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Saturday, June 2nd, 2012

    Time Event
    8:25a
    Give Me 64 Ounces Or Give Me Death
    It's no secret that ยง 86a of the Strafgesetzbuch makes the sale and/or possession of all Nazi memorabilia illegal in Germany. It's also no secret that France has even tougher, more encompassing laws concerning Nazi artifacts and the biggest non-secret in this chain is that you can find the very best, most complete and absolutely authentic collections of Third Reich objet d'arts in Paris and Berlin.

    If you know where to look. And who doesn't know where to look? In fact, the only secret here concerns whether or not any of these first rate museum grade illicit collections belong to relatives of any members of my staff and I can clear that up right here and now by saying, "No, they do not." Come on, like I would associate with criminals or their relatives. Even if said relatives look really really good in French maid costumes and dirndls.

    Sure, I do spend a lot of time inside the Beltway, the Kremlin, Parliament, the Vatican and other such places and they are all packed to the gills with known criminals but that's job related so it doesn't count. So, what's the point, you ask. Impatiently, I might add, and why do you do that?

    Do I tell you how to read? No, I don't. So what makes you think it's OK to tell me how to write? And for your information, I would have already gotten to the point if you hadn't derailed my train of thought with your childish outburst, so why don't you just sit there quietly and maybe we can get back on track.

    Of course, it means, because of the time you've wasted, I'm going to have to scrap the brilliant transition that was going to flawlessly tie the intro into the main point with no remaining loose ends that I was going to use but that doesn't bother me. I didn't need another Pulitzer anyway. I'm not in this for the fame, fortune, prestige and groupies. I'm in this to tell you that Michael Bloomberg is worse than any fascist dictator you'll find in any old dusty history book.

    And how that isn't all bad. At least not all the time. If you remember, and even if you don't, because ignorance of the past is no excuse, Mike carefully combed his mustache the other day and stepped out on the balcony to vehemently defend his latest insane notion (http://todayhealth.today.msnbc.msn.com/_news/2012/06/01/11994213-bloomberg-defends-soda-ban-plan-were-not-taking-away-your-freedoms?lite).

    And at first glance this looks like just the latest example of how the government (Any government) can't do anything even remotely useful or benign except to advance it's own totalitarian goals and it is. But it doesn't end there. It only, by design, looks like it ends there.

    But it's a flawed design because once you get past the graft and corruption...You don't think Mike is doing this for free, do you? This will be just like the big chunk of the cigarette bootlegging operation he's already getting but you didn't hear that from me...that are the real reasons for every law, you see that this law, if it passes, will have a big and unintended benefit for Joe and Josephine Sixpack.

    Because it will make every container of soda bigger than 16 ounces (16 ounces = 453.59237 grams or 0.473176473 Liters for those of you who I don't even know, let alone associate with and live in Europe and maintain vast collections of alleged illegal Nazi memorabilia) fun. The same way Prohibition made beer and bathtub gin fun.

    Because it's a lot more entertaining to have to know where to go and who to ask to get 96 ounces (96 ounces = 2.72155422 kilograms) of Coke in one serving than it is to walk into any McDonald's in broad daylight and shamelessly in front of God and everyone say, "Supersize it."

    Of course, the immense costs and endless stacks of bodies that always come with these laws will eventually make everyone start listening to the Liberal pinko commie bed-wetting hotheads who are shouting, "Give Me 64 Ounces Or Give Me Death," and large sizes will once again be legal, so enjoy it while you can.

    And take a minute to thank Mike for everything he's doing for you. Out of the goodness of his heart. And the kickbacks. And the simple thrill of telling everyone else what to do.

    Current Mood: depressed
    Current Music: Robert W. Morgan, KHJ Los Angeles, May 27, 1968 (58:20)

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