Greg's Blurty

The Net One I'm Not Going To Write
Over the strenuous objections of my agent, Drusilla and my publisher, Bombastic Buskin (He used to be a famous accountant, you may have heard of him), as is the usual case because they don't understand art at all, they only understand demographics, sales and the bottom line, I'm putting off volume 15 of the Major Clay Shrapnel saga and forging ahead with a new novel. Even though I'm warned that it will only sell between 1 and 1.5 million copies instead of the 10+ that another Clay Shrapnel book would sell.

I told Dru that maybe if I got more than my standard $8.50/hour for not writing books, no matter how well or not well they sell, I just might be more concerned about sales. She said I was lazy, greedy, ungrateful and a bunch of other things I can't print here because my conservative base would abandon me in droves if I did, and stormed out of the room.

Being the overly sensitive writer that I am, I am going to get even with her. By grossly inflating my billable hours for this one. That little temper tantrum will cost her $50. Maybe more. It could be as much as $75. And that's pretty much a warning for everyone. Don't ever try to get away with throwing a tantrum with me. Not unless you're willing to pay up to $75 for it.

Now, you're probably wondering what I'm going to do with all that extra money and how could anyone ever spend that much but you're just going have to put those questions on hold. Because right now, I have to tell you all about this brand new novel I'm not writing.

It's about Stephanie. She's completely unremarkable in every way, except for the fact that she's 110 years old. She was born in 1910---And I don't have to tell you math majors this, so you can skip this part but for the rest of you: That means that this one is set a bit in the future, in the year 2020, to be exact.

Her birthday is April 21, 1910 and I don't have to tell you Astrologers out there that that means she is a Taurus. And I don't have to tell you English Majors out there that she was born on the day that Mark Twain died. I also don't have to tell you English Majors that Mark (Or Sam, which was his real name) knew that he was going to die when Halley's Comet returned.

For reasons I won't go into here...the very same reasons that lead me to being banned from Coast To Coast AM for another three lifetimes in one of the dimensions where I did actually write this book because I refused to talk about this on the air and Art got really ticked off about that but you'd think he'd learn by now because I've already figured out a way to be back on the show next Saturday night and I would love to tell you how but I can't because Art has spies everywhere in every dimension...Stephanie knew that she, too, would leave with the comet the next time it appeared.

But, February 9, 1986 came and went and Stephanie was still here. Or was she? She's still not sure. What she is sure of is that if she is still here, she won't leave until July 28, 2061. Or maybe sometime in 2136. And if not then, 2211. In any case, she's getting very concerned about outliving her 401K.

Nah, that's just a joke. Her family is quite wealthy and will likely be wealthy forever but money isn't everything, in fact, it was never much of anything to Stephanie but she has plenty of other worries. Way too many worries for me to list them here, but one of my favorites is her concern that she did in fact die on February 9, 1986 and what she is now experiencing is Heaven. Or Hell.

To Stephi's way of thinking, if she is dead, it is mostly Heaven and Heaven isn't all that bad a place. It's a little disappointing because she was looking forward to being reunited with her children (Especially her first two, Samuel and Samantha, who happen to be twins who died on the same day in 1995 within hours of each other and she wants to see them again because she wants to say, "HA! I told you so," to them because they were her biggest critics and the ones who most called her crazy for thinking she knew when she was going to die and some of you clever people out there have already, based on their names, figured out that she felt a strong connection to Mark Twain and have probably figured out some more of the plot but you're just going to have to not read this when I finish not writing it to see if your guesses are right), her parents, her husband, etc etc etc and there are a lot of them because she has outlived them all. People of all sorts are always dying on her---family, including great grandchildren (And that freaks her out a little), friends and everyone else.

But they are continually replaced by new people and that comforts her. Just as the possibility of this being eternity comforts her. A little. Mostly because she appreciates the little things. She doesn't watch her diet at all and she never felt the need to quit drinking or smoking. And she's a little on the brand loyal side. She has smoked two packs of non filtered Camels everyday since November 30, 1926 and has no intention of ever stopping.

Another thing she has no intention of stopping is preparing for the future...even if this is her future for the rest of forever. But, more importantly than that, she has intention of stopping trying to figure what her role in all this is. Even if it kills her. If that's even possible.

So she studies. Nearly everything but she concentrates the most on a few subjects and now, in the year 2020, a full 88 years after she graduated with a degree in history, she knows enough about physics, para-physics, particle physics, psychology and para-psychology to have Ph D's in them.

She has as little interest in getting another degree, though, because in her words, "A piece of paper means nothing. Lot's of people who have them shouldn't have them and vice versa. So, never trust a diploma." That's what she tells her grand children. They are actually her great great great something grandchildren but she lost track and got tired of trying to figure it out so she promoted them all to simply grandchildren.

So that's pretty much Stephanie's story. Except for the fact that she's kind of a low grade psychic. She has had premonitions and predictive dreams all her life and all of them have been accurate, except for the one about her dying in 1986. Or was it? Check back later tonight, when I finish not writing it to find out.

Current Mood: depressed
Current Music: Coast To Coast AM----Friday September 26th, 2008