Greg's Blurty

It's Friday, You Bastards
Because it's easier (And faster) than doing any real writing:

Firsts, Lasts & More

First name?

Greg

First pet?

Skipper, a dog.

First teacher?

Mrs. What'shername.

First friend?

Tim

First fight?

I don't talk about it much because it was so horrible. There was shouting in the streets and the sound of running feet all through the streets of the old east side. A lot of people say that it was the night Chicago died. That's over dramatizing it a bit, I think, because it was just the Cubs losing but back then it was still a big deal.

First crush?

How am I supposed to remember that far back?

First love?

Love is such a loaded term...why don't we just stick to lust?

First bicycle?

It was red, I don't remember the brand.

First car?

1973 Nova with a Chevy short block 402.

First job?

Pumping gas at Holiday.

First CD/album?

First CD was Sgt Pepper, I don't remember the first album.

Lasts

Last time you peed?

That's common on your planet, isn't it? So I guess I should answer with something or your tiny little brain will get suspicious. So how about November 8, 1993? That sounds good.

Last time you fell asleep on the phone?

I can't sleep on anything but a pillow.

Last time you fell asleep in a car?

Last fall. I was going from JFK to MId-Town and the cab driver said he was going to take a short cut to avoid some construction and I woke up just outside Boston. It wasn't bad. The whole trip only took 29 hours and only cost $37,986.17, plus tip.

Last time you fell asleep with a cigarette?

Last night. I don't believe any of that hype about smoking in bed.

Last time you drank alcohol through a straw?

That night is kind of hazy. I'm pretty sure it was winter time though, because when I woke up, I had frost bite on my eye lids.

Last time you drove?

A couple of hours ago. My Chauffeur called in sick. Actually, she said she was sick of driving me everywhere but same difference.

Last time you heard country music?

Today and I'm glad because how else would I know who done who wrong this week?

Last time you heard rap music?

Today and again, I'm glad because there's nothing like listening to lethargic rhyming.

Last time you heard a motorcycle?

Today. It told me that if I bought it, it would attract lots of girls.

Last time you rode in a 18 wheeler?

A long long time ago (Circa 1982) when I worked at a truck stop, this guy let me drive his rig across the lot. It was cool.

Last time you signed into myspace?

I've never physically logged on. I do all this telepathically.

Last time you looked at porn?

What kind of pervert are you? No, seriously. I have an opening for someone who's into heavy feather play and I think you'd be perfect.

Last time you broke something? what?

I didn't break nothing, man! You can't prove anything! You got no witnesses and no evidence! Charge me with something or let me go!

Last time you played cards?

I don't want to talk about it. But I do want to say, if Chantel McNulty ever offers to play strip poker with you, JUST SAY NO! She cheats!

Last time you sang?

Woodstock.

Last time you went to a ball game?

It's been a while.

Last time you took a shower?

If you want to shower with me, just say so.

Last time you shaved?

If you want me to shave you, just say so.

Last time you went outside without shoes?

Yesterday.

Last time you looked at the time?

We don't understand time well enough to measure it so looking at clocks is useless.

Last time you played hooky?

Do you have a warrant?

Last time you slapped someone?

Are you applying for the S&M position?

Last time you scratched your toe?

May 8, 1952. My memory isn't too good anymore but I seem to recall that it was warm that day.

Last time you licked your lips?

If you want to lick my lips, just say so.

Last time you ran away?

Last night. I ran to Vegas and it turned out to be a mistake because I ran into Chantel and she won all my clothes.

Last time you snuck out?

Last night....you can't run away without first sneaking out.

Last time you were in a relationship?

2003. I was with Buffy for 6 years and she ruined me for all other slayers.

Last time you ate popcorn?

Thursday.

Last time you drank flavored water?

Beer is flavored water, right?

Last time you wore lipstick?

1973 but what does it matter? Cause I paint my face with glitter, just like Bowie does. And I wear the same mascara that Mick Jagger does. And I even put some lipstick on but that just hurt my dad and mom. And even with all that, everybody's makin' it big but me! And it's not fair because I've got charisma. And personality. And more makeup than a horse has hairs, so is why is it that everybody's makin' it big but me?

Last time you played soccer?

Never...I've had some offers but the money has never been right.

Last time you did the dishes?

I have Suzette for that...so why is it me that always ends up doing them?

Last time you talked on your cell phone?

This morning. It was the Chief. He needed donuts.

Last time you told someone off?

I'm not allowed to tell people off. It's the price you pay for being a Saint.

Last time you drew a heart with a arrow through it?

Yesterday....and THEN they told me the code changed. So now we're at war The Virgin Islands. Sorry about that, Chief. But they deserve it anyway. I keep ordering but they keep refusing to send virgins to me.

Last time you saw your cousin?

Last night and I swear, dear, she is my cousin. We're just a very close family. Now, will you please put down the butcher knife, Lorena?

Last time you oinked like a pig?

Last Wednesday and THEN they told me the code had changed. Now we're at war with Outer Mongolia. Sorry about that, Chief. But look at the bright side. We'll finally control the global supply of Mongolian beef.

Last time you rode an elephant?

Last night I rode an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in pajamas, I'll never know.

Last time you rode a camel?

Last night I rode a camel in my....What? You've heard this one before? Well, OK, Miss Comedian, why don't you come up here and try being funny for ninety minutes with all new jokes that no one has ever heard before while I go out there and eat and drink. Then you can tell me all about how easy it is.

Last time you pressed the "X" key?

I'm orthodox Amish, we aren't allowed to even have an X key.

Last time you painted your face?

Halloween. Bet you weren't expecting that.

Last time you looked up info in a book rather that internet?

I love books...the pages load really fast...but the links never seen to work so I've never really used them.

Last time your gum fell out of your mouth?

New Year's Eve. I resolved to give up gum and I spit out my last piece at midnight. It was hard but I used the spearmint patch and I kicked that stupid habit.

Last time you touched a bird?

Hey, you're in America now, so speak English. We call them girls here. And to answer your question, never...but I do have it on my list of things to do before I turn ninety.

Last time you popped your fingers?

I try all the time but they just won't pop. Maybe I need a bigger needle.

Last time you stappled your finger?

How did you know about Stappling? Look, personally I don't care if you or even who leaked it to you. Officially, though, I have to care because it's my job. So now I have to give you truth serum and if that isn't enough, I have to rough you up till you talk. Then I have to erase all your memories. Why do you always saddle with extra work like that? Don't you know it's Friday night? It would have killed you to wait till Monday?

Last time you sniffled?

If you want to play doctor, just say so.

Last time you had something in your mouth that wasn't food?

You never ever think about anything sex do you? Marry me!

Favorites

Favorite non-alcoholic drink?

What is "Non-alcoholic?"

Favorite alcoholic drink?

Sex On The Beach.......well, not really, but I love the name.

Favorite dessert?

Did I ask you to marry me yet?

Favorite Ice cream?

Willie Nelson's Country Peach Cobbler by Ben And Jerry's.

Favorite movie?

Das Booty.

Favorite TV show?

Buffy, Seinfeld, My Mother The Car, Get Smart, Californication.....I can't pick just one.

Favorite band?

The Scum Of The Earth. They keep boogyin' on higher and higher until the fire is burned out and gone.

Favorite song?

Don't Let Me Down.

Favorite book?

The Dummies Guide To Sex. Suzette gave it to me a while back. It has lots of neat pictures.

Favorite day of the week?

It's Friday, you bastards.

Favorite place to be?

New York, except when it's too hot or cold.

Favorite sport?

Oil wrestling. Some people say it's fixed but I don't care.

Favorite sports team?

The Yankees.

Favorite restaurant?

That sushi place that uses naked girls instead of serving platters.

Favorite bar/club?

The Whiskey A-Go-Go.

Favorite season?

Summer.

Favorite color?

Green.

Favorite saying/quote?

Thank the Lord and pass the ammunition....Cause God wants you to kill people.

Current Mood: depressed
Current Music: Coast To Coast AM----Thursday August 21st, 2008