Greg's Blurty

I NEED YOU!!!!!!!!!!
All the news today is bad. Well, I shouldn't say that, because I haven't read all the news. What I should say is that all the news I have read is all bad. And as I kept reading, it kept getting worse and worse. The stock market is down 350 points, almost half of all Americans are facing knee arthritis, Republicans, hurricanes...it just goes on and on and on. The badness just increased exponentially with every story.

But then I saw a story that I thought break the trend:

Worst nightmare: Babies stolen from their beds
Rare, scary crime happens more often at home than the hospital, study says

By JoNel Aleccia
Health writer
MSNBC
updated 7:28 a.m. CT, Thurs., Sept. 4, 2008

JoNel Aleccia
Health writer
• E-mail
More new babies are being kidnapped from public places — homes, parking lots and shopping malls — even as improved awareness and better security have cut the number of newborns snatched from the nation’s hospitals and health centers.

That’s according to just-released research that tracks every new parent’s rare-but-possible nightmare: A stranger stealing the baby.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/26532421/

Now, don't get me wrong and go misquoting me here, because I am, as a general rule, not in favor of kidnapping. But I thought that maybe there might be some good in this for me among all this horribleness. That'll teach me to get my hopes up because I read the entire article and nowhere did it say that abductions of Chief Executive Vice Presidents In Charge Of Domestic Bliss and Chef's De Cuisine are rising.

It didn't mention that they are ever abducted at all. And that figures. They seem to be harder to get rid of than...well, you're on your own here, because my Fitting Metaphor Department took the day off (They claim that the rain makes their hair all frizzy and they can't work under those conditions) and I'm just too stressed to come up with one myself.

So I'm still stuck with Suzette...unless one of you kidnappers out there wants to help out and do something really nice. No? Fine. I will remember that, though, the next time you need something. That, and all the rest of today's bad news, is the least of my worries, though.

Don't you wish you were me? Then the most of your worries could be just like mine.

Let me start at the beginning. Don't worry if you have a hot date or something else vitally important to get to because this is the Reader's Digest version:

I have been in the tenth grade since 1979 and will continue to be so until I pass Freshman English. Satan, thy name is Miss Grundy. She has done it again!

I have to write an essay on how I spent my summer vacation and it's due on Monday! I don't know where she comes up with these torture devices...well, yes I do, but her lawyers say I can no longer call her a High Priestess Of The Blackest Magic Ever Known who conjures up these unholy assignments from the deepest most foul smelling bowels of Hell until I can prove it.

So I have to say that I don't know how she comes up with this every year. That really doesn't matter anyway, because it has been summoned and it is here. And this is where you come into the picture because there is no way I can write something this big...it has to 5-7 pages, double spaced...and complicated.

Just like always, I have had a perfectly normal and boring summer selling greeting cards, not writing novels, playing with my time machine, interacting with the dead and hanging out with my all girl staff in my little 75 room house on my tiny 5000 acre estate. And I can't write about that because I can't afford another F.

I need to be out of the tenth grade already. That's why I need you! Ghostwrite my summer vacation! Make it interesting. Make sure you pay attention to all the picky grammar and spelling rules, too. And most of all, make it 5-7 pages long.

That's all I ask. And yes, I could pay you but that would really cheapen and soil an otherwise beautiful moment, wouldn't it? So do it for the Karma points. Do it for the opportunity to feel good about yourself. And for God's sake, make sure you do it by Monday!

Current Mood: depressed
Current Music: Coast To Coast AM----Wednesday September 3rd, 2008