Greg's Blurty

Because It Sometimes Cures Writer's Block
SILLY QUESTIONS

1.

Have you ever licked the back of a CD to try to get it to work?

I've never heard of that, but I might try it because I know that if I'm licked in the right places, I tend to work better so I guess it should work for CD's too.

2.

Do you still have clothes that belong to your ex?

No, but I should have kept them because naked girls are always showing up here and I have to entertain them in the nude. I'd be a lot less embarrassed if they put something on.

3.

What's the largest age difference between yourself and someone you've dated?

24 years.

4.

Ever been in a car wreck?

Lots of them but they weren't my fault! You see, the boys were thirsty in Atlanta and there was beer in Texarkana and we had to bring it back no matter what it took. They said it couldn't be done but we did it. And unfortunately, it involved wrecking a few cars and making some members of our law enforcement community a little upset. Oh, then there was a race called the Cannonball Run and there were a few wrecks in that but nothing serious. Overall, I'm just about the best driver ever.

5.

Were you popular in high school?

The principal was always asking to see me, so I guess that would be a yes.

6 Have you ever been on a blind date?

Lots of them...for some reason, blind girls like me getting on them more than the sighted ones. I don't know why that is....I tell them both that I look just like Bred Pitt but only the blind ones believe me for some reason.

7.

When did you last receive flowers?

Never and I'm good with that. I think Billy Joel said it best...the last time I saw him, here in the Quad Cities, some years ago, someone handed him a bouquet of roses and he was gracious about it but he also added, "Flowers? Not a good gift for guys. We want sex. It's pretty much that simple."

8.

Do you shower at night or in the morning?

Whenever is good for you.

9.

Are looks important?

Looks are overrated...and I should know, because I look just like Brad Pitt.

10.

Do you have any friends that you've known for 10 years or more??

There's gotta be a funny, clever answer for this one and I'll let you know the minute I find it.

11.

By what age would you like to be married?

Is infinity an age?

12.

Does the number of people someone slept with affect your view of them?

Maybe...can I see your resume? Experience isn't generally necessary but if you have the right background, I have some advanced projects you'd be perfect for.

13.

Have you ever made a mistake?

Why do you have such a negative attitude? Whatever happened to, "There are no mistakes, only happy accidents?"

14.

Are you a good tipper?

Give me a lap dance and you'll find out.

15.

What's the most you have spent for a haircut?

I've never paid attention.

16.
If you could float on the moon or snorkel in the ocean, which would you choose?

Float on the moon. Anti-gravity rocks! Um, I mean, it will rock when it becomes available because it isn't yet, of course.

17.

Have you ever peed in public?

Do you work for the National Enquirer or are you just trying to lure me into a game of Truth Or Dare?

18.

Would you tell your parents if you were gay?

I would tell everyone. Especially girls because they'll get undressed in front of gay guys...and I think that's highly unfair by the way. I'm tired of being discriminated against.

19.

What would your last meal be before getting executed?

How did Elaine put it? Something about how the method of execution would determine the mood. Pasta for lethal injection and Mexican for the electric chair.

20.

Beatles or stones?

Beatles

21.

If you had to pick one person on earth to die, who?

No one, because what if there is an afterlife and it's better than what we have here? I wouldn't want to reward any of the people I don't like with that and I'm too selfish to reward any of the people I do like with it. They can go after I die.

22.

Do you know anyone addicted to anything?

Almost everyone I know is addicted to oxygen and I'm sick of it. So I joined MAB, Mother's Against Breathing and we'll put a stop to it. First, we're gonna get all the breathing ages raised to 35 and then we're gonna get it taxed so much that you won't be able to afford it even if you are old enough. Think about it, every single person who has ever died has breathed, it is the leading cause of death!

23.

What are your plans for the future?

Are you still trying to get me into bed? You know, it doesn't have to be this difficult. Just say, "Sleep with me!"

24.

Do you walk around the house naked?

Yes, but only to make all the naked girls who hang out here all the time more comfortable.

25.

Would you rather be blind or deaf?

I wanna be deaf because I heard it will improve my pinball game. I read this article, actually it was the talking book version of the article that said being deaf, dumb and blind would make me the best pinball player ever but I'm not sure I need to be that good, so I wanna just with being deaf and see if that's enough.

26.

Do you have any special talents?

You don't ever think about anything but sex, do you? I find that very attractive.

27.

Have you ever injected a drug?

Not myself. Doctors---the ones who brought along enough troops and sufficient air cover---have injected me many times.

28.

What do you do as soon as you walk in the house?

I take off all clothes and walk around. Who does anything else?

29.

Do you like horror or comedy?

I like funny horror. I believe that's what you kids call a "mash up."

39.

Where do you want to live when you are old?

I wish I could give you an interesting answer for this one but I'm just a simple, unassuming, law abiding, God fearing greeting cards salesman with simple needs and tastes so I plan on retiring to my penthouse in the Trump Tower with my army of fembots.

40.

Who is the person you can count on the most?

The Chief. He always gives me the best assignments. I don't want to brag or anything but I've been in Rock Island for 14 years now. Folks back home think I sold my soul to the Devil.

41.

If you could date any celebrity past or present, who would it be?

Dorothy Parker.

42.

What did you dream last night?

I was rowing a boat. Gently down the stream. But I wasn't just rowing. I was rowing merrily. Then, it occurred to me that everything, including life itself is just a dream. It really blew my mind.

43.

What sport do you like to watch?

Mud wrestling or oil wrestling. I'm not picky.

44.

Are you named after anyone?

Not that you know of.

45.

What's your favorite non alcoholic drink?

Heineken. It's Dutch for beer.

46.

Have you ever been in love?

Why are you trying to complicate this? Can't we just have a few mindless hours of physical pleasure for once without dragging love into it?

47.

Do you sing in the shower?

I tried once but the shower isn't in my key so it didn't work out.

48.

Have you ever been arrested?

Not on this planet.

49.

What is your favorite holiday?

Halloween.

50.

Would you ever get plastic surgery?

I might get a toe extension.

51.

Have you ever caught a fish?

It was more like the fish caught us and the moral is: Don't ever use Captain Ahab's Deep Sea Fishing Charters.

Current Mood: depressed
Current Music: Coast To Coast AM----Tuesday August 12th, 2008