Monday, July 14th, 2008

Time	Event
3:21p	Defending Cancer And Trashing Conservatives Cancer has finally done something right. That's not entirely fair, because cancer has done things right in the past but it's so rare that every time, it seems like the first time. All my conservative friends are going to object, too and a few liberals and a few completely apolitical people as well. And they won't be just objecting to this first thing I'm going to say but first things first. Before I get to the first thing, though, I have to say again that I really miss George Carlin. He wouldn't have had a problem with any of this. So, my only supporter is dead but I'm not going to let that stop me. I'm just going to press on with the first thing, which is that cancer has finally done something right. Oh, I already said that. So, I'll go onto the reason why cancer has done something right, just in case you missed it: Tony Snow is dead. From cancer. So, a big hand for cancer, please. And a big round of applause for...maybe even a bigger round...for all the conservatives who think this is a bad thing because you have to admire stupidity of that magnitude. Let's start with the fact that Tony Snow quit his job as White House Press Secretary because he needed to make more than $168,000 a year. Think about that for a minute. If you're a dim witted shill for the Republican Party, you can get the princely salary of $168,000 a year...unless you're Rush Limbaugh but more about him in a minute. At the same time, the median income in America is around $43,200 and dropping while inflation is going out of control but that's beside the point. The point is that if you aren't in the special Exclusive White Male Only, No Minorities Allowed Republican Club, it doesn't matter how much you do for them. You're just more disposable slave labor. And that's doubly true if the conspiracy theorists who say that there is a cancer cure are right. Because if that's the case, then this was murder. Along with all the other people who have died of cancer. That's speculation, though. What isn't speculation is how Mr. Limbaugh is profiting off all this. Did you see his latest deal? He's getting four hundred million dollars over the next eight years to continue telling his 20 million fans (The majority of whom average about $43,000 a year) how great it is to be broke in America right now. But at least Tony Snow is gone and at least Howard Stern makes more money than Rush Limbaugh. Current Mood: depressed Current Music: Coast To Coast AM----Sunday July 13th, 2008 (Comment on this)
5:04p	Because It Sometimes Cures Writer's Block How many bathing suits do you own? 1,055...I still need 6 more to beat Imelda Marcos' record...oh wait, she had 1,060 pairs of shoes, not bathing suits. Man, what a waste of time buying all those bathing suits has been! What woke you up this morning? One of my cats...actually she's still a kitten because she's 5 months old now...Morticia, asking loudly for breakfast. Who is in the room with you right now? Bette Davis and John Huston. They want to know if I want to watch ALIEN SEX FILES 3: ALIENS GONE WILD with them tonight. I suppose I will so since it's been a long time since I've seen a really good movie. Have you ever been in a college dorm? Not lately but I used to hang out in them a lot. I even lived in one from 1982-86. Have you seen all six star wars movies? Yes....well, I've seen most of them but I have on my resume that I've seen all six, so we'll stick with that story. Who was the last person you were in a car with? Joe Friday. It was raining in The City Of Angels and we were working the day shift out of homicide...are you sure you want to hear all this? It's fascinating but it takes 30 minutes to tell. Have you ever stolen a sign from a street? Stealing street signs is for the unmotivated and/or people who don't have a lot of storage space. I steal entire streets. But I do it responsibly. I only take streets that no one will miss. The last time I was in New York, I grabbed Fifth Avenue and Broadway. From Paris, I have The Champs Elysee and the last time I was in Los Angeles, I took Vine and Sunset (They're a matched set) and I was going to get Rodeo Drive but Suzette wouldn't let me. She said that taking streets is dumb then promptly closed that avenue of pleasure. She doesn't understand anything. The good news is that she can only stop me from taking new ones. I can still trade for what I need, so if any of you have Beale Street, I'll give you Rush and Lake Shore Drive for it. I also want to trade Avenue Of The Cities for Las Vegas Boulevard. Do you own a gun? I'm just a simple mild mannered, law abiding, church going greeting cards salesman, Senator. What need would I have for a gun? When is the last time you went fishing? 1851. I won't bore you with the details but I will say that that's the last time I ever go fishing with Captain Ahab. Name 3 things you drink regularly? Diet Pepsi Max, Heineken and there are other beverages? What is in your pocket right now? That information can be dispensed on a need to know basis only. What is the last thing that made you laugh? Laughing is a sign of weakness. Who is in the bathroom right now? Bloody Mary...I summoned her by saying her name three times in front of a mirror at midnight and I expected her to show up and hack me to pieces like her ad promises...and don't fall for that, because it's just another scam, she just shows up and refuses to leave your bathroom until you take her dancing. Who did you hang out with last night? Bloody Mary, and as I just said in my previous answer, it was a mistake. She's all legend and no substance. What year did/will you graduate high school? 1986...and it was a waste of time. When are you going to bed tonight? Is that an invitation? I'm not saying no but I must remind you that I'm not cheap. You have to buy me a drink first. Have you ever shut someone's fingers in a door? No......I leave torture to the professionals. Do you know how to change a tire? I have an incantation to change a tire into a toad but I can't get it to work. Where did your last hug take place? In the bathroom. I don't want to start any wild rumors but I'm pretty sure Bloody Mary is a sex addict. Do daddy long legs freak you out? Everything freaks me out. What were you doing at 8 am this morning? Waiting for it to be 8:01. Do you use smiley faces on the computer a lot? No, I'm not cool enough to do things like that. Look to your left what do you see? A printer. What do you think of when you think of Australia? Fosters. It's Australian for beer. How old will you be turning on your next birthday? In your years? When was the last time you went swimming in a pool? 1942. Esther Williams asked me to go swimming with her and I couldn't say no. Have you ever written a coded message? I'm a greeting cards salesman, what need would I have for coded messages? What was the last reason you cried? When the SEC refused to let me buy Microsoft---they say I already own too many lemonade stands. What are you seriously wearing? I never wear anything seriously. I just can't pull off the serious look. Have you ever talked to someone when they were high? Not since 1984. The war on drugs worked like a charm! How many red lights have you run? All of them and it's OK now...as long as you're wearing your seat belt. Is there anything that you are craving right now? Yes. What jewelry are you wearing? None. Do you clean when you’re upset? I never get upset. What are you listening to? Coast To Coast AM. Whats the one thing that always gets you through a bad day? Hard work, family, my unshakable belief in God and lots and lots of beer. What are you doing right now? Sleeping. Do you usually tell people when they hurt your feelings? My feelings are unhurtable. They cost a little more but they're worth it. Do your initials spell out a word? No, not in any of your languages, anyway. How often do you give high fives? I'm a greeting cards salesman, not a rapper. Where is the last place you went to go eat? Windows On The World, last night. It doesn't exist here anymore, so I had to go to another dimension. Have you bought any clothing items in the past week? No. Do you sing in the shower? No, all those tapes are fakes. Where is the last place you went shopping for clothes? Moline......it's just like Paris, except not as far away. Have you ever been on television? Not that you know of. Do you trust people easily? It depends on what they want. Who was the first person you talked to today? The Sun......I said I didn't like the way he gets things done. Current Mood: depressed Current Music: Coast To Coast AM----Sunday July 13th, 2008 (Comment on this)

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