It's Friday, You Bastards
The Mega Millions jackpot is now up to $640 million and I want to remind you to stay positive. Because negativity breeds defeat. You can't win the lottery or anything else with pessimism. Of course, when the numbers are drawn in a few hours from now and you find out you lost anyway, that's when the switch part of the Bait And Switch kicks in and they say, "Your numbers weren't drawn, so you get no money but you did win because you were positive about it."
It'll make you feel a lot smarter than all the people who lost because they were negative. And thus, the lottery is like everything else in life. One percent of everyone gets everything, 99% get nothing and everyone is happy because it's not whether you win or lose, it's how you play the game and for God's sake, don't stop playing because quitters never win!
And if you don't care about God, think about the 1% who would actually have to do something if you weren't there to do all the work. For nothing. But if you manage to break all the rules and win tonight...Which is possible. That's another aspect of how this Bait And Switch Game Of Life is played. Just ask any casino operator and he'll tell you, usually in a thick Brooklyn or New Jersey accent, that you have to occasionally give something away to make the whole thing work and appear legitimate. Something such as $640 million that you'll immediately take half of back as taxes...here's a handy list of things to do to insure that you not only have a good time but gives you a pretty good shot of getting to appear on a talk show about lottery winners who are now broke and more miserable than ever: http://lifeinc.today.msnbc.msn.com/_news/2012/03/30/10925891-what-to-buy-when-you-win-the-540-million-mega-millions.
I guess the only thing I would add to that list is that if you're Black and plan to celebrate by going to Disney World, hire a very good bodyguard. Because it's Negro Season right now in Florida and the hunters are coming out in droves. And don't forget to send Roseanne Barr a nasty email for being so crass and insensitive as to Tweet George Zimmerman's parents' address just because their son stalked and killed a 17 year old boy who wasn't doing anything wrong and then actively lied their heads off to perpetuate the coverup (http://todayentertainment.today.msnbc.msn.com/_news/2012/03/30/10940735-roseanne-barr-tweets-george-zimmermans-parents-correct-address
And does anyone else think that it's funny that if Trayvon Martin were white, George Zimmerman would be well on his way to death row right now and everyone would have just automatically dismissed the self-defense defense? Or is that just me? Don't answer that because it's probably time to stop thinking about how life is all about the one percent using racial and economic inequalities to continually divide, conquer, enslave and when necessary or fun, kill the 99% (More evidence of this, as if more evidence were needed, can be found here: http://usnews.msnbc.msn.com/_news/2012/03/29/10926817-hospital-mom-booted-from-er-who-died-in-jail-was-treated-appropriately
) and just concentrate on what really matters: It's Friday night and that spells P*A*R*T*Y.
And that means it's time to unveil the Theme Drink that Fifi, my Sommelier, invented for tonight:
Dr. Lemon Jackpot
2 oz Jack Daniels
Juice of 1/2 Lemon
Fill with Dr. Pepper
1 slice Lemon
Pour Jack Daniels and Lemon Juice over Ice. Top off with Dr. Pepper. Garnish with Lemon Slice. Stir.
Sour mix may be used in place of Lemon Juice. Cherry Coke may be used in place of Dr. Pepper, but not recommended.
OK, are you starting to feel like a winner yet? Are you ready to be even more of winner? Everyone here tonight is getting a book of these: http://www.amazon.ca/Sex-Scratchers-Lottery-Tickets-Scratch/dp/0811860094.
There, now, tomorrow morning you can go tell all those people who say you're a loser just how wrong they are. Current Mood: depressedCurrent Music: Morning Report With Mark & Steve, WOC AM 1420