Greg's Blurty

Because It’s Easier Than Doing Any Real Writing
Take this survey

Ever fight in a church?

No, but I have seen many fights in church. It's an integral part of our service. I'm an Elder of the Holy Church Of The Sacred Oil Wrestler. Come and worship with us. Bring your own beer and remember, there is no cover on Wednesday's! Amen.

When was the last time someone said you were hot?

A paramedic told me I was hot just the other day. Then she went even further than that and said I was on fire. She was really into me. It was the night I made dinner because Suzette told me that even an idiot as big and inept as me could make microwave burritos. I don't want to brag or anything, but I proved her wrong yet again.

When did you last lie with a straight face?

Lying requires imagination and I have none. I'm stuck with telling the plain, simple, boring truth all the time.

What is the most money you have spent on a gift?

I'm glad you asked that one because Suzette says I'm cheap...and unromantic but I'll have you know that I spent almost twelve dollars on her birthday present last year. And if you know of a more classy, extravagant and romantic gift for a woman than edible underwear, I'd like to hear it.

Ever taken pics you regret?

Would they call me The World's Best Photographer if I took regrettable pictures?

Would you rather live in the country, city, or suburbs?

I know you have the best of intentions and no evil agenda but I'm being careful with this one because it sounds too much like something Jeanie, my Chief Executive Vice President In Charge Of Wish Fulfillment and Head Belly Dancer would ask. And she is either unbelievably incompetent or knowingly evil. She has to be one or the other because there is no other way you can explain Suzette.

So, for country, I'm going to say England, because I really like The Beatles Tour Of England. Or maybe Australia, even though they don't know how to speak English and drive on the wrong side of the road (Just like England) and they don't have The Beatles but they do have much better beer. I would have said Holland, because they have the best beer and drive on the right side of the road but they speak English worse than the English and Australians.

For city, there is only one, New York City.

For suburb, Beautiful Downtown Burbank. It's technically a suburb of Los Angeles but the entire Universe revolves around it.

Last time you were truly in love?

Why do you always try to ruin everything by bringing that up? Can't we just enjoy the moment and let the future take care of itself?

Do you think all guys think with their little head?

Either I'm too much of a Saint or you're too much of a pervert because I have no idea what you're talking about. You really turn me on, though. Are you doing anything after the interview?

Ever take money from a stranger?

Women I don't even know are always shoving money into my underwear. It gets really annoying. Why can't I ever just dance in peace without being groped and mauled?

Who is on your mind right now?

You, of course. Who else would I be thinking about? You should stop being so suspicious.

Do you think piercings are sexy?

Usually, no but I have an open mind. Show me what you've got.

Who did you last curse at?

Saints aren't allowed to curse. I bet you don't even realize how lucky you are to be a lowly sinner.

Do you donate blood?

Have I ever told you about my phobia of needles? I'll give all the blood they want when they figure out a way to not take it with a needle.

Are you religious?

See question 1.

Where did you graduate from?

Cornell (http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&rls=com.google%3Aen-US%3Aofficial_i&q=Cornell+College&btnG=Search). The college in Iowa, not the University in New York. We're not as big but we are far less well known.

Do you like your job?

I have to. It's part of the oath you have to take when you join the Acme Greeting Cards Company.

What is you're heritage?

If the Bible is correct, and I think it is cause I really like apples, I'm a direct descendant of Adam and Eve.

What is you're favorite kind of music?

I really like harpsichord recitals but the crowds are getting too young and wild so lately I've been going to see the Rolling Stones more. I feel safer surrounded by senior citizens.

Are you healthy or do you have medical problems?

My doctor, Dr. Morticia Strangelove says I have the body of a twenty year old. And she should know because she reanimated it for me herself.

What was the last Youtube video you watched?

It WASN'T some sordid video of a bunch of college girls shamelessly prancing around in their underwear. Why are you always so suspicious? Now, will you please take these parental controls off my computer so I can get back into nationalgeographic.com?

Do you have any ridiculous fears?

Other people have ridiculous fears, not me! All my fears are sound and well founded in logic.

What is the most disgusting thing you have ever seen on the internet?

How many times do I have to tell you? I DON'T GO TO THOSE KINDS OF SITES!!!!! Now will you please take these stupid parental controls off my computer? They are really hampering my research.

What should you be doing right now?

If you want to have sex, why don't you just say so? Personally, I think you might have a problem. Sex addiction is a real disease, you know. But I'm not here to judge you, so let's just go get it over with.

What is your favorite thing to spend money on?

Lap dances. Actually, I don't like spending money on them but no one will do it for free.

Do you regret doing anything over the last week?

I'm just a simple greeting cards salesman who moonlights as a Saint. What would I do that's regrettable?

If you could have any type superpower what would it be?

I would have the power to make waitresses smile and say, "Well, yes I am," when I ask, "Are you on the menu?"

Who will be the next president of the United States?

Catie Osborn (http://qconline.com/archives/qco/display.php?id=403226&query=catie%20osborn).

Well, I'm not sure that she'll win but I'm voting for her. I was going to vote for Barack till I read this. That link probably won't work for you if you're not a subscriber to the Argus, so either subscribe or go out and pick up a copy of today's edition---you can find it at newsstands all over the world, they usually display it next to the New York Times.. Or hunt around and see if she has her columns on the Internets for free somewhere. She's good. When I get around to it, I'm going to add her to my Top Ten Favorite Local Writers List (Which now goes to #6, so Catie will be #7). And if she becomes President, I'm bumping her right up to the number one spot on my Top Ten Favorite Local Politicians List (Which currently goes to #0), not because I'm sucking up but because you just never know when being in good with the President might come in handy. I just hope that if she becomes President, she keeps writing. And more often. I'm not complaining, because once a month is great but I can't help thinking that once a day would be greater.

When did you last have a great kiss?

You really make seduction way harder than it has to be. Just go ahead and kiss me.

What was the last thing you purchased?

They have these great apple pastries on Tantros 9 that you just can't find anywhere in this galaxy, except for one bakery in Paris but I'm never going there again because I'm not paying 18 Euros for one apple pastry, no matter how good it is! So, the last time I was on Tantros 9, the other day, I bought a dozen of them.

What are your current goals?

To find at least one waitress somewhere who will smile and say, "Well, yes, I am. And I'm very good today," when I ask, "Are you on the menu?"

Ever see the 2 girls 1 cup video?

For the millionth time, I DON'T WATCH VIDEOS LIKE THAT!!!!! NOW, WILL YOU PLEASE TAKE THESE STUPID PARENTAL CONTROLS OFF MY COMPUTER??? Why don't you ever trust me??????

What so far is the single best moment of your life?

That was the moment you came into my life. The gates of Heaven opened and I was flooded with this intense pleasurable light and I suddenly knew why I'm here. Now, will you please please please please please take these stupid parental controls off my computer?

Do you watch the Olympics?

I had to boycott the Olympics this year because...well, you tell me just how in the name of Jesse Owens they could have the Olympics in China and NOT have Chinese Checkers as an event???

What do you do to try and help the environment?

I try to use my stretch Navigator with the eight hot tubs as little as possible. I did change the carburetor, though and it now gets 8 feet/gallon but still, I feel less guilty using one of the ordinary limos.

What is your most favorite meal in the world?

OK, but when we're done, will you promise me that you'll see a doctor? With some help, you can get over this addiction to sex.

What do you think of guys that wear pink shirts?

I think it should be legal and they should be allowed to get married, too.

What is your favorite breed of dog?

Beagles. But with you around, maybe I should get a pit bull. I need something to protect me from your constant demands for sex.

Is there a celebrity that you don't understand why they're famous?

Why doesn't everyone just leave Paris alone? If you really understood her, like I do, you'd know why she is famous.

Do you dislike any celebrities?

I'm a Saint, I'm not allowed to dislike anyone. But if I were allowed, Rush would be on my list.

What do you think of dating someone you meet on the internet?

I wouldn't do that! Now will take these stupid parental controls off my computer? Why won't you trust me?

Do you return purchases back to the store often?

I do a lot of shopping outside this solar system and in other times via my time machine, so it really isn't worth returning anything. It's just too much hassle.

Is there any TV shows you wish were still on the air?

Well, we could start with Buffy and go all the way to Seinfeld and beyond, but that would take all night, so let's just say, LOTS.

What is your favorite smell?

I give up. You're addicted to sex and will always be addicted and I'm just going to learn to live with it.

How do you feel about the cost of college tuition?

For that kind of money, they should give rebates. And Green Stamps.

What hobby would people be surprised that you enjoy?

I enjoy watching girls...um, I mean I have no strange, surprising hobbies! When you learn to trust me?

In the last year have you learned or improved on any skills?

I am constantly improving everything. That's what life is all about.

Are there "friends" in your life that you wish weren't in your life?

Why would I have friends that I don't like?

Is there any accent that you find sexy?

I don't find anything or anyone sexy but you! NOW, WILL YOU PLEASE TAKE THE PARENTAL CONTROLS OFF MY COMPUTER? And let me out of these handcuffs, unless you're going to give me a good reason to be in them. Why don't you trust me?????

Do you prefer yellow or white gold?

I'm just a simple greeting cards salesman. I don't need a fancy metal like gold. Platinum is plenty good enough for me.

Do you know what your birth flower is?

I've never looked it up but I would guess it's hemlock.

Would others say you are open minded?

Oh yeah! And if you'd just let me out of these handcuffs, I could prove it to you.

Do you honestly consider yourself a good friend?

I am a Saint. You couldn't have a better friend than me.

Are you looking forward to anything that is happening in the next 24 hours?

Nothing that I know of. I hope you surprise me with something good.

Have you ever set up friends and they ended up together long term?

I don't want to toot my own horn but I am the one who introduced Laverne to Shirley and they are still together to this very day.

If you could have any person in the room with you right now who would it be?

Why does it have to be just one? Why can't I have all three of Charlie's Angels? We have a lot in common. They're angels and I'm a Saint. But I couldn't pick a favorite. Why would you limit me to just one?

What were you doing right before you started this?
shower

Current Mood: depressed
Current Music: Coast To Coast AM----Friday September 5th, 2008