It's Friday, You Bastards
Go ahead and make all the jokes about Illinois you want...And don't take this the wrong way because I'm not being judgmental or anything but you know how they say puns the lowest form of humor? Well, I think Illinois jokes are even lower, so that makes you, well, I can't say because I'm not judgmental and even if I were, I wouldn't stoop to your level...you know like how all our former governors go to jail (http://www.nytimes.com/2011/12/08/us/blagojevich-expresses-remorse-in-courtroom-speech.html
) and we can't balance the budget (http://www.illinoisisbroke.com/splash.aspx---Yes,
you would never have known that there is a web site called Illinois Is Broke if it weren't for me. You're welcome) and how if you win the lottery here, the check is going to bounce but they'll make it up to you by giving you a free scratch off ticket (http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/local/breaking/chi-lottery-apologizes-when-bank-fails-to-pay-dozens-of-winners-20120106,0,7644333.story
But one thing you can't say is that our officials are dishonest. Except for the ones that go to jail. And the ones that haven't been caught yet. Well, OK, I guess you can say that. But not about the Illinois Lottery Commission and when they say the bounced checks were an honest mistake due to problems associated with under staffing, not corruption, theft and general ineptitude, you can take it to the bank.
Well, figuratively, of course, because if you literally take something to the bank that's in any way connected to the Illinois Lottery, they're just gonna laugh you right out the door. Which isn't going to discourage you from making Illinois jokes. Why do I even bother trying to lead you into the light while you're totally surrounded by dark, negative, bad influences?
So let's just forget Illinois and the all stupid unfair jokes you're making about it for a minute---And don't even bother to thank us for saving your life, if you happen to drive here and get in a wreck, with our new comprehensive seat belt law, unless you're one of the majority of people who are killed in car crashes while wearing their seat belts, in which case, I guess you won't be making any more Illinois jokes, now will you, funny guy?---and go to California.
San Diego, to be specific. And ask: Do you think a trained Navy Seal had a couple of drinks and then accidentally shot himself in the head with a gun he thought was unloaded or was it suicide (http://usnews.msnbc.msn.com/_news/2012/01/06/10009564-cops-navy-seal-accidentally-shoots-self-in-head
I say no one who wasn't at the very least harboring (He was in the Navy, get it? Harbors are where ships park and...Ah, never mind. Your sense of humor has been dulled down to nothing by all the Illinois jokes you've been telling and now you can't even appreciate good puns. I'm just glad that not getting puns is a direct violation of three articles of The Patriot Act and you won't be on the streets for much longer) suicidal thoughts would point a gun at his head. And that a Navy Seal has some grasp of gun safety.
But everyone else is saying that suicide is a horrible way to start the first Friday Night Party of 2012 and that's dumb because A. I didn't start with suicide. I started with Illinois. And B. Suicide rocks! But logic, common sense and decency aren't going to win this argument. Did you ever hear Bill Maher talk about how stupid Americans are (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fys3MsKMpms
That's what we're up against here. So screw it. Let's just get this party on the road...You people in the back make sure you buckle up! Cause it's more fun to burn to death than to be thrown clear and die by breaking your neck on impact...and what better way to do it than with this, the Theme Drink that Fifi, my Sommelier invented for tonight:
1 1/4 oz Vodka
3/4 oz Campari
1/4 oz Limoncello
3/4 oz Orange juice
3/4 oz Sweet and sour
Shake and strain this drink into a chilled cocktail glass. Garnish with a lemon spiral.
If you're wondering why the Illinois Sunrise has such a heavy Italian spin to it, the explanation I got is that Fifi really likes the guy who plays Al Capone on Boardwalk Empire and everyone knows that Al is from Chicago and Chicago makes up 97% of Illinois with the other 3% being evenly split between cornfields, landfills and swamps. And since Al is Italian, it follows that Italian liquor is the best way to represent The Land Of Lincoln.
The upshot of the whole thing is that I have to learn how to work the parental controls on the cable box because she watches too much TV. I'll do that tomorrow, though, because right now I have a keg of Heineken to drink...Which is what you'll be doing, too, if you have a lick of sense. Red Solo cups for everyone who can pass an IQ test! Wait, grabbing a Red Solo cup IS the IQ test and you passed! Congratulations! Now chug! Current Mood: depressedCurrent Music: Coast To Coast AM---Rob Simone, WOC AM 1420