a drink-mixer with ice cubes. Pour in a highball glass and fill up with ginger ale.
Note that if you're from France or some other region of Outer Space, you can use a Kitchen Robot to make this drink because that's what you call food processors and blenders. I should complain about having to explain simple things like this but I'm so used to doing everyone's thinking about everything that it really doesn't even bother me anymore.
And there's only one thing left to do now, which is to remind you to try Ed's Cherry Cola Ribs which he gave the recipe for last night and then put it on his blog (http://wegoted.com/blog/?NID=1557
). Now, I haven't yet tried this particular recipe yet and I don't need to remind you of how I'm never partisan and never take sides in any dispute but I will tell you that it is good.
Because it is a Carolina, vinegar based recipe which is far superior to the Memphis tomato based varieties. Well, on TV, I swear it said vinegar, while in the blog it says to use Teriyaki sauce. In any case, try them because I'm sure they're good---Don't get me wrong, all ribs, just like all pizza and all sex are good and you should never turn down any of them but there are higher orders of good and Carolina style ribs are the top of the heap. The only problem is that Ed forgot to mention which beer goes best with them.
So this is going to require a lot of in-depth research. Given that there are thousands of brands of beer available, all we can say is, "Thank God, the weekend is long." While cursing Suzette's parents for teaching her how to talk because if she couldn't talk, she couldn't issue that stupid "Let them eat cake" rule against getting drunk and playing with really cool fireworks because "Someone MIGHT get killed or maimed and the whole neighborhood MIGHT burn down."
I hope you noticed that I capitalized MIGHT there to fully illustrate how stupid it is to ruin everyone's fun based on contingencies that never happen. Well, that almost never happen. If you get a chance, ask my friend Lefty, who is around here somewhere, just how he got the nickname Lefty. It's a really cool story. First though, pray that the Star Spangled Bikini/Body Paint Contest and The All American Wet T-Shirt Contest along with beer and ribs will be enough to save this party. And try to forget that if the British had not let us down by losing that war, we could today get as drunk as want and do whatever we want. Current Mood: depressedCurrent Music: Bill Ward, WPLO Atlanta, December 1963 (RESTORED)