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Friday, April 6th, 2012

    Time Event
    7:36a
    It's Good Friday, You Bastards
    I've been reading and hearing a lot lately about how religion is in its' death throes and that would be great news if it's true, especially today, because it's Good Friday. Oh, if you're not up on Christian mythology, Good Friday is the day that Jesus died for your sins, which is important because even if you haven't sinned, you have anyway because the all knowing all powerful God (Who is really Jesus, even though they are two separate independent beings who are really the same thing) has decreed that you have Original Sin. That means you're guilty, even if you've never done anything wrong. Just like Trayvon Martin. So Jesus allowed Himself to be nailed to a cross (Which was another celebrity suicide because an omniscient and omnipotent God could have easily saved Himself from a few hundred Roman soldiers) and now you're forgiven.

    Provided you beg for forgiveness because how else is an all knowing God going to know that you want to be forgiven, especially for the things you never even did, unless you tell Him? And then you have to jump through a bunch of other hoops. And give the church lots of money because that's a very important part of the process. Anyway, that's the CliffsNotes version and if you want to know more, just ask anyone in the Christ Cult and they'll go as in-depth as you want...Especially if you're an alter-boy and he's a Priest.

    So it would be really good, especially on Good Friday, if religion were finally dying but I remain skeptical because religions, especially the crazier ones and there is no more crazy and obviously made-up religion than Christianity, seem to be immortal and they always bounce back.

    Same thing with political parties, which is why I'm also not having a great deal of faith in the "Republican party is in its' death throes," theory, too, but I am having a great deal of fun watching it nearly die. Any day now, I think Mitt Romney is going to just start wearing make-up and big shoes to complete the clown look.

    All that being said, though, there is no reason to throw away the good things that Christianity and the Republican party provide. First of all because it wouldn't be very green and secondly, I don't need anymore hate mail from Al Gore. That's why all the female guests at tonight's party are required to wear Catholic schoolgirl uniforms and will be subject to mandatory vaginal probes.

    I won't lie to you. There has been a considerable amount of resistance to this plan but remember, it's all Barack Obama's fault because he hates women and is waging a war on them. Why do I always get blamed for everything the irresponsible, logic challenged Liberals do?

    Why can't all you ladies just put on your uniform, hop up on the table and put your feet in the stirrups like a good little girl without the long grating completely untrue diatribe about how I'm demeaning and degrading you? Would that be so hard? Why do you insist on disappointing Jesus like that?

    He died for your sins, you know. You could at least have the decency to pretend to be grateful. But if you can't manage to do it on your own, maybe this, the Theme Drink that Fifi, my Sommelier, invented for tonight will help:

    -----------------------------------------

    Golden Good Friday Shower

    Ingredients:

    1 measure Banana liqueur
    1 measure Rum
    Fill with Sprite

    Mixing instructions:

    Stir Rum and Banana liqueur with ice. Add Sprite

    -----------------------------------------

    I guarantee that if you have enough of them you will in time see the Son of Man seated at the right hand of the Almighty, coming on the clouds of Heaven. Or something like that. Or at the very least, they should put you in a good enough mood to gracefully accept your mandated vaginal probe without all the griping and complaining. And if you do have any residual objections afterwards, send them to the White House, not to me.

    Current Mood: depressed
    Current Music: Morning Report With Mark & Steve, WOC AM 1420

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