Greg's Blurty

Lot's Of Lemons Today
This is the kind of day that really makes me earn the title, WORLD'S MOST OPTIMISTIC PERSON. Seriously. Have you read any of the news today? The Dow is down 504 points (Its' worst day since 2001), rescuers are finding chaos in flattened coastal areas, Richard Wright died, Sarah Palin is breaking down Barack's advantage, the 26 train crash victims in California died because someone had to send a text message (And yet we are being told that we have to raise the driving age because kids are so dangerous and they are threatening all us older perfect Saintly drivers and don't get me started on that!)---and that's just the tip of the A List.

I didn't even get into the Cubs, The Yankees and United raising its' second bag fee to $50! So, yeah, today is the kind of of day that Uncle Bobby (http://www.wgnradio.com/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=40721&Itemid=262) would call a "Character Builder." And, like Bob, I want to shout, "I DON"T NEED ANY MORE CHARACTER!"

But, I can't. Because I'm THE WORLD'S MOST OPTIMISTIC PERSON. And I know that looks good from where you sit. I get all this money, fame, power, glory and groupies and for what? Just to stand up here and be optimistic. Anyone could do it. Right? I know, that's partially my fault for making it look so easy but you should know better. Being a big time professional Optimist ain't easy!

Especially on a day like this when I have to take all these lemons and turn them into lemonade. I also have to be sensitive to you, my legions of adoring fans. I can't just overwhelm your delicate willingness to suspend your disbelief or you'll lose confidence in me and I'll end up going home with just eight instead of ten groupies and we can't have that. Not on a day like this. This is definitely a ten groupie day if there ever was one.

Are you starting to get a sense of just how tricky and difficult this is? I have to cheer you up without triggering your B.S. alarm. There are a lot of different techniques and methods to achieve this but the only one that really matters is the one I, THE WORLD"S MOST OPTIMISTIC PERSON, am going to use because this is no night for amateurs.

And I am going to do it by choosing one battle and disregarding the rest. I know, it sounds risky but that's how I'm going to do it. I am going to tell you why losing tons of money in the stock market isn't really a bad thing. And by the time I'm finished, you will feel better and will have forgotten all the other bad news and my work will be done. FINALLY! I'm on salary, you know. I do all this overtime for free. But do you care about that? NO! You only think about yourself.

Don't worry about that, though. Just keep being selfish and see where it gets you. Keep touching that hot stove till you get burned and then maybe you'll learn. But do that on your own time. Right now, listen to why losing all your money isn't so bad. And first of all, understand that you're not alone. Look at me, I probably lost more today than I earn in a year but am I all down and gloomy about it?

No way! This is a good thing because it means that stocks are on sale. They are cheap and you should be buying more. That's exactly what I'm going to do...well, I would if I had any money left to buy stocks with. Don't forget that the market will go up again...maybe not in our lifetimes, but it will go back up!

Besides that, don't forget what Ian (http://gabster.fm1071.com/fm107_ian/blog/) said this morning, "Money isn't everything!" And yes, Ian, your royalty check is in the mail and in the unlikely event it isn't there in two weeks, just call Accounting and...no, better yet, why don't you call the Post Office and yell at them for once? Why do you always blame me for everything?

There. You are very nearly tranquilized into thinking everything is really OK but I just need to go a little further. Do you know what the best thing about the stock market collapse is? That's right, my very soon to be former boss, Putz "Shorty" McWorthless is now qualified to be a stock broker.

We were all worried that he was going to ruin the fast food industry and that would be a very bad thing but now, he's suddenly qualified to be a broker. In fact, it's as if he had already been made a broker and the worst is over. I figure that Putz will only cause the market to decline 300 points a day, so we're coming out way ahead on this deal. And we never have to worry about having to eat French Fries that were made by a guy who can't grasp the basic fundamentals of running a greeting cards company.

Now, is everything is better? Do you feel totally calm and relaxed? Are you ready to just live with the fact that the Post Office just sometimes loses checks? Good. My work here is done. Go out and have some fries. Bon Appétit!

Current Mood: depressed
Current Music: Coast To Coast AM----Sunday September 14th, 2008